oh, night divine

uhra christmas lights hastings ranch, ca dec 2010

christmas was perfect.  everyone loved the photo album and the framed family pics.  my son and i do not have a picture together.  this is sad and will be corrected.

the kids answered tough questions, and they danced or sang or performed a skit.  i loved it.  that was my christmas present.

*****
this year is winding down, and in a way, i dont want to let it go.  this year was rich and colorful, and i intend for 2011 to be even more amazing.

so many people are being brought to my life, good people, spiritual people.  this, i know, is not by accident.  this is God answering my prayers the way He always does, sometimes the way i want and other times, by His will.

and His will is better than mine, and i know His love for me shines.  i believe that His plan is more outstanding than my own plans, so to Him, i bow.

in Jesus' name.

on the eve of His birth

chinatown san francisco, ca july 2010

i lost it today at the 4 o'clock christmas eve mass.  as soon as the music played, my eyes began to water, and i felt the wonder of it all, something i dont think ive ever felt.

wait, let me be more accurate.  i believe that where i am on my spiritual path, ive been very sensitive to spirituality and the beauty and mystery of the works of God, Jesus, the Blessed Mother, and the Holy Spirit.  i see blessings in places i wouldnt normally look at before...and i feel the love of God in ways ive never felt or acknowledged before.

everything seems to take on new meaning for me, and tears pour out...that is, they want to pour out, but i try to stop them.  so, today, at mass, when tears fell with the o come, all ye faithful notes, my son turned to me and asked, are you okay?

i managed only a nod because i would have spilled all over if i tried to answer.

and then?  for the homily?  monsignor said that his christmas homily was something people remember because there is no homily, just a joining of hands and singing silent night.  and so we did, and again, i felt the emotions.

the tears just flowed, and this time, i let it.  i was liberated.

*****
Prince of Peace.  King of all Kings.  Jesus.  Savior.  Redeemer.  Lamb of God.  Shepherd.  Son of Man.

im in love with Him.  in love.

sometimes, in deep prayer, i feel His presence.  and it is so peaceful.

happy birthday, Jesus.

thank You for Your love, for Your sacrifice, for Your presence in our lives.

i love You.

a quickie

venice beach, california november 2010

wanted to jot down some things before i leave for an afternoon of running errands and last minute christmas gifts.  i havent had a chance to really think of things for my immediate family, so ill be winging it.

*****
work ended last friday, marking a challenging, life changing 16-week stint at a middle school.  i got some presents, and i have to say that i am truly blessed by the kindness of people i am proud to say i work with.

i met this awesome woman who used to work there when she came two weeks ago to interview kids for a book shes writing about.  i dont know how we started talking, but we established this awesome connection, and we laughed a lot.

she shared with me how she went to school to get spiritual psychology degree, and i feel as if my prayer of seeing my path illuminated was answered.

and so, this past rainy monday, we had lunch, and she told me all about the program.  there are certain times when i feel so good and so much like im in my zone of self-efficacy:  when im in my city, when im holding a camera, when im writing and its going well, when im at church, when im at my favorite bookstores and other stores, when im doing yoga (i will do more of this in 2011), when im talking a class, and when i hear the voice of God speaking through others to lead me to where it is im supposed to be.

im going to go to an orientation meeting in january, and im going to make a big decision.  i know, though, that no matter what i decide...im guided, and im blessed.

*****
some words for 2011:

balance * wholeness * fun * courage * spirituality * transformation * love * compassion * joy * happiness * awareness * trust * freedom * acceptance * creativity * art * beauty * sharing * change * home * risks * learning * teaching * gratitude * promises * laughter * health * dedication * fruition * realizing * accomplishing * fulfillment * successes * abundance * vulnerable * empowering * dreaming * exciting * nourishing

im going to do something creative with these words...im going to do it.  and its going to be amazing.

*****
and in 2011, i wish for something that ive never put on top of my wishes:  i wish to love and be loved by another.  i wish for him to be nothing other than who he is, and i wish he will accept me for who i am.  i wish that our families and friends accept and bless our love.

i wish for this love to be.

preparing the way

bumper sticker avocado festival camarillo, ca oct 2010

i took the day off because the cold ive been fighting knocked me out, and well, shoot...everyone has taken a day off, and not for sickness.  at. all.

but whatever.  i dont care.  i do not judge.  at least i try not to, and i can remind myself now to not be judgemental.

and so, today, i finally finished the christmas present that i planned for my family, and my number one critic/fan told me, "im impressed...its really good."  yeah, my son is brutally honest.  believe me.

i designed 16 books and ordered it today for under $140 with shipping...and the shipping was $44.  i shared it with a friend, and she said that the subjects look like famous people.  that made me smile.

*****
i feel prepared now to be a photojournalist.  no more fears or doubting my gifts.  im going to be gentle with myself so i can see what others have seen that i dont acknowledge.

and in february, im going to buy a new baby.  i dont know where im going to get the money, but im going to do it.  im also going to pursue this passion of mine.  its no longer a hobby.  its a passion that i am embracing and welcoming the joy of living.

i must admit.  im a photojournalist by breath; i just need to get paid for it.  i feel surrounded by good energy every time i say this.

*****
and so im preparing the way for the Lord.  im going to listen to Him more and welcome His works in my life.  you see, ive been resistant for no other reason than its been more convenient for me to bitch and complain.  but once ive surrendered, so many wonderful things have happened.

first, im bonding with my students in a way that is wonderful.  second, im discovering new friendships who are on the same spiritual path as i am.  third, its not as stressful as it has been, even though the work hasnt diminished.

is this what i want to do?  no, of course not.  do i get anything from it?  yes, of course i do.  is it unbearable?  sometimes, it is, but then i wake up and do it all over again, so it must not be that bad.

im so fortunate and blessed because God knows what is best for me and places me where i need to be.  its amazing when this realization hits home, the feeling that a Greater Being is really in control makes me sleep more peacefully.

prepare ye the way of the Lord,
prepare ye the way of the Lord.

life at the moment

san francisco november 2010

ive been noticeably absent from my blog lately, missing a list of things im grateful for like ive done every year since ive started.

working in a middle school is challenging because i play a dual role of dean and counselor.  up until this past weekend, ive grumbled and deep in my heart held a deep resentment.  ive felt like i couldnt get a steady footing, and while people were nice, i felt...distant.

if you ask me how i feel today, id say this:  today, i feel like im doing what im called to do.  do i like it?  it doesnt matter.  this is what God wants me to do, and i will do it.  ive reconciled in my heart that this is my job, and im going to do it to the best of my ability.  and thats that.

besides work, ive had no time for any raucous with boys, and for that, im grateful.  i do miss some kissing, and it would be nice to have a little sex...but i want to meet someone of quality.  i dont have to marry them, but im tired of boys.  i want someone amazing.  so, im holding out.

