christmas eve eve

chinese garden huntington library + gardens san marino, ca dec 2013

winter break began nicely with no trauma, no drama, and no crazy mamas.  the kids this year are so nice, and im going to make sure they stay that way.

it was a bit hectic last friday with sending out gifts and cards to those who didnt expect it.  i love the look on their faces when i handed them something small.  just being remembered is enough, i think, but i gave out inexpensive yet thoughtful stuff this year.  if i had been better prepared, id have given out to more.  i wanted to target the custodians and the secretaries, those who do so much but get paid shit.

*****
i received some great stuff, too.  but it doesnt matter what they were.  just being included is so much more than necessary.  the tokens are just that, but the thought is really what matters to me.

my favorite gift is one from mogan who gifted me with some girl scout leaves.  i love that guy so much.  hes always been so down to earth with me, esp my first year there.  i think he was surprised that i partake in the green, but when he realized i was genuine, he shared with me how he started.

during bic, he asked for apples, so the kids who work for me gave him some, and on friday, during friends friday in the boys pe, he served me a cup of apple cider that he made.  so fucking good.  i could barely taste the poison, it was that good.

i got home around 7:00 pm that nite, and i was exhausted.  the drive was a bit daunting, but not as bad as other nites.

i ate dinner, and i smoked some of the gsl.  i love the smell of good marijuana, and i reveled in the scent.  it was strong.  it knocked me out from 7:30 pm til about 1:00 am, then i fell asleep around 4:30 am and woke again at 10:00 am saturday morning.

dreams were a bit crazy that nite.  one included the man i had loved for the last year or so.  we were happy, taking pictures, driving and stopping along the way.  it was beautiful.  and it was hard to wake from it.

*****
i got ready to meet shel to hang out for the winter solstice at huntington library + gardens.  we shared a membership, and i got a $20 discount for being an educator.  it was the best $100 i spent on myself...well, okay, $50 because we split it.

i loved this membership.  i had it before, and i get to take someone for free.  i used it to hang with my aunt and grandmother, with gaya, and even just myself.

its about ten minutes from my house, but being there is like being in another world.  literally.  one day, im going to go alone and photograph the hell out of it, and then ill post the pics.

the art is amazing.  there is an exhibit on junipero serra and his trek to establish missions.  there are so many gardens that exist in this place:  a chinese garden, a japanese garden, a california garden, and flowers and plants from other countries.  i cannot marvel enough about this place, and driving there on saturday, my mind did a funny little thing as it always does:  it made my heart yearn for that man i loved and wished i had taken him here.

i will take full advantage of this membership, i need to commune with nature, and there are places there to write.  i remember one saturday sitting in the chinese gardens, overlooking the pond, and writing.

which is what shel and i did.  we spoke about our words for the year.  i think ive limited mine down to two, after much prayer.  i woke up today from a dream speaking about self-love.  so that will be one.  and the other is discipline.

she also asked about my situation with men, and i told her how it had ended last monday.  she was shocked. i am, too, to be honest, but it was time to let go.  i love him, but.  i mean, if there has to be that three letter word at the end of something so grand, then its time to let go.  i am still so tender about it, but i feel released from him.  i believe that he felt it, too, that the time has come, and he let go as well.

*****
we had dinner, then we said our good byes, and then i came home and smoked.

i loved it.  but again, i fell asleep at 9:00 pm and woke up somewhere around 4:00 am, and i was groggy being in and out of sleep.

yesterday was spent relaxing and then going to church with shel and having soup and salad after.

*****
the guy from nyc wanted to chat last nite, but i wasnt home, so that was that.

the guy who lives in a loft who i met years ago asked when we can hang out again.  im so not interested. nice guy, a bit older, but i remember that it was not pleasant to be with him physically.

havent heard from the texan, which i am so relieved about.  hes an energy vampire, and i hope hes met someone lovely.

*****
christmas will be different this year.  my son and i will spend it together, eating and watching a movie.

theres just no tradition in this family, and it saddens me.

so in the spirit of self-love, i will avoid anything sad this season.

theres just no need for it.

today

was better than yesterday.

yesterday, i had to contact the sexual abuse unit in the lapd and then contact the pet team to evaluate a student.  the police came and stayed for four hours.  the parents were so supportive, and understandably, crying.  several times, i saw them huddling as a family.

eriven and i would look at each other, and once, she said, that family is so calm.  if it were me, id have killed the guy by now.

the perpetrator is my student's step grandfather, the man who raised her mother.

the sick shit people do.

it disgusts me violently.

