between here and there... 

...is a space where i sit still and figure out how to be patient.

because im so done with the stupid drama at work, with the lost youth of my students, with being in the box, with no creative inspiration.

where i want to be is really there:  in a city that feeds my soul, new people who will never replace the ones that came before them but will so enhance my life, experiences that will marry creativity and practicality into a career that will finally bring a peace into my realm, love.

im trying to be here, in the present, trying to be present and not looking into the future, but its hard not to escape the situation that im in right now, here, in the present.

its all good, everything is good, nothing catastrophic or permanent is going on.  i have this cough that is in its final stages, a job that is annoyingly annoying, men and boys who are interested...these are all temporary.

i need something new...im bored with this crap.

and this is me, spilling whats inside my mind, letting it go so i can sleep tonite without medicating.

breathe.

better

yesterday, i spent time with my mom, sister, and two nieces in the suburbs.  i told my sister that if my rif goes through, i might move in with her.

this will never happen, even though she got excited for a second.

i cant ever live with my sister again, and i especially cant live with my brother in law.  love them both, but really?  ive grown accustomed to my ways.  and i wonder if i could have someone live with me.

but yesterday was  fun, and i spend $75 on three items for the boy.  the kid is expensive, but hes not rash, and he knows the value of money.  hes not one to buy things have me buy him things only to have it be wasted.  in fact, it drives me crazy sometimes when i want him to get new clothes, and he doesnt want to.  the kid doesnt like shopping, so when he finds something, it must mean hes in a mood.

*****
today, i spent the day with ma ladies at this awesomely serene place, and they loved it as much as i wish they would.  i think, though, that next time, we should go alone because there were some things i wanted to be present for but didnt want to keep them waiting.

the flowers were beautiful, and i realized that its because its spring.

i brought my camera, and i got some shots, but dammit, like with everything in my life, i have to continuously shoot to get better.

it felt foreign to me, my camera, and it was difficult at first to figure out what i wanted to shoot.

but like riding a bike, i dont seem to forget, and then it became comfortable again.

i dont know how to describe it when my eye looks through the viewfinder.  its so natural, it seems, for me to know what i want image i want to capture.

ive learned how to set up a shot in my mind, and when im at my peak, i take some great shots.

but when im not, when i havent shot, then, i get crap.

*****
i just made folders from my shots for the last three months.

i loved most of the images, and the others?  well, i deleted them.

shooting with my digital is a handicap for me.

i miss my film.  this summer, im taking a film class.

ill have to put the digital down for awhile...

on a friday night

its been such a long week.  i came down with a cold or allergies on tuesday, but im grateful it wasnt last week because last week?  jam packed action.

so many things have been happening at work.  its emotionally draining, and somehow, ive learned to keep the crap at work and not take it home with me.

and i dont want to do this anymore.

there, i said it.

look, i love work, i do.  i love my friends, i love the kids, i dont love the paperwork, i dont love the drama.  but im good as a counselor.  im good with parents and kids.  i feel this, and i dont want to leave, but.

but.

i want a more creative life.  i want space.  i want to do yoga.  i want to breathe deeply.  i want to play.  i want to take art classes.  i want to be free.

i need freedom.

i imagine a life living in a large space, but not too large to be all consuming.  i want the space to have large ceilings, great lighting, at least two bathrooms, a nice kitchen, a deck where i can plant a garden.  i just need this place to be my sanctuary, clean, uncluttered, sexy, great energy.

ive got to get out of this city.  i cant deal with it anymore, and im tired.

i havent been photographing, did i tell you?  i need an inspiration, something that will spark my creativity, mix up my creative juices.

im a bit afraid about this.  anxious.

but ill fix it, somehow, someway. 

musings while on allergy meds

ive been working on a post about m, the man i spent a few hours with a couple of saturdays ago, and its not going so well.

i think part of it is that i havent written about sex for so long, and while i had a great time, it wasnt that kind of great.

he was so welcoming and very funny.  its my favorite thing about him.  and when i told him, he said, second favorite, please. 

i wanted it to be second, but really?  it wasnt.

the kissing was okay...the sex was okay...well.

it had been awhile since i was properly handled.  he was really good with his fingers and his tongue.  it was our first time together, so we were getting to know each other.

it was fun, but is it worth writing about?  probably not.  ive forgotten most of it anyway.

but heres what i remember:  leaving his place at 2 in the morning, i felt myself again.  i had a deep realization that i am not cut out for longterm assignments, and i was okay with that.

it didnt feel forced, and it was fine to not know when we would see each other again.  if we were going to see each other again.

i dont want to, i dont think.  there have been sexy texts, but im stalling.

