peace out

im heading over to a new space.

blogger, you have been good to me.

for eight years, ive remained faithful.

and now, its time to go.

dont think the significance is lost on me.

m.

open doors

la jolla, ca july 2013

when it ended with the exbf, i never thought id meet anyone like him.

i prayed for some of his characteristics to be found in a new man:  his love for me, his devotion, his loyalty, his old soul, his perseverance.

and i searched for him in every man that came after, but i never found him again.

so, time allowed me to forget him, to fall asleep without hearing his voice, to be independent, to be strong when i felt like i was falling.

for years, i was happy.

i felt a sense of relief when he and i ended.  i knew that there was more that i wanted, that if i had stayed with him, i would be settling.

despite what dines wanted to fight for (staying together), i let it go.  when he found someone else, i was so hurt, but i knew that it was for the best, and i secretly thanked her for loving him the way i could and would never.

*****
today, i want to honor rtw who has become a man who i will search for in others.

i do not want to.  i think he is perfect in his own right and had he known i was saying this, he would fight me against it, but im right.

he is perfect.  he is a good man, he is a good father, and someday, he will be a good partner.

i fucking hate the detective for being right.  the last time he and i hung out, he said it would take rtw some time to fight his demons.  he asked me if i was willing to wait.

fuck him for his wisdom.  fuck him for knowing what i would be facing because he had gone through it before.  fuck him for this fucking prophecy.

*****
rtw is the new standard.

i loved so many things about him, and i will always wonder how life would have been with him.

and this christmas, i want nothing for myself, but everything for my family, friends, and those who have less than i do.

for them, i wish for an abundance of peace, of health, of love, and of light.

for them, i wish for never ending joy, understanding of what is important, and wonderful times.

for them, i wish for goodness, forgiveness, happiness.

*****
i have accepted that i will probably never meet anyone with whom my soul will rest, but still.

i watch young couples holding hands, older couples walking slowly and leaning on each other, married couples acknowledging each other with a touch, and i want that for myself.

however, its just not in my life plan.  i still do hold hope in my heart that maybe someday, i wont be so fucked up.  that i wont mess up.  that i choose wisely.

i have to trust that i am worthy, that i am worthy of love, that i am worthy of a healthy relationship.

but i am so resistant.

*****
see that pic up there?

took it when i was on a great trip this past summer.

i shared parts of my life that are so important to my heart.

it took five months for me to be able to edit those pics because i wasnt confident that i could keep it together if i relived any of the pieces of that trip.

i wish i could share the pics with him, but i cant open that door again.

somehow, someway, it has to remain shut.

christmas eve eve

chinese garden huntington library + gardens san marino, ca dec 2013

winter break began nicely with no trauma, no drama, and no crazy mamas.  the kids this year are so nice, and im going to make sure they stay that way.

it was a bit hectic last friday with sending out gifts and cards to those who didnt expect it.  i love the look on their faces when i handed them something small.  just being remembered is enough, i think, but i gave out inexpensive yet thoughtful stuff this year.  if i had been better prepared, id have given out to more.  i wanted to target the custodians and the secretaries, those who do so much but get paid shit.

*****
i received some great stuff, too.  but it doesnt matter what they were.  just being included is so much more than necessary.  the tokens are just that, but the thought is really what matters to me.

my favorite gift is one from mogan who gifted me with some girl scout leaves.  i love that guy so much.  hes always been so down to earth with me, esp my first year there.  i think he was surprised that i partake in the green, but when he realized i was genuine, he shared with me how he started.

during bic, he asked for apples, so the kids who work for me gave him some, and on friday, during friends friday in the boys pe, he served me a cup of apple cider that he made.  so fucking good.  i could barely taste the poison, it was that good.

i got home around 7:00 pm that nite, and i was exhausted.  the drive was a bit daunting, but not as bad as other nites.

i ate dinner, and i smoked some of the gsl.  i love the smell of good marijuana, and i reveled in the scent.  it was strong.  it knocked me out from 7:30 pm til about 1:00 am, then i fell asleep around 4:30 am and woke again at 10:00 am saturday morning.

dreams were a bit crazy that nite.  one included the man i had loved for the last year or so.  we were happy, taking pictures, driving and stopping along the way.  it was beautiful.  and it was hard to wake from it.

