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dtla arts district los angeles, ca april 2012

i remember the nite i took this picture.

it was the second time i hung out with the detective.  this shot was taken through a link on a fence, and i love the effect of it.  depth of field and shit.

so.

tomorrow is the day before spring break, and everyone one of us is ready.  one of my kids is pulling shit, and i so strongly dislike this creature from the black lagoon that my love suggested i call her cerberus.

fitting.

anyway.

*****
the 29 year olds wife replied to a text meant for him.  all i said was hey, friend.

she wrote back, hi, m, this is a's wife.  i feel uncomfortable about you texting him because youve had sex, so please stop.  good luck.

i was stunned.  there were so many spelling errors, i almost died laughing.  and she feels uncomfortable that we had sex?

bitch, he wasnt that good...or that big.  youre the one who needs the luck.

no, i didnt respond with that.  i thought it, but i let it go.

i deleted his information...AGAIN...the first time was a month after we had left and i had gone to san francisco.

anyway.

*****
things with the man are really...well.

its working things out and working things through.

the more we do it, the closer we get, the more in love i fall, and the harder i feel.

and by feel, i mean cum.

this morning, i came five times as he talked me through every single one.

its unfair, you know, because it started at 4:45 am, and by the time it ended, i had only five minutes to recover.

motherfucker was slaving away.

i looked at myself in the mirror, and i saw the softness in my face.  i saw the tension released from a battle i fought with him last nite.

he won, of course, he always does, though i put in a very strong effort.

and why shouldnt he win?  hes always right, anyway, always so calm and so logical.

when he sets his mind to an idea, its like a vice grip...so strong and unmovable.  i mean, shit.  i have no recourse.

so i give in.  i listen, and i understand.  i hear the love in his voice, and i relax.

*****
im off for one glorious week.

ive got some plans here and there, but nothing major.  dinners.  yoga.  walking.  sleeping.  writing.  cumming.  you know.  the usual fare.

*****
the virgo has been trying to flirt.

but the thing is...hes so awful at it.

i had to ask him if he was drunk when he asked me if he could help me cum.

with his fingers.

really?

because he was bad.  he sucked at kissing.  he sucked at sex.  he sucked.

*****
the editor asked me to hang out, but i was evasive.

its a done deal.

im glad he got over his silly little crush on me.

*****
what will i do next year?

i am excited for the ending of this school year.

it was so much learning and loving.  i met some wonderful souls.

but.

sometimes its time to let go.

and its time.

it aint working out

 

lake shrine palos verdes, ca september 2011

and thats all i have to say about that.

i hate being a teacher.  its only been the last few weeks that ive really felt ill about it.  felt the anxiety, felt the stress.

and i only have ten more weeks left.  three major things.  standardized tests, student led conferences, and final grades.

these kids deserve a better teacher.  someone who is into teaching.

i am no longer that person.

i need to go out of the classroom and get into a nonprofit.

i am so down about this now.

its a crisis that i have to work through and let pass.

be brave.

random thoughts

la jolla shores la jolla, ca may 2012

 - i do not feel like i am doing my best in this position right now.  perhaps its because spring break is coming up, and i need the rest.  or perhaps, like dines said, i have outgrown this part of my career.

-  however, i love the connection i have with the kids, though i am not pleased with myself about how im handling a situation with a student in my class.  i have taken to ignoring her neediness in order to preserve my sanity and my energy.

-  i think my anemia has returned.  i have been feeling listless, dizzy, off.  i have a doctors appointment the first day of spring break.

-  i went to the acupuncture for the first time on tuesday.  the detective has told me to go after my accident in june.  i went because gaya said that it helped her with her energy.

-  acupuncture.  yoga.  walking.  meditation.  massage.  this is the year of self care.

-  i walked up the hill at the rose bowl yesterday.  i was terrified of it.  but i did it.

-  i find myself panicking when i dont do some form of exercise in a day.  its that high you get from sweating and muscles moving and blood flowing.

-  i wont be back in the classroom next year.  i pray i am guided to something different.

-  my colleagues are so fucking wonderful.  i am always grateful about that.  however.  they are not nice to each other, and that affects my energy so much.

