mind blowing

i was putting clothes in the dryer today when a thought came to my head:  i need this sunday routine.

because really?  when my weeks are crazy, and when my creative juices havent flowed for some time now, i need something that i can settle myself into.

and if its laundry, then ill take it.

*****
friday the 23rd was officially the first night we were supposed to have hung out, but it didnt turn out that way.  i got to his place, and like always we started talking.

its a good thing, too, because i love the friendship part.

i like his place, a bit sparse, but thats because hes such a guys guy.  hes simple, only has what he needs.  i dont think he likes clutter, and i love that.

but i loved w's loft, the way he decorated it is like its from a magazine.  w is more of a metrosexual, and i loved that he played soccer.  that was so sexy about him.

m doesnt play a sport, but he watches a hell lot of it.  whenever i walk in, its always a baseball game or the basketball playoffs, and i love it.

on friday, we finally fucked for the first time, and im so glad we waited.  we were vaping, then we played speed which was so fun...he said to me later, i think we made more noise when we were playing than when we had sex.

i think hes right.

*****
last night, i went there again after watching this amazing movie with dapel.

we talked for a long time on his balcony, looking at the buildings, smoking, and when it got cold, we went inside.

i hate the lights in his kitchen, and i always ask him to turn them off.  last night, when he turned them off, we stood in the living room, being lit by the city lights.

we were hugging and gently swaying, and his hands reached under my tank top.

ive missed the sense of touch against my skin.  when the argentinian slipped his hands under my tank the way m did, it drove me crazy.

id have to say its my favorite sense, but all the senses are actually very sexy to me.

so, when i felt m's touch on my back and slowly moved to my breast, i gasped.  it was so slow, so sweet, as if time stood still.

he lifted up my shirt over my head, and i took off his shirt, and clothes came off until we got into his bed.

he moved me to sit on his cock.  i came a few times this way, until i dismounted and laid on my stomach.

he bent my leg and made way for his cock to enter me.  this position, where he can spank me and hold me down, has been my favorite so far.

after, around midnight, we walked the streets looking for a place to eat.  we ended up at ihop a few blocks from his place, but it took us an hour to get there because we couldnt decided where to go.

the night is sexy and gorgeous, and i love it.

*****
going to spend ten days in sf in july.

have to look for a neighborhood to hang out in, and im not driving anywhere.

its going to be expensive, but so worth it.

cant wait.

i need to to do this alone, and when i come back, if m and i are still hanging out, then im sure we will make up for lost time.

confession

you should know that i am not one and have never been from the longterm relationship model.

i wish i were.  i wanted to be, once upon a time.  but as i sit here, i cant even remember if there was ever one person i wanted to marry.

i know me.  i know how i am when im in a new situation, especially in the beginning.

this is the time, friends, where i find every excuse to not be smitten.  today, when i was talking to anapi, i told her how i was feeling.

im not feeling it anymore, i said.

oh, no, what happened?

nothing.  hes still a sweet guy, but im just not feeling it.

did you discover something about him?

no, not at all.  i just dont like him.

why?

no reason.  except im not cut out for this shit.


*****
and im not.  this is something ive made peace with a long time ago, during the times i would carve a self-imposed exile to a male free space.

i dont want to be celibate again, not for awhile, because i think i have to erase the memories of bad sex with the 200 lb loser.

m, the booty call, was great, but he was on the lower end of the size spectrum.  the two sessions we had were great, only when he was handling me roughly or making me laugh.  he said i was a great kisser and suggested that i give lessons, but i didnt think his kisses moved me.

and this math guy, well, i was smitten.  im not even sure whats up, and maybe nothing is up, which is fine.  sometimes, i feel that its me and the thoughts i create that go into action.  i hate that about me.  i hate that im disconnected sometimes, or worse...i want to run away because i feel too connected.

too connected?  how can that be a bad thing, unless it leads to codependency?