*****
for christmas this year, im making a photobook for my family.  the kids will earn their gifts (its money) by doing something.

so, ive been working on the pics.  and i realized that i love photography.

I LOVE PHOTOGRAPHY.

i love photography.

i love photography. 

i cannot get enough of it.

i will make time to photograph again.  i have to.  its my life.

*****
the other day, igra messaged me.

hes engaged.  he said he shouldve consulted with me first, but i think he was just kidding.  oh, well.

i wish we were still friends, but the guy flakes so much.  im beginning to think he has a fear of hanging out with just little ole me alone.

its too bad because we have a connection...or i think we do.  maybe it was something that was just in the past.

*****
this year, because of the furlough days imposed by the districts, my son and i had one week off for thanksgiving.  do you know how amazing this is?  it should be law.

we spent four days and three nights up in the bay area.  uh-may-zing.

before we went up there, i began forming doubts and feeling as if my moving would never happen.  so many fears and anxieties made their way into the inner recesses of my brain and heart.

i almost gave up this dream, and i denied that it was God who had been the One to plant this seed.

but when my son and i walked around the city, i knew.  i felt it.  it was transformational.  this was my city, always has been, always will be.

my son calls it my promised land.

i belong there.  its inevitable.

and for that, im grateful.

*****


Father, thank You for Your love and for the plan You have for my life.

i ask You, Father, to please guide me, to be patient with me, and please forgive me when i fall short of Your expectations and especially when i dont trust You.

Jesus, i am in love with You.  You are love.

Mother, thank You for Your comfort and for Your sacrifice.

please, Father, please receive my burden of financial anxieties, and my worry about my son and where he will be in college.

in Jesus' name, i pray.

amen

while sunday winds down into monday

avocado festival camarillo, ca october 2010

 final thoughts before bed:

...i want to love someone, no matter how long or short, how glorious and painful, how easy or challenging, i want it.

...i want the next ten work days to kick ass, to be worry free and problem free, to be smooth sailing into the holidays.

...i offer special prayers for people in my life that i love so deeply and for others who i dont know and perhaps will never meet.

...i will learn about noetic science, an amazing discovery from the new book im absorbed in.

...ive finished editing the pics of the book im making to give as gifts for christmas.

...some affirmations to say when im down:  i am love.  i am enough.  i am worthy.  i am a child of the most beautiful and powerful and loving God.  i love.  i am.  i do my best.  there is abundance in my life.  i am surrounded by supportive forces.  i am grateful.  i welcome any and all blessings that come to me.  my angels protect me.

...i was driving today, and i felt a pang to go up to sf for christmas vacation, but soon enough, i know ill be there.

...silence is good, and i hear God and my own voice when im in silence.

...there are so many good things that will happen in the next few days, though i know not what they are.  i feel them, im sure of them, and i welcome them.

...my fears of moving to sf, of figuring out what job im to have, of figuring out how ill survive financially, those fears?  since giving these burdens to God, i feel excited and blessed.

...thoughts are powerful, more powerful than actions.

...words are more powerful than looks.

...i am a blessing to others.

...there is a man who i cant seem to shake.  no, its not the newly engaged igra who once again canceled our plans for today because of his future mil's hospitalization.  its another man, someone from my past who ive never met, and we shared some lovely thoughts yesterday.  even if nothing comes of this, hes wonderful.

...its been awhile since ive made out with someone, and while there are opportunities, i havent taken advantage of them.

...w was really instrumental in this change in me, and i will truly be grateful to him for the rest of my life.

...rainy days and mondays always get me down...not.

...i love the latest hp movie.  i was really impressed!

...i can rest my mind now that ive emptied it out on this screen.

is there nothing more romantic than...

four points sheraton hotel emeryville, ca nov 2010

 ...exquisite hotel beds with the firmest mattress and  feather pillows (too bad no sex was happening)?

...rainy nights under the covers, watching a girly flick, getting ready for a (hopefully) sunny monday?

...the wish, the hope, the faith that somewhere hes out there, and we will be together soon?

catching up

san francisco nov 2010

 well, hello...

its been awhile, i know.  i had to take a break, and i found that i didnt like being in front of a computer when i got home from work.

have i been productive?  absolutely! 

first and foremost, i realized how my body craves sleep.  i have no shame in sharing that ive allowed myself to sleep at 830 pm when i could, when my body needed to.  i love it!  im no reformed night owl; in fact, i still draw inspiration from the night, but while im working, i need to be gentle with and honor my biological rhythms.

second, ive been reading again.  i finished this amazingly wonderful read, even though it took me months.  i actually finished it in san francisco when the boy and i went for a few days before thanksgiving.

third, im writing in a new journal.  the pages are so divine...

untitled

on a wall at the avocado festival carpinteria, ca october 2010

i miss the summer, especially when work and life take over.  i need to have time to pray, to write, to think...

and i miss my 29 yo for no apparent reason other than he was sweet.

*****
im done with the irish.

he will be coming back soon, i feel it, but i dont want to be a part of his life.  he sent me a few emails yesterday that scared me because hes looking for something im not.

i just want the inspiration, but i allow myself to think that i want a relationship.

lets face it.  we are too different.

im going to bed now.  the avocado festival yesterday was fun, but im tired.

night, y'all.

the f word

me tonite, september 2010

i remember once, when i was with the 29 year old who i miss so much tonite for some inexplicable reason, i was kneeling in front of him as he sat on the papasan in his office.  i had just kissed him, and we pulled away after what was a very delicious exhange of lips.

i told him that i consider guys in one of two ways.

he asked, how do you consider them?

well, i began, i see them as either friends or longterm partners.

he smiled and asked me confidently, what do you consider me?

i looked at his eyes, smiled, and said, i consider you a friend.

but you slept with me, he said.

yes, i know, i said, but why cant you be a friend?

i miss him so...but i dont exactly know the reason for this intense feeling of loss.

perhaps its the lack of closure. perhaps its that my uncle died this morning.

perhaps its just the fucking heat that makes me feel ill.

i dont know.

but yeah.

