an open letter
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| lake shrine palos verdes, ca september 2011 |
dear 2012,
just typing that sends an electric jolt to my system because i feel such goodness and magic already.
i welcome you with a bit of sadness in my heart. you see, 2011 was just an amazing year. it was a year full of growth in all aspects of my life, and i have to say that i let it go rather unwillingly.
in january, i went back to my office in the middle school with a new attitude. the three weeks prior had me thinking that my perspective was the only thing i can control, so i let go and let God.
the angels were with me, i know, when my intuition was proven right, and i had to really trust in the voice within that said everything was going to be all right.
i slept with a man with a beautiful smile and skin so smooth. he was a bartender, and his laugh was sweet and infectious. i went to him twice. it was fun. but you know, not satisfying.
so i thought id try an aquarian with a heartbreaking story. i was excited to discover if what is said about aquarians is true: this is the zodiacs best lover. he was good but cautious, and it was a bit of a letdown, but it didnt matter. so i didnt return.
in february, i turned a year older, and i embraced being 42 so warmly. i made a list that i never really revisited, but all was good.
my son turned 18, legal in the eyes of the law. and i began to see him as a man. a good man.
i began to feel like part of the staff at work. my footing was starting to feel solid, and my confidence was up. the work didnt get easier, but i was more forgiving of my mistakes. and so i learned from them.
i hung out with the 29 year old one night in dtla, and we walked around until we settled on some seating by the mark taper forum. he asked if he could hold me, and i let him because it was cold, but i felt uncomfortable, so i moved away from him. it had been august the previous year that i saw him last, but there was no awkwardness between us. wanna know why?
i got closure. and i told him so. he said,
thats good for you, right?
yes, it is, a.
but its not good for me.
oh, well. i was tired of hurting from not being able to be with him. i couldnt understand then why God brought him to my life. i loved him, but i wasnt going to do anything about it.
a week later, i met another aquarian. this time, i thought, will be right. he was conflicted and still hurting, but he wanted to hang out. things ensued, and he stopped communication, only to contact me a few days later. i was forgiving of him, his words and his voice soothed me late into the night.
he reserved a room at this incredible hotel in pasadena, and when he opened the door to let me in, the hug we started with turned out into a full blown ten minute make out session with me against the wall and his hands all over me.
it felt right.
we went out on the balcony and looked at the lights, and i mounted him as i kissed him. this prompted him to say,
lets go back inside, m. i want you.
and he fucked me after he lit candles all around the room. the connection we had on the phone and over email and text didnt exist when he was in me. it wasnt his fault. it wasnt mine. the connection just didnt transfer. not even when he read me poetry or words from zane gray. i wanted to leave, but when i approached the subject, he was a bit
shocked and asked me to stay. so i did. he fucked me before we slept, and we spoke about intimately personal things. well, he did all the talking. i was just trying to keep my anxiety at bay.
the night was spent in a vain attempt to sleep so after i showered and dressed in the morning, i left a note by his keys thanking him for the night, and i left the hotel room hoping that it wasnt too obvious how i couldnt get out of there fast enough. needless to say, that was that.
towards the end of the month, i met a persistent man who grew up in the east coast and acted accordingly with his directness. he was funny and playful, and when we met, my goodness....his cock was huge!
i loved that first night. he made me cum so much first with his fingers and tongue, then with his cock. and the long commute and fatigue seemed worth it. he knew my resistance to sleepovers, so when he sweetly proposed that i stay the night one night two weeks later, i did. of course the sleep was restless, but we werent all too concerned about sleeping anyway. he suffered because he had to go on a long hike that morning, but he said i was worth it.
the hiker texted me throughout the days. he made me smile, he made me wet. he reminded me not to fall in love with him, which made me like him even more.
in march, my son received his acceptance letters from all the schools he applied to. i was completely excited, but he knew where he wanted to go, and so, he accepted their invitation. and i accepted his decision.