*****
today, however, another student reported that her grandmother's tenant touched her.

the grandmother said, im not defending him or protecting him, but sometimes kids lie.

in any situation like this, i will believe a child.  only once did i not believe a student, and it turned out i was right.

what the major fuck is wrong with this world?

*****
the security guy here came in and asked how i was doing because of yesterday.

you know, that was so nice.

i love how people are so kind and compassionate.

*****
im having that feeling again where i want to run.

run.

come on, powerball.

just once.

this on a tuesday

by 7:00 am, ive:

emailed the texan thanking him for being patient and for not calling me for awhile and acknowledging how hard that is seeing as he will be going to la jolla for the nite and not asking me to join him.

emailed the east coast man my (music) obsession:  imagine dragons' demons.

did a 15 minute meditation:  om shanti om.

prayed in gratitude and with strength for the blessings in my life (like i dont have psoriasis).

made my bed.

got dressed (brown cords and denim shirt with a white tank).

looked pretty (its a feat).

drove to starbucks for my usual (venti iced coffee, one pump sweetener, extra soy, and a tomato cheese croissant).

heard from one of my (now) favorite barista that shes putting in her notice because of the bipo manager (i know her...i agree).

*****
by 11:00 am, ive:

had a parent conference with one of my students (the kid is 312 lbs and is missing a finger).

picked up a student from the curbside (he wanted to stay at home so he can play the fucking GHOST game).

visited two classrooms (i was impressed with one, not so much with the other).

*****
by 4:00 pm, ive:

been called a fucking counselor by one of my (favorite) students.  he made a public apology at the staff meeting (his idea).

presented to the staff at a faculty meeting.

helped prepare for a presentation tomorrow and thursday.

*****
when i got to my office, i got a message from the texan to check my email.

holy shit.

i didnt even read it all, but when i scanned, he mentioned how he wanted to be with me.

what the fuck doesnt he understand?

its never going to happen.

ever.

i know that nothing in my physical or spiritual being wants to be with him.

he is not the one.

he is not my prayer.

*****
my prayer doesnt ever want to talk to me.

he is angry or hurt or whatever with me.

he has dismissed me.

and i have to respect and honor that.

*****
life goes on.

it has to, no matter what.

and i, for one, am so fucking grateful for that very truth.

and so it is...

random shot june 2009

i am exhausted today, and it is hot.  if we had clouds like the one up above, we would not be burning up.

but tomorrow, things will go back to the kind of weather i like:  cool, dark, threats of rain.  that should last about a week.

*****
the past few days (hell, years), i have been in purgatory about my career.

i met an art director recently who i spoke to about my need to have more of a creative job, doing something with paint or photography or words.

he likes the way i write, he says, and it reaffirms what i wanted to do in an alternate universe:  document lives through words and images.

i need time to go away.  hang out in some small beach town for a week or four and just let go.

its time.

ive been meaning to do this for some time now, and something always gets in the way.

*****
the school year is ending, and i am happy.

a week ago, i had my post evaluation meeting with my ap.  she was very generous and accurate about her observations, but lets face it...its total bullshit.  she mentioned that she was writing it up so that anyone who reads the review will want to pick me up for a position.

i gave her my thanks and told her my appreciation.  i vented to her that there were people on staff who were entitled assholes and were confrontational to the point that their negativity permeated throughout.  of course i wasnt this blunt.  i was careful and diplomatic.

hey, we all play games.

she told me that she wanted to keep me on board as a teacher, but if and when the other counselor got another job, i would be put in that position.

joy.

i was very grateful, but there are just some people here who i could not bear to work with again, and i was in this zone of leaving at the end of the school year.  i had started saying good bye.

to be honest, i was looking forward to leaving.  while i had a pretty good run here, i hated the drive and some of the people, and i do not want to be a teacher.

on monday, my ap came to tell me that she worked out numbers and that i would be back next year.

i was deflated.  i put on a brave smile.  i thanked her.  i asked her for which position.  she said teacher, but after that, who knew.  i felt so unhappy.  and hopeless.  again.

i spoke to damis about this.  i told her that i trusted only her, and i asked her to keep it confidential.  she agreed.  shes the one i feel closest to, especially since shes the only one who gets my jokes.  the sexual innuendo ones.

