the f word

me tonite, september 2010

i remember once, when i was with the 29 year old who i miss so much tonite for some inexplicable reason, i was kneeling in front of him as he sat on the papasan in his office.  i had just kissed him, and we pulled away after what was a very delicious exhange of lips.

i told him that i consider guys in one of two ways.

he asked, how do you consider them?

well, i began, i see them as either friends or longterm partners.

he smiled and asked me confidently, what do you consider me?

i looked at his eyes, smiled, and said, i consider you a friend.

but you slept with me, he said.

yes, i know, i said, but why cant you be a friend?

i miss him so...but i dont exactly know the reason for this intense feeling of loss.

perhaps its the lack of closure. perhaps its that my uncle died this morning.

perhaps its just the fucking heat that makes me feel ill.

i dont know.

but yeah.

*****
i sent the irish pictures of me.

shit.

really?

i mean, i really?

thank God they came out well.

catching up

colorado bridge pasadena, ca september 2010

its been a long two weeks, and i must state this clearly:  i love it.

its still the honeymoon phase we are in, me and this middle school, and i cannot believe my fortune and my blessings.

the counseling team has been so helpful and supportive, and the students are so great.  i love the staff, who have been so welcoming, and man.  on wednesday, we got itouches to use.  i fucking hate it.

theres even a little something something brewing slowly, something fun with this irish/mexican virgo, and its pretty sweet.  he waits for me, he looks for me, and i think its sweet.  but you know my rule about shitting where i eat, and its too early to be entertaining it.  i like the way it is now, the high of seeing him, the low of not, and im not pursuing it any further.

the thing is, though, ive been so tired.  theres so much work to do, so much attention to give, so many things to remember...and i love it so.  but i need to figure out how to balance, how to still give myself time, how to still photograph, how to write...and more importantly, how to decompress, how to sleep, how to dream.

*****
i suppose im really fortunate right now that i have no one in my life that needs me besides the boy.

where would i find the time to dedicate to nurturing or even starting a relationship?

the irish and i have been talking, emailing, texting, clarifying...and im at this point where im kind of bored.

shit, i hate that about myself.  theres so much passion between us, so much connection, so much flow...its a self defense mechanism, and he calls me on my bullshit.  i love it.

but heres the thing.  we are both afraid of not being attracted to each other upon meeting because we are mortified that our "thing" will end.

he said once in an email that we are not creating energy but recycling it...from me to him and him to me and back again...

how i crave to be with him, but you know...

i just know me too well to settle down right now.

besides, theres just no time.

inspiration

somewhere in california december 2007

a few nights ago, the irish and i spoke for hours, and i found him to be funny and quite lovely.  i was worried, to be honest, because when we are on aim, we just end up...arguing.

he writes me these beautiful emails, sometimes long and flowing and stylistic...and other times, short and poetic and thoughtful.  sometimes, i feel he writes to me, and other times, he writes for himself.

but the conversation was about five hours long, and we laughed and clarified and explained and pointed out and flirted and became serious and shared about past hurts...

i went to bed feeling like ive made a new friend.  well, first, i felt like i had a great mindfuck, then i felt like ive made a new friend.

*****
we have a connection.  and he inspires me.

but im being selfish because i take his words and swim amongst them and digest them and love them.

he asked me to write him, but this last week was really hard with time constraints, so i told him that i needed his words more than i can give him mine.

he said i inspired him, too, which was sweet...and i find myself thinking about him constantly.

the man is passionate, and im passionate, and im afraid that if we ever get together, that it will just be so fiery.

*****
the truth is that i need to get laid.  i need to kiss a beautiful mouth who can kiss back.

i need to be held down forcefully, while touched tenderly.

i need my hair to be in his fist, while his words soothe.

i need to fucked hard as his love heals me.

can the irish provide that?  im sure he can.  im sure that he and i, if we were to ever fuck, would have such beautiful sex, such amazing sex, but id leave fast.

he scares me.  his intensity and his essence are so explosive, and i love it so.

but.

well.

hes home now, in st louis, and for this, im glad.

*****
i dreamt of him the other night, a faceless stranger, but somehow, i knew it was him.

we were walking the ground of a great cathedral in ruins in a city in spain or italy.

and we were happy.

it was a sweet dream.

*****
look, i need to kiss this man.  i need to kiss him without losing myself to him.

and i think this would be tres imposible.

on a friday

dtla september 2009

on my way to work, i heard this fantastic song, and i knew that it was going to be an amazing day.  and so, it was.

i finished my first week as a counselor at my amazing middle school.

i cannot tell you how blessed i feel right now, as i review the week.  everyone from faculty to students have been so welcoming, and im working with some awesome people.  like no drama.  like mature.  like not the freaks at the hell hole.

*****
theres this guy at work who is pretty cool.  i think he has a crush on me, which would be so cute.

i find myself thinking of him.

*****
im so blessed at my new school.  i have a corner office with floor to ceiling windows, and i have so much space.

i will always be grateful to phs for the shit i went through there, for now i know that it was all in preparation for this year.

amen.

good bye summer, hello first day of school

norton simon museum pasadena, ca september 2010

i dont know why i still get anxious and excited before the first day of school.  whether im a student, a teacher, or a counselor...whether it be a semester or a mester...whether it be at a school where ive been for years or for days, its still the same story.

i need to do some deep breathing and some writing.

life is great.  this is going to be a great year, and im so blessed to be a part of it.

i know i have to say good bye to the best summer ever properly, so until then, have a good one.

im sure i will.

in Jesus' name, i pray.

amen.

need, desperately

japanese american museum los angeles, ca september 2010

i need to have some awesome, sexy, slow loving.

too bad the irish is such a droll...id love to get some, leave, and never see him again.

*****
saw the 29 year old.

one word:  closure.