*****
i got ready to meet shel to hang out for the winter solstice at huntington library + gardens.  we shared a membership, and i got a $20 discount for being an educator.  it was the best $100 i spent on myself...well, okay, $50 because we split it.

i loved this membership.  i had it before, and i get to take someone for free.  i used it to hang with my aunt and grandmother, with gaya, and even just myself.

its about ten minutes from my house, but being there is like being in another world.  literally.  one day, im going to go alone and photograph the hell out of it, and then ill post the pics.

the art is amazing.  there is an exhibit on junipero serra and his trek to establish missions.  there are so many gardens that exist in this place:  a chinese garden, a japanese garden, a california garden, and flowers and plants from other countries.  i cannot marvel enough about this place, and driving there on saturday, my mind did a funny little thing as it always does:  it made my heart yearn for that man i loved and wished i had taken him here.

i will take full advantage of this membership, i need to commune with nature, and there are places there to write.  i remember one saturday sitting in the chinese gardens, overlooking the pond, and writing.

which is what shel and i did.  we spoke about our words for the year.  i think ive limited mine down to two, after much prayer.  i woke up today from a dream speaking about self-love.  so that will be one.  and the other is discipline.

she also asked about my situation with men, and i told her how it had ended last monday.  she was shocked. i am, too, to be honest, but it was time to let go.  i love him, but.  i mean, if there has to be that three letter word at the end of something so grand, then its time to let go.  i am still so tender about it, but i feel released from him.  i believe that he felt it, too, that the time has come, and he let go as well.

*****
we had dinner, then we said our good byes, and then i came home and smoked.

i loved it.  but again, i fell asleep at 9:00 pm and woke up somewhere around 4:00 am, and i was groggy being in and out of sleep.

yesterday was spent relaxing and then going to church with shel and having soup and salad after.

*****
the guy from nyc wanted to chat last nite, but i wasnt home, so that was that.

the guy who lives in a loft who i met years ago asked when we can hang out again.  im so not interested. nice guy, a bit older, but i remember that it was not pleasant to be with him physically.

havent heard from the texan, which i am so relieved about.  hes an energy vampire, and i hope hes met someone lovely.

*****
christmas will be different this year.  my son and i will spend it together, eating and watching a movie.

theres just no tradition in this family, and it saddens me.

so in the spirit of self-love, i will avoid anything sad this season.

theres just no need for it.

yeah, that

you know that courage you get from drinking an alcoholic beverage that makes you want to do stupid things?

well.

i should have exercised more discretion at 7:30 am this morning when i poured kahlua with some coffee.

hindsight and shit.

thank God im using more discretion now when i want to use the phone to make an ass out of myself.

the day is still young.

three weeks off.

im going home early and sleeping until tomorrow.

or sunday.

whatever comes first.

choosing wisely

it ended on monday, but the truth is that it has been over since he moved out of his house.

and in retrospect, it had been over for me around that time, but my fucking need to exhaust all options and feelings overcame me, and once again, i have stayed longer than necessary.

that is one aspect (of many) that i have to address.

i need to just get the fuck out before getting the fuck out is my only option.

its my pattern, really.

and it no longer serves me.

its been a bit difficult lately to function at work when i wish every minute that things turned out differently.

this is Gods call, not mine, and i know its because i somehow manifested it and my prayer is being answered.

i wanted it to be answered differently, but time has come, and i have to let go.

*****
i spoke with the texan monday afternoon, and there was something about his southern drawl that really sounded sexy, something i had never heard before.

he did say that he works hard on not having that drawl, but i liked it.

and i wish i can like him.  i really do.

i wish i can be affected by him now like i was then.

i wish i can trust him.

but i dont.

i dont like him.

i find his advances truly gross, and when he made a suggestion the other nite that i talk to him while i showered, i almost vomited.

last week, we made plans to hang out the week between christmas and new years, but i will not go through with it.

i just cant.

i have such little patience for him that i know every little thing will annoy me.

and i search my heart to feel differently.  i want to.

i want to really be the kind of person for him, and i want him to be the kind of person for me.

but.

its so not going to happen, and today, in my loneliness and ache, i feel so sad about it.

i miss the texan that i craved before.

i was so damned attracted to him, to his attentiveness, to this fucking idea of him.

and now.

i could give a fuck.

*****
theres this guy in the east coast.

new york, to be exact.

we had communicated before, but i think the timing was off.

anyway, he and i have been on gchat the past few nites, and he observed, its funny how before we didnt seem to click, but now, its pretty hot.

on paper, hes pretty cool:  47, a guitarist in a band, sells insurance, plays hockey, 6 foot tall, not involved with anyone.

and you know, he can type fast and spell correctly.

but.

im so done with east coast guys.

its time to look here, in this coast.

in due time.

it will happen.

but first, i have to fucking program.

and do write ups on this fucking kid who i hate.

dammit.

on a sunday afternoon

santa monica, ca [sootc] september 2013

today was a birthday lunch for my cousin who turns 22 in a few days.  as always, there was laughing and kids and food.  it was at a restaurant, and after the cake cutting and consumption, everyone went home.

my sinuses were acting up, and they have been for a few days. i am tired of medicating because i feel like one day, the meds arent going to work.  i have to find out whats going on and handle it.