*****
i sent the irish pictures of me.

shit.

really?

i mean, i really?

thank God they came out well.

catching up

colorado bridge pasadena, ca september 2010

its been a long two weeks, and i must state this clearly:  i love it.

its still the honeymoon phase we are in, me and this middle school, and i cannot believe my fortune and my blessings.

the counseling team has been so helpful and supportive, and the students are so great.  i love the staff, who have been so welcoming, and man.  on wednesday, we got itouches to use.  i fucking hate it.

theres even a little something something brewing slowly, something fun with this irish/mexican virgo, and its pretty sweet.  he waits for me, he looks for me, and i think its sweet.  but you know my rule about shitting where i eat, and its too early to be entertaining it.  i like the way it is now, the high of seeing him, the low of not, and im not pursuing it any further.

the thing is, though, ive been so tired.  theres so much work to do, so much attention to give, so many things to remember...and i love it so.  but i need to figure out how to balance, how to still give myself time, how to still photograph, how to write...and more importantly, how to decompress, how to sleep, how to dream.

*****
i suppose im really fortunate right now that i have no one in my life that needs me besides the boy.

where would i find the time to dedicate to nurturing or even starting a relationship?

the irish and i have been talking, emailing, texting, clarifying...and im at this point where im kind of bored.

shit, i hate that about myself.  theres so much passion between us, so much connection, so much flow...its a self defense mechanism, and he calls me on my bullshit.  i love it.

but heres the thing.  we are both afraid of not being attracted to each other upon meeting because we are mortified that our "thing" will end.

he said once in an email that we are not creating energy but recycling it...from me to him and him to me and back again...

how i crave to be with him, but you know...

i just know me too well to settle down right now.

besides, theres just no time.

inspiration

somewhere in california december 2007

a few nights ago, the irish and i spoke for hours, and i found him to be funny and quite lovely.  i was worried, to be honest, because when we are on aim, we just end up...arguing.

he writes me these beautiful emails, sometimes long and flowing and stylistic...and other times, short and poetic and thoughtful.  sometimes, i feel he writes to me, and other times, he writes for himself.

but the conversation was about five hours long, and we laughed and clarified and explained and pointed out and flirted and became serious and shared about past hurts...

i went to bed feeling like ive made a new friend.  well, first, i felt like i had a great mindfuck, then i felt like ive made a new friend.

*****
we have a connection.  and he inspires me.

but im being selfish because i take his words and swim amongst them and digest them and love them.

he asked me to write him, but this last week was really hard with time constraints, so i told him that i needed his words more than i can give him mine.

he said i inspired him, too, which was sweet...and i find myself thinking about him constantly.

the man is passionate, and im passionate, and im afraid that if we ever get together, that it will just be so fiery.

*****
the truth is that i need to get laid.  i need to kiss a beautiful mouth who can kiss back.

i need to be held down forcefully, while touched tenderly.

i need my hair to be in his fist, while his words soothe.

i need to fucked hard as his love heals me.

can the irish provide that?  im sure he can.  im sure that he and i, if we were to ever fuck, would have such beautiful sex, such amazing sex, but id leave fast.

he scares me.  his intensity and his essence are so explosive, and i love it so.

but.

well.

hes home now, in st louis, and for this, im glad.

*****
i dreamt of him the other night, a faceless stranger, but somehow, i knew it was him.

we were walking the ground of a great cathedral in ruins in a city in spain or italy.

and we were happy.

it was a sweet dream.

*****
look, i need to kiss this man.  i need to kiss him without losing myself to him.

and i think this would be tres imposible.

on a friday

dtla september 2009

on my way to work, i heard this fantastic song, and i knew that it was going to be an amazing day.  and so, it was.

i finished my first week as a counselor at my amazing middle school.

i cannot tell you how blessed i feel right now, as i review the week.  everyone from faculty to students have been so welcoming, and im working with some awesome people.  like no drama.  like mature.  like not the freaks at the hell hole.

*****
theres this guy at work who is pretty cool.  i think he has a crush on me, which would be so cute.

i find myself thinking of him.

*****
im so blessed at my new school.  i have a corner office with floor to ceiling windows, and i have so much space.

i will always be grateful to phs for the shit i went through there, for now i know that it was all in preparation for this year.

amen.

good bye summer, hello first day of school

norton simon museum pasadena, ca september 2010

i dont know why i still get anxious and excited before the first day of school.  whether im a student, a teacher, or a counselor...whether it be a semester or a mester...whether it be at a school where ive been for years or for days, its still the same story.

i need to do some deep breathing and some writing.

life is great.  this is going to be a great year, and im so blessed to be a part of it.

i know i have to say good bye to the best summer ever properly, so until then, have a good one.

im sure i will.

in Jesus' name, i pray.

amen.

need, desperately

japanese american museum los angeles, ca september 2010

i need to have some awesome, sexy, slow loving.

too bad the irish is such a droll...id love to get some, leave, and never see him again.

*****
saw the 29 year old.

one word:  closure.

*****
so, about that need.

love gods, please hear my plea.

thank you.

oh, and one more thing...

i cant wait until ten am tomorrow.

after i drop the boy off at nine am for football practice, im going to purchase this new baby and take it home and love it forever.

its a great price, and i want it so.

i cant wait.

thank You, Heavenly Father, for Your blessings of abundance and talent.

in Jesus' name, i pray.

amen.

planning

sculpture norton simon museum pasadena, ca september 2010

no work today because its the districts unassigned day so all schools and offices were closed.  and i took advantage of it.

i dropped the boy off before 7 am, came back home and did my morning pages.  it took me an hour to do three pages, but its because the lines of the notebook are small.  when i work again, ill do 30-minute writing sessions.  on the weekends, ill do three pages.

after, i went to get a massage.  my massage therapist who is a young thing was pretty talkative today.  which is awesome because i like her, and i think shes pretty refreshing.

i had lunch at the place next door, where ive been going after my massages, and its pretty cute.  it provides a place to hang out, and the food is good.  the people there are pretty cool, too.

today was hot, so instead of going here, i went home.  i jumped on the computer to chat with my new architect friend, but i got a message from deebee.

