on being grateful and divine timing and the end of summer

union square san francisco, ca july 2010

i am so grateful.  i wish i could fully express how grateful i am, but its so deep in my heart that words cannot give it justice, so ill just sit here feeling it, hoping that i can convey the energy, knowing i cant.

tomorrow, i will finally know in which school i will be placed.  im prepared now to make new friends, help new students and parents, embrace the change.  God had a plan for me this summer, and at the end, i think i realize what i was to learn from the beginning.

the most important commodity that i had plenty of this summer was time.  time to sleep, to dream, to wonder, to feel anxiety, to meet amazing men, to explore, to discover, to breathe, to cry, to pray, to love, to meditate, to be me.

if i had a job, i wouldnt have had the time to do all of these things, and so i am grateful to God for giving me this time, divine time, to receive this gift. 

and ive learned so much, valuable lessons that i will apply in the next phase of my life...lessons from so many wonderful teachers.

ive felt such divine love, something ive never truly felt before, not because it wasnt there, but more because i wasnt able to silent my heart and still my mind to receive it.

i know what joy feels like.  i was stung by the ending of a very special summer romance.  i didnt consider this person anything long term, but i felt we had some spiritual connection, but we were both duped.  its unfortunate.  but through the confusion and the surface pain, i sought comfort in prayer, got affirmation from bible verses, read about meditation.

i walked around the city where my soul resides, visited a college town, and found thats where i want to live.  my son spent three weeks with his paternal side of the family, and his father was being nice and flirtatious alternatively.

i loved this summer.  i loved what ive learned.  i love what ive felt.

and im so grateful.

untitled

lake merritt oakland, ca july 2010

yesterday morning, i woke up with a very clear message:  soak up this time, be selfish with it, because when things start rolling, you wont have time to catch your breath.

was this a thought of my own?  nope, not at all.  in fact, i felt i was being lazy because this heat makes me not want to do anything at all...

so, this message, this was from the universe, from God, and i was going to heed it.

today has been unproductive.  the weather is to blame, not wanting to spend money, not wanting to waste gas, not wanting to open the garage door that is fucked up...all those got in the mix.

but its night now, and the internet says its 69 degrees out, but inside this house?  well, im sweating.  occasionally, i feel a sweet breeze blow through from the opened patio door to the opened kitchen window.

*****
the news thats good is this:  the 400 lb losers have divided.  maybe they fought too much over the last doughnut...or maybe they couldnt fit in the bed anymore...or the fatty bitch was just too nasty, or maybe that 200 lb loser was?

who cares.  i just know that they are done, and i feel neither happiness or sadness.

when i told sanva, she said this:  fuck that puta.  she shouldve had her priorities (& loyalties) in the right place from the start!  forgiveness is one thing, friendship is another all together!

amen.

*****
im not entertaining the fact of opening that can of worms up again.  im so different now, from the way i speak to the way i think.

im more confident, more discerning, more aware, more spiritual in thinking and of living...and there is no room for the past toxic people or situations in my life right now.

there are some people who wont survive in my realm because ive become very impatient with certain traits:  disloyalty, unkindness, disrespect, selfishness, neediness, bitterness...all symptoms of a soul with cancer.

this summer served as a time to cleanse my system, to detoxify, to find me again under the rubble, to learn to turn to God and Jesus and the Blessed Mother.

my thoughts lean towards others, except when my ego gets in the way, and my ego is as stubborn as my soul. it wants to stay with me, but with kindness, i tell it to go away.

*****
when i was walking around lake merritt on my first day of my vacation, i asked God what He wants of me. and when i looked down, i saw the quote above: service above self.

so, thats my answer.  three words.  a very simple command.  a very clear direction.

and i want to go back to work now.  i want to flex my service muscles, have the Holy Spirit speak through me when someone is in need.

i want to meet new people, get the feel of a new office, hear new stories, see new faces, taste new flavors...in essence, i want to challenge myself.  i like change, the ups and downs of it.

