uninspired

street art dtla december 2010

the first week back began with some crappy news.  on monday, my heightened sense of intuition kicked in, and i was right about something, but instead of panicking, i felt the warmth and comfort of the angels telling me that everything would be okay.

tuesday was surreal, flirty, and maro kissed me hard in his office.  since then, hes been blatantly about how he would like to continue it again and constantly reminding me, it was so hot when you bit my bottom lip.

okay, it was pretty surreal.  and when he pulled away, i was pretty fucking dazed.


wednesday was awesome...i got a reading that was point on, and many of my feelings were confirmed.  it felt especially great when she said, you didnt need this reading.  you already know it.  maybe one day, ill go to you for a reading.

nice, right?

thursday.  well, thursday.  met and slept with a sweet boy, who is sad yet hopeful.  theres something about him that felt right, so i went, but it wont continue.

im not ready to write about it yet.

on a sunday afternoon

cloud shop venice beach, ca december 2010

ive decided to use the last free day of my vacation to lounge, an activity that i havent had much opportunity to languish in.

im welcoming this second half of the school year with love and with light, with hopes and with acceptance, with prayers and with laughter...with God in me, with Jesus by my side, with the Holy Spirit infusing wisdom, with the Blessed Mother cradling me and nurturing me, with the angels dancing and protecting me.

i intend to do my best.

i intend to grow deeper into my spirituality, follow the path so clearly and beautifully laid out for me.

and i intend to love, to be a lover, to soar.

in Jesus' name, i pray.

amen.

spiritually infused

huntington gardens san marino, ca august 2010

i had lunch today with my awesome spiritual warrior 2 who im so blessed and grateful to have.  whenever we get together, i feel my mind and my spirit expanding from the knowledge and insight she shares with me.

im so sleepy because last night, or rather, this morning i went to bed at 4 am.  i wish i could say it was because i got some from the bartender, but that would be a lie.

no, to be more accurate would be to say that last night, he sent me a few drunken text messages, making me wonder if what happened the night before made him feel exposed and not too comfortable with me.

my last text to him was, sleep it off, s.

this morning, i got, so are you coming over after i get off work tomorrow night? 

im so turned off by him. he went out with his work friends last night, and the texts started happening around 2 in the morning.

i dont know.  i guess i expected more from him, and while i dont want this to be a one night stand, i dont see how it could be anything else but.

that damn smile haunts me.

*****
what is it i need?  sw2 told me some exercises to help me release what it is i want using a graphic organizer.  i cant wait to try it.

but i want a strong mental connection, i want to be seduced by words again, aroused by the unfolding of a man before me, enchanted by his stories.

and the other night with the bartender reminded me that i need a kiss that will hold me in a space that gets me dizzy, a wonderfully sexy fuck that will fill me for days to come, and to be share a space in a mans bed with awesome bedding.

theres a promise of that with someone with whom ive been corresponding.  hes an aquarian, which is the astrological sign that ive wanted to sleep with.

ive become so superficial...attracted to the bartender because of his name and his occupation.  and now this guy because of his words and his zodiac sign.

nice.

oh, well.

about last night

avocado festival carpinteria, ca october 2010

he is absolutely gorgeous.  beautiful smile, warm eyes.  and that voice...so soothing.  and hes different from what ive had.  hes a mix, and it is mixed perfectly.

he seems shy or just totally calm, and it was so nice.

im glad i went.  im glad i kissed him.  im glad i took him in my mouth.  im glad that when he got up to put on some pajama pants and came back to bed that i got to run my hands over his smooth body and his hair.

im glad that he walked me to my car two hours after i got there.

im glad that he sent me a text after i left and one this morning.

i wish i could say that this would be something that i could carry on, but i cant.

sadly.

its so heartbreaking because i dont want to lose him.  silly, isnt it?  if i didnt want to lose him, then i shouldve worked things out differently.

*****
 s, can i kiss you? i asked.

he smiled, almost surprised at the question, and he said, do you want to?

yes, its all i can think about.

and then that smile again.  shit.  that smile.  and he came closer, and we kissed.  and i wanted it so much to be electrifying...but it was sweet.

so sweet.

and rather dull.  which was heartbreaking.  confusing.  i wanted it so badly, wanted him to be fantastic.

then i heard the words of dbm from earlier:  dont expect too much too soon. 

but why not? why cant i expect the best?

and then i heard her voice again from what she said earlier:  youll just be disappointed.