*****
so.  deebee.  he and i used to chat a lot a few years ago until he moved away with his family so he can take care of his father.

his dad lived in the middle of the country, the geographical location im somewhat familiar with.

we tried keeping in touch with email and stuff, but it was too much.  it wasnt the same.  i missed him so much, but i had to let it go.

it took awhile to get over him, to be truthful.  he was a daily diet, and i had to cut him off cold turkey.  or did he cut me off?  whatever.  we stopped talking.

last week, he contacted me again, and it was as if no time had passed.  we had always been naturally comfortable chatting, and he is a photographer so we have that in common.  hes funny, sweet, and i like what he shows me.

hes not happy.  and today, i asked him to please not think that im his savior, and he said he didnt need one.

there were some deeply needed truths to discuss and to uncover, but more importantly, some things from the past that had not been dealt with.

you see, he disappeared a few weeks after his move, and he said it was because he was unable to deal.  i understood.  it wasnt excused, but i understood.  he needed to know, though, about me and how it affected me.

so.

its up in the air.  i dont want to fool myself or him into believing anything.  this isnt real...this isnt serious.  not yet, anyway, but if we were to explore, i hope that we will have some great times.

*****
this evening, shel, jado, and i went to my now favorite museum.  i love it there, so much so that shel and i are going to share a membership.

i have to.  im into the whole art thing now, and im afraid that i will lose motivation again.  it was awful when i couldnt pick up my camera.  that feeling was cold steel into my inner core, and i wont do it again.

like when i was depressed.  that was the most scary time of my life, and losing my photomojo was the second.

i will continue with photography and art.  i will inhale it and breathe it.  i needed the summer to regroup, and the summer is over so its time to apply.

*****
shel, jado, and i are finally putting together a photography business.

id like to specialize in small weddings of 50 people or less.  boutique style with lots of love and flavor and color.

i think this could be done.  i hope so anyway.

we are going to meet monthly until we launch, which i plan on january 2011.

that means ive got to work on my portfolio, on my business cards, and finally, a website.

wish me luck!

for a good cry

Rachel's Birthday Video from Kristian Anderson on Vimeo.

i want to love and be loved like this.

blessed and truly grateful

venice beach, ca july 2010

went to bed last night without a school, and woke up this morning to find out ill be working at a middle school.

this is truly Gods plan because if i were left to my own devices, id still be at the rotten hell hole poly.  and of course, i panicked.  my ego had to interject and remind me, are you kidding?  middle school?  you could barely tolerate ninth graders.  what are you doing?

and it didnt help any when i was told that the principal was hoping to get one of his previous counselors.  again, my ego said, he already hates you.  this isnt going to be easy.  you have got to really be strong.  could you do it?  i mean, youve been so stress and drama free this summer...

so, i called this man, and he was not at all warm and fuzzy, and i couldnt blame him.  in fact, it warmed me that he was pulling for his previous counselor.  that speaks volumes about support and fighting for someone.  i love that he had her/his back, but i pray that he doesnt blame me.

i start tomorrow.  its professional development, and next wednesday is another professional development.  the kids start on the monday, the 13th.  cool, huh?

i was having a mini panic attack, and when i opened my igoogle, the first thing that popped out was this:  so trust and know I am leading you.  step in confidence with Me into each unknown day.
---two listeners

its from a gadget called reminders from God.

again, i am reminded that i am following my lifes purpose, and God is walking ahead.  i had to smile, my heart was warmed, and i felt a peace.

*****
im having great communication with this guy who writes me amazing emails.  i always have to read it twice, his form is sophisticated, and his word choice is supreme.

he inspires me to write better, and i started sending him some awesome emails with pictures.

i like him a lot...but you know...well...we both have issues.  who doesnt, right?

i dont know where this will lead.  i dont know if we will be disappointed once we get together.  i dont know.  and for now, it doesnt matter.

we decided to just let it play.  he says i inspire him in his art, too.  i love the way we write to each other.  he tickles my intellect.  and Lord, its been so long.

i like this part of him, and i like that we can come here and just hang and write.

he sends me his sketches.  i send him my pictures.  he flirts.  i flirt.  we misunderstand each other, and we explain.  he lives close, so if ever i want...well, he left the ball in my court.

but the truth is that summer has come to an end, and ive really got to get into the fall mode with work and the boys schedule.

i also think that i will be teaching esl again, partly for money but mostly because i miss it.  its on saturdays, just like when i first started.  ironically, my first teaching position was in a middle school.  i love Gods mysterious ways.

*****
this is going to be an amazing year.  this summer was so divine, and ive learned so much.

it deserves its own post.

on being grateful and divine timing and the end of summer

union square san francisco, ca july 2010

i am so grateful.  i wish i could fully express how grateful i am, but its so deep in my heart that words cannot give it justice, so ill just sit here feeling it, hoping that i can convey the energy, knowing i cant.

tomorrow, i will finally know in which school i will be placed.  im prepared now to make new friends, help new students and parents, embrace the change.  God had a plan for me this summer, and at the end, i think i realize what i was to learn from the beginning.

the most important commodity that i had plenty of this summer was time.  time to sleep, to dream, to wonder, to feel anxiety, to meet amazing men, to explore, to discover, to breathe, to cry, to pray, to love, to meditate, to be me.

if i had a job, i wouldnt have had the time to do all of these things, and so i am grateful to God for giving me this time, divine time, to receive this gift. 

and ive learned so much, valuable lessons that i will apply in the next phase of my life...lessons from so many wonderful teachers.

ive felt such divine love, something ive never truly felt before, not because it wasnt there, but more because i wasnt able to silent my heart and still my mind to receive it.

i know what joy feels like.  i was stung by the ending of a very special summer romance.  i didnt consider this person anything long term, but i felt we had some spiritual connection, but we were both duped.  its unfortunate.  but through the confusion and the surface pain, i sought comfort in prayer, got affirmation from bible verses, read about meditation.

i walked around the city where my soul resides, visited a college town, and found thats where i want to live.  my son spent three weeks with his paternal side of the family, and his father was being nice and flirtatious alternatively.

i loved this summer.  i loved what ive learned.  i love what ive felt.

and im so grateful.

untitled

lake merritt oakland, ca july 2010

yesterday morning, i woke up with a very clear message:  soak up this time, be selfish with it, because when things start rolling, you wont have time to catch your breath.

was this a thought of my own?  nope, not at all.  in fact, i felt i was being lazy because this heat makes me not want to do anything at all...

so, this message, this was from the universe, from God, and i was going to heed it.

today has been unproductive.  the weather is to blame, not wanting to spend money, not wanting to waste gas, not wanting to open the garage door that is fucked up...all those got in the mix.

but its night now, and the internet says its 69 degrees out, but inside this house?  well, im sweating.  occasionally, i feel a sweet breeze blow through from the opened patio door to the opened kitchen window.