*****
but i need to have some physical contact with someone amazingly, devastatingly good in bed.  something to end the summer and carry me through the next few months until the next vacation.

someone who is romantic, a great kisser, nicely sized, tender, rough, soothing touch, seductive gaze...a man who knows how to make love and how to fuck.

because dammit, its been so damned long.

i need relief.

needs

bubba gumps restaurant monterey, ca july2009

i need patience.

having had the summer off was truly a Divine gift, one that makes me wonder if i deserve it because im so used to having only three or four weeks before i dive into the madness known as z time or summer school.  but there is a reason, a purpose for this time off, and if i were to boil it down to one single thing, it would be this:  ive been afforded time to get to know myself.

its a wonderful thing, really, because while i thought i knew who i was, im discovering that i am indeed more.  im facing my fears, being honest with myself, and ive discovered that i can cry without falling into a mad abyss.  and i love it.

i have been transforming, moving more towards my lifes purpose, whatever that is.  its all about faith and surrender because im really just allowing moments to unfold.

but its been challenging, and just now, my meltdown propelled me to write in here.  all of a sudden, an irrational fear and stupid anxiety filled me, and i felt overwhelmed.

i allow myself this from time to time; i have to to preserve my sanity.  and its also to strengthen my faith.

*****
i need balance.

ive always been extreme in my ways, and i need to have equilibrium.

i want to have a career that will marry counseling and art...and not really art therapy.

dbm keeps pushing me to do grantwriting and fundraising.  perhaps shes right.

*****
i need to be of service.

i know my life will not be worth it if i dont do for others.

i believe this in my soul.

i hope that my service will include photography.

and counseling.

*****
i need to have some great sex.

its been too long and too bad.  ive been so disappointed.  i want a great kiss that lasts for hours and a great lover that knows how to make love to me...and yes, how to fuck me.

ive had to deal with this within my own emotional and psychological constructs.  is fucking bad and making love good?

i remember a conversation i had with w a long time ago about fucking and making love.  he wanted to always make love, while i thought we were doing well fucking.

making love requires so much.  intimacy, innate understanding of one's self and that of the other, love, surrender, vulnerability.

and fucking?  doesnt ask for much.  in fact, its a pretty selfish act.  isnt it?  its for one's own pleasure, for the moment, sometimes violent, sometimes cheap.  but always, for me, a bit thrilling and taboo.

so what i need now is to not make a lover my friend and not to befriend my lovers.  this is something that works with my nature.  i would not recommend it to many.

see, ive always been terrible at intimacy.  it was only a few years ago that i learned to communicate my feelings rather than just keeping it all in like a secret meant for no one else but me.  therapy cured that.

and the other night, i met c, and i told him i didnt cuddle.  i think it surprised him and turned him off equally.  just as well.  hes not my type, and i dont want to be with anyone right now.

but i have needs, and one of them is inspiration.  and i find my inspiration in soulful kisses, sexy stories, quiet times of touching and listening and breathing and communicating without words.  and in acts of kindness, behavior that conveys respect for oneself and others.  and in roughness and tenderness.

i believe i need this now because i feel a spiritual cleansing, and i feel more in touch with myself.  i feel some of the fears melting away or if not melting, then just being accepted.

i need this now because i want to erase the first part of this summer, the physical part of it anyway...and not just this summer, lets go back to spring with the dtla friend of mine.

i need to actually erase the mediocrity that ive been settling for lately.

because im worth more than mediocrity.

transformation

jupiter cafe berkeley, ca july, 2010

sunday afternoon, vansa, dapel, and i celebrated vansa's 40th bday by having brunch here and then watching this long anticipated movie.

i had been lauding the book for the past year or so, recommending it to friends and strangers, hoping that whoever reads it will take an inventory of their lives and find it to be wonderfully amazing or in need of change.

for me, it was the latter.  because of the story, i was not afraid to travel alone, whereas before, the thought of loneliness crippled me and made me not go.

last year on my first trip to the bay alone, i felt adventurous, daring, and safe...and reading over the posts i wrote then, i realized how my spirit really needed to escape.

this year, however, my trip wasnt so much to escape la, but rather, to find peace and closure and to let go.

you see, the first half of this year had been an amazing journey of discovering friendships, of relinquishing toxic people and situations without anger, of surrendering to the will of God, of growing and humility, of becoming a stronger woman, of accepting myself and others, and of transforming.

it didnt start this year, of course.  my transformation has been in progress for several years now, but the surrendering is very recent.

i hate la.  it pains me to state this, but its the hard truth, and while its been home for the last 18 years and while the city has its beautiful and amazing spots and experiences, i have to go.

its my son who anchors me here at this harbor, but my spirit has been restless.  for now, its pacified by the countdown...my son graduates in june 2011, and im leaving.

