oh, night divine

uhra christmas lights hastings ranch, ca dec 2010

christmas was perfect.  everyone loved the photo album and the framed family pics.  my son and i do not have a picture together.  this is sad and will be corrected.

the kids answered tough questions, and they danced or sang or performed a skit.  i loved it.  that was my christmas present.

*****
this year is winding down, and in a way, i dont want to let it go.  this year was rich and colorful, and i intend for 2011 to be even more amazing.

so many people are being brought to my life, good people, spiritual people.  this, i know, is not by accident.  this is God answering my prayers the way He always does, sometimes the way i want and other times, by His will.

and His will is better than mine, and i know His love for me shines.  i believe that His plan is more outstanding than my own plans, so to Him, i bow.

in Jesus' name.

on the eve of His birth

chinatown san francisco, ca july 2010

i lost it today at the 4 o'clock christmas eve mass.  as soon as the music played, my eyes began to water, and i felt the wonder of it all, something i dont think ive ever felt.

wait, let me be more accurate.  i believe that where i am on my spiritual path, ive been very sensitive to spirituality and the beauty and mystery of the works of God, Jesus, the Blessed Mother, and the Holy Spirit.  i see blessings in places i wouldnt normally look at before...and i feel the love of God in ways ive never felt or acknowledged before.

everything seems to take on new meaning for me, and tears pour out...that is, they want to pour out, but i try to stop them.  so, today, at mass, when tears fell with the o come, all ye faithful notes, my son turned to me and asked, are you okay?

i managed only a nod because i would have spilled all over if i tried to answer.

and then?  for the homily?  monsignor said that his christmas homily was something people remember because there is no homily, just a joining of hands and singing silent night.  and so we did, and again, i felt the emotions.

the tears just flowed, and this time, i let it.  i was liberated.

*****
Prince of Peace.  King of all Kings.  Jesus.  Savior.  Redeemer.  Lamb of God.  Shepherd.  Son of Man.

im in love with Him.  in love.

sometimes, in deep prayer, i feel His presence.  and it is so peaceful.

happy birthday, Jesus.

thank You for Your love, for Your sacrifice, for Your presence in our lives.

i love You.

a quickie

venice beach, california november 2010

wanted to jot down some things before i leave for an afternoon of running errands and last minute christmas gifts.  i havent had a chance to really think of things for my immediate family, so ill be winging it.

*****
work ended last friday, marking a challenging, life changing 16-week stint at a middle school.  i got some presents, and i have to say that i am truly blessed by the kindness of people i am proud to say i work with.

i met this awesome woman who used to work there when she came two weeks ago to interview kids for a book shes writing about.  i dont know how we started talking, but we established this awesome connection, and we laughed a lot.

she shared with me how she went to school to get spiritual psychology degree, and i feel as if my prayer of seeing my path illuminated was answered.

and so, this past rainy monday, we had lunch, and she told me all about the program.  there are certain times when i feel so good and so much like im in my zone of self-efficacy:  when im in my city, when im holding a camera, when im writing and its going well, when im at church, when im at my favorite bookstores and other stores, when im doing yoga (i will do more of this in 2011), when im talking a class, and when i hear the voice of God speaking through others to lead me to where it is im supposed to be.

im going to go to an orientation meeting in january, and im going to make a big decision.  i know, though, that no matter what i decide...im guided, and im blessed.

*****
some words for 2011:

balance * wholeness * fun * courage * spirituality * transformation * love * compassion * joy * happiness * awareness * trust * freedom * acceptance * creativity * art * beauty * sharing * change * home * risks * learning * teaching * gratitude * promises * laughter * health * dedication * fruition * realizing * accomplishing * fulfillment * successes * abundance * vulnerable * empowering * dreaming * exciting * nourishing

im going to do something creative with these words...im going to do it.  and its going to be amazing.

*****
and in 2011, i wish for something that ive never put on top of my wishes:  i wish to love and be loved by another.  i wish for him to be nothing other than who he is, and i wish he will accept me for who i am.  i wish that our families and friends accept and bless our love.

i wish for this love to be.

preparing the way

bumper sticker avocado festival camarillo, ca oct 2010

i took the day off because the cold ive been fighting knocked me out, and well, shoot...everyone has taken a day off, and not for sickness.  at. all.

but whatever.  i dont care.  i do not judge.  at least i try not to, and i can remind myself now to not be judgemental.

and so, today, i finally finished the christmas present that i planned for my family, and my number one critic/fan told me, "im impressed...its really good."  yeah, my son is brutally honest.  believe me.

i designed 16 books and ordered it today for under $140 with shipping...and the shipping was $44.  i shared it with a friend, and she said that the subjects look like famous people.  that made me smile.

*****
i feel prepared now to be a photojournalist.  no more fears or doubting my gifts.  im going to be gentle with myself so i can see what others have seen that i dont acknowledge.

and in february, im going to buy a new baby.  i dont know where im going to get the money, but im going to do it.  im also going to pursue this passion of mine.  its no longer a hobby.  its a passion that i am embracing and welcoming the joy of living.

i must admit.  im a photojournalist by breath; i just need to get paid for it.  i feel surrounded by good energy every time i say this.