*****
the news thats good is this:  the 400 lb losers have divided.  maybe they fought too much over the last doughnut...or maybe they couldnt fit in the bed anymore...or the fatty bitch was just too nasty, or maybe that 200 lb loser was?

who cares.  i just know that they are done, and i feel neither happiness or sadness.

when i told sanva, she said this:  fuck that puta.  she shouldve had her priorities (& loyalties) in the right place from the start!  forgiveness is one thing, friendship is another all together!

amen.

*****
im not entertaining the fact of opening that can of worms up again.  im so different now, from the way i speak to the way i think.

im more confident, more discerning, more aware, more spiritual in thinking and of living...and there is no room for the past toxic people or situations in my life right now.

there are some people who wont survive in my realm because ive become very impatient with certain traits:  disloyalty, unkindness, disrespect, selfishness, neediness, bitterness...all symptoms of a soul with cancer.

this summer served as a time to cleanse my system, to detoxify, to find me again under the rubble, to learn to turn to God and Jesus and the Blessed Mother.

my thoughts lean towards others, except when my ego gets in the way, and my ego is as stubborn as my soul. it wants to stay with me, but with kindness, i tell it to go away.

*****
when i was walking around lake merritt on my first day of my vacation, i asked God what He wants of me. and when i looked down, i saw the quote above: service above self.

so, thats my answer.  three words.  a very simple command.  a very clear direction.

and i want to go back to work now.  i want to flex my service muscles, have the Holy Spirit speak through me when someone is in need.

i want to meet new people, get the feel of a new office, hear new stories, see new faces, taste new flavors...in essence, i want to challenge myself.  i like change, the ups and downs of it.

*****
but i need to have some physical contact with someone amazingly, devastatingly good in bed.  something to end the summer and carry me through the next few months until the next vacation.

someone who is romantic, a great kisser, nicely sized, tender, rough, soothing touch, seductive gaze...a man who knows how to make love and how to fuck.

because dammit, its been so damned long.

i need relief.

needs

bubba gumps restaurant monterey, ca july2009

i need patience.

having had the summer off was truly a Divine gift, one that makes me wonder if i deserve it because im so used to having only three or four weeks before i dive into the madness known as z time or summer school.  but there is a reason, a purpose for this time off, and if i were to boil it down to one single thing, it would be this:  ive been afforded time to get to know myself.

its a wonderful thing, really, because while i thought i knew who i was, im discovering that i am indeed more.  im facing my fears, being honest with myself, and ive discovered that i can cry without falling into a mad abyss.  and i love it.

i have been transforming, moving more towards my lifes purpose, whatever that is.  its all about faith and surrender because im really just allowing moments to unfold.

but its been challenging, and just now, my meltdown propelled me to write in here.  all of a sudden, an irrational fear and stupid anxiety filled me, and i felt overwhelmed.

i allow myself this from time to time; i have to to preserve my sanity.  and its also to strengthen my faith.

*****
i need balance.

ive always been extreme in my ways, and i need to have equilibrium.

i want to have a career that will marry counseling and art...and not really art therapy.

dbm keeps pushing me to do grantwriting and fundraising.  perhaps shes right.

*****
i need to be of service.

i know my life will not be worth it if i dont do for others.

i believe this in my soul.

i hope that my service will include photography.

and counseling.

*****
i need to have some great sex.

its been too long and too bad.  ive been so disappointed.  i want a great kiss that lasts for hours and a great lover that knows how to make love to me...and yes, how to fuck me.

ive had to deal with this within my own emotional and psychological constructs.  is fucking bad and making love good?

i remember a conversation i had with w a long time ago about fucking and making love.  he wanted to always make love, while i thought we were doing well fucking.

making love requires so much.  intimacy, innate understanding of one's self and that of the other, love, surrender, vulnerability.

and fucking?  doesnt ask for much.  in fact, its a pretty selfish act.  isnt it?  its for one's own pleasure, for the moment, sometimes violent, sometimes cheap.  but always, for me, a bit thrilling and taboo.

so what i need now is to not make a lover my friend and not to befriend my lovers.  this is something that works with my nature.  i would not recommend it to many.

see, ive always been terrible at intimacy.  it was only a few years ago that i learned to communicate my feelings rather than just keeping it all in like a secret meant for no one else but me.  therapy cured that.

and the other night, i met c, and i told him i didnt cuddle.  i think it surprised him and turned him off equally.  just as well.  hes not my type, and i dont want to be with anyone right now.

but i have needs, and one of them is inspiration.  and i find my inspiration in soulful kisses, sexy stories, quiet times of touching and listening and breathing and communicating without words.  and in acts of kindness, behavior that conveys respect for oneself and others.  and in roughness and tenderness.

i believe i need this now because i feel a spiritual cleansing, and i feel more in touch with myself.  i feel some of the fears melting away or if not melting, then just being accepted.

i need this now because i want to erase the first part of this summer, the physical part of it anyway...and not just this summer, lets go back to spring with the dtla friend of mine.

i need to actually erase the mediocrity that ive been settling for lately.

because im worth more than mediocrity.

transformation

jupiter cafe berkeley, ca july, 2010

sunday afternoon, vansa, dapel, and i celebrated vansa's 40th bday by having brunch here and then watching this long anticipated movie.

i had been lauding the book for the past year or so, recommending it to friends and strangers, hoping that whoever reads it will take an inventory of their lives and find it to be wonderfully amazing or in need of change.

for me, it was the latter.  because of the story, i was not afraid to travel alone, whereas before, the thought of loneliness crippled me and made me not go.

last year on my first trip to the bay alone, i felt adventurous, daring, and safe...and reading over the posts i wrote then, i realized how my spirit really needed to escape.