*****
i saw the math guy at work yesterday, and it was a bit odd and awkward.

i was on my way to see mayis, he was coming out, and we both stopped.  i went to him, and i felt his cheeks next to mine.  we stayed in this position for a few eternal seconds, and i asked him, what did you say?  did you say you wanted me?

yes, i do.  you know that i do.

and i panicked.  i walked away to talk to a few kids before going in to say mayis.

it was too intimate, the way he stood there so close to me, and for a few seconds, i forgot where we were.  and i dont want this to happen again, to feel so intimate with someone i work with.

this thing between us has been going on for too long a time now, and it must stop.  or else someone is going to end up a bit bruised.  hint:  it wont be me.

*****
so, my math guy, the one i thought was crushing on me really isnt.

hes a good person, and he deserves to be with someone.

i mean, someone great.

i dont even know if we will still hang out on friday, but if we do, strictly friends.

friends only.

friends who kiss.

sweetness

you should know that i am smitten.

he worked me well, his patience and his friendship has won me over in a way that feels safe and oh-so-sweet.

hes at a lakers playoff game tonite, and he sent me a picture of the action.  i love that he thinks of me.

*****
i made him wait for me on thursday.  i was lagging it, and when i finally got there, it was past nine.  he was a great host...set up the vape for me and for him, and we smoked and just lounged.

he has a telescope that he took out on the balcony, and we looked out to hollywood, the observatory, and other places in downtown la.

what i love most is the friendship. we can talk for hours, and it feels so natural.

and he says my name, as in, oh, m.  oh, m. 

he says it when my mouth is on him, when we are kissing, when he is in me.

but of course, the intimacy that night was too much for me to bear, so i was distant.  i needed to regroup and recoup, so i got space.

on saturday night, we hung out again.  he massaged my hand while he told me of his childhood.

we vaped and laughed at snl.  the laughing is important to me.

its so easy, so simple, so sweet.

hes an amazing person, and when he took me to his bed and i slept in his arms, i felt safe.

this is the first time in three years, since i was with w, that i felt right in a mans bed and loving being held.

im not usually into cuddling, and i told him that, and i told him that i didnt spend the night, and yet i did.

i wanted to.  i loved being there, feeling comfortable, feeling so wanted.

the friendship is wonderful.  i hope to hold on to it for awhile.

thoughts

i watched a great movie yesterday afternoon when i got home from a long morning.  i had just come home to sample some of the goods i purchased, and i popped in the movie for a bit of lounging.

my son was upstairs in his room, and i was downstairs in the living room with twelve feet high cathedral ceilings separating us.

the movie had two great actors who i love so much and enjoy in anything they offer.  and of course, the leading lady was convincing and lovely, and the whole tale was about infidelity.

it was beautifully done so that at the end, there was no bad guy.  or bad girl.

but it got me thinking about marriage and infidelity and boredom and the need for variety.

dbm asked me the other day, you seem to have a need for variety, dont you?

yes.  i guess i do.  but not variety because im a whore, but variety because i get bored.

im not a good candidate for longterm relationships or marriage.  i know this, ive accepted this.  ive tried hard to be something other than this, but ive failed miserably.

the 200 lb loser showed me what could happen when im not true to myself.  i convinced myself that i was happy or as happy as i was going to get.  i stayed for reasons that are incomprehensible and reprehensible, reasons that were solely my own and not his.

i was doing it for me, not for him, and i really would have stayed, but i made a deal with myself that i would have great sex with another, even if i would have interminable guilt.

and i would have an affair, be very discrete, and stay with that loser.

but the more i thought of it, the more i didnt want to have an affair anymore.

i cant do it.

anymore.

but honestly?  i was kind of cheating with my cl boys.

there is m, who i slept with.

there is cellguy who i believe i will eventually sleep with.  i have to.  his daily flirtatious, salacious emails are too good to pass him up.

there was j, who i really enjoyed and miss still, but i deleted all his information.

there was r, who would have been the first asian i would have been with.

they were the ones who held the most impact, even though i know im remiss in not mentioning others.

