la's fine but it aint home

san juan bautista mission

i got to la yesterday, and it doesnt feel like home.  im surrounded by all of my things, yet...

i needed this trip, and again, my heart was shattered into pieces leaving northern california.  i cant explain it anymore, cant explain the need to leave this city, the need to start my life up there.

i just have to do it.  met some wonderful people up there who shared their journey with me, and the common denominator is this:  just do it.  thanks, nike.

i know id like to live in berkeley, go to school in sfai, and eventually be a director of a non profit that works with art and education.  i want to bring art back into the community for young people, and not wait until theyre in high school...

talent has to be developed continuously, and not just because of an art class.  thats what i hated about cutting arts from schools.  sometimes, kids are successful in arts and struggle in academics.  they feel validated when they are acknowledged.  sports?  yeah, great, but really?  come on, one injury, and bye bye.

*****
havent heard from my 29 year old friend, so its safe to assume that hes met someone else.  which is fine, its inevitable, and im glad.  really.  this was a simple time, and no hard feelings.

just a farewell to someone who i really liked as a person.

not that great of a lover, so no big loss.

but i regret that we never went to church or had more chances to take pictures.  he was brought into my life to get my creative juices flowing.

i have a feeling we will talk again, but by then, itll be too late.

for now, im just accepting the terms that i laid down and God answered.

*****
i find that i love being alone.  lately, noise really bothers me, and i need quiet.

like when i drive.  yesterday, i loved driving down the 101, passing through the beautiful central california and then hitting the coast...it was breathtaking.

and peaceful.  i love the peace i feel, love the quietness so i can think and understand my thoughts clearly.  i love communicating through prayer.  and thats the core of this peaceful, easy feeling.

*****
its pretty exciting to live my life right now.

well, for me, it is, but for some, i know that it feels like walking a tightrope without a safety net.

can i tell you?  i kind of dig that.  i kind of love not having a routine.  i kind of like waking up and saying, God, this is a new day.  what possibilities will i have today?

i love that.

when i told people on the last day at poly that i was leaving, they seemed panicked.  i felt like i was comforting them because they freaked out at the fact that i wont have a job.

i, however, rejoiced.  okay, ill admit that i let them scare me into their way of thinking, but after praying silently and quickly, i felt a peace over me.

it was awesome.  and i couldnt help but smile and wish poly luck.

the politics is too much for me to grasp, and i dont play, so peace.

out.

and now, here i am.  so at peace not knowing, not having to know.

because really?

possibilities are more enticing than routine.

exhausted

318, four points sheraton, emeryville, ca

it was an amazing day.  walked at least seven hours around chinatown and north beach and fishermans wharf.

i went to mass at a catholic church in chinatown, then i hit up a cathedral and the shrine of my favorite saint:  st francis of asissi.

the power of believing in God and being on this tremendous spiritual journey have been both exhilarating and challenging.  my breath is taken away with every grace and blessing i receive.

and the whole time of visiting neighborhoods?  i was just being.  and of course, thinking.

i dont want to go back to la...i feel that nothing is there for me.  not a job, not a lover, not a house i want to live in forever.

there are so many things to do in this city, and if not to do, then to just be.  but yes, there were times when the noise and the crowd were disturbing, and i honestly needed the quiet of the bart to center my nerves.

my son decided to extended his vacation with his father because his baby brother is there with him, so he will be flying out next monday, and ill be driving home this tuesday.

i dread it.

