affirmations

art in the streets exhibit moca los angeles, ca august 2011

 this saying was part of an exhibit with lots of doors surrounding it.

i love doors.  i also love windows.  if i were to analyze my mind as to why i like them, its probably this simple:  theyre a way out.  not that ive ever gone out a window, but still.

escape.

i need to remind myself of this because while ive had an easier time letting go, it still hurts, and i spend some time looking at the closed door.

because sometimes?  the door is really beautiful.

there are so many transformations in my life.  its because im ready now for some of the changes.  one of them having the courage to say no to return to my position as a counselor.

this week was difficult, and i found myself feeling the same need to run that i felt last year at this time.  and when i read my journal this morning, the first few pages were about wanting to leave.

it isnt because i want to escape.  i can do this job, but the thing is...theres this nagging feeling inside of me that i should take a risk.

i want to be a photojournalist.  i want to make art a priority in my life.  i cant do that when im behind this door.

its scary, of course.  i dont know where im going to get the funds...but this i know.

i am loved and supported by the Divine team and the universe.  abundance is my nature.

these are my affirmations, and i welcome and invite the love and abundance in my life.  i am no longer afraid to receive.  i am strong enough to control myself.

*****
i love my life.

i love the people in it.

i love the possibilities and the realities that are in front of me.

i love transformation.

i love.

october

griffith park observatory los angeles, ca august 2011

its been a difficult start to this month.

many changes, transformations, are occurring both in my personal and professional life.  all good and some better, but as with any transitions, theres always a time of adjustment.

ive been so well, healthy emotionally and physically and spiritually.  still, its a bit challenging at times as my heart stretches and adjusts to its new dimensions.

*****
its over with the hiker.  for sure this time.

he plays around too much, and ive had it.

the last time we were together, he asked me if i loved him.

and then he told me to admit that im in love with him to relieve myself of the burden.

im 42 years old.  im capable of expressing my feelings if and when i need to.  hes not.

im not in love with him, and while i was fond of him, i always maintained a distance.  hes a longterm guy, and quite honestly, im not.

its something ive been working on in therapy, but im feeling much stronger about it.

im celibate again, just to cleanse my system and purge memories that no longer serve me.

dbm thinks this is a good idea because she believes that the one is around the corner.  i tell her that the one is a  myth, that i dont believe that ill be one of those who get married, though i do want to fall in love again.

time will tell, and i no longer push issues that will come eventually.

*****
work has been madness.

in the middle of last week, ive made a decision to let go.  im an excellent counselor, not by virtue, but surely by blessing.  its just that it has sucked the life out of me.

im a teacher, always have been, always will be.

and ive been a bit suspicious as to why i was there.  part of it was to get closure, which i did, but i had to see for myself that this phase of my life is over and its time to release it.

*****
i sit here now, feeling an emptiness in my heart.  things are going on with my family that has hurt me like no other.

betrayal from an outsider is one thing, but from my sister?

ive always said that my love for my family is my weakness, and theyre really the only ones who can cripple me.

my son, however, is amazing.  hes stumbling, getting back up, stumbling, reassessing, and succeeding.  im a bridge sometimes between him and his father.  this is an excellent thing because his father doesnt know this child the way i do.

i wish i could say i was neurotic in raising him with tight reins, but i was not that kind of mother.  i set down boundaries and adjusted limits as necessary, but expectations were always high.  he has exceeded them.

*****
the night comes early these days.

which is good because i love the night.

when my work schedule finally settles down, i think ill enjoy the night more.

and im telling you, i scored on this place where ill be teaching a class.

its a non profit organization that is close to my heart.  we were offered use of their facility, and i cannot wait for my dream to teach a photojouralism class to be materialized.

the director and her assistant seem super cool.

and i know i am, so this is going to be another amazing partnership.

thank You, Father!

*****
ive spent the last three and a half hours downloading my pics from three memory cards, and my eyes hurt.

i also have to admit to myself that i take excellent portraits, and i have to thank shel for telling me that a few years ago.

i should take up glamour shots and headshots...i know i can make my money that way.

itll help me with an item on my 46things list.