*****

speaking of sexy texts, im blown away again by a friend who i thought was only interested in me as a friend.  we had worked together last year, as in he had my kids in his class through adult school.

and the other day, i was just texting him to say hi because the muppet had brought him up...and then...

he propositioned me.

i dont even remember how it got from the innocent hi, how ya doing? to the dangerous give me a time and a place. 

it was odd.

he had never shown signs of attraction towards me.  our texting had always been friendly, and never once crossed a border of flirtation.

so, i left it alone, and today, he brought it up again.

he questioned my confidence, wondered if i was stalling, calling me scared.  so i told him about fp, and the tragedy that befell us when he became a fucking drama stalker.

im not going to do anything with this friend of mine.  first, hes married.  and hes got like four kids.  and im not into the whole cheating thing.

and maybe its because im not attracted to him that makes it really easy, but shit.

why cant a lovely man who is single and creative and has a fantastic sweetness and genuineness to him come to me?  a man who is a practicing catholic who knows how to love, how to dance, how to cook, how to be a man bump into me so we can start our lives together?

*****
i want to go to sf when the boy is off, but i dont think itll happen.  its too much time to take off from work, so ill set something up for july.

however, since we will be moving up there, maybe we should go out and explore another place?  im thinking oregon.  dont ask me why.  i feel a pull to go there.

*****
im ready now to start a more creative life that will follow a more divine life plan.  i signed up today for the habitat for humanity volunteer orientation.  i think mayis will go with me.

i want to be a photojournalist...ive got the outline of two books in mind.

im going to apply to sfai, and im going to make this work.

*****
im in need of inspiration.  i need to pick up my camera and photograph again.

ive got to take some meds so i can sleep because tomorrow is going to be a long day.

a long, beautiful day.

all kinds of sexy

yeah, i wish.

right now, im home, in bed with a fucking sinus headache, skyping with ma girls...

its the weather change.  it smells beautiful out, and the sun has finally come, but damn, with this spring comes allergies.

and im suffering.

its nasty, especially at night, and im done with the meds because i hate feeling stoned, so im just blowing my nose and putting menthol rub on me.

i have to go to the district to turn in the paperwork stuff, and i wonder if its worth it.

im beginning to think its not.

quickie

got another letter saying i might not have a job next year.  and with all the stupid shit that the district is proposing, guess what?  i might not want my job.

so, again, ill fantasize of what could be on june 27th.  ill do yoga, come home, and perhaps rejoice that im following a divine plan for my life.

or, perhaps, ill do yoga, come home, pick up the boy, and embark on a trip up the western coast and make our way up to seattle.

who knows?

*****
last saturday night was fun.

i have to still offer up a post.

*****
this week was hell.

except for thursday.  went to the art walk in dtla, and im freakin hooked.

work has been excruciating with conferences, crisis, and a sad secretary who was crying when she found out i was riffed.

are you kidding me?  it ripped my heart.

*****
went to the mall after lunch, and the boy and i bumped into one of his old friends.

the kid is so cute and sweet.

my kid?  so cute.  not so sweet.

well, no, hes awesome.  he will be much more awesome after this phase.

*****
i hate losing an hour of sleep due to daylight savings time, but i love the light and the longer days.

im doing so well on my 41 by 42 list.

*****
cant wait for my sons spring break.

we are taking off to go to sf!!!

i need this for my soul.

night, all.

inspiration

if i dont get some inspiration soon, i wont be completing my project 365.

as it is, i might have to start over, but i dont think i will.

is it too much to ask for a good kiss? a good fuck? good wholesome fun?

because really? its all i need right now.

just some attention to get the creative juices flowing.

~*~*~

what i adore most about m, the man who was the topic of this post, is that he has such a calm strength about him.

hes got a wisdom about him, something that comes from experience and processing and analyzing and reflecting about those experiences.

so, heres what scares me.  hes so much like me.  no sleepovers.  light.  fun.  drama free.  a bit distant.  so fucking sweet.  best intentions.  busy.  intellectual.

and im sure hes so much more.

i cannot fall for this guy.  i cant.  he doesnt want anything.  hes like d, in a way, but not.

m.  oh, m.