*****
ive decided some things.  first, 29 is way too young for me, too out of my league, and not what i want to get involved in.  it frightens me sometimes my impulsivity and the stupidity i find myself in when i dont think things through.  i love the kid, but really...its not going to go anywhere.  thank God he hasnt contacted me.  either he has another or hes giving me time.  i am so blessed and grateful to have had him in my life at the right time because he brought me back to photography.  more importantly, he set a new standard.  i cannot wait to pray with my future husband.  of course it wont happen any time soon, so until then...

second, i am not the kind of person who fucks friends or becomes friends with men i fuck.  however, lately, ive become that.  ive tried to make it a friendship with benefits with friendship being the benefit.  this.  doesnt.  work.  for.  me.  why?  because i get attached or become disconnected, and when i am either, im no good to anyone, especially myself.  ive always been a cerebral sort, not that its been always a pleasure, but it serves its purpose now and again.

third, i am very drawn to the buddhist way of living.  i will not adopt that religion because i am and will forever be catholic, but im loving this amazing book and digesting the ideas of it.  today on the bart, i was engrossed by the simplicity of the words and the richness of the meaning that i almost missed my stop.  if i can somehow incorporate this in my life, i will survive the next year in la.  the kid doesnt want to leave his senior year, and i cant say i blame him.

fourth, i am open to receive whatever blessings and graces come my way.  i wont look for grand signs only, but also be mindful of the little things, like simple beauty and love.  i want love.  i want a simple love that is not complicated by drama or too much thinking.  that part i got down pat...and i have to let go of it.

fifth, im both excited and bored of the thought of being a counselor at a new school.  a part of me thinks it wont happen, but i know i am not in charge, so i will leave it to God.

*****
im tired.  i havent packed yet.  i just want to sleep in.

and pray.

catching up

bellefontaine nursery, south pas

the last post with my dtla friend was the last time i saw him.

i had been thinking of ending it for awhile, hoping that we could still be friends, but the sad truth is that we could not.  he turned out to be something of a coward, and i felt really empty when he suddenly took himself away.

and i prayed hard for us to remain friends, but i heard nothing.  however, one of Gods greatest gifts is unanswered prayer.  i love that reminder that it is Divine will, and not mine, that will prevail.

i had a rough night last night.  i had a dream that was full of anxiety, starting with dines who was sharing this room with me.  it was scary.

but it was just a dream, and there is no need to think about it again.

today, i plan on hitting oakland and berkeley.  i love the berkeley campus with the amazing coffee shops and stores.  i dont know where ill end up, but i know i just want a few hours to walk around and hang out.  theres a saltwater lake that i want to check out.

part of the reason for this trip is to figure things out, to face things that i havent wanted to.  its really hard to look at the internal mirror, but its necessary, and i pray that i get some clarity.

oh, hello

hotel room with pics from night shoot

here i am again, where i was a year ago, in a hotel that i love so much, alone again, which i love so much.

i have been alone since two weeks ago when i dropped my son off at the airport to hang with his paternal kin, and i have been busy loving alone time and hanging out with friends.

oh, we will have to catch up on that stuff because i have a new friend, someone who i completely love in the purest of forms, but theres a part of me - my ego who i wish would just fucking leave me alone on this vacation - that has so many doubts and anxieties...and it is that part of me - my ego - that makes me spiral and if i told you how things really were, you would laugh at me.

and i suppose i should tell you that i saw the argentinian and had a great time with him.   but as expected, he has once again disappeared.  next time he returns, i will not allow him entrance to my life.  because he is, as i suspected, a full of shit coward.  but still a great kisser.

this new friend of mine, well, hes young.  but what i love about him is that he has gone through a major life changing crisis that has brought him closer to God.  he is catholic, not just spiritual, but a churchgoer.

and we pray.  we pray for each other, we pray out of his prayer book.  and it is what makes me love him so.

last night, when i was saying good bye, i blurted out, "i love you."  and i saw this light go on in his eyes, and im sure he saw me be unreactive, and while i tried to play it off, im sure i didnt.

because really?  i do love him, but not in that way i want to love someone.

theres a reason why we are friends. and when it was the very beginning, i said to him, lets give this to God because i do not know how to make sense of it

and so i have given it to God, but then my ego wants to take it back.

yeah, the ego has to go.  its really been working my nerves.

more tomorrow...