work continued to be more comfortable. it seemed as if things were working itself out. there were shifts that were minute, and there were unpleasantness in the form of the ugly mandy, but nothing that couldnt be handled.
the hiker invited me to spend the night one friday night during lent and made me a salmon dinner because he knew i was catholic. he wasnt practicing, but he observed this lenten tradition of abstaining from red meat.
sex with him was good, but he kept reminding me to not fall in love with him, and while it was fun in the beginning, it began to tiresome.
in april, the most memorable experience was the panoramic photoshoot with my 8th graders only because i overheard my principal say to someone,
the photographers have been trying to get them to quiet down for five minutes, then she gets up there, doesnt say anything, and their quiet in a snap.
that felt good. especially since he hadnt really approved my being there.
spring break came the following week, and i spent it resting. i also sent off an email to a blogger who wrote some amazing words that resonated with me.
lent was so difficult. i hung out with this artistic guy who was unattractive. he was the
first person i regret fooling around with. he continued to text me
sporadically, but when i kept denying him, he gave up. havent heard
from him since.
the hiker was still in the picture, and i remember that we hadnt seen each other, so we started counting down the hours when we could. it was sexy. i had called him the morning we were supposed to meet. he was aching. i was aching. and when we finally had each other 8 hours later, it was amazing.
we rested after we fucked. then started up again. then rested. and i drove home sore.
one night, i hung out with the 29 year old who told me he was now 30. we were photographing things around his house with my 35 mm prime. i loved hanging out with him because theres always an element of art. i almost made it through the night without sleeping with him, but as i was making my moves to leave, he invited me to lie down with him. so i did. and one thing led to another. and we fucked. then i left very early in the morning. like i always do.
a few weeks later, he, shel, and i met up with vansa, her kids, and her parents at a chumash pow wow in malibu. after, he, shel, and i took a drive where his fathers house was, but unfortunately, the road was closed. he said he hadnt seen his father in over a decade. he also questioned me why i was so afraid of intimacy. we had to get a drink after that.
in may, i was dizzy with how fast time was moving at work. so many deadlines. so much planning. so much looking ahead. i began to seriously feel panicked every single moment i was awake. i didnt know how i was going to do it, but i had to do it. it was scary how i felt like i was walking blindly in faith, but it was also thrilling. i never felt alone.
the hiker had become an ass, and there were patches of time we didnt correspond. which was fine because i was consumed with work.
i got a call from cricu one day telling me carlo had passed. i was devastated. we went to his service. i couldnt wake to the casket. that wasnt the man who i had a crush on. he had aged so significantly, and the cancer meds caused him to be bloated.
my grieving was consoled by the 30 year old first at zuma beach, then after eating chinese food in chinatown, back at his house. it was the most intimate we had been with each other. i let him fuck me hard, bent over, my hands behind me. i let him fuck me softly, with him looking at me, his hands in mine. i let him fuck me while i released my pain. and then he held me as we finally gave in to sleep.
the next morning...well, rather, two hours later, i woke up and got dressed.
he said to me as the sun was barely rising,
sex is so good with someone when you have a mental, physical, and spiritual connection with them. you were the last person i slept with before tonite. when was that? february?
i smiled. and i walked out of his house.
june had 22 days in which i learned who i was and why i was where i was. i seriously doubted God about where He placed me, but His patience and His love and His guidance was on full display when i put on a culmination.
everyone helped me out, and i was so consistently humbled and grateful by the kind and generous souls who came out of the woodwork.
i hardly saw the hiker at this time. it had been over, i thought, but there were random texts.
my son graduated from high school, and his father, brother, and grandfather watched with me, his girlfriend, and my dad.
after, we went out for dinner. his father reminisced about things we had done, memories that were dormant until then. it was nice to be with him again. we maintained a safe distance, and i knew that we could finally be friends.
july was spent with me in san francisco, hanging with my cousine who i have so missed. i spent time with her and her boys, and i loved the city so much.