*****
if i were to get married ever, i know that i would be faithful to my husband.

anyone who can capture me and get me to say yes, im going to be with forever.  and maybe ill be ready for that in a later time, but for now?

right now, im pretty happy with the single status.  im communicating right now with a cool ass math teacher who i totally like.  no pressure, which i absolutely love.

i wish i had a bc who was closer than m who lives about 40 minutes away.  that kind of keeps me from pursuing something more often, and besides hes not like that.

so, this math teacher lives in a loft in dtla and seems supercool...but.

but you know.

i like to keep it simple.  hes not.  not complicated either, but not simple.

whatever.

i want a bc.  a great one.  someone who lives closer.  someone fun.  clean.  happy.  not demanding.  patient.  sexy as hell.  has a european accent.  is available when i am.  isnt in a relationship.  doesnt want to share.  knows how to kiss my soul.  is adventurous as much as im adventurous.  likes to hang out at bookstores, cafes, museums, art walks, the beach, lake shrine, dtla.  will let go when its time.  but until then will respect and honor what we have.  and perhaps grow from it as much as i will.

is that too much to ask?

*****
the rain is falling.  it was supposed to come earlier, but it barely got here about half an hour ago.

im not sleepy, but if i dont get to bed, ill pay for it tomorrow.

im so not looking forward to work, but tuesday is a furlough afternoon.

i want to hang and sleep and read and think.

i just want to sit and think.

thinking is good for my soul.

taking a break 

from all things with a penis...or just the ones who are very energy draining.  which is, come to think of it, the last ten ive met.

yikes.

okay, so i need to give myself two weeks.  ive got to figure out what i want.

what do i want?

*****
went to icf meeting today and became a member.  this is one funtastic group, fun being the operative syllable.

i think im going to be even more busy, and they were so welcoming today.  they were awesome as a group, and itll be fun.

*****
still anxious about next year.

need some light to guide me.

home on a saturday night 

its been so long since i was home on a saturday, and tonite, it was a choice.  im busy with a social life more so now than i had been in so many months.

partly, its because im without a 200 lb loser, and partly, its because im catching up with my friends.

speaking of friends, today, i hung out with two very dear lovelies.

vansa and i hiked up this crazy ass mountain in highland park, and i have to admit that i stopped so many times because the incline was high.  it was a gorgeous day, and she took me up and around, and at the very top was a man-made pond, and i loved it.

we lunched at this cool little place where the fatty bitch and i would hang out sometimes, across from the starfucks where her current 200 lb loser and i used to hang, and down the street from my art place.

i was a bit nervous that i would run into her until vansa said, she hangs out here? 

i had forgotten that the fatty bitch will drive to the area bc its only a three mile radius from her cave, which is a long trek for her.  she and her fatty bitch twin will drive only so far before it becomes too far.  unadventurous fucktards.  i digress.

after, my gay exhusband who ive missed so much and i got med licenses for six months.  so, we hung out for a little while at a cool little place in eagle cock to smoke in the lounge.  i love this man, and i miss so much hanging out with him on a daily basis when we used to work together.  we had so much fun then, even though we were both hating certain things about the school.

we had lunch everyday, sharing what my mom cooked the night before.  we had code names for people we liked and those we didnt.  we went to happy hours, we went to parties, we had such a great time.

i went with him to his fathers funeral, held his hands while his own family made him feel like an outsider because they had some falling out years earlier having to do with his partner. and by his family, i mean his sister and mother, but his aunts and uncles loved him.

we have gone through so much, and today i told him i was leaving for san francisco in a year.  he was supportive, but a little sad, and then he perked up when i said he had to visit me.

my friend got sad, too, on thursday night when i mentioned sf again.  and my anxiety of leaving heightened.

i love my friends.  now, i finally have a core group of pals that i can go to whenever i need something.  maybe its the choices ive made...or maybe its me, but im having fun now.

next week is another art walk, this time it will be here.  the exbf and i went about eight years ago, and thats when my love for arts grew, my love for lofts began, and my love for the exbf started to wane.