*****
update:  its a been a few days since i touched this.

yesterday was hellish.  i had  problems with two students...but today.

today was delicious.

i love my kids.

they love me.

its teachers appreciation week, and i told them that for me, its been teacher appreciation year.

im receiving cards they made from other classes, and i wonder what i did to deserve such love.

perhaps its because i love them, too.

*****
and speaking of love.

i wonder what the Heavenly Father wants of me next.

when i think of staying here, i feel a knot in my stomach that really makes me physically ill.

i dont know if i want to be in education anymore...

but ill tell you this, and i know how cheesy it is:  when i see evidence of learning, of loving, of wanting to be in school, of wanting to learn, of sharing their lives with me, i dont want to do anything else.

*****
and i am in love with a man.

he is so wonderfully patient and generous, and i learn from him every day.  his voice commands my body, and i respond to him in many ways.

he makes me feel so fulfilled, so fortunate, so incredibly alive.

he makes me feel alive.

he makes me feel.

i am in love.

and so, here we are.  making plans for the summer to spend a glorious week together.

then we will see from there.

*****
Dear God,

thank You for letting this year unfold, always at the last minute, always at Your Divine time.  thank You for bringing out the best in me, for being so amazingly loving, for the way You communicate with me.

i am humbled by Your love, Father God, humbled by Your deep love.

please, Father, please bring me to my highest self.

in Jesus' name.

amen.

truths

lacey park, san marino, ca december 2012

the other day, a student in my class - who has been a fucking pain to everyone in the beginning of the year but has really matured and has a good relationship with me - was talking to another about what they wanted to do when they grew up.

the student said to me, what do you want to be when you grow up?

i looked at him and said with a resignation, i dont know yet.

well, what did you want to be?

a teacher.

oh, you reached your goal.

and something in me clicked.  this insight from a kid who i believe will land in jail if he doesnt watch it with the sexual explicitness in his conversations really changed my perspective.

he was right.  i had reached my goal.  why hadnt i planned on a new one?

why hadnt i began to figure shit out?

but i will again.  soon.  with guidance from above and within.

*****
i steadily fall in love every day with the man who i have written about in my journals and dreamt about on days where it was rough or not.

i found a journal i had written in 2010 after the closure - or slamming of a proverbial door - with the 200 lb loser and the fatty bitch.

i grieved and healed in san diego during valentines day weekend.  i met a booty call whose kissing and fingering and sense of humor were fantastic.

i had just met the dtla math guy and then the 29 year old - in whom i have found such great disappointment - and then i left for san francisco for the summer.

when i came back, i hung out with the argentinian.  that didnt last long, but it was romantic and fun and dreamy and sexy.

and then started as a counselor in the middle school.

but i wrote about what kind of man i wanted to spend time with. 

i wrote about my loneliness and my being ready to commit.

i wrote about what i needed.

and three years later, i have discovered him.  and with every freaking interaction, i feel our connection and our bond deepen.

it is involuntary, it is natural.  it is right.

he constantly and consistently amazes me, and i am a better person for knowing him.

*****
summer comes soon this year with the new school calendar.

i really hope to hit oregon and photograph the natural beauty of Gods majesty.

i had wanted - really wished - to go to the east coast, but it doesnt look like it will be happening.

its just as well.

perhaps i am not ready yet.  perhaps he isnt.

perhaps there are others we have yet to experience before we commit to each other.

but my God, i love him so much.

*****
i stumbled here at work, but im on the right path again.

i can do this.

i will do this.

i am doing this.

i got this.

next year will be another adventure.  and i am so ready for it.

untitled

dtla arts district los angeles, ca april 2012

i remember the nite i took this picture.

it was the second time i hung out with the detective.  this shot was taken through a link on a fence, and i love the effect of it.  depth of field and shit.

so.

tomorrow is the day before spring break, and everyone one of us is ready.  one of my kids is pulling shit, and i so strongly dislike this creature from the black lagoon that my love suggested i call her cerberus.

fitting.

anyway.