*****

my mom commented that it had been 13 years ago today since my grandfather's death.

i still remember that day when i found out.  it was the last day of work for me, and he was going in for a simple procedure.  but he had been ill for a long time, and i believe he was holding on just for the sake of my grandmother.

the last few times we went to their house, he was tired, sleeping when he usually came to hang out with us, especially with my little one.

and i was in denial, afraid of the inevitable.  death and i werent friends then.  it scared me, and it knew it.

so, i stayed away.  but on the nite before his operation, we went to visit him, and he seemed to be in good spirits.  but he was tired.  it was all over his face.  and his body was just exhausted and didnt have a fight anymore.

i went to work, busy with the 4th graders i had that year.  presents galore.  sweet ones, too, innocent.  like the ones you expect from little hearts.

when i got home, the exbf was here, and we sat on the couch watching tv with my son.  i called the hospital every half hour, and i was told he was still in surgery.  he was still in surgery longer than anticipated, and i was anxious.

two hours later, as i was nearing my point of no return of anxiety, the lights turned off and then immediately turned back on.  i felt a chill.  i called the hospital. the nurse passed the phone to my uncle who delivered the news.

i crumbled.  i cried into the arms of my exbf while my son watched.  i think that was the last time he saw me cry until a few years later when his teenage meanness pushed me over the edge.

i medicated with marijuana.  the next few days were a blur.  i showed up late to the wake, and i was stoned. laughing while my grandmother spoke to the guests.  staring longer at people before i respond in conversation.  i was a fucking mess.  and my son needed me.

the day after, i was late getting to the church for the eulogy because i had to take a few hits before i delivered the eulogy.

i sent my son inside, running with his little suit.  and looking so glum.  i hadnt realized that he was grieving, too.  he was so young, and he was sensitive.

my eulogy consisted of words from my cousins who are significantly younger than i.  they are around my son's age, so he refers to them as his cousins.  i had asked them to tell me their favorite memories of our grandfather, and every anecdote was from the perspective of a child ten years or younger.

after, we had lunch at a restaurant.  munchies set in.  i had ridden in a limo with my uncle who is pretty funny, so we were laughing like idiots.

the exbf stayed home that day because my family didnt know he existed.  i didnt see the point of introduction when it wasnt going to last anyway.  a few years later, though, we all went to hawaii, and i still remember the kindness and patience he showed towards my grandmother.  it was unsolicited.  he was just a gentleman like that.

that christmas, i bought everyone a present.  i was compensating for an absence that i didnt want the kids to feel, but one i especially didnt want to feel.

i kept it at bay for 13 years, and today, i have to release it.

and this is how i chose to do it.

*****

i hate that since my grandfather's death, every year has brought us further and further apart.

the kids are growing, and we all have different schedules.  but the truth is this.

no one makes the family a priority anymore, including me.

and i hate that.  i hate it with a passion.

i want to establish traditions that will bring us all together every year.  something to look forward to.  every year.  during the holidays.

no matter what.

i want this for the kids, for me, for my son.

i want to have a sense of closeness, kinship, family.

because i like everyone in my family.  not just love, but like.

and i want to know them.

i want to have some time with them.

and i know it just takes an invitation, an extension, an offering.

what kills me is that i dont put out the effort.

but im going to.

im going to just move away from myself and my own selfishness and my own reality.

i have been such a hermit.  it feels like physical pain when i have to go out.

its my social anxiety disorder.  i need to fight it.

*****

the picture up there is one of my personal favorites.

its straight out of the camera.

no editing.

it was pretty lovely.

and the day was tiring but so sweet.

late nite musings

heart  pch july 2013

i spent today editing pics from vansa's parent's 50th wedding anniversary two weeks ago.  it took about five hours to retouch 125 pics, using the adobe photoshop express app, and i have to be honest.

i miss photographing.

i think i do really well with portraits and landscapes, but i dont know how i can make money doing it.  do i want to?

yes.  shel suggested senior portraits, and i think shes right.  and its about time.

*****
i met vansa, and we had dinner and did some shopping at the americana.  it was pretty nice.

we spoke about life and work, and she said, did i ever tell you about my fantasy life?

no.

youre living it.

i am?

yeah.  i want to live in my own place alone, come home whenever i wanted, leave whenever i wanted, sleep with whoever i wanted.

oh, my god, i AM living your fantasy life.

she said she lived vicariously through me, and that my life was fun.

it hasnt been lately, but thats due to circumstance.

i dont normally engage in any social situations (with men) during the fall because its a time i give myself to renew and regroup and focus on work.

*****
i told her that i wanted to move to sf in a year.

this is something that i am manifesting and planning.

i think its going to work out this time.

i cant swing it this upcoming year, but the year after that, i know it will definitely work.

*****
nothing grand has been happening.

nothing dramatic.

nothing stressful.

life is just peachy as we move into the holiday season.

it feels nice, safe, and yes, a bit boring, but.

i can live with boring.

*****
i feel changes in the air, though.

i feel something brewing, some excitement, some adventure.

i dont know specifics, but it feels strong.

and i am ready.

*****
see that heart up there?

i took it when i was with rtw in big sur.

i like how it looks.

i like how only part of it is deeply shaded in the sand.

i like how its not perfect.

it feels like the one that beats inside of me.