*****
im still deeply in love with pj, and this is my second favorite of their songs.   i love eddie vedder because his voice is so fucking beautiful and conveys hurt so deeply.

it reminds me of r2, a little dirty ass boy who introduced me to the streets of la, buying pot from the little lady at the corner cooking tacos, and feeling dirty after being with him but not knowing how to escape it.

that was a dark point in my life.  i was running around, drinking, smoking, fucking around with guys to try to replace the boys father, doing stupid things at work, neglecting my beautiful child...just awful.

dont get me wrong, i needed that life.  at the time, it was all i knew to keep me from dying from the realization that the boys father and i were truly over.

i was high risk, cared for nothing except the hole in my heart, loved nothing except the darkness.  i believe this was the point where i became a fan of meaningful overnight relationships.

things were bad then, and i thank God for what i went through.  i appreciate my life, my child, my role as a mother, my daily blessings.

and im here now, questioning what will happen next year, not trusting what i have been learning and what i have been told.

i have to think about what i want to do, how im going to do it, and just fucking finally do it.

done.

deeply in love

with eddie vedder. still after all these years.  im in love with this sweet song, and while ive been a fan since they came into the scene, its been lately, that i find the sober eddie much more sexier than the wild eddie.

*****
speaking of which, yesterday, i hung out with mayis and my friend at the art walk.  my friend and i were having drinks (a stella for me, a vodka tonic - again - for him) and talking about metaphysical stuff, when the conversation was cut short because mayis walked up to join us.

really?  hes been so awesome.  of course, he still has his social anxiety, and of course, he reminded me about it a couple of times last night, but i had fun with him.

i messaged him:  im so glad our friendship survived. i love your social anxiety disordered ass, friend.


he wrote back:  im glad, too.  we can be ourselves with each other which is nice.  love u.

earlier in the day, he called me a lil bitch, and i asked him if he was flirting with me.  we both laughed it off.

see, this new person is different from the person he was before.  i almost ended the friendship, he almost ended the friendship, but we have a deep connection, more for him than for me.  i know he thinks im cool and shit, but we have earned this space where we are now.

so, last night, as we left the restaurant, he rubbed my back, and i freaked out.  you have to understand, our friendship has always been very platonic and non touchy.  i have been told that there was a strong sexual tension between us, and i have to wonder why we had never crossed the line.

its because really?  no attraction on my part.  hes fucking hott, yes, but his personality?  well, thats one thing i cannot fully accept in a lover.  trust me, we are much better friends.  and i have to make sure he knows that.

*****
had sangria and apetizers with igra today, and i love this guy so much, too.  we just somehow have a wonderful connection.

he said to me, you are living life.

and i know what he means.  i know that he looks at my life, and i am out there, experiencing, loving, feelign good.

more tomorrow.

i smoked some herbs elaro gave me, and i need to let it go through my system.

someone old / someone new and present /future

well, i finally heard from the argentinian, and it was nice and well, but its better left alone.  so, it shall remain that way.

which is the better choice at this point.

because i find that im just not in a space anymore where i will hold on to things longer than necessary.  and this?  its unnecessary.

theres an interesting person who i might meet on saturday.  he lives in dtla in a loft, a math teacher, doesnt speak spanish, but oh, well.

ive figured out what it was about the argentinian that made me want him so.  and it had nothing to do with him.  it was, like always, all about me.