*****
the 29 year olds wife replied to a text meant for him.  all i said was hey, friend.

she wrote back, hi, m, this is a's wife.  i feel uncomfortable about you texting him because youve had sex, so please stop.  good luck.

i was stunned.  there were so many spelling errors, i almost died laughing.  and she feels uncomfortable that we had sex?

bitch, he wasnt that good...or that big.  youre the one who needs the luck.

no, i didnt respond with that.  i thought it, but i let it go.

i deleted his information...AGAIN...the first time was a month after we had left and i had gone to san francisco.

anyway.

*****
things with the man are really...well.

its working things out and working things through.

the more we do it, the closer we get, the more in love i fall, and the harder i feel.

and by feel, i mean cum.

this morning, i came five times as he talked me through every single one.

its unfair, you know, because it started at 4:45 am, and by the time it ended, i had only five minutes to recover.

motherfucker was slaving away.

i looked at myself in the mirror, and i saw the softness in my face.  i saw the tension released from a battle i fought with him last nite.

he won, of course, he always does, though i put in a very strong effort.

and why shouldnt he win?  hes always right, anyway, always so calm and so logical.

when he sets his mind to an idea, its like a vice grip...so strong and unmovable.  i mean, shit.  i have no recourse.

so i give in.  i listen, and i understand.  i hear the love in his voice, and i relax.

*****
im off for one glorious week.

ive got some plans here and there, but nothing major.  dinners.  yoga.  walking.  sleeping.  writing.  cumming.  you know.  the usual fare.

*****
the virgo has been trying to flirt.

but the thing is...hes so awful at it.

i had to ask him if he was drunk when he asked me if he could help me cum.

with his fingers.

really?

because he was bad.  he sucked at kissing.  he sucked at sex.  he sucked.

*****
the editor asked me to hang out, but i was evasive.

its a done deal.

im glad he got over his silly little crush on me.

*****
what will i do next year?

i am excited for the ending of this school year.

it was so much learning and loving.  i met some wonderful souls.

but.

sometimes its time to let go.

and its time.

it aint working out

 

lake shrine palos verdes, ca september 2011

and thats all i have to say about that.

i hate being a teacher.  its only been the last few weeks that ive really felt ill about it.  felt the anxiety, felt the stress.

and i only have ten more weeks left.  three major things.  standardized tests, student led conferences, and final grades.

these kids deserve a better teacher.  someone who is into teaching.

i am no longer that person.

i need to go out of the classroom and get into a nonprofit.

i am so down about this now.

its a crisis that i have to work through and let pass.

be brave.

navigating

lake shrine palos verdes, ca september 2011

there is a deep hurt inside of me, and i dont know if it has always been there, or if its something new.

im reading a new book called, the untethered soul by michael singer.  he discusses the loudness of thoughts and how we should step back from them and to find the space of silence between thoughts.

to compound the hurt, i feel the need to run away, to retreat.

*****
work has been challenging lately the closer i get to the end, which is not until june.

but i can feel this separation, this disconnect with not only work, but with everything.

with myself.

with my friends.

with him.

and i can fake it.

i can.

*****
but i find myself spiraling when i do fake it.

what we resist, persist.

i mean, fuck.

ive resisted my trust issues, and they surface all the time with him.

im so fortunate and blessed with this man who has a generous spirit.

*****
and so, i will spend time working through this.

i will navigate through my hurt and feel happy once again.

i will.

for me.

and for him.

city of angels

la sunset from the griffith park observatory jan 2013

i havent photographed.

and ive been 44 for six days, and tomorrow, my son will be 20.

its beautiful out...large billowy clouds holding lots of rain, some parts cloudy, other parts sunny.  and its cold.

i wouldnt mind, except im trying to get over a wicked illness that has run through my sinuses and is now in my chest.  last nite, i woke myself up choking on a dry throat.

and it wasnt fun going to dinner feeling all sick.  but the company on my birthday were the ones who i love alot in my circle of friends.

we went to a new pizzeria in dtla, had some pizza and salad and drinks....then we went to hotel figueroa to get more drinks.

it was a beautiful, balmy nite, and i was happy.

