hhhmmm...

i never go out through my front door.  the only time we use it is to get the mail or throw the garbage away, but its usually the garage door from where we enter and exit.

so, today, when i passed a bag of garbage to my son, i noticed a rose.  it was wrapped in a red tissue paper, and at the bottom part of the stem, there was a water thingamajig that kept it hydrated.

i asked my son if it was his, he said no.  i asked my brother if he knew anything about it, he said no.

and since i wasnt expecting a rose, and since neither of the other two people who have access to my house knew or expected it, i threw it away.

im not even going to think about this, not even going to guess where it may have come from or from who.

its unwanted, its unneeded, and its in the basura.

trusting

yesterday, i was notified that jokub found an inhouse counselor to work with him, and while my ego was bruised, my core was so very very relieved.

you see, i didnt feel it when i stepped onto that campus.  which i really wanted to.  because i came for my interview at poly, i was home.  the marching band was playing, the murals on the building were colorful, the grounds clean, the students were so respectful.

and i feel so proud of the work ive done at poly, and if it werent for this damned economic crisis, i wouldnt be so worried, but...

theres no reason to worry.  im trusting God that this school was not the path i am supposed to be.  ive always been guided and placed in schools that had amazing people and students.  and when it wasnt going to be good, i was taken out of that place.

so, thats it.  im bracing myself for a pink slip.  but im not even going to worry.  i know, i believe, i trust that God knows where im supposed to be.

incidentally, the last week, there were moments when i spontaneously yelled out, yes, Father, yes, im ready.

i dont know what i was saying yes to, but im it was the whisperings of angels that made me.

and im so at peace with this.

october

it was that month, i think, when we first started emailing.  he asked me if i wanted to watch a movie, and i did, but i couldnt because i was with the 200 lbs then.

so, we continued emailing, until one night when he said he had a date for margaritas with a woman.  then i didnt hear from him.

i thought he was gone, but then in early december, he emailed me.  sweet.  needed it then.  and he wanted to get drinks again, or watch a movie, or just talk on the phone while i had a drink and he had one, too.

but it didnt happen.  you know, because of that fucktard i was with.

and then he left for washington to spend the holidays with his family.  i missed his call because i wasnt up to talking to him, and then i went away to san diego with 200 lbs more than i needed.

when the new year started, he told me he was teaching a class.  messaged me after the first day and told me how it went.  i was endeared.

on my birthday, he messaged me so many wishes.  and on the way to pick up the 200 lbs for the last time ever, i called him.

why arent you with anyone, j?  i asked.

why are you asking me this now?

curious.

well, i was with someone.  remember when we didnt talk for two months or so?

yes.

i was seeing her.  it just didnt work out.

can i ask why?

i think she was on a rebound.  wanting so many things so quickly.  i wasnt ready for that.

okay, thanks for telling me.


and when i lost 400 lbs, he was the second person i called after shel.  he listened.  maintained a soft heart.  didnt judge.  didnt pry.  just let me tell him what happened and honored it when i said, im done.  i dont want to talk about it anymore.

so, we didnt.  he was so sweet with messages for the following week and a half, and then he disappeared. all last week, i believed he has met someone, especially during valentines weekend.

of course he would meet someone.  hes so sweet.

today began the messaging.  and we just got off the phone.

we have plans for sunday before he leaves for rhode island for a month.

we are strangers. but something about him feels comfortable.

we laughed tonite as he was telling me about his adventures in dancing.  i love that hes a friend.  nothing sexual at all.  but he does seem on edge when he thinks im with a guy.

its all very fun and sweet.  but im just not in that place yet where i want to let anyone in my space.  besides, he will be gone for a month.

and you know.  a month is a long time.  im hoping that we will lean on each other when we need someone to talk to or share with.

im hoping for a friend out of this.

i asked told him a few weeks ago of a fantasy i had:  i wanted to make out with a college professor.  tonite, he told me the class ends on monday night.

darn, i said.

why?

well, you know, youre not going to be a professor anymore.  there goes my fantasy.

i can teach you something.


that would make you a tutor.  not a professor.


hhhmm...that sucks.


doesnt it?

so, lets just see.  because i like surprises.  and adventure.

i thought that maybe we can go to a bar and get drinks instead of going to his place.  i just dont want to have any kind of mishaps.