*****
we kissed, and i found my hands under his shirt...and i heard him take a breath.

and i was encouraged to kiss his chest.

should i take off my sweatshirt?  he asked.

yes, please.  i just dont see a need for all of this fabric.

so, he took off his sweatshirt and kept the shirt on underneath.  and then he looked at me and smiled.  shit.  that smile.  and he closed his eyes as i kissed down.

i felt him hard through his jeans, and i looked at him and smiled.

tell me when to stop, i told him.

okay, i will.

i kissed down his body.  and when i found the area where i wanted to be in, i looked up at him.

is this okay?  can i taste you?  i asked.

yes, its okay.  is it okay for you?

and again that smile. he reached down to unbutton his jeans, but i said, uh, i can do this part.

he laughed.  i grabbed his zipper, and i asked mockingly, so this thing goes up and down, yes?

yes, but this time it should go down.

i laughed, pulled it down, and said, like this?

just like that, yes.

i pulled his pants down a little, exposed his hipbone, and i kissed it.

then i found his cock and took that in my mouth.  it was a nice fit, and he grabbed my hair, and i felt so aroused.

it didnt take long for him to cum all over himself, which surprised me, until he said, i guess its been a long time for me, too.

*****
the night before, we spoke of one night stands.  he said he only had a few, and he solidly defended it.  and he was hesitant to tell me how many lovers hes had.  i think its because the number is low.

and so, when he asked if i had one night stands, i didnt lie, but i wasnt forthcoming with the information.  and i didnt answer when he asked how many lovers ive had.

i merely stated, who cares about numbers?  we only remember the last ones weve been with anyway.

*****
can we move to the bed? i asked.

he lied down and i next to him, and he said, there goes willpower.

i said, you were supposed to be the one who kept us straight.  you were supposed to say no.  

i have the text, i think, where you told me you didnt want me to tell you to stop.

and im glad i didnt.

i took him again in my mouth, and he tasted so good, felt so good.  he held my hair in his hands, and he kept saying, fuck as he rose up to meet my mouth.

and again, he came, slowly, throbbing in my mouth, saying, youre so good.  god.  so good.

he went to the bathroom, and when he came back, he put on his pajama pants and flopped on the bed next to me, faced down.

i rubbed his back, his hair, his face.  he was tired, i can tell, having gone to disneyland earlier.

and then i started feeling that uncomfortableness when ive been next to someone without saying a word.  ive identified this feeling to be intimacy...or my definition of it.
*****
i knew exactly what i was doing, and i knew the consequences.  this guy is so beautiful, and i love how calm his energy is, and i totally had a crush on him, but...

but.

he was a bit shy, and sitting there in silence was a bit too intimate for me, so i wanted to shake it up with action.  i could feel him looking at me, and he said, you dont look 41.

and i know i dont, but he doesnt look 40.

i thought we had a connection, and i wanted there to be chemistry.

but sadly, none.

*****
id better go, i said as i was rubbing his back and his hair and heard his breathing become steady.

yes, let me walk you to your car.

and he put on his clothes, and we walked a block to my car.

i jumped in after i hugged him, and on the way home, i got this:  safe drive home.  tonite was fun.

i wrote back:  i love your taste.  youre awesome, s.

*****
i dont mean to be selfish, and in fact, with him, i was giving.  i hope to see him again, but i dont have any hope for that.

i need a mental connection, something that stimulates my intellect, that will lead to amazing sex.

i had that with w.  and with the 29 yr old, with the argentinian.

and the writer who doesnt answer my texts.

just as well.

the bartender was fun, and i send only good energy to him.

release

venice beach, ca december 2010

whenever i feel the need to heal, i go off to the ocean.  theres something about the smells, the sounds, the feel, and the sunset that restores me to a peaceful calm.

but there some a time when i need to retry my heart muscles again, to go out and meet someone new, to take a risk of being heartbroken and disappointed again.

and the time is now.  im going to meet up with an awesome, fun, sweet man, and there might be kissing going on...or there might not be.  whatever.  i like him, and thats all there is to it.