i know that my exit is not a very popularly accepted decision, and i have to really work it in with my very toughest critics (my mother, my sister, my father...my brother fully supports it, i think).

but this is my life, and i have to finally give life to this dream ive had for the last three long years.

last year, when i was with the 200 lb loser, i almost gave up this dream and resigned myself to staying here because he was a fucking tard  who didnt like changes.  this was my low point, ever, in the past three years.  i cant imagine being that low again, so ive decided to not embark on a relationship with anyone here in la.

of course, every now and then, my friends anxiety, doubt, and fear come to visit me, especially late at night which causes my insomnia to join in on all the fun.

anxiety, doubt, and fear...the fabulous trio...ask me how im going to live, how im going to support myself, how will i find a job.  they also remind me about lack of money, loneliness, change because they know that those issues lurk in my mind.

the trio then questions me about my commitment to this decision, and sometimes, they mock me because i dont really have a plan on how to make this happen, but ive learned how to handle them.

i tell my ego that im sorry, but it has to go.  because im having a love affair with possibilities, adventure, and risk.  its this trinity that i adhere to, this trinity that comforts me, this trinity that finds rest in my heart and my mind and causes my soul to be joyous.

this trinity is the one that makes my current situation bearable, that makes me feel like my true self, that makes me understand that the universe is conspiring with me to make it happen.

how do i know?  because a few minutes ago, the universe emailed me this:   

 m, youre the only person who knows whats right for you.  

the only one. 

and if you already know what this is, commit to it.  if you dont, commit to nothing.  

only you know,

the universe

ps...whether you commit or not, m, get busy.  

there are still things to do, doors to knock on, stones to overturn, trees to befriend...

so.  i never feel alone with my life plan.  i know i have the support of the universe, the angels, God, the Blessed Mother, and Jesus.  the details?  im still working on it, not needing to be too specific, leaving room for possibilities, adventure, and risk.

my sister believes in planning to the minutest details, and this is why i would never want to live her life.  but it works for her...she needs it.  she married someone who shares the same views, and shes fortunate, but one word comes to mind:  boring.

of course, my lifestyle is maddening to her.  shes given up trying to save change me, trying to set me up with someone, trying to encourage me to save in my ira, trying to get me to be like her.  i used to find this as a critique that im not doing anything right, but in time, ive learned, she loves me.

*****

so, whats your word? dapel asked me and vansa after the movie.

sunshine, said vansa.

transforming, i said.

youre always in a state of transforming, vansa said.

yes, yes, i am.  and im so grateful.

whats your word, dapel? she asked.

introvert.

*****
ever since ive said my word, ive had so many opportunities for the word to find me.  ill read something, and the word will appear.

i was perusing this site and found this, and rather than being surprised, i felt grateful that the universe was supporting my word.

and propelling me to go forward with my lifes purpose, whatever that is.

so i embrace whats happening, quietly accepting that there are no coincidences, that manifestation is very define and powerful, and that im fortunate.

but most of all, im very grateful.

*****
im going to volunteer here, as noted in my forty-one by forty-two list.  and when i move, im going to continue here.

i cant wait.

and i cant wait to start a new job.  where it will be?  i dont know, but im sure its going to enhance my life.

free will

huntington gardens, august 2010

the thing about free will is responsibility.

i have been in a spiritual transformation that will effectively affect other parts of my life, for which im grateful.

the dilemma is this:  i dont want to contact the district about a position.  a part of me needs this time to lounge and get to know myself again, all the painful conversations and truths i have to have with myself, all the growing pains and the growing i have to do...

it has been years since i spent time with myself in this way.  i think the last time was when i was in college.  and here i am, with this opportunity to soak in it, to dream, to contemplate, to manifest...i have to embrace this time and not feel guilt or anxiety, based on others projections.

i am me.  i am love.  i am worthy.  i am safe.  i am in the now.

and this is all i have to remember:  that God loves me the way i am, and if i receive His love, there is no fear, there is no doubt...only goodness...only light...only love.

and that is what im hungry for.  and that is what fills me.

*****
i discovered something about myself the other day while contemplating:

i realized that for someone who looks for love in all things, who photographs things she loves, who searches for symbols of love like hearts and hand holding and tender kissing and sweet touch...i realized that i am so afraid to let love in my life.

ill sit with that for awhile, sit with the idea of it, and allow it to flow.