this year, however, my trip wasnt so much to escape la, but rather, to find peace and closure and to let go.

you see, the first half of this year had been an amazing journey of discovering friendships, of relinquishing toxic people and situations without anger, of surrendering to the will of God, of growing and humility, of becoming a stronger woman, of accepting myself and others, and of transforming.

it didnt start this year, of course.  my transformation has been in progress for several years now, but the surrendering is very recent.

i hate la.  it pains me to state this, but its the hard truth, and while its been home for the last 18 years and while the city has its beautiful and amazing spots and experiences, i have to go.

its my son who anchors me here at this harbor, but my spirit has been restless.  for now, its pacified by the countdown...my son graduates in june 2011, and im leaving.

i know that my exit is not a very popularly accepted decision, and i have to really work it in with my very toughest critics (my mother, my sister, my father...my brother fully supports it, i think).

but this is my life, and i have to finally give life to this dream ive had for the last three long years.

last year, when i was with the 200 lb loser, i almost gave up this dream and resigned myself to staying here because he was a fucking tard  who didnt like changes.  this was my low point, ever, in the past three years.  i cant imagine being that low again, so ive decided to not embark on a relationship with anyone here in la.

of course, every now and then, my friends anxiety, doubt, and fear come to visit me, especially late at night which causes my insomnia to join in on all the fun.

anxiety, doubt, and fear...the fabulous trio...ask me how im going to live, how im going to support myself, how will i find a job.  they also remind me about lack of money, loneliness, change because they know that those issues lurk in my mind.

the trio then questions me about my commitment to this decision, and sometimes, they mock me because i dont really have a plan on how to make this happen, but ive learned how to handle them.

i tell my ego that im sorry, but it has to go.  because im having a love affair with possibilities, adventure, and risk.  its this trinity that i adhere to, this trinity that comforts me, this trinity that finds rest in my heart and my mind and causes my soul to be joyous.

this trinity is the one that makes my current situation bearable, that makes me feel like my true self, that makes me understand that the universe is conspiring with me to make it happen.

how do i know?  because a few minutes ago, the universe emailed me this:   

 m, youre the only person who knows whats right for you.  

the only one. 

and if you already know what this is, commit to it.  if you dont, commit to nothing.  

only you know,

the universe

ps...whether you commit or not, m, get busy.  

there are still things to do, doors to knock on, stones to overturn, trees to befriend...

so.  i never feel alone with my life plan.  i know i have the support of the universe, the angels, God, the Blessed Mother, and Jesus.  the details?  im still working on it, not needing to be too specific, leaving room for possibilities, adventure, and risk.

my sister believes in planning to the minutest details, and this is why i would never want to live her life.  but it works for her...she needs it.  she married someone who shares the same views, and shes fortunate, but one word comes to mind:  boring.

of course, my lifestyle is maddening to her.  shes given up trying to save change me, trying to set me up with someone, trying to encourage me to save in my ira, trying to get me to be like her.  i used to find this as a critique that im not doing anything right, but in time, ive learned, she loves me.

*****

so, whats your word? dapel asked me and vansa after the movie.

sunshine, said vansa.

transforming, i said.

youre always in a state of transforming, vansa said.

yes, yes, i am.  and im so grateful.

whats your word, dapel? she asked.

introvert.

*****
ever since ive said my word, ive had so many opportunities for the word to find me.  ill read something, and the word will appear.

i was perusing this site and found this, and rather than being surprised, i felt grateful that the universe was supporting my word.

and propelling me to go forward with my lifes purpose, whatever that is.

so i embrace whats happening, quietly accepting that there are no coincidences, that manifestation is very define and powerful, and that im fortunate.

but most of all, im very grateful.

*****
im going to volunteer here, as noted in my forty-one by forty-two list.  and when i move, im going to continue here.

i cant wait.

and i cant wait to start a new job.  where it will be?  i dont know, but im sure its going to enhance my life.

free will

huntington gardens, august 2010

the thing about free will is responsibility.

i have been in a spiritual transformation that will effectively affect other parts of my life, for which im grateful.

the dilemma is this:  i dont want to contact the district about a position.  a part of me needs this time to lounge and get to know myself again, all the painful conversations and truths i have to have with myself, all the growing pains and the growing i have to do...

it has been years since i spent time with myself in this way.  i think the last time was when i was in college.  and here i am, with this opportunity to soak in it, to dream, to contemplate, to manifest...i have to embrace this time and not feel guilt or anxiety, based on others projections.

i am me.  i am love.  i am worthy.  i am safe.  i am in the now.

and this is all i have to remember:  that God loves me the way i am, and if i receive His love, there is no fear, there is no doubt...only goodness...only light...only love.

and that is what im hungry for.  and that is what fills me.

*****
i discovered something about myself the other day while contemplating:

i realized that for someone who looks for love in all things, who photographs things she loves, who searches for symbols of love like hearts and hand holding and tender kissing and sweet touch...i realized that i am so afraid to let love in my life.

ill sit with that for awhile, sit with the idea of it, and allow it to flow.

*****
i do not know what will happen with a job, what will happen with love, what will happen with the future.

but this i know:  i will work again, i will love again, and the future will happen eventually without any help from me.

i feel a peace in my heart, and for now, at this moment, i need nothing else.

*****
ive deleted every bit of information for my dark friend, and i feel more light shining in.

its too bad, but there is no other choice, and i have the free will to go with another idea, but i just cant.

its too great for me, and nothing good will come of it.

and when i feel a peace about this as well, a bit of sadness, a bit of what ifs, a bit of maybes, but i acknowledge it and let it go.  kiss it good bye.


namaste.

shanti.

wish

huntington gardens, august 2010

something has been going on with me lately, something that i can only attribute to as a conversion of my life, something that i have not been able to grasp, but something that i feel joyous about.

the past few weeks, from my first day of sf, ive been in a constant state of prayer, deep conversations with God, trying to ask for guidance and strength to live through this pain.  and ive been grateful for this time because i feel ive grown closer to God, and ive gotten to know my core.

its been very strenuous and challenging, both physically, mentally, and especially emotionally.  there were times when i woke up feeling so in need of my 29 year old friend, his friendship, his essence, but knowing that this is how it is to be.  hes amazing, but it can never be anything more than what it was.  and it was great.  im so grateful for the time and the space we shared, and i cant wish for anything other than what we were given.

and it hurt.  very much.  letting it go, following my heart, walking away, not looking back.  and i needed to heal, and not just from him, but from my dtla friend as well.  the ending of these two friendships were the same:  quiet, final, and right.

however, with my 29 yo, i thought that because we prayed together, we would stay together.  not forever, and not in a relationship, but like always, i really wanted a friendship.  i love him.