the night before the boy and i left for the bay, i fucked the hiker. it began to feel mechanical. just fucking. no usual talks. no usual laughter.
so, off we went. the boy was going to hawaii then to tahoe. i was going to hang out in the bay, meet up with someone new, then go to sebastopol, then drive home.
hanging with my cousine was a much needed girl time. we ate some good eats and watched
one of my favorite movies and shopped. her little boy is so adorable and sweet, and i remember when she first met my son who was perhaps the same age as hers.
on my last day in the city, i found myself on the 39th floor of a dtsf hotel looking out at the bay with a man whose words were crafted skillfully. i ordered a gin and tonic, and it was strong and because i hadnt eaten, it went straight to my system.
my hair was falling onto my face, and when he moved it away, i kissed him. or did he kiss me? i dont remember, but this was carved in my memory: the sexiness of public display of affection. im not one to do it. but with him, i didnt care.
he kissed me on the elevator down and again outside his room. he led me inside and fucked me twice, reading neruda to me in between.
i left a few hours later, marked, and met my cousine for dinner. she wanted to hear details. i gave it to her over mu shu pork and spare rib. it was fun. and i had a long drive ahead of me to sebastopol. i got there at 1 in the morning, and i slept in the next day to recover.
the drive home was long, and i felt my heart heavy saying good bye to my city, even though i would be back in two weeks. the 30 year old called me, and i felt our friendship being cemented. he is my muse.
two weeks in la made me eager to leave again. i dont recall if i slept with the hiker, but i did meet up with the writer and a cinematographer. they were fun. enough said. fun but unsatisfying.
i began communication with another blogger. the three hour difference was pretty cool. and because i had all the time in the world, we emailed, talked on the phone, and google chatted.
in august, i went back up to pick my son up and hang out with the cousine and her men. the drive back was hard, but my son and i bonded as we spoke of college and God and learning to trust Him.
the heat in la wasnt as bad as in previous years, but it was still heavy. the boy moved into the dorms, and then after, i fucked the hiker who lives across the street.
i was jobless and getting nervous because my rif hadnt been rescinded, but i had to leave that up to God. after all, it was He who i worked for.
i met an irish bloke who shared his amazing, heartbreaking tale with me. we made plans to get together again, but i became lazy.
my brother and i reunited, and for awhile, both my siblings and i were so close.
september brought on not only one job, but another teaching esl at night. it came suddenly. one day i had no job, the next day i had two. i didnt want to get attached to my counseling job as it was a sub position, and i thought fat ass mandy was going to come back to it in november. that was the plan anyway.
everyone was happy i returned. they didnt want to hear of it when i warned them of how temporary it was. i felt good to be with my people, and i felt more confident and happy. even though i was making way way way less. i was happy. i was less anxious.
it was tiring working until 8:30 pm, so the weekend was spent playing hard.
i had grown tired of the hiker, but i wanted to make it work. it wasnt his fault i was tired. he had anal sex for the first time, and it felt like we were bonded because of it. and it was the last time i slept with him.
my son was doing so well in school. i loved it. he decided to pledge for a frat, and he told me of his drinking and marijuana introduction. he sounded more mature and more honest. he was prepared for college. he was thanked me for that.
october was difficult. my fatigue of working two jobs was taking its toll. the community of where i was teaching esl was really ignorant, and i began to hate it. being a counselor was amazing, but i was resigned to the fact that i was leaving in early november.
my sister and i had a falling out, and she decided not to speak to me anymore. its too personal to speak of here. but my brother and i grew closer and spoke of God and all of His blessings.
the hiker began to ask me if i loved him, and he kept bringing up instances of love. it was scary. and i was over it. i began another celibacy phase. it was just as well. i was too tired to fuck anyone.
in november, i quit the esl job because i was offered my counseling job. it was fate that it happened, and a leap of faith that i accepted it. two people werent happy; one i cared about who i miss after getting fired from the district, and the other who is fat ass lazy mandy.
