today

was better than yesterday.

yesterday, i had to contact the sexual abuse unit in the lapd and then contact the pet team to evaluate a student.  the police came and stayed for four hours.  the parents were so supportive, and understandably, crying.  several times, i saw them huddling as a family.

eriven and i would look at each other, and once, she said, that family is so calm.  if it were me, id have killed the guy by now.

the perpetrator is my student's step grandfather, the man who raised her mother.

the sick shit people do.

it disgusts me violently.

*****
today, however, another student reported that her grandmother's tenant touched her.

the grandmother said, im not defending him or protecting him, but sometimes kids lie.

in any situation like this, i will believe a child.  only once did i not believe a student, and it turned out i was right.

what the major fuck is wrong with this world?

*****
the security guy here came in and asked how i was doing because of yesterday.

you know, that was so nice.

i love how people are so kind and compassionate.

*****
im having that feeling again where i want to run.

run.

come on, powerball.

just once.

over and out

i fucking hate this cowardice.

its the one thing that i cannot accept in a person, perhaps because i see it in myself, and i hate it.

but to see it in another in whom ive placed (too) much trust and from whom id never expect this behavior, it is fucking disheartening.

but i know there is a message in this mess.

i am convicted that there is a fundamental reason why this is so.

and while i do not want to know the reason (excuse), it will be revealed.

*****
so wake me up when its all over
when im wiser and im older
all this time i was finding myself, and i
didnt know i was lost

-avicii, wake me up

the past year or so has been a blur of wtf moments

in this stage of the grief process, i am now once again in the anger stage.

anger at my own stupidity and lack good judgement.

i think i can handle pain more than i can stupidity.

although there is no regret, i do feel a huge disappointment in a person i thought was of character.

again.  this is not anyones fault but my own for trusting and believing in something i knew deep down was so not of integrity.

i feel awake today, at this moment.

awakened to the realization that i no longer want to be disrespected.

that i want to be treated with respect, and i do not feel it from this person.

so.

wtf.

i have some deleting to do.

motherfucker.

*****
in other news.

the texan is worried about me.

he thinks i need him to rescue me or to make feel better.

silly man.

doesnt he know that the one who gives the pain is the only one that can take it away?

im getting tired of this knight in shining armor bullshit.

i want the dragon.

motherfucker.

this on a tuesday

by 7:00 am, ive:

emailed the texan thanking him for being patient and for not calling me for awhile and acknowledging how hard that is seeing as he will be going to la jolla for the nite and not asking me to join him.

emailed the east coast man my (music) obsession:  imagine dragons' demons.

did a 15 minute meditation:  om shanti om.

prayed in gratitude and with strength for the blessings in my life (like i dont have psoriasis).

made my bed.

got dressed (brown cords and denim shirt with a white tank).

looked pretty (its a feat).

drove to starbucks for my usual (venti iced coffee, one pump sweetener, extra soy, and a tomato cheese croissant).

heard from one of my (now) favorite barista that shes putting in her notice because of the bipo manager (i know her...i agree).

*****
by 11:00 am, ive:

had a parent conference with one of my students (the kid is 312 lbs and is missing a finger).

picked up a student from the curbside (he wanted to stay at home so he can play the fucking GHOST game).

visited two classrooms (i was impressed with one, not so much with the other).

*****
by 4:00 pm, ive:

been called a fucking counselor by one of my (favorite) students.  he made a public apology at the staff meeting (his idea).

presented to the staff at a faculty meeting.

helped prepare for a presentation tomorrow and thursday.

*****
when i got to my office, i got a message from the texan to check my email.

holy shit.

i didnt even read it all, but when i scanned, he mentioned how he wanted to be with me.

what the fuck doesnt he understand?

its never going to happen.

ever.

i know that nothing in my physical or spiritual being wants to be with him.

he is not the one.

he is not my prayer.

*****
my prayer doesnt ever want to talk to me.

he is angry or hurt or whatever with me.

he has dismissed me.

and i have to respect and honor that.

*****
life goes on.

it has to, no matter what.

and i, for one, am so fucking grateful for that very truth.

imagine dragons and other things

currently, i am loving demons, especially the last few seconds when they feature a fan who lost his life to cancer.

it makes me cry, this part, so i watch it again and again.

i love their music.

dapel sent me a video to watch.  radioactive.  i love that video, though theres nothing about it that makes sense to me.

whatever.

the guy is cute.

im on their pandora station now, and i kind of love it.  a lot.