*****
still no word on a job, but i really dont care.  everything will work out, it always does.

on tuesday, hung out with the crowd from elaoc, and a part of me wants to go back.  it was hell there towards the end, but the devil and his minions are gone, replaced by...

idiots.  i hate to be so judgmental, but from what ive heard, i have to say that yes, idiots would be fitting.

tomorrow, im going to pop by and say hi, and then next week, im going to see about volunteering opportunities at 826la.org because theres a center in sf.

so.  excited.

*****
so, the prayers in my heart are these:  to have an abundance of health, wealth, and joy for my friends and family; to have love in any and all forms in order to share it with those i touch; and to have the Holy Spirit come into my life.

to learn how to live with joy under any circumstances.

to be closer to and to know God, Jesus, and the Blessed Mother.

to be guided and to freely follow, and to exercise free will whenever necessary.

in Jesus' name, i pray.

amen.

processing

alley in sf, ca july 2010

last sunday, shel and i photographed carmelite sisters at their 80th jubilee celebration.  my photo mojo was working that day, and i took some great shots.

tonite, ive been trying to process them, and to be honest, i havent been enjoying it.  my eyes hurt, and perhaps this computer isnt the best for processing.

whatever.  i just want to work a few more hours, and hopefully sleep by two (its 12:45 am now).  lately, my sleep has been sucking.  last night, i woke up at two after having slept for an hour and a half or so, and i stayed up until 4:30, tossing and turning.

ugh.  i hate my insomnia.  but is it insomnia if im truly a night owl?  ive always loved the night, and when i was in college, i couldnt work on my papers or assignments until two in the morning.  i could sleep when the sun is out; in fact, i prefer to, but with my son home, i hate wasting the day.

*****
yesterday, i wrote in my journal that i am giving myself a respite from all things male until next sunday, and the universe and the angels are conspiring to make that happen.

which is great because my willpower sucks sometimes.

however, i havent responded to two emails and a text from three men.  and ive wanted to.

because i really miss my 29 year old friend.  i miss hanging out with him, but i know what keeps me away.  and that is enough.

i wonder how hes doing.  if hes working and working on the project.  if hes baffled about why ive stayed away.  if he thinks of me...

but so what if he thinks of me?  bottom line is that hes 29, and i hate that this fact is great enough to prevent a friendship from forming.

lets be honest, it is a big deal.  im trying to be good, to be careful, to be responsible about this.  not saying that he will fall in love, but i fear we will waste time going back and forth and not allowing others in.

*****
because the truth is that i need to be taken.  really taken, bruised, even, the way my ccfb destroys me.

i loved that about him, the way he was rough and gentle without being sadistic, though i suspect he could be with the right one.

no, i think we talked about it, and he said he couldnt bear to take the lead all the time.

last time we were together, he said, i think its so cute how you like to feel dominant over me, and i let you, but when youve had your fill, i take you and dominate you and make you submissive.

see, i needed that.  i crave someone who knows what i need and will give it to me a bit harder than what i want.

however, i cant go to him anymore for two reasons:  first, hes geographically undesirable.  and second, hes got a really small weenie.  its too bad because he could have been satisfying.

i need to get really really really broken...then healed.

just until work starts up again.

enlightenment

coronado beach, february 2010

i sent him an email last night, and he responded with something profound. he wrote:  one word:  ego.  manage that and you will be okay.  take care, friend.

the take care part cut me deep, but its all good.  i leave it to God because i cannot get my head around this.  and if this has ended, then all i can do is thank God with all my heart for the beauty of praying with this person and for having him help unblock my photo mojo.  and if it is time to let him go, then i will.

i dont want it to be over yet.  i dont want it to be over at all.  because really?  hes right.  my ego got in the way, being so negative about age and about life experiences.  i didnt respect him in the way he should be respected...as a man, not as this kid.

and that was where i erred, and if i had the opportunity to correct it, i would.  if i cant, then lesson learned.

*****
im pretty bored now with not having a job, and my ego is starting to creep in about this now.  im not going to fall for it.

sorry, ego, its not that i dont love you, i just cant have you in my life.  we have had an amazing run, but lets face it, youre no good, youre no good, baby, youre no good.

thank you, though, for checking in and for trying to wiggle yourself into my daily situations.  however, since you serve no positive purpose in my life, it is time to say good bye.

my life is so much better when you are not in it.

summer, part two

san francisco, july 2010

tomorrow, the boy flies in, and the second part of summer will begin.

if i had stayed at poly, i would have started work last week, but im so grateful for the break. 

so.

this month of august, i predict that i will have a job so i could start the second week of september.  i also predict that i will be severing many ties that ive made the first part of this summer, which is all good.

the rest of this year, i plan on trying to knock out some stuff from my forty-one by forty-two list, and im going to take more photography classes because i never ever want to lose my photo mojo that i just got back.

*****
on friday, i observed the 29 year old work, and i have to say, i need to stay away from him.

i love him dearly, but i know me.  i believe hes seeing someone, and oddly, im fine with it.

and.

i dont want to get involved.  which i can easily.  let.  myself.  do.

vansa said to just let it play out, but hell no.  my heart cant take it.

however, i can and will be friends with him so i can help him finish his syllabus (he cannot spell this fucking word).  he will be an amazing teacher, and i know that his heart is in the right place.

and for some reason, there is something pushing me to help him.  angels and God, im sure.

i love the way he gets excited and explains things about his career, and i love how hes so patient when sharing with me.  a part of me wants his job, the part of me that wants to break free from my routine.  its very manual and physical, and i think im ready for it.

but lately, we havent connected, and this is what makes me sad, makes me miss his friendship.  i know, though, that this is up to God, that its Divine timing if we were to hang out.

however, on friday, there was a disconnect, mostly from my part because it takes me awhile to acclimate to him.

we are friends.  i want to keep the friendship part.  the non friendship will not remain.