i love his name and his occupation, and i blatantly declared that to him.  we have this chemistry thats refreshing because its been so long, and i love the banter and wit that we each share.

so, im off now with no expectations other than getting to know someone awesome and maybe getting a kiss or something.

i actually went out with someone a few weeks ago...and it bombed.  but its all good.

oh, and the argentinian?  yeah, he wants to hang out again.  and ill fool around with him again...if its in the cards.

releasing negative energies of the past and welcoming new and positive energies of tonite...im off.

an open letter

cloud store venice beach, ca dec 2010

dear year 2011,

welcome!  i love this time of the year, when the whole world is given permission to paint another design on their life's canvas if they wanted.  i so enjoy the freshness and newness of the first few days in january.  the feeling of hope and excitement permeate my waking and sleeping moments.

and so, 2011, id like to say a few words about 2010.  it has been my most favorite year so far.  if you need a reason, ill boil it down to a simple word:  transformation.

if youre familiar with any movies where the main character transforms into an animal or a machine (im thinking of this movie and this one), then you would know that theres some pain that must be had.  its actually an excruciating process, one that ive gone through, one for which i will always be grateful.

you see, God took some people away from my life...people who have served their purpose and moved on.  of course, if God didnt step in, i wouldnt have gone through the cathartic pain.  and i would never have grown.  i would never have transformed.

my 2010 saw so many good changes, but lets be honest, changes are pretty scary.  however, for me?  theyre exciting and welcomed.  and i know i manifest these changes, though it takes awhile to implement...or perhaps, everything happens in perfect, Divine timing.

allow me to recap my 2010.

in january...
i knew i had to release a relationship that was so disgustingly undeserving of me and all the goodness i possess, along with a friendship that was so toxic that i was becoming poisoned.  did i do anything about it?  no.  i wanted to believe that i could salvage those two from the hellish life they created for themselves.  and so i chose to turn a blind eye, but Gods will was different.

in february...
i turned 41, and i felt great.  i love being in my 40s, love feeling secure and accepting myself.  its liberating.  my amazing spiritual warrior also introduced me to the world of healing with the angels and i will be eternally grateful for their presence in my life.

i discovered this amazing, peaceful sanctuary the weekend before my birthday, where i wrote that the relationship that had made me more unhappy than happy was over.  i had a deep intuition that something was wrong, and when God said enough, i lost 400 lbs.  it hurt, it shocked my system, i wasnt sleeping and eating, and in reflection, i believe i was going through a detoxification.  in a word, i was transforming.  it was a painful process, but also cathartic and releasing, and it brought me closer to my Heavenly Father.  and if i have to go through that again to receive the blessings ive received, then i will.

my son turned 17 the day after i found out about this betrayal.  at the weeks end, we spent a few days in san diego, the city i go to to heal from a broken heart.  and i saw the red haired boy for lunch, and it was fun.

i also hung out with a man who served as a booty call three times the whole year.  he was not well endowed, but he left bruises on me.  he was fun, and he helped me forget about the shit for brains tatty.

in march...
i hung out with a fascinating man who has been the best kisser ever.  hes actually trying to flirt with me right now through texts, but hes too macho to admit it.  which is fine.  i intend to eventually sleep with him, a fitting next step to whatever it is this is.  however, i believe the man has some issues to deal with it, and im grateful he chooses to go at it alone instead of dragging me with him.

in april...
i met a truly sweet man who had an addiction to drinking and vaporizing, both pleasure which he shared with me and in which i partook willingly.  he wasnt the best looking one ive slept with, but there was something so comfortable about him.

he wasnt the one, i knew that immediately.  however, i really enjoyed how he would greet me with a good morning, maria before he went to work.  he was patient and sharing, and he was protective and generous.  we hung out at this awesome little spot he discovered when he went with his friends.

on friday nights, after we smoked out and talked then headed over to the bar where we were the only customers sometimes.  the bartender flirted with me, and my friend got a bit jealous and overprotective.  kind of cute, kind of annoying, kind of endearing, kind of lovely.

we played speed, we fucked, we were two people who genuinely enjoyed each other.  we made plans to watch dodger games and to go on one of his long walks.

