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i arrived at his house by 9 last night, and there was no awkwardness, just got back to talking and laughing as if we had been doing it all week, and it led me to one conclusion:  the problem was me.  i panicked, and i let my mind take me to places i dont want to go again.

he let me smell his new purchases, and he said, i knew you liked hybrids, so i bought this one.

we talked for hours, like we usually do, and he told me what he did the past week.  i knew he was being distant because of his work, but i like that he confirmed it without me asking about it.

*****
when we finally went to bed, it was way after 3.  he fell asleep immediately because of the alcohol and the herbs, but i?

tossed and turned for a good half hour.  we had talked about this before, how we are both uncomfortable in other peoples beds, but he makes me stay the night.

the other week, he said that me staying the night was me admitting i wanted a relationship.

how? i asked.

well, because you said you never spent the night, and now you do.

i want to tell you this, and i want you to listen carefully because i dont want to repeat myself.; i dont want to be in a relationship. i chose you because i thought you wanted the same thing, i thought we were on the same page.  and it hurts to find that im the only one on that page. you ask me to spend the night.  you tell me that you want me to stay, so i do. i could easily go home.

i want you to spend the night.

i dont want you to think of something else when i do. i dont want you to think i want to be in a relationship because i dont.

so, after that conversation, which took place on a thursday, ive spent the night every time ive gone over there on a friday or saturday.

*****
but.

the sex, which was always great, sucked last night.  i think we were both tired, and he drank way too much, and i just didnt really enjoy it.

sex is really important to us, so last night was odd.  and i have to admit, if it keeps up, then ill be gone.

ill stay with the friendship, but the benefits part will stop.

*****
and in the middle of the night, he cuddled me.

i wish i could say that i was comfortable, but i wasnt.

i dont want to confuse our situation.

i love our friendship, and i love the benes. 

im trying not to get bored.

putting it out there  

i just want a man who is a friend and a lover...a man who doesnt need to play games, who knows his heart and mind and wont change but will bend when necessary...a man who will read me poems from this great artist and will go with me to a bookstore and lounge for hours at a time.

a man who has a sense of style, a sense of aesthetics, a sense of humor, and common sense.

a man who watches me reach an orgasm and wants me to kiss him while he reaches his own.

a man who is honest and genuine and tender and strong and respectful and trustworthy and has issues that can fit in a glove compartment.

a man who is attuned to energies and sensitive to my needs and has the capacity to love and to accept and to honor mankind.

a man who has great taste in music, in art, in clothing, in furniture, in books, in people.

a man who makes me swoon, who makes me wet, who lifts me up.

a man who wants to travel, to play, to stay at home, to walk and find great places, to sit and listen to me sleep.

a man who has hair that i can grab when hes making me dizzy with his kiss, a smile that will erase my annoyance with him, teeth that are white and his own.

a man who watches classics, listens to classics, reads the classics.

a man who cooks, cleans, fixes the car, knows about home maintenance and does it, washes the dishes, does the laundry...with me.

a man who uses words like us, forever, we, lifetime, promise.

a man who makes me laugh, who has a sharp wit, who has a sexy tongue, who has a nice ass, who has great shoulders.

a man who has friends, who knows how to be a friend, who treats me like a friend, who is my friend.

a man who knows how to love, who loves completely and fully and freely, who i love.

*****
i miss my friend.  this past week, hes really turned.  i guess he couldnt keep up the facade any longer.

oh, well.  it sucks because i really really really wanted this friendship to work out.

heart breaking.

ah, friendship

sometimes, i wonder if he and i will ever move our friendship to something physical, for one night only.

last night, we went to this little gem to have dinner.

i always enjoy his company, always want to have his friendship in my life.

but last night, something was reawakened for me, and again, i began to see him in a way that i havent wanted to in a long time:  as a man.

i wanted him, you see, wanted him to touch my hair, my hand, my legs.  i wanted him to look at me and see someone other than his friend.

i wanted him.

and at the end of the night, when i hugged him, i felt his heart beat.  it was different.  strange.  exciting.

of course hes taken, and for now, i have someone who i wont cheat on or hurt.

but in the event something changes...or better, if the opportunity presents itself, i pray that we are both synchronized and in want of each other.

from this morning to a few weeks back

i left his house at 11 this morning, later than ive ever left.  we had been lounging in bed since he woke me up from my sleep at around 7 to fuck me hard and welcome the day.

come back to bed, m, he said.

i walked back with him, and i held him from behind while i ran my fingernails lazily down his back.  we lied there, talking about orgasms, about how enjoyed my pussy, and soon, he pulled me over him.

i came as he talked me through my orgasms, telling me how good my pussy feels, asking me to say how much i love his cock.

i tell him, i love your cock.

*****
last night, we walked to what he calls our spot.  the other week, he had gone there with his friends, and when we walked there last friday, i immediately loved it.

first, happy hour is from 9:30 pm to 1:30 pm.  second, its like a fifteen minute walk from his place.  third, its not at all crowded, and the bartender has a little thing for me.  fourth, theres a jukebox, and every once in awhile, a blast from the past comes on. fifth, he gets really touchy feely when we are there.

which is nice.  its not overly grabby, but just a nice back rub or something sweet like that.

last night, i was a hit with the old jokes i used to tell when i was drunk so many moons ago.  we closed the place down, and i loved the night air on the way back to his place.

*****
i love this situation.  its simple with just a little bit of drama.  he thinks i like drama, but hes got some of it himself.

on thursday, he went off on me, but i know that it had nothing to do with me.

hes going to be working at a new place soon, and so, tomorrow, we are going to take a walk, im going to bring my camera, and then we are going to have dinner.

itll be fun.

and the weather?

itll be perfect.