*****

except, i wish he were with us.

i wish he were walking with us, laughing with us...

and after, i would have shown him my dtla.  all the places ive found when i intentionally got lost.  all the treasures in the scary streets.  and i want to photograph with him.

so, yesterday, when we were talking, i said, just to be with you, i could die happy.

he said, no, dont say that.  thats like what happened to meg ryan.

in the city of angels.

i love that movie.  for many reasons, but the first and foremost is the ending.

to die happy.  to die before one gets too old.  to die in the arms of the one you love.  to be loved.

and how he loves me.

this man takes my breath away, and when i am on the phone with him, its as if the distance between us is nonexistent.

he used the word transcendental once.

and many times after.

its perfectly fitting to describe what has transpired.

*****

i wish i can remember all that we talk about in a day, starting from when he wakes me up to the last call of the day.

i wish i can remember the plans, the affection, the words.

i wish i can remember how many times we tell each other we love each other...

the love i have for him frees me from who i was before, the woman who didnt believe, who didnt expect, and more importantly, who didnt want.

i had no time for this business of partnership, of love.

i remember when the detective hurt my feelings when he was candid about how i didnt need love, that i thought it was silly to need someone to share my life with.

he was right.  he was absolutely right.

and it hurt.

it made me look at myself in an honest way.  it made me reflect back on all the psuedo situations ive had, and i asked myself if i was indeed resistant.

and i was.

i still am.

i only want one.

thats all i need.

my psychological make up has been altered by the love i have for this man, and i must say, i am happy.

*****

his city is being hit by a terrible blizzard.

he was telling me a bit about the road conditions earlier today, when i said, and you want me to live there?

if you like snow and cold, he said.

i dont like it.  ive become a cali girl, and i love the weather here.  but i know i have to move there.  should i buy some winter clothes now when it goes on sale?  and in case it doesnt work, ill donate it to goodwill or something.

and we laughed it off.

just like that.

*****

the flow between us has been so sweet and easy.

there was a shift, i believe, when he began to have an truthful relationship with himself.  this was a few weeks back when he hit a stumbling back, and he got up a different man.

stronger.  braver.  more truthful.

and i know its hard.

when i began my journey into my truth, the Uni-verse cleaned out my proverbial life closet.  he took out who and what no longer served me.

the first to go were the fatty bitch and the 200 lb loser.  then it was my job at the high school.  what i realize now in retrospect is that every one that came after the 200 lb loser were cleaned out immediately without any of the drag that i allowed with him.

the longest situations were the hiker and the detective.  i think i had a few times with the 31 year old and with others that i cannot and do not remember now.

they are in the past.

and if i had to go through them to get where i am now with who i am now and as i am now, i will do it.

*****

work has been a struggle.

i feel like a phony, a person dressed as a teacher without being aligned to what this district believes in.

i do not believe in standardized tests.  they dont measure a student.  they dont measure progress because the students are not all at the same starting point.  they cant finish at the same finish line.

i have students who are not good at tests, but they can talk about the nfl players and their stats.  who the fuck goes to bars and talk about sumerians?

i have students who are artists and are creative, but they dont know how to regroup.  who the fuck stands around at dinner parties talking about erosion and the water cycle?

i have students who would rather read than do homework, but they dont know how to write a complete sentence.  who the fuck has a dinner date and discuss proportions?

i mean, come on!!!

yes, i understand there is a need to teach these random, boring subjects, but im not buying it.  im educated, and you know what i love talking to my friends about?  movies.  music.  the cute guy with the hot ass on the wednesday nite show.  the stupid bitch gossip guy who is worse than a middle school girl.

what i teach is this:  respect.  respect for others.  respect for education.  respect for life.  respect for self.  they love the stories i tell them of former students and how they got up when they were down.

this crap that im uselessly stuffing down their throats?

it makes me just as sick.

and i have to go back to Source, to my God, and i have to speak with Him about how lost i am, about how deeply disappointed in myself i am at failing Him, and i have to be honest with Him and tell Him that i do not know where i belong.

i am a good educator.  but i am failing these kids by cramming this stuff in their minds.  i am failing them by testing and testing and testing.

my students are more than percentages.  they are more than 31 fucking questions.

they are more.

and i am, too.