*****
its a mess right now in my life.

just stuff settling down.

things falling around the shape of a love i once had.

this weekend, i wrote four pages in my hand written journal.

i respect and honor this man, and because of it, i will leave him alone.

and im sure hes moved on by now.

hes a good man.  he deserves someone who will love him.  and who he will love.

and it pains me to type that, and when i reread it in a few months, i hope the sting will be gone.

i wish i had the chance to take him to my sacred spaces in la when he was here, but i always felt that we would have time on another visit.

i showed him sf, carmel, the picturesque 1 freeway, pismo beach, and la jolla.

those days were magic, and i will hold on to them with fondness.

and driving down the coast and stopping along the way to marvel at God's majesty has been seared into my memory.

but i cannot live on those.

i need to move on.

i need to be grateful for the time we had, to be grateful that we had the time.

and i hope that he felt special as well.

every moment was for us.  designed especially for us.  given for us.

*****
i know that eventually feelings and memories fade, only to be replaced by the new and current ones.

this is why i write:  to preserve moments, even if the energy isnt as sharp as it was when they happened.  i like knowing that one day, i can sit under blankets and read about him.

motherfuck.

why the fuck do i have to be so fucking sentimental?

why the fuck does it hit me this way?

im hurting.

a piece of me is dying inside.

and i wake up reaching for him still.

dammit.

i promised myself id be gentle with my heart about this.  in the past, i moved on abruptly.  letting go and getting over it.  its perhaps because there was always someone else waiting in the wings.

but he?

i cant.  i envisioned a life with him.  will i feel stupid when i read back on this?

i dont care.

i dont regret having done this.  he was my reward for patiently waiting and not giving my heart away.  he was the one worth waiting for.

i loved him.

i still do.

its been so hard for me.

and i envy how quickly he moves forward.  how stoic and how unaffected he is.

but i remember my promise to myself to be kind and compassionate.

if i have to cry, i cry.

if i have to get angry, i allow it.

if i need time alone, i embrace it.

i wish i were built like him.

but sadly, im not.

time will heal me.

that and some music.

withdrawals (as man in the box plays on pandora)

this weekend, except for a few hours with my sister and niece in pasadena, i spent in bed.  hibernating. recovering.  withdrawing.

and i wanted to feel guilty, but i didnt.  i had no plans except to do laundry (but does that count?), but when my sister called and said she and my (favorite) niece were in pas, i decided to join her for lunch and coffee. her treat.  how can i refuse?

while we were sitting outdoors at cb&tl, she asked, do you still talk to r?

nope.

why not?

it just didnt work out.

but you sent him something by text.  he was part of a group send.

it was probably sometime last week, but it seems so long ago.

*****
sunday morning, i came hard and then, for some unknown reason (maybe its because i called out his name), i began to cry.

it was so fucking annoying, but i miss him so much.

and the reason why is because a year ago yesterday, i realized i was in love with him.

it was on a saturday.  he called me while he was working, and i was driving to my aunt's graduation party. he got off at 1:00 pm (my time), but when we said good bye, it had been about 45 mins later.  he had dinner plans with his wife and friends to try a new tapa place.

oh, the things my fucking mind remembers.

*****
but everything, it appears, reminds me of him.

i was at tj maxx with my sister, and i passed by the row of socks where i spoke with him one sunday afternoon.

and i showed my sister and niece where tbbt boys worked (cal tech), and it brought me back to the summer when we did a drive through.

*****
i cant believe i wont be talking to him again.

i feel like vomiting.

dammit.

this is the worst ending, possibly because i know that it has to.  there are certain things i need, things that are nonnegotiable, things that are so minor but mean a lot to me.

i thought i had been communicating that, even if in the beginning, i didnt have to.

he was my best friend.  still is, in some ways, but fuck.

fuck me for falling in love with a married man.

fuck me for falling in love with a married man who lives in another coast.

fuck me for falling in love with a married man who lives in another coast and has a young child.

fuck me.

fuck.