*****
and so im preparing the way for the Lord.  im going to listen to Him more and welcome His works in my life.  you see, ive been resistant for no other reason than its been more convenient for me to bitch and complain.  but once ive surrendered, so many wonderful things have happened.

first, im bonding with my students in a way that is wonderful.  second, im discovering new friendships who are on the same spiritual path as i am.  third, its not as stressful as it has been, even though the work hasnt diminished.

is this what i want to do?  no, of course not.  do i get anything from it?  yes, of course i do.  is it unbearable?  sometimes, it is, but then i wake up and do it all over again, so it must not be that bad.

im so fortunate and blessed because God knows what is best for me and places me where i need to be.  its amazing when this realization hits home, the feeling that a Greater Being is really in control makes me sleep more peacefully.

prepare ye the way of the Lord,
prepare ye the way of the Lord.

life at the moment

san francisco november 2010

ive been noticeably absent from my blog lately, missing a list of things im grateful for like ive done every year since ive started.

working in a middle school is challenging because i play a dual role of dean and counselor.  up until this past weekend, ive grumbled and deep in my heart held a deep resentment.  ive felt like i couldnt get a steady footing, and while people were nice, i felt...distant.

if you ask me how i feel today, id say this:  today, i feel like im doing what im called to do.  do i like it?  it doesnt matter.  this is what God wants me to do, and i will do it.  ive reconciled in my heart that this is my job, and im going to do it to the best of my ability.  and thats that.

besides work, ive had no time for any raucous with boys, and for that, im grateful.  i do miss some kissing, and it would be nice to have a little sex...but i want to meet someone of quality.  i dont have to marry them, but im tired of boys.  i want someone amazing.  so, im holding out.

*****
for christmas this year, im making a photobook for my family.  the kids will earn their gifts (its money) by doing something.

so, ive been working on the pics.  and i realized that i love photography.

I LOVE PHOTOGRAPHY.

i love photography.

i love photography. 

i cannot get enough of it.

i will make time to photograph again.  i have to.  its my life.

*****
the other day, igra messaged me.

hes engaged.  he said he shouldve consulted with me first, but i think he was just kidding.  oh, well.

i wish we were still friends, but the guy flakes so much.  im beginning to think he has a fear of hanging out with just little ole me alone.

its too bad because we have a connection...or i think we do.  maybe it was something that was just in the past.

*****
this year, because of the furlough days imposed by the districts, my son and i had one week off for thanksgiving.  do you know how amazing this is?  it should be law.

we spent four days and three nights up in the bay area.  uh-may-zing.

before we went up there, i began forming doubts and feeling as if my moving would never happen.  so many fears and anxieties made their way into the inner recesses of my brain and heart.

i almost gave up this dream, and i denied that it was God who had been the One to plant this seed.

but when my son and i walked around the city, i knew.  i felt it.  it was transformational.  this was my city, always has been, always will be.

my son calls it my promised land.

i belong there.  its inevitable.

and for that, im grateful.

*****


Father, thank You for Your love and for the plan You have for my life.

i ask You, Father, to please guide me, to be patient with me, and please forgive me when i fall short of Your expectations and especially when i dont trust You.

Jesus, i am in love with You.  You are love.

Mother, thank You for Your comfort and for Your sacrifice.

please, Father, please receive my burden of financial anxieties, and my worry about my son and where he will be in college.

in Jesus' name, i pray.

amen

while sunday winds down into monday

avocado festival camarillo, ca october 2010

 final thoughts before bed:

...i want to love someone, no matter how long or short, how glorious and painful, how easy or challenging, i want it.

...i want the next ten work days to kick ass, to be worry free and problem free, to be smooth sailing into the holidays.

...i offer special prayers for people in my life that i love so deeply and for others who i dont know and perhaps will never meet.

...i will learn about noetic science, an amazing discovery from the new book im absorbed in.

...ive finished editing the pics of the book im making to give as gifts for christmas.

...some affirmations to say when im down:  i am love.  i am enough.  i am worthy.  i am a child of the most beautiful and powerful and loving God.  i love.  i am.  i do my best.  there is abundance in my life.  i am surrounded by supportive forces.  i am grateful.  i welcome any and all blessings that come to me.  my angels protect me.

...i was driving today, and i felt a pang to go up to sf for christmas vacation, but soon enough, i know ill be there.

...silence is good, and i hear God and my own voice when im in silence.

...there are so many good things that will happen in the next few days, though i know not what they are.  i feel them, im sure of them, and i welcome them.

...my fears of moving to sf, of figuring out what job im to have, of figuring out how ill survive financially, those fears?  since giving these burdens to God, i feel excited and blessed.

...thoughts are powerful, more powerful than actions.

...words are more powerful than looks.

...i am a blessing to others.

...there is a man who i cant seem to shake.  no, its not the newly engaged igra who once again canceled our plans for today because of his future mil's hospitalization.  its another man, someone from my past who ive never met, and we shared some lovely thoughts yesterday.  even if nothing comes of this, hes wonderful.

...its been awhile since ive made out with someone, and while there are opportunities, i havent taken advantage of them.

...w was really instrumental in this change in me, and i will truly be grateful to him for the rest of my life.

...rainy days and mondays always get me down...not.

...i love the latest hp movie.  i was really impressed!

...i can rest my mind now that ive emptied it out on this screen.

is there nothing more romantic than...

four points sheraton hotel emeryville, ca nov 2010

 ...exquisite hotel beds with the firmest mattress and  feather pillows (too bad no sex was happening)?

...rainy nights under the covers, watching a girly flick, getting ready for a (hopefully) sunny monday?

...the wish, the hope, the faith that somewhere hes out there, and we will be together soon?

catching up

san francisco nov 2010

 well, hello...

its been awhile, i know.  i had to take a break, and i found that i didnt like being in front of a computer when i got home from work.

have i been productive?  absolutely! 

first and foremost, i realized how my body craves sleep.  i have no shame in sharing that ive allowed myself to sleep at 830 pm when i could, when my body needed to.  i love it!  im no reformed night owl; in fact, i still draw inspiration from the night, but while im working, i need to be gentle with and honor my biological rhythms.

second, ive been reading again.  i finished this amazingly wonderful read, even though it took me months.  i actually finished it in san francisco when the boy and i went for a few days before thanksgiving.

third, im writing in a new journal.  the pages are so divine...