*****
we are friends, and its really great.

but eventually, i know im going to crave something of a romance, someone romantic, without feeling stifled.

soon.

but for now, its really sweet.

processing

its a beautiful saturday (sunday, now, as i edit this) afternoon, and im sitting here in my living room, a bit dark which suits me now. i look around and once again, it is confirmed: ive outgrown this sanctuary, and i need to make preparations to leave.

im changing, and im growing, and im anxious, and im scared, and im excited by possibilities.

i still dont know what will happen next year, but i know that i dont really care anymore. as long as i dont work with azteca face, i wouldnt mind one last year at poly.

it is in this space of not knowing and not caring that i feel the most free and the most questioning of my life.  the freedom is intoxicating...but the questioning is liberating.

i want to be free, to question, to find the answer. thats what i want.

*****
earlier, i realized my mortality with the numbers game. what has been my life?

my life has been dedicated to the raising of this human being bestowed upon me by God from infancy to seventeen years later, navigating through unknown waters of motherhood and single parenting (two different things) while getting an advanced degree, transitioning careers, and juggling lovers in between.

no wonder im tired.

but im also proud. not in the mortal sin way, but proud of my child, of myself.

its taken a long time to admit that, to admit that i have talent in photography, that i have done the best that i can being a mother, that im a great counselor.

but.

my soul still feels cold, and i dont feel ive done enough or accomplished enough...and that leaves me feeling my mortality and getting caught up in numbers. number of houses i never owned, the number of lovers ive had, the number of relationships ive had that failed, the number of weddings i havent had, the number of years i have left, the number of years ive done nothing with.

and im stuck.

*****
we had been flirting heavily and sexually by text the past week.  the past ten days at work has been hellish for me because of programming, and im still not done. ill have to redo more on monday. fun.

so, on thursday night, i went there, feeling so aroused, knowing he is, too.

we hung out on the balcony, and i wonder if hes still nervous around me. he lets me set the pace, but sometimes, it would be nice if he did.

the conversation was light, simple, and after an hour of chitchatting with only an hour left before i wanted to go home, i pulled him to me.

i love the first kiss and the first touch.  it feels so sensual and needed that i melt into his arms.

and the vape makes everything so deliberately slow and dreamlike that i feel im in some alternate fantasy universe.

when he kisses my neck as his hands move up to my breasts or my ass, when he does this, i feel like i will melt into him.

and the night was gorgeous last thursday, so my nipples in his mouth felt warm and erect, and i loved the seduction of it all.

i pulled him inside, asked him to turn off the lights, and we stood in his living room in the dark, and clothes started coming off.

he sat on the floor, against the couch, and i laid in front of him and took his cock in my mouth.

so, heres the thing.his cock? the biggest ive ever had inside of me, orally or vaginally. and forget about anally because ill be ripped.

i always worry about his cock in my mouth because i dont want my teeth to accidentally scrape it, so i take care to be gentle and slow, the way he tells me to be.

i love when he says my name, and i love when he moans and catches his breath when i find a great spot on his cock.

but the best is when he is in me, whether im on top or hes behind me, the feeling is amazing. hes very nicely endowed, so when he pounds me, i sometimes bleed.

and this is what happened on friday night.

i was on my knees, my body on the couch, he fucking me from behind, grabbing my shoulders, and me saying, deeper, deeper...

and he did. he complied every time, so when he pulled out and when we were lying on the floor, i felt very satiated.

when we caught our breaths, it was almost one in the morning, and he was hungry.

lets go for a walk, he said.

where?

lets get food.

i agreed, and he went in to take a shower.

he came out of the bathroom, and he said, youre bleeding. are you getting your period?

no. not for another couple of weeks.  i think you punctured me.

there were a few thrusts that could have been the culprit. but i assured him that it didnt hurt me, that i was fine, but i was a bit worried. and so was he, the sweet man.

heres the thing. the last two lovers ive had were pin pricks. really average sized. and they were not at all like this one.


which is a good thing because really? i like how this is in my life right now.

its very simple, very easy, very free. no drama. no bullshit.

and i think we are so on the same page about marriage and relationships.; same page meaning we are not at all in the direction of marriage or relationship.

hes a loner, as am i, which is why this works.  we talked about this, how neither of us wanted to live with others, and i think he understands that im leaving this city.

when we got back from dennys, we got into bed. its been so long since i slept with someone, and normally, id freak out, but with him, it feels safe and good.


but sometime between three and six, i crawled out to the couch and covered myself with a scarf and sweatshirt and allowed fatigue to take me hostage.

im not used to sharing space, especially when i sleep. but a few nights ago, when i spent the night, i found myself cozying up into his arms as i fell asleep, and when i woke up, we were entangled.

the couch was great, by the way, but not as comfortable as his bed.

and i woke up, startled, with him standing over me, telling me to come back to bed.

so i followed him, and when i climbed in, he said, do you want me to fuck you before you go?

umm hmmm, i said, sleepily.

and so he did. he deliciously fucked me as i was still fairly groggy, and i felt his cock the way i felt it on thursday night. i can feel his girth most when he fucks me from behind, and i get carried away, concentrating on nothing else but him going in and out of me.

that singular focus leads to a mind blowing orgasm...or three.

the sex is amazing, breathtaking, satisfying.

and the friendship? i love that the most.

nothing will beat that.

this man is better than the ones ive had before, the best in fact. hes generous and welcoming and funny and honest and a friend. i trust him, which is more than i can say for the 200 lb loser.

*****
i have a shit week ahead of me, but im going to make the most of it.

im feeling anxiety about photography again, and i need to find some project to get into.

obviously, i failed at the 365 project.

and my 41 by 42 list? its not my favorite.

however, i will do as much as i can so that i will feel some kind of accomplishment.