in love

venice beach, ca june 2011

i am in a city i love, and i have just come back after having dinner and spending some time with my cousine and her two men.

do you want more kids?  i asked her.

yes, but did you know you have to have sex to have children?

ha!

how about you?  hows your love life?

well, honey, theres no love but lots of like.  no one special, but im going to meet up with a fellow blogger on monday.

he lives here?

well, no, he doesnt live here here, but about an hour away.

and?

and we are just going to get coffee or drinks on monday, talk, catch up.

any chance...?

oh, no, honey, it isnt like that.

oh.  i was hoping it would be.

why?

so youll have a good reason to come up more often.

you know what?  youll be my reason to come up more.

******
its no secret that i am not happy in southern california.

i dont belong there, never felt i had a sense of balance, or a need to return.  when i would tramp off to college after visiting my family, there was never a pull to come back.

but with this city, its different.  i can feel my body reacting to the thought of going back to la.  i feel my instinct and my soul crying out to be heard, and what they want to say is to stay.

to take the plunge.  to stop being a pussy.  to follow my heart and risk.  to trust that God will be with me no matter what.  to be here.

this is what i need to meditate on when i head back into the city and photograph the hell out of places.  i wont stay long, just a few hours to feel the energy, to collect my thoughts.  find a church and go to mass.

i just have nothing left to do in la.  and i dont have a job, so...

im becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of leaving.  im not one of those who plans and plans and does things the easy way.

no, not me.  i need a certain amount of stress and fear and spontaneity.

i do not know what would lead me here, but i invite and welcome any help i can get.