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| pasadena museum of art pasadena, ca dec 2010 |
i have always had an issue with endings. i suppose i am not alone in this, and if i were to be honest, id say that i have issues with beginnings as well.
ten months ago, i sat in this office, confused and grateful because of the space and my floor to ceiling window. i thought i hit the jackpot.
little did i know the ride i was in for, and as i reflect back on it now, this last day of june, this last day i am employed by the district, this last day i am known as an 8th grade counselor for the 2010 - 2011 school year, i know that i have been moved and changed.
and i have grown. in so many ways that i never would have if i had not had this experience.
for the last ten months, i asked God why He chose this place for me. and two weeks ago, He answered.
two weeks ago, i thought i would suffer a heart attack because of some pressures, but the angels gathered around me and my colleagues came to my aid.
two weeks ago, i witnessed the depths of generosity and kindness in the hearts and souls of people i work with from the custodians to secretaries to administration.
two weeks ago, i understood in my core why i was here.
and two weeks ago, i knew that the ending was coming near.
*****
i loved this year because of the cross i bore and because of the people who walked this path with me.
i never felt alone...well, no, thats not true. i never felt abandoned, though there were steps i knew i had to take alone.
and if you ask me today what ive learned from this year, the first word that comes to mind is leadership.
*****
do you believe in synchronicity? do you believe that nothing is accidental? do you believe in free will?
this path im on, the spiritual and earth path, is such an amazingly wonderful ride, and i am blessed.
blessed not more than others, but perhaps grateful than many who do not realize what amazing lives we lead.
*****
i do not know yet where i will be next year. my admin told me he wanted me back. my teachers and the younger students want me back. the ta's want me back.
and i? what do i want?
does it matter?
i will do Gods will, and it is more important what He wants than what i want.
ive made plans before, and they never work out well.
so i surrender. and i will do what i want until i am directed to do otherwise.
*****
i will no longer see the photographer or my 30 year old friend.
those situations have run their course, and there is no more space left for them.
however, there is someone new, someone who makes me smile, someone who seems to be chill.
which is what i need now during the summer months.
tonite, he and i will hang at his place. i like him, so no sex until further notice. but man, if his lips are kissable and if his hands are sexy?
well...im going to behave myself.
*****
next thursday, i take off for the bay.
im going to have dinner with my cousine and her two men. im going to hang out at the mission. im going to go to bodega bay because the argentinian raved about it.
and im going to photograph.
im going to rest.
im going to masturbate in an awesome hotel room.
and im going to walk in prayer.