*****
and to top it off, the texan just emailed me saying hes hurt because i dont pick up my phone.

well.

get over it.

get over it because until i get over the man from the east coast, ill be healing.

thats all i can say now at work because i can feel the fucking tears building.

two years later

yesterday, he called and then sent a text to call him.

i lied.

said i was still at work.

i was driving home.

when i finally got back to him, he said he was working at redondo beach, and he was leaving to go back to texas in the morning.

ive rejected him so many times that one day, hes going to go away forever, but for now, hes persistent.

and i am lonely, but im doing fine all by myself.

it hurts deeply today, and ive been doing what i can to not think of or remember the man i loved.

im not doing a good job.

*****
the man i loved.

its his birthday today, and i have to keep myself from calling him because i am healing and scarring over, but i am still weak.

i hate it.

i hate that i cannot do anything about it...and worse.  i hate that i dont want to do anything about it.

not anymore.

i mean, i really put the effort into this, and it didnt pan out.

i am kicking myself for opening up my heart, but you know what?

i dont regret it.

i loved him fiercely.

i made some sacrifices for him.

i ached for him.

and i have to let him go.

its just hard today.

especially today.

other days, i manage, but the weekend is coming up, and i want to catch up on my rest.

life is good.

and it will only get better.

i know this.

eight years later

i hate halloween.

i hate it so much.

but the exbf loved it.

and for some reason, i still havent gotten over it.

twenty plus years later

the other day, the red haired boy called me on the way home from work.

i had forgotten how easy it is to talk to him, but i intentionally remind him that hes married, and our story is over.

not that he wants to start it up again (i dont think), but there is a line that i dont want to ever cross with him. its just not worth it, especially with our history.

*****
we met the second day of orientation for incoming freshmen at ucsd.  he was standing with a group of guys (and by guys, i mean nerds) i had met the first day at a trust building exercise.

the red haired boy made me laugh at his silliness, and i was charmed (yeah, im easy).  during the tour of the campus, he was hilarious and nerdy and friendly.

it was fun, and i felt good.

after the tour, he asked me if i wanted to go to the movies.  i said yes, but a bit later, i realized it was a date.

i dont date now, and i didnt date then, so i was nervous.

when it was time to meet, i walked to his dorm, and i saw a girl who had been on the tour with us.  i asked her to join.  she said yes.  she sat between us at the movies.

after, the red haired boy drove us around, and we found la jolla cove.  it is still a sacred space, and i have taken only special people there.  it is a place to heal.  it is a place of good memories.  it is a place where i almost died (this is for another time).

we didnt stay there, though, because it was late, so we headed up to the 17th floor of one of the dorms on campus that his brother told him had an awesome view of the ocean.

thinking back on it today, it was dark out so we wouldnt have seen anything, but still, we went.

i told him my calves hurt, and he massaged them.  he flirted with me in such an endearing way, in a way i didnt even realize he was flirting (til he told me he was).  perhaps i didnt even know if he was or not, but im clueless anyway about these things.

things went fast after that.  we hung out every day.  if he nor i were in classes, we were together.  studying became an issue.  he wanted to, i didnt.  so, we came to a compromise.  he studied while i hung out with him at the library; after, he was mine.

we were both virgins, which meant a lot of dry humping and making out.  the one time we were both ready, he wiped out on his bike returning from getting condoms.

when he called the other day, i said, you know what i need?  i need a good guy friend who is straight and single but is not interested in me.

why? he asked.

because i need to hang out with someone fun.  go to the movies.  dinner.  get a new vibrator with.

what?

yeah, i need a new vib.

why not go online?

nah.  i want to go to the store itself.

how big?

i dont actually need a big one.  i just need a stimulator.

with a remote?

what?  no, i dont want someone controlling it.  i just want to get off, then go on with my business.

you dont like cuddling?

nope, not anymore.  thanks to you.  you owe me money i paid to my therapists.

youre funny.

im serious.  youre bringing up all these memories.

so, go back to the vibrator.  

what about it?  i just need something small, powerful, and discrete.

okay.  ill work on it.

youre going to buy me one?

yes, ill look into it.

but youre not going to make me use it in front of you, right?

no.

and youre just going to give it to me?

yes.

like a birthday and christmas present in one?

sure.

okay.  thanks, but thats all.  because youre married and shit.

yeah.

youre still married,right?

yeah.

for tax purposes?

nah.  for room and board.

i love him.

not a passionate love.

but a sweet fondness.

hes my memory.

and i want it to remain that way.