*****
lately, ive been having extreme anxiety about my life, namely what ill be doing when my son goes to college.

its only in a year and a half, and im planning on taking off as well.

except i dont know where i want to go.

theres a part of me that wants to travel to italy, mostly to rome, venice, and padua.  this would take place for fifteen days.

another part of me wants to take off here in the states, go up the coast to seattle and back.  this would take place for ten days.

and yet, theres a part of me that wants to find my way to guanajuato or a coastal town in mexico, live there for a few months without disruption or interruption where i can write, photograph, play, learn, have an adventure.

i want this.  all of those plans are great and attainable.  i can even do it without much thought.  i mean, if i stay at poly, ill have six weeks off in the summer, so we can go up the coast, and in the winter, ill have time off also.

italy will be when the boy graduates, so i can check that off.

i have to save.  no more frivolous shit.

saving.

needs / wants

im exhausted.  not physically, but emotionally, and this is when i have to give up and just decompress.

its not just work, thats too easy to always blame.

its everything else from spirituality to a need for escape to a massage for the soul to a deep, soulful kiss.

i run around this town going from place to place, when all i want to do is cocoon in my sanctuary and write and read and edit pictures (although fucking cs3 doesnt want to install on this computer) and watch movies and prepare for moving.

ive got too much going on, hanging out almost every night, but on friday, when i get home from hanging out with igra around 7, im going to just get into bed until yoga on saturday.

i need to.  the last three weeks, ive been up way too late having conversations with a man, or hanging out with him around this city, or getting coffee with friends, or going to art shows.

like tomorrow, im going to hang out with elaro, thursday is the art walk, friday is time with igra.  saturday and sunday are free for now, but i wonder if im going to hang out with someone at huntington gardens or even more delicious would be to hang out with a new friend in his loft in dtla.

yeah.  dont want to discuss that yet. so, lets move on.

elaro bought a harley, and for a second, i wanted one, too, but i decided that id rather save money for the move to sf.

im scared.  im wondering is it will be a good idea to leave a stable job with a kid starting college.  but i know that staying will cripple me, so ill take my chances and leave.

i dont want to.  believe me.  i wish i loved la, i wish i wanted to stay, but sadly, i dont.  i cant stomach any more years here, and im ready to go.

dbm suggested pismo beach as a destination place.  im going to check it out and stay for a  few nights during memorial day weekend.

i also need to get some.

damn, i need to get some.

ennui

its getting stronger everyday, and i feel it more so in the mornings on my way to my box where i spend hours trying to motivate kids and give hope and lend an ear and provide an entertainment.

today, im tired.  beat down, and i need a nap.

its the energy, the vibe i get from parents who act like their kid can do no wrong...or worse, the kid is a fucking manipulative demon, and i hate it.

im not normally duped, or maybe i am because i dont always have my feelers up, but this kid, this little shit who has explicitly stated he cares nothing for no one, not even his parents.  he throws tantrums and has gotten violent, and all i see is this kid who is hurting.

but im done.

i dont want to give up, but today, im giving myself permission to just be done.

*****
a conversation today with the 21 year old who just massages my ego:

me:  so, youre coming after lunch to install photoshop on my computer, yes?

him: yes. you were the one thats been texting me, right?

me: been texting you? i sent you two texts.

him: well, i meant that you havent been sending me enough texts.

me: ill have to do something about that, then.

him: you should.

but really? i dont want to. i dont have the push or the pull to deal with crap...

im not going to play with little kids anymore.

im done.

*****
thats been my general feeling lately about most aspects of my life.

i have fantasies of closing up the house, of sending the boy to his father, and of leaving la.

no looking back, just driving forward.

destination unknown.

and thats alright by me.

three hours

i had such a great time last night at mopla, and my friend was freaking awesome.

he told me of wonder woman - thats how he referred to her, though i know nothing about her being a wonder or a woman - and how she had ended it last week.

how come every time we get together, youre ending a relationship? i asked.

its purely coincidental.  the timing, you know?

bullshit.  the only time we hang is when youre ending it.

nah.  hey, so.  stay away from argentinians, okay? we are fucked up.

yes, i know.   i am.  dont worry.  but damn, was he a great kisser.  and i love that he tickled my intellectual curiousity.  talked about film.  and his accent.