*****
im ready now to meet someone who i can get in a relationship with.  i want to play out the idea of romance, to feel again, to be touched and comforted, to just be.

and then i wonder how i can fit him in what will be another busy schedule.

i mean, work is going to start, and the boys schedule will be maddening.  i have to continue to take care of myself, to work on meditating and praying and being peace.

i need this.  its a way of life im adopting.

but i also crave the idea of romance, the wonderful exchange of good mornings and good nights and everything in between.  i want the crazy adventures of finding new places to photograph or to hang out in, i want to meet his friends and hang out with them...

i want to be fucked properly by a man who knows how, i want to trust someone and not be disappointed, and i want to get to know someone...and for him to get to know me.

i want to worship with him, to pray with him, to speak about God and Jesus with him.  because after the 29 year old, i need to be with someone who is a practicing catholic.

i say this now, bravely and daringly, because i know i havent met anyone who has fit the bill of what i want.  ive met several men who had something that i can take to the next "relationship", but no one has all the qualities i want.

*****
this afternoon, shel and i captured shots of carmelite sisters and their 80th jubilee celebration.

they inner beauty and peace radiates, and they can laugh heartily and love openly.

that is my goal.

la's fine but it aint home

san juan bautista mission

i got to la yesterday, and it doesnt feel like home.  im surrounded by all of my things, yet...

i needed this trip, and again, my heart was shattered into pieces leaving northern california.  i cant explain it anymore, cant explain the need to leave this city, the need to start my life up there.

i just have to do it.  met some wonderful people up there who shared their journey with me, and the common denominator is this:  just do it.  thanks, nike.

i know id like to live in berkeley, go to school in sfai, and eventually be a director of a non profit that works with art and education.  i want to bring art back into the community for young people, and not wait until theyre in high school...

talent has to be developed continuously, and not just because of an art class.  thats what i hated about cutting arts from schools.  sometimes, kids are successful in arts and struggle in academics.  they feel validated when they are acknowledged.  sports?  yeah, great, but really?  come on, one injury, and bye bye.

*****
havent heard from my 29 year old friend, so its safe to assume that hes met someone else.  which is fine, its inevitable, and im glad.  really.  this was a simple time, and no hard feelings.

just a farewell to someone who i really liked as a person.

not that great of a lover, so no big loss.

but i regret that we never went to church or had more chances to take pictures.  he was brought into my life to get my creative juices flowing.

i have a feeling we will talk again, but by then, itll be too late.

for now, im just accepting the terms that i laid down and God answered.

*****
i find that i love being alone.  lately, noise really bothers me, and i need quiet.

like when i drive.  yesterday, i loved driving down the 101, passing through the beautiful central california and then hitting the coast...it was breathtaking.

and peaceful.  i love the peace i feel, love the quietness so i can think and understand my thoughts clearly.  i love communicating through prayer.  and thats the core of this peaceful, easy feeling.

*****
its pretty exciting to live my life right now.

well, for me, it is, but for some, i know that it feels like walking a tightrope without a safety net.

can i tell you?  i kind of dig that.  i kind of love not having a routine.  i kind of like waking up and saying, God, this is a new day.  what possibilities will i have today?

i love that.

when i told people on the last day at poly that i was leaving, they seemed panicked.  i felt like i was comforting them because they freaked out at the fact that i wont have a job.

i, however, rejoiced.  okay, ill admit that i let them scare me into their way of thinking, but after praying silently and quickly, i felt a peace over me.

it was awesome.  and i couldnt help but smile and wish poly luck.

the politics is too much for me to grasp, and i dont play, so peace.

out.

and now, here i am.  so at peace not knowing, not having to know.

because really?

possibilities are more enticing than routine.

exhausted

318, four points sheraton, emeryville, ca

it was an amazing day.  walked at least seven hours around chinatown and north beach and fishermans wharf.

i went to mass at a catholic church in chinatown, then i hit up a cathedral and the shrine of my favorite saint:  st francis of asissi.

the power of believing in God and being on this tremendous spiritual journey have been both exhilarating and challenging.  my breath is taken away with every grace and blessing i receive.

and the whole time of visiting neighborhoods?  i was just being.  and of course, thinking.

i dont want to go back to la...i feel that nothing is there for me.  not a job, not a lover, not a house i want to live in forever.

there are so many things to do in this city, and if not to do, then to just be.  but yes, there were times when the noise and the crowd were disturbing, and i honestly needed the quiet of the bart to center my nerves.

my son decided to extended his vacation with his father because his baby brother is there with him, so he will be flying out next monday, and ill be driving home this tuesday.

i dread it.

*****
ive decided some things.  first, 29 is way too young for me, too out of my league, and not what i want to get involved in.  it frightens me sometimes my impulsivity and the stupidity i find myself in when i dont think things through.  i love the kid, but really...its not going to go anywhere.  thank God he hasnt contacted me.  either he has another or hes giving me time.  i am so blessed and grateful to have had him in my life at the right time because he brought me back to photography.  more importantly, he set a new standard.  i cannot wait to pray with my future husband.  of course it wont happen any time soon, so until then...

second, i am not the kind of person who fucks friends or becomes friends with men i fuck.  however, lately, ive become that.  ive tried to make it a friendship with benefits with friendship being the benefit.  this.  doesnt.  work.  for.  me.  why?  because i get attached or become disconnected, and when i am either, im no good to anyone, especially myself.  ive always been a cerebral sort, not that its been always a pleasure, but it serves its purpose now and again.

third, i am very drawn to the buddhist way of living.  i will not adopt that religion because i am and will forever be catholic, but im loving this amazing book and digesting the ideas of it.  today on the bart, i was engrossed by the simplicity of the words and the richness of the meaning that i almost missed my stop.  if i can somehow incorporate this in my life, i will survive the next year in la.  the kid doesnt want to leave his senior year, and i cant say i blame him.

fourth, i am open to receive whatever blessings and graces come my way.  i wont look for grand signs only, but also be mindful of the little things, like simple beauty and love.  i want love.  i want a simple love that is not complicated by drama or too much thinking.  that part i got down pat...and i have to let go of it.

fifth, im both excited and bored of the thought of being a counselor at a new school.  a part of me thinks it wont happen, but i know i am not in charge, so i will leave it to God.

*****
im tired.  i havent packed yet.  i just want to sleep in.

and pray.