quitting the esl job brought on relief and a new sense of purpose and inspiration to be a great counselor regardless of pay. i made personal plans on how i wanted to be, and i think ive done a good job of following it. i also got hired for a saturday esl gig, thanks to gaya who i love so much.
my son bonded with his brothers in the frat, and i was invited to the parents banquet. it was so fun to see other parents and to discuss my ideas of him being in it.
i stopped by the hikers place before i picked up my son on veterans day. he asked me how i was doing since i hadnt seen him since the end of september. i told him i was engaged and was to be married in a month.
he took me into his bedroom and fucked me, but then changed his mind. it hurt. but we talked and it was fine.
thanksgiving came and went, and the air was different with two kids coming back from college. both were changed...one for the good, one became arrogant.
my son secured his first job. and he was happy.
december brought on a whirlwind before winter break. work was a blur. and thats okay. working six days a week was better than working four days of long hours.
i had a dream with a clear message: i needed closure from the hiker. i had not seen him since that time when he rejected me. the hiker did not want to give me closure. he invited me over, but at the last minute, i said no.
i met a 28 year old law student who i had a deep connection with. its unfortunate that it didnt transfer to the sexual, but he was fun. i sent the hiker a text to say hello when i got home. he lived down the street from the law student, and i really missed him that night. he had to wake up early for a hike the next day.
a week later, i met this analytical 30 year old whose apartment showcased his abstract art. i loved it. he was so sweet and creative. he came twice, but i did not. he walked me to my car, and i drove off into the late la night.
another call from cricue was made to tell me that triple t had passed the day before christmas. i was in shock.
my son stayed in the dorms for work, and he looked for apartments off campus because on campus housing was too expensive. his girlfriend stayed with him for a week. i reminded him about my expectations. everyone thinks they had sex. i know in my heart they didnt. theyre so innocent and pure. they dont paw at each other or call each other all the time. maybe they fool around, but they dont have sex.
i met a 23 year old who was so sweet. i fucked him after triple t's services. grief is so hard for me. i have to release it in this way. he said i was his fourth lover. he was good with his fingers and surprisingly a good kisser. but sexually? ill pass. we wont be doing that again ever. he had a great house by the foothills, though. and he is a lovely old soul.
anapi broke up with her boyfriend who was 7 years her junior. thank God. that kid was a douche.
i ordered photobooks for my family, but they didnt come on time for christmas. the passing of triple t kept me from raising hell and put things in perspective. they came the week before new years so i passed them out at the new years party.
family dynamics are different. its okay. i was worried, but i know that we love each other. and thats whats important.
my sister and i still arent talking, but she thanked me for the photobook. i didnt return her text.
shel and i wrote out some lists for photography. ive made different lists as well.
i welcomed in the new year with friends at a party that i didnt want to go to but went for anapi. a cute 23 year old was there. he didnt want to tell me his age at first. and he made eye contact which was sexy, but nothing will happen with this one. ive sworn off any man younger than 35.
*****
so, that recap of 2011 is to show you, my dear 2012, how this year will only be bigger and greater than the prior 365 days.
ive got goals, yo, and one of them is to find love.
im more mindful this year.
my two words are beloved or be/loved and grounded. i need those two because things are going to take off both in my professional life and personal life, so i have to be prepared.
i have big plans, 2012, but we both know that it is Gods will that i follow. He has been my guide and my light, and with Him, i have never been steered wrong.
i have to write more this year, photograph more, and kiss more.
im going to understand my relationship with my body, with money, with men, and with my family.
im going to exercise the muscles of my heart.
im going to take risks. in love. in photography. in my career.
im going to deepen my relationship with the Divine team.
and now, im going to sleep.
keep me well, 2012.
this is going to be a great partnership, and im grateful and i welcome any and all opportunities that come my way.