-  i want to take a break from my routine for a month...find a lovely little pueblo in mexico on the pacific...rent out a place for a month...have the bare necessities...and spend days on the ocean...and in restaurants...photographing and writing...then come back with a new perspective.

i want this.

waking from hibernation

mission san juan bautista monterey, ca july 2011

i need to take more pictures.

the weather has been so beautiful, a bit too hot for my taste, but its all good...and with this loss of an hour, i cannot wait to walk the hill at the rose bowl.

this weekend was spent on self care.  on friday, i got an awesome massage, and i came home.  it was rainy, but it didnt pour until the middle of the nite.  i woke up to the raindrops hitting the skyroof.  it was loud.

on saturday, i worked, then i met up with gaya.  this woman is so amazing.  i love her intelligence, her humor, her honesty, her accent.  shes such a good friend, and i miss working with her every day.  we often talk about the days where we would work for a few hours, then grade papers.  boring if done alone, but more fun when shared.

we spent three hours at the restaurant, and neither of us had an adult beverage.  on saturdays after work, we usually ordered wine at the winery, but this was the first time when we didnt drink.

then we went to best buys where i found my next computer.  itll take some time to get used to windows 8, but its fine.

at best buys, theres an area where theatre seats are provided, so we plopped down for another two hours talking and laughing.

thats what i love about hanging out with her.  there is never a lull.

when i got home, i was exhausted.

my sleep was interrupted every two hours by nothing major, and i spent sunday in bed.  it was grand.

i needed it.

*****
the spring and the fall have always been my favorites.

i feel i am thawing, and my general mood is light.

i am awake again, making plans, instead of plodding through.

it is always in the spring that i find myself connecting with others, mostly of the male form.

the past few years, ive met someone between february and may, and those situations usually lasted until july.

this year will be a bit different.

im not interested.

*****
tomorrow, im going for acupuncture.

nothing specifically, but i think my iron is low because ive been a bit dizzy.

also, ive had pain on the right side of my leg...perhaps sciatica, but its gone now.  it disappeared after walking around the rose bowl three days in a row.

on thursday, dines and i are going to yoga again.  there are several places with offers of first time free for local residents.  but i think we are going to try to hit the studios with the yoga happy hour.

i am so excited for this.

i miss yoga.  i miss breathing and stretching.  im not disciplined enough to do it at home.  besides, i like hearing soothing voices and music.  and the collective energy motivates me.

*****
ive been in crisis about work.

i do not want to be a teacher next year.

i know this in my core, that ive outgrown it, but i remember last year making noise about being back in the classroom.

did i manifest this year?

i did.

last nite, i wrote in my journal about how miserable i am about my job.  i love the kids, love how much they need me, love their attention.  love the generosity of my colleagues.  love how things are run.

i dont love testing and grades and timelines.  i feel restricted by them.

i know theyre a necessity, but i cant.

so, i put it out there.  i wrote the type of position i want.  the freedom of being creative, of thinking out of the box, of having the luxury to make mistakes and have successes.

i want to be challenged and work on my skillsets.  i need to create my new adventure.

it is time.

and then i heard an amazing podcast that affirmed my intentions.

and it shall be done.

ten things about him that i love (that arent sexual)

lake shrine palos verdes, ca july 2011

10.  his love for the one who has changed his life
whenever i hear him speak to the little one, i am weakened.  their interaction is precious.  his voice softens, and the little one has such admiration for her daddy.

9.  his openness
he confessed this morning that it had always been hard to be forthcoming with his emotions, but his trust in me allows him to share with me.  he also is a bit of a music and movie whore, which i love, because he can listen or watch many things that may not be attractive to others.

8.  his perseverance
he works through his problems, he doesnt avoid them, though he did once.  he did it out of fear, out of his upbringing, out of love.  but hes evolved into this man whose spirit is strong and willing and willful.

7.  his truth
its amazing to listen to him and to read his words.  the man i first engaged contact with has become honest.  he has truthful about his life with me, even at the risk of hurting me.  he has been truthful about his hurt and his concerns, and he does it in a loving way.

6.  his beauty
mesmerizing blue eyes, crooked smile, and a cock that is perfection.  need i say more?  oh, yes.  his essence.  his sense of humor.  the inner workings of his mind.  the truthfulness of his soul.  the vulnerability of his heart.  the rawness of his love.  and the sum of his whole make every part of him delectable.

5.  his conviction
we would not be where we are if he didnt believe in us.  an ordinary man would have been scared off long ago.  but his belief that this is what he wants, that i am who he needs, that our love is what he deserves humbles me.

4.  his humility
hes never bragged about anything, and he is humbled by my love for him.  he thinks more of others and less of himself, and i love how that carries not only in his personal life but professional life, too.

3.  his intensity
okay, this is about sex.  but its also about his love for motorcycles.  and music.  and for me.  and for his daughter.  and for his truth.  and for his life.  and for his himself.  and how he sounds when he cums.  and how he holds his cock.  and how his cock twitches when he cums.