youre so easy.

and he is a photographer.

you like all that shit, dont you?

yes, i do, man.  its so sexy.  im telling you, im so drawn to artists.

easy.

no way.  not anymore.  but youre right.  im going to stay away from argentinians.  he isnt even attracted to me, so its all good.

im sure he is.

nope.  i dont think so.  he pushes me away when i kiss him.

theres got to be something wrong with him.

no, hes a very intelligent man, so i think he senses that im trouble or something.  look, its fine.  it was nice while it lasted.  maybe i just needed a taste of another culture.  i dont need a whole meal.  besides, when im with him, i lack sleep, and i love my sleep.

sleep is overrated.

shut up, fucker.  thats why you got dumped...because youd rather sleep than fuck.

*****
he was so touchy feely, and i thought a couple of times he was going to fucking get too close, so i backed away.

our friendship has always been very platonic, especially because in the beginning, he was married.

we hung out for one of my birthdays from four in the afternoon to one in the morning, and i was left with blue balls because i thought for sure there was something there.  but there was nothing.

he told me last night that he was seeing a therapist.  i told him i was, too, and he seemed surprised.  his therapist was into art therapy and meditation and all kinds of shit, and i told him he was different, more relaxed.

he was leaning into me and being very affectionate, but the old him was still there, and thats what brings me back to a place of distance.

we are just friends, and i dont have the energy to get involved.

there was a point last night after a few vodka tonics where it could have gone a different direction, so i walked out of the gallery, and i asked myself, is he worth it?

and unfortunately, he isnt.

*****
its another argentinian thats been on my mind, the one with the beautiful kiss who i can talk to for hours without knowing what we talk about, the one who i feel a chemistry with.

hes the one that is gone, the one that i wish was with me last night, the one i wish was longer than a few weeks.

but i know now not to ask why, but to just accept.

its too bad.  but thats just the way it is.

accept.

rejoice

and be glad...

happy easter!  there is this feeling of rebirth, and i love it.

stalling

supposed to be getting ready to head out for mopla at the bergamot station, but im feeling lazy.

my friend said he wanted to go, but until i actually see him there, ill pretend hes not going.

it was a good idea when i first got shels email about it, but when i plan way ahead, i have a tendency to change my mind.  lately, this has been my pattern, but its all good.  im still going to go.

it would be a perfect night to stay home and work on some pictures because i want to upload for my project 365, but i made this into a deal with my friends, so i have to go.

life has been so relaxed lately, and this morning, i got the best massage.  shes my new favorite therapist, so im going to start going to her.

work?  stable.  oh, yesterday, i asked this cute little teacher intern to take my place for the water balloon toss, and we ended up being partners.  hes so cute, so young, and so lost.  love it.

but i miss this fucking argentinian, and until hes out of my system, im flying solo.

im not cut out for ltr.

the need for sleep

i wish i were on my way home right now, but as it stands, ill be here at work until 7 for parent conference.

i wouldnt care any other night, but the thing is...i havent slept fitfully since friday night.  because saturday?  i was a slut.

*****
it all started with flirty texting with m.  he had just gotten back from new york, and he mentioned he needed to work out and lose weight.

i encouraged it, and he said, id rather be sticking it to you than going on the treadmill.

and so, we made a plan for me to go to him on a saturday afternoon.

when i got there, there was no talking this time.  he stood in front of me and grabbed me for a deep kiss.

a few minutes later, he was on top of me, holding me down hard and then being gentle.

he marked me when his thumb pressed down on the bottom of my jaw while he kissed me.  i love the pull and push with him, so much so that my muscles are sore from being with him days after i leave.

i wish the sex with him was better because while hes not convenient geographically, he is a willing and able booty call.

if you find someone else, make sure...no.  i mean, dont find someone else until i do, he told me.

i laughed it off.

i laughed it off because later on that night, i was meeting the argentinian.