~*~*~

im so sick of this city.  right now, its cold and gray and rainy, but thats the best part of it.

i hate this city because i know i belong somewhere else.

it turns out that i will have time to hang with the boy at the last part of his spring break.  maybe we should head up to sf, just get away, move around, walk around.

i dont spend a lot of money on trips.  just for room and food.  and maybe find some inspiring pieces of clothing like my awesome scarves that i bought in bezerkeley.

i always always get compliments on them.

i need to travel.  i need to unleash this block...because if i dont, ill shrivel up and die.

and i dont want to do that.

especially not tonite.

two months    

this is a post about a man.

he and i started emailing in january, on a saturday night where we were both bored.  i sent him some of my pics through messenger, and he complimented each and every one.  genuinely.

we started with texting.  id wish him a happy morning every weekday, and on the weekends, it was more or less touching bases.

when the 200lb loser had a seizure at the restaurant and put me through hell, he was the one i called.  he was out with friends, but he said he would call me when he got home.  he did.  i had fallen asleep.  it was too late to return his call at 2:30 am.

when the 200lb loser merged with the other 200lb loser, he was the i one called.  we spoke for hours.  i told him what happened, and he was so fucking amazing and supportive.  he said i didnt need people like that in my life, and that simplicity was my truth.

i told him that in the times of crisis, he was the one i went to;  he offered me sanctuary.


of course he wanted to meet.  he wanted to meet two months ago, but i kept it at bay, and he said whenever i was ready to go to him.


he never pressured or pushed.  he let me have my time.


and so, the time is now.  it feels right.


i asked him what i should bring.


just bring your libido and whatever else you feel like but nothing required.

okay, ill bring my friendship, my essence and my being.  that should be enough.

and i cannot wait.  no expectations, no anxiety, no stress.

just me and the man that ive been comforted by the last two months.

yum!

a close call with a new virgo

he seemed romantic.  fireplace and candles.  somewhat shy, yet trying to be brave.  a cute way of being nonchalant, but hoping for approval.

we talked for two hours on saturday night, and on sunday, when he drove three hours to visit with his son, we sent off sweet texts.

when he got back into town in the evening we talked.  a few hours again.  laughing.  giggling.  it was pretty cute, innocent.

i knew he was a virgo, my krptonite to an otherwise strong nature.  we talked of relationships.  no, he brought it up, not me.  he wants love, romance, to have a family.

do you want any more kids?  he asked.

um.  well, im not in a relationship right now, and im not going to run to a sperm bank to get pumped with a turkey baster...unless the turkey baster is like 8 inches long.

we giggled.  then laughed.  then giggled again.

he sent me this after we got off the phone:  im sure you break hearts and turn heads.

no.  if i do, im clueless about it.  i dont share this way with just anyone.

really?  i feel special now.

you do?

yes.  im glad you like me.

i do like you. 

because i did.

the next few days were spent messaging, talking, giggling, and then...

on wednesday night, he just became a little brat.  rushing me to meet.  saying he understood my busyness, but really not.  so, like with many virgos, stupid miscommunicating and misunderstandings ensue.

it was a red flag for me, really, this immature tantrum.  so i turned off my phone.  when i turned in on a few hours later, i received this from him:  sometimes my impatience gets the best of me...forgiveness? 

so, i wrote back:  i dont know why we are even having this discussion.  i had a really tough day, and i needed to just talk to you.  dont you know?  i look forward to the end of the day when we can just laugh.  but i dont know now.  i hate drama.

i just want to smell you, touch you, get to know you.  a part of that is hanging out.  cant you just give me an hour? 

so, he called me.  we made plans for thursday night.

on thursday, i find him waiting for me at the corner by kaldis.  he is fucking gorgeous.  beautiful eyes.  nice body.  gray sweatshirt, jeans, cap...but what  nice package.

he ordered a mocha, and we walked around the farmers market.  he kept bumping into me, and finally, he put his arms around me, and we walked this way until i found his hands and held them.

he was nervous, i can tell, and when i put his arms around me, he commented about my move.

i told him i was clueless and that i didnt have game.

and then he was kissing me, grabbing my ass.

but he was such a bad kisser.

shit!!!

and so, i walked him to his car.

this was when he got a bit confused and talking fast and he was all over the place.  he reflected who i was a few years ago before w.

he said, i have to protect my heart, and i cant always think with my penis.

okay.  i dont understand what happened.

nothing.  everything is good.  we are getting to know each other.

i know, but i hate feeling like i did something wrong.

you didnt.

you think too much.

i know.  because thinking too much keeps me out of trouble.  and youre trouble.

how?  im a counselor. 

we looked at each other.  he was studying me.  and i was memorizing his gorgeous eyes.

and he got into his car and left.

and i?

i escaped unscathed.