in may...
the fun continued, and for mothers day, he gave me a sweet gift of his oral skills.  this man was perhaps the most well endowed of my lovers, but as far as cunnilingus went?  he was okay.  i think he was disappointed that i didnt rave about it, but i did appreciate the efforts.

oh, and he took me on one of his walks.  i told him i needed to get a portfolio together, and i need some street photography.  i believe this was the beginning of the end when he assumed id be moving to sf.  so, he let me go slowly...painfully slow...and i hated it.

there was also a revelation by two coworkers that they had a crush on me.  one was a married man with four kids...the other was a 21 year old lesbian.  needless to say, those crushes were one sided and pointless.

in june...
the cord between me and my friend was finally cut, and i had to accept it.  i needed to accept it because i do not believe in chasing someone who doesnt want me.  i did it before, and it did nothing for my self esteem, but i do admire people who know what they want and go after it no matter what.  but the ending of that led to a beginning of another.

at the end of the month, i got booted by the fatman from the hell hole i was placed in by the Almighty.  tears were shed by me and my friends, but my tears were one of relief and happiness.  i was feeling stale there, and my energy was so negative.

my spiritual warrior, cricu, went to a weeklong seminar to learn to be an angel therapist.  and while there, this woman cut my cords and made me feel lighter and less burdened.

at the end of the month, i met a 29 year old that to this day still makes me ache for his energy.  this guy went through a spiritual transformation, and i love that he went through that.  i love that he went through that because it made him closer to his image of a Divine Being.

i slept with him that night, and while it wasnt mindblowing, it was reminded me of the differences between men with experience and boys who were getting their experience.  experience, by the way, does not equal numbers, but what you learn from the numbers.

in july...
i smoked for the last time on fourth of july because i got ill from whatever i inhaled.  i hung out with the 29 yr old, and what took me was his story, what he chose to share with me.  he told me of his trip to new mexico, where he had some epiphany one night while he was looking up at the stars.

he told me that he felt abandoned by everyone because he was, and from that lowest point, he rose up.  rebuilt his life.  learned what he needed to learn.  got to know himself...and in turn, got to know God.

we talked of our fathers, he never knew his, and i wrote him a beautiful note:  its funny, a, your heart has the shape of the father you never knew...mine has the shape of the father i wish i had.  i gave him a framed photo of some rocks i took, and he was so grateful.

he and i were working on getting a syllabus together;  i threw in the technical terms, he provided the technicality.  we took the train once to olvera street and walked into some underground celebration of a grassroots movement.  went back to his place.

another time, he and i photographed some street art in dtla, prayed before we grabbed the cameras and tripod.  he told me he wanted to be director of photography and that he wanted to buy a camera.  stayed out til 3 am.  the next day, i went back to show him the pics.  he chose the images that he liked, and i developed them, framed them with cheap frames from ikea, but he thought they were expensive.

he loved the pictures, said that his house could be his own personal art gallery, and he asked if i could stay a night longer so we could photograph more, but i told him i needed to get up to sf.  when he asked me why i was going, i said, i need inspiration.

im your inspiration, he said.  i smiled.  he was so sincere.

that night, when i left, i gave him a hug, and i blurted out, i love you.

i left for sf the next day, and i missed him so much.  but i learned something on that trip.  i learned to have conversations with God and angels.  i was in a constant state of prayer, in a steady state of loving God and Jesus and the Blessed Mother.  i was hurting, but mercifully, it was then that i began to heal.

i walked around sf, different this time, feeling familiar, not needing to escape, but desperately hoping to belong to the city.  i was comfortable there, not hesitant or assaulted by the city sounds and bustle.  yet, the 29 yr old was in my heart, and so i asked God to take him away from me if he was no good.

when i returned to la, i didnt call him, and he didnt call me, our communication while apart dwindled down to one phone call, a few texts, and some emails.  it was by my design that we drifted apart, or it was God's will, but it didnt matter.

in august...
a few days after i returned, he called me and asked me if i wanted to watch him work.  i was fascinated by his knowledge, but even more by the patience he had in explaining meticulously the function of each wire or light bulb.  that was the last time i saw him.

i used the rest of the month to heal from a broken heart.  i deleted his emails, his email handle, his cell number...it was as if he didnt exist.  it worked, it was a catalyst to forgetting about him.