*****
i do not know what will happen with a job, what will happen with love, what will happen with the future.

but this i know:  i will work again, i will love again, and the future will happen eventually without any help from me.

i feel a peace in my heart, and for now, at this moment, i need nothing else.

*****
ive deleted every bit of information for my dark friend, and i feel more light shining in.

its too bad, but there is no other choice, and i have the free will to go with another idea, but i just cant.

its too great for me, and nothing good will come of it.

and when i feel a peace about this as well, a bit of sadness, a bit of what ifs, a bit of maybes, but i acknowledge it and let it go.  kiss it good bye.


namaste.

shanti.

wish

huntington gardens, august 2010

something has been going on with me lately, something that i can only attribute to as a conversion of my life, something that i have not been able to grasp, but something that i feel joyous about.

the past few weeks, from my first day of sf, ive been in a constant state of prayer, deep conversations with God, trying to ask for guidance and strength to live through this pain.  and ive been grateful for this time because i feel ive grown closer to God, and ive gotten to know my core.

its been very strenuous and challenging, both physically, mentally, and especially emotionally.  there were times when i woke up feeling so in need of my 29 year old friend, his friendship, his essence, but knowing that this is how it is to be.  hes amazing, but it can never be anything more than what it was.  and it was great.  im so grateful for the time and the space we shared, and i cant wish for anything other than what we were given.

and it hurt.  very much.  letting it go, following my heart, walking away, not looking back.  and i needed to heal, and not just from him, but from my dtla friend as well.  the ending of these two friendships were the same:  quiet, final, and right.

however, with my 29 yo, i thought that because we prayed together, we would stay together.  not forever, and not in a relationship, but like always, i really wanted a friendship.  i love him.

*****
still no word on a job, but i really dont care.  everything will work out, it always does.

on tuesday, hung out with the crowd from elaoc, and a part of me wants to go back.  it was hell there towards the end, but the devil and his minions are gone, replaced by...

idiots.  i hate to be so judgmental, but from what ive heard, i have to say that yes, idiots would be fitting.

tomorrow, im going to pop by and say hi, and then next week, im going to see about volunteering opportunities at 826la.org because theres a center in sf.

so.  excited.

*****
so, the prayers in my heart are these:  to have an abundance of health, wealth, and joy for my friends and family; to have love in any and all forms in order to share it with those i touch; and to have the Holy Spirit come into my life.

to learn how to live with joy under any circumstances.

to be closer to and to know God, Jesus, and the Blessed Mother.

to be guided and to freely follow, and to exercise free will whenever necessary.

in Jesus' name, i pray.

amen.

processing

alley in sf, ca july 2010

last sunday, shel and i photographed carmelite sisters at their 80th jubilee celebration.  my photo mojo was working that day, and i took some great shots.

tonite, ive been trying to process them, and to be honest, i havent been enjoying it.  my eyes hurt, and perhaps this computer isnt the best for processing.

whatever.  i just want to work a few more hours, and hopefully sleep by two (its 12:45 am now).  lately, my sleep has been sucking.  last night, i woke up at two after having slept for an hour and a half or so, and i stayed up until 4:30, tossing and turning.

ugh.  i hate my insomnia.  but is it insomnia if im truly a night owl?  ive always loved the night, and when i was in college, i couldnt work on my papers or assignments until two in the morning.  i could sleep when the sun is out; in fact, i prefer to, but with my son home, i hate wasting the day.

*****
yesterday, i wrote in my journal that i am giving myself a respite from all things male until next sunday, and the universe and the angels are conspiring to make that happen.

which is great because my willpower sucks sometimes.

however, i havent responded to two emails and a text from three men.  and ive wanted to.

because i really miss my 29 year old friend.  i miss hanging out with him, but i know what keeps me away.  and that is enough.

i wonder how hes doing.  if hes working and working on the project.  if hes baffled about why ive stayed away.  if he thinks of me...

but so what if he thinks of me?  bottom line is that hes 29, and i hate that this fact is great enough to prevent a friendship from forming.

lets be honest, it is a big deal.  im trying to be good, to be careful, to be responsible about this.  not saying that he will fall in love, but i fear we will waste time going back and forth and not allowing others in.