2.  his generosity of spirit
he makes every effort to ensure me of his place in my life.  he listens to my insecurities and my concerns.  he makes time for us, no matter how short or long.  he wiggles things around so he can stay with me on the phone longer, even if it will sacrifice sleep.  he puts his little one first, always.  and yeah, i know hes supposed to do that, but he does it lovingly and charitably.

1.  his love for me
i know.  and thats all i need to know.  i feel.  and thats all thats important.  i hear.  and thats all that matters.  i sense.  and its with him that i want my life spent and invested.  i hurt.  and he sits with me.  i cry.  and he soothes.  i am wild.  and he celebrates it.  i love.  and he accepts it.

navigating

lake shrine palos verdes, ca september 2011

there is a deep hurt inside of me, and i dont know if it has always been there, or if its something new.

im reading a new book called, the untethered soul by michael singer.  he discusses the loudness of thoughts and how we should step back from them and to find the space of silence between thoughts.

to compound the hurt, i feel the need to run away, to retreat.

*****
work has been challenging lately the closer i get to the end, which is not until june.

but i can feel this separation, this disconnect with not only work, but with everything.

with myself.

with my friends.

with him.

and i can fake it.

i can.

*****
but i find myself spiraling when i do fake it.

what we resist, persist.

i mean, fuck.

ive resisted my trust issues, and they surface all the time with him.

im so fortunate and blessed with this man who has a generous spirit.

*****
and so, i will spend time working through this.

i will navigate through my hurt and feel happy once again.

i will.

for me.

and for him.

transitions

dtla art district los angeles, ca july 2011

he called this morning with some powerful news, and it caused me to look at the clock, which read 3:42 am.

his coast is three hours ahead, so i knew he was on his way to work.

the news.  i couldnt process it completely, not with a mind that was still a bit drowsy.  his voice was clear, but i was not clear, and i was in a bit of a shock, to be honest.

this man has immense power to manifest.

its one of the qualities i love about him, but his manifestation isnt practiced like mine is.

his is a combination of intent, visualization, and feeling.

those three mixed in a mind that is stubborn and willful produces a result that is always favorable.

*****
there is still some hurt in my heart almost twelve hours later after hearing the news.

in the long term, the decision will be beneficial to all involved, especially to the little heart that will be affected greatly.

and then theres the other party to consider.  someone who is hurting, as well, but perhaps unable to display it or convey it.

it is for her that my heart breaks the most because i have been on that end.

the end that is logical, eerily so, callous (a word he used earlier), and locked into suppression of feelings.

and he?

he was calm, perhaps still in shock with the news, but also, i suspect, relieved.

relieved to start living.  to start being truthful in all ways.  to start answering to himself.

and ive been there, too.

there was a huge guilt on my part, guilt for being happy that the irish had gone.

guilt for not loving enough...or rather, for not loving the way he deserved to be loved.

guilt for being selfish...or rather, for choosing myself over him.

guilt for recapturing my life, my freedom, my sanity.

*****
i never really recover from the loss.

its just i negotiate the days differently.

there are some places i avoid, some songs i immediately change if on the radio, some movies i dont watch.

the other day, pi was on, and the irish loved that movie.  i thought it was creepy, but he loved it because he understood what the character was going through when he did something to his head after a bout of migraine headaches.

for some time, i couldnt drive the freeway that lead to w's loft.  if i had to pass it, id disconnect from my emotions until a mile in either direction.

and there are other reminders, of other lovers.  when it rains, the hiker texts me.  when the detective is at urth caffe, he texts me.

lately, the virgo has been emailing me.  nothing serious or flirtatious, though he says hes trying to be, but its so lost on me.  because i am in love.

*****
i am in love.

and this love will ask some things of me.

it will ask me to relocate.

it will ask me to take on a role of a mother again.

it will ask me to be vulnerable, strong, wild, gentle.

it will ask me to love.

it will ask me to be loved.

and i will do it.

i will do it because it is exciting, it is right, and it is him.

it is him.

*****
i am impulsive.

its a blessing and a curse, a weakness and a strength.

i am a free spirit.

i am independent, fiercely so.

and i am a loner.

i am private.

i am chaotically organized.

and i love who i am.

these are parts of me that i have to share with him.

it will be different.

and it scares me.

but it excites me more.

*****
there is his flesh to be touched.

his scent to be inhaled.

his moans to be heard.

his essence to behold.

his cum to be tasted.

and if this is so, and if the planets are aligning, and he is ready, and i am ready...

then why am i still on this coast?