the summer heat left me lazy, the trip left me needing to save, so i stayed home a lot until my son came home from his fathers.  i loved it.  i also began to prepare myself mentally for newness:  new job, new friends, new grade level.  i continued to pray, continued to speak to angels, continued to get to know myself.

i finally found out the school where i was going to be...middle school.  i believe this is the first time that i consciously surrendered to God's will.

in septemeber...
i went to my new school.  immediately, i felt welcomed.  and grateful.  i hated programming, but i was getting help.  im the new girl, so people looked at me with fascination, like an alien.

i struggled the first few days, struggled with the next few weeks, and i asked God if He placed me in the right place.  and i learned this:  to let go and let God.  i knew i had to, but i learned how to, and it was amazing.

in october...
it was heartbreak after heartbreak...the stories of these kids broke me.  i was emotionally fatigued with my dual role of counselor and dean.  i was stressed by the pressures of doing it right and doing it right now.

and my son?  suffered a concussion from a game.  i met up with him in the er, and he had dried blood and a hole where the cleats of the other player entered through his face guard.  he didnt know who i was, didnt know who his father was.  this memory lapse lasted some minutes, 45 or so, but by the time he left the er, he was back to his old self.

a week later, he had a seizure, after a loud and scary fight, so we went to the er.  we waited for about five hours to be seen, then we were given a freezing room...so cold that i asked for five heated blankets and layered them over me.  after five vials of blood and a cup of urine and an mri, we left the hospital nine hours after we arrived.

for a few weeks, he was wobbly and off, but thank God, he is better.

oh, and the 200 lb loser texted me to tell me that he and the fatty bitch broke up.  like i gave a craps ass.

in november...
time flew.  i forgot everything because i lived for the week off for thanksgiving.  i was on autopilot from nov 1st through nov 19th because nov 21st, my son and i took off for sf.

we drove up and saw some amazing views in the sky, rainbows, tremendously beautiful clouds, and we knew we were guided and our trip blessed by God.  we spoke of God and of our beliefs, of how much He loves us, and how we must live our lives to be of service.

we spoke of colleges, and my son admitted that he did not want to go to school in the bay area, but he encouraged me to move up there.  i was once again going to my city with a broken heart, this time, courtesy of my son.

when we arrived, we were so cold and tired, so we had dinner and rested for our adventure the next day.  we took the bart to powell street, cut through chinatown where he bought his friends christmas presents, to get to north beach to have lunch.

after lunch, we walked towards the pier, and he said, this is your city.

we hung out, walked around, i took pictures, and we took the bart back to the hotel.  the next day, we hung out in berkeley, and he firmly stated, this is not where i belong.  again, i learned to let go, and let God.

on the way back home, we went to one of my favorite missions.  it was closed for the thanksgiving weekend, so i took him around the city, all two blocks of it, and spent ten hours on the road.

thanksgiving was also my grandmothers birthday, and i took pictures of my family to put them into a book for their christmas presents.

in december...
madness.  rushing.  saw the red haired boy on a day where i was gone from 645 am until 130 am.  i was exhausted.  but it was worth it.  work was amazing, and i was so blessed and grateful that i had coworkers who thought of me as their friend and gave me some good presents.

christmas day, i gave the gifts to my family, and the book was a hit.  they were so grateful and happy, which made me grateful and happy.

and then, 2011, you came.

so.  i chose a word in honor of you, 2011, and that word is intend.

i intend to have balance in my life, in all aspects especially with work and play, with love and with sex, with yoga and photography, with family and friends.  i intend to have a beautifully, delicately balanced life this year, and to learn from it to apply for the upcoming years of my life.

oh, and i intend to get to know my angels and to continuing being in a state of prayer.  i believe the relationship i have with my Heavenly Father has evolved and grown stronger, and now, i also want that with my relationships with Jesus, the Blessed Mother, and the Holy Spirit.

i intend to know myself as an artist, as a mother, as a friend, as a lover.  i intend to love myself more than i loved myself yesterday by way of accepting who i am and by being gentle with myself when my ego gets in the way.

i intend to meditate and to live.

i also intend to kiss more, to love more, to play more.  i intend to welcome and to surrender to all that is available to me.

i intend to continue to transform and to evolve.

i intend to be.

love,
m.