*****
because the truth is that i need to be taken.  really taken, bruised, even, the way my ccfb destroys me.

i loved that about him, the way he was rough and gentle without being sadistic, though i suspect he could be with the right one.

no, i think we talked about it, and he said he couldnt bear to take the lead all the time.

last time we were together, he said, i think its so cute how you like to feel dominant over me, and i let you, but when youve had your fill, i take you and dominate you and make you submissive.

see, i needed that.  i crave someone who knows what i need and will give it to me a bit harder than what i want.

however, i cant go to him anymore for two reasons:  first, hes geographically undesirable.  and second, hes got a really small weenie.  its too bad because he could have been satisfying.

i need to get really really really broken...then healed.

just until work starts up again.

enlightenment

coronado beach, february 2010

i sent him an email last night, and he responded with something profound. he wrote:  one word:  ego.  manage that and you will be okay.  take care, friend.

the take care part cut me deep, but its all good.  i leave it to God because i cannot get my head around this.  and if this has ended, then all i can do is thank God with all my heart for the beauty of praying with this person and for having him help unblock my photo mojo.  and if it is time to let him go, then i will.

i dont want it to be over yet.  i dont want it to be over at all.  because really?  hes right.  my ego got in the way, being so negative about age and about life experiences.  i didnt respect him in the way he should be respected...as a man, not as this kid.

and that was where i erred, and if i had the opportunity to correct it, i would.  if i cant, then lesson learned.

*****
im pretty bored now with not having a job, and my ego is starting to creep in about this now.  im not going to fall for it.

sorry, ego, its not that i dont love you, i just cant have you in my life.  we have had an amazing run, but lets face it, youre no good, youre no good, baby, youre no good.

thank you, though, for checking in and for trying to wiggle yourself into my daily situations.  however, since you serve no positive purpose in my life, it is time to say good bye.

my life is so much better when you are not in it.

summer, part two

san francisco, july 2010

tomorrow, the boy flies in, and the second part of summer will begin.

if i had stayed at poly, i would have started work last week, but im so grateful for the break. 

so.

this month of august, i predict that i will have a job so i could start the second week of september.  i also predict that i will be severing many ties that ive made the first part of this summer, which is all good.

the rest of this year, i plan on trying to knock out some stuff from my forty-one by forty-two list, and im going to take more photography classes because i never ever want to lose my photo mojo that i just got back.

*****
on friday, i observed the 29 year old work, and i have to say, i need to stay away from him.

i love him dearly, but i know me.  i believe hes seeing someone, and oddly, im fine with it.

and.

i dont want to get involved.  which i can easily.  let.  myself.  do.

vansa said to just let it play out, but hell no.  my heart cant take it.

however, i can and will be friends with him so i can help him finish his syllabus (he cannot spell this fucking word).  he will be an amazing teacher, and i know that his heart is in the right place.

and for some reason, there is something pushing me to help him.  angels and God, im sure.

i love the way he gets excited and explains things about his career, and i love how hes so patient when sharing with me.  a part of me wants his job, the part of me that wants to break free from my routine.  its very manual and physical, and i think im ready for it.

but lately, we havent connected, and this is what makes me sad, makes me miss his friendship.  i know, though, that this is up to God, that its Divine timing if we were to hang out.

however, on friday, there was a disconnect, mostly from my part because it takes me awhile to acclimate to him.

we are friends.  i want to keep the friendship part.  the non friendship will not remain.

*****
im ready now to meet someone who i can get in a relationship with.  i want to play out the idea of romance, to feel again, to be touched and comforted, to just be.

and then i wonder how i can fit him in what will be another busy schedule.

i mean, work is going to start, and the boys schedule will be maddening.  i have to continue to take care of myself, to work on meditating and praying and being peace.

i need this.  its a way of life im adopting.

but i also crave the idea of romance, the wonderful exchange of good mornings and good nights and everything in between.  i want the crazy adventures of finding new places to photograph or to hang out in, i want to meet his friends and hang out with them...

i want to be fucked properly by a man who knows how, i want to trust someone and not be disappointed, and i want to get to know someone...and for him to get to know me.

i want to worship with him, to pray with him, to speak about God and Jesus with him.  because after the 29 year old, i need to be with someone who is a practicing catholic.

i say this now, bravely and daringly, because i know i havent met anyone who has fit the bill of what i want.  ive met several men who had something that i can take to the next "relationship", but no one has all the qualities i want.

*****
this afternoon, shel and i captured shots of carmelite sisters and their 80th jubilee celebration.

they inner beauty and peace radiates, and they can laugh heartily and love openly.

that is my goal.