*****
so, about that need.

love gods, please hear my plea.

thank you.

oh, and one more thing...

i cant wait until ten am tomorrow.

after i drop the boy off at nine am for football practice, im going to purchase this new baby and take it home and love it forever.

its a great price, and i want it so.

i cant wait.

thank You, Heavenly Father, for Your blessings of abundance and talent.

in Jesus' name, i pray.

amen.

planning

sculpture norton simon museum pasadena, ca september 2010

no work today because its the districts unassigned day so all schools and offices were closed.  and i took advantage of it.

i dropped the boy off before 7 am, came back home and did my morning pages.  it took me an hour to do three pages, but its because the lines of the notebook are small.  when i work again, ill do 30-minute writing sessions.  on the weekends, ill do three pages.

after, i went to get a massage.  my massage therapist who is a young thing was pretty talkative today.  which is awesome because i like her, and i think shes pretty refreshing.

i had lunch at the place next door, where ive been going after my massages, and its pretty cute.  it provides a place to hang out, and the food is good.  the people there are pretty cool, too.

today was hot, so instead of going here, i went home.  i jumped on the computer to chat with my new architect friend, but i got a message from deebee.

*****
so.  deebee.  he and i used to chat a lot a few years ago until he moved away with his family so he can take care of his father.

his dad lived in the middle of the country, the geographical location im somewhat familiar with.

we tried keeping in touch with email and stuff, but it was too much.  it wasnt the same.  i missed him so much, but i had to let it go.

it took awhile to get over him, to be truthful.  he was a daily diet, and i had to cut him off cold turkey.  or did he cut me off?  whatever.  we stopped talking.

last week, he contacted me again, and it was as if no time had passed.  we had always been naturally comfortable chatting, and he is a photographer so we have that in common.  hes funny, sweet, and i like what he shows me.

hes not happy.  and today, i asked him to please not think that im his savior, and he said he didnt need one.

there were some deeply needed truths to discuss and to uncover, but more importantly, some things from the past that had not been dealt with.

you see, he disappeared a few weeks after his move, and he said it was because he was unable to deal.  i understood.  it wasnt excused, but i understood.  he needed to know, though, about me and how it affected me.

so.

its up in the air.  i dont want to fool myself or him into believing anything.  this isnt real...this isnt serious.  not yet, anyway, but if we were to explore, i hope that we will have some great times.

*****
this evening, shel, jado, and i went to my now favorite museum.  i love it there, so much so that shel and i are going to share a membership.

i have to.  im into the whole art thing now, and im afraid that i will lose motivation again.  it was awful when i couldnt pick up my camera.  that feeling was cold steel into my inner core, and i wont do it again.

like when i was depressed.  that was the most scary time of my life, and losing my photomojo was the second.

i will continue with photography and art.  i will inhale it and breathe it.  i needed the summer to regroup, and the summer is over so its time to apply.

*****
shel, jado, and i are finally putting together a photography business.

id like to specialize in small weddings of 50 people or less.  boutique style with lots of love and flavor and color.

i think this could be done.  i hope so anyway.

we are going to meet monthly until we launch, which i plan on january 2011.

that means ive got to work on my portfolio, on my business cards, and finally, a website.

wish me luck!

for a good cry

Rachel's Birthday Video from Kristian Anderson on Vimeo.

i want to love and be loved like this.

blessed and truly grateful

venice beach, ca july 2010

went to bed last night without a school, and woke up this morning to find out ill be working at a middle school.

this is truly Gods plan because if i were left to my own devices, id still be at the rotten hell hole poly.  and of course, i panicked.  my ego had to interject and remind me, are you kidding?  middle school?  you could barely tolerate ninth graders.  what are you doing?

and it didnt help any when i was told that the principal was hoping to get one of his previous counselors.  again, my ego said, he already hates you.  this isnt going to be easy.  you have got to really be strong.  could you do it?  i mean, youve been so stress and drama free this summer...

so, i called this man, and he was not at all warm and fuzzy, and i couldnt blame him.  in fact, it warmed me that he was pulling for his previous counselor.  that speaks volumes about support and fighting for someone.  i love that he had her/his back, but i pray that he doesnt blame me.

i start tomorrow.  its professional development, and next wednesday is another professional development.  the kids start on the monday, the 13th.  cool, huh?

i was having a mini panic attack, and when i opened my igoogle, the first thing that popped out was this:  so trust and know I am leading you.  step in confidence with Me into each unknown day.
---two listeners

its from a gadget called reminders from God.

again, i am reminded that i am following my lifes purpose, and God is walking ahead.  i had to smile, my heart was warmed, and i felt a peace.

*****
im having great communication with this guy who writes me amazing emails.  i always have to read it twice, his form is sophisticated, and his word choice is supreme.

he inspires me to write better, and i started sending him some awesome emails with pictures.

i like him a lot...but you know...well...we both have issues.  who doesnt, right?

i dont know where this will lead.  i dont know if we will be disappointed once we get together.  i dont know.  and for now, it doesnt matter.

we decided to just let it play.  he says i inspire him in his art, too.  i love the way we write to each other.  he tickles my intellect.  and Lord, its been so long.

i like this part of him, and i like that we can come here and just hang and write.

he sends me his sketches.  i send him my pictures.  he flirts.  i flirt.  we misunderstand each other, and we explain.  he lives close, so if ever i want...well, he left the ball in my court.

but the truth is that summer has come to an end, and ive really got to get into the fall mode with work and the boys schedule.

i also think that i will be teaching esl again, partly for money but mostly because i miss it.  its on saturdays, just like when i first started.  ironically, my first teaching position was in a middle school.  i love Gods mysterious ways.

*****
this is going to be an amazing year.  this summer was so divine, and ive learned so much.

it deserves its own post.