but if it were to lead that way...well, that would be fun.

before we got off the phone, he said, are you better now?  are you happy?

yes, i am.  very.  thank you.

good.

why did you ask me that, j?

i just wanted to know how you were.  if you were okay.

i am.  im better than okay.  im great. 

im going to bed now with a smile on my face.

its been so damned long.

number 6, number 8, and number 41

this is one of my favorite inspiration:
come to the edge, he said.
they said, we are afraid.
he said, come to the edge.
they came. he pushed them. and they flew...
guillaume apollinaire

this morning, i sent jokub a text telling him i was just checking in, and he sent me a text back that he would know something more definite tomorrow.

and this is where my ego kicked in and started with the negativity.  all day, i was so worried, so concerned about how things were going to turn out about this job, feeling like shit because i really thought i had it...

my goodness, what a great big ego i have.  because really?  the text was so basic.  and the message was clear:  he would get back to me tomorrow.

but my ego wanted me to spiral, wanted me to be insecure, wanted me to be who i was before three weeks ago...and i just cant anymore.

so, here is number 6:  diminish how often ego runs my life.  i have to practice this, and here i am.  just sitting still and doing number 8:  let go and let God.


technically, i should be doing number 1:  praying and meditating.  because i havent done it lately.  the truth is im feeling so much better about the 400 lbs i lost.  but thats more reason to pray and to celebrate.


so, thats what i shall do.  i want to pray because im grateful and happy and no longer in crisis and in need of such deep tenderness.  wait, thats false.  i do need the tenderness.  i need the feel of light wrapped around my being and my essence.


i need the warmth and loving hands of the angels.  i need the playfulness and the guidance, as well.


and i need to go back to quieting my thoughts.  this is why i love yoga so.  it gives me a respite from the noise, from the energies, from me.


and i should be practicing this list more often than not.


shanti.

wish

whats in my heart right now is this:  i need to be taken by a caring, trustworthy, capable man.  its been so long since ive been decently made love to in the best and rawest sense of the word.

id love for this man to be so cool, creative, intelligent, sexy...a great conversationalist, intuitive to my needs, attuned to my psyche.

id love for this man to be native american, a part of him or a whole, a musician, a photographer, a writer, or any type of artist, who holds a job that he loves and lets his spirit play after.

and id love to find this man, wherever he is, love to find him as spiritually and emotionally ready as i am.

oh, not tomorrow.  because im not ready yet.

maybe a few weeks.

til then, the promise of him hovers over me like a beautiful white puffy cloud that i could stare at for hours.

 on being radiant, guanajuato, and the need to photograph something different than before

through her pain of losing her beloved dog, a devastation she says she will never recover from, dbm greeted me today with the following words:  you look radiant.

thank you so much.  i feel good.  happy.

but she wasnt.  and i felt her hurt and sadness.  and all i could do was sit with her.

~*~*~

this morning, mayis said to me, you should go to guanajuato.

have i ever told you i wanted to go there?

no.

thats funny.  a few years ago, i was consumed with the idea.

you should go.

~*~*~

and today, i was thinking about photography.  i really have to push myself.  im tired of the same old pictures i take.

i need an inspiration.

i need a soul soothing, deep kissing, magic thinking man.

where, oh where can he be?

every now and then

i love reading this.

especially the last four lines.

especially today.


after a while

after a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
and learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in midflight
and after a while, you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
and you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn and learn...
with every goodbye, you learn.

by veronica a. shoffstall

time

ive never known the limit of time as when i was in my counseling program. lately, ive been rereading my posts from the w months, and i hear how fatigued i was. why i attempted to embark on a relationship with a man that was consuming was beyond me.

last night was nansers 40th birthday party. it was nice to see so many people, and many of them remembered me, but i didnt remember them. they were saying how fun i was, how crazy i was...and then it came rushing back to me.

alcohol and herbs were a big part of my life back then. my son was young, i had a lot of time on my hands...well, maybe not time, but i had more energy and desire to live it up the way i was doing then.

before this party, i had not gone to a party in about a year or so. and i hadnt been drinking except for sangria, and i certainly hadnt been partaking in the herbs.

the pomegranate margarita hit me hard, but not as hard as the stuff i smoked with my gay exhusband and his partner of 18 years. (we were never married, but we played one at the school we worked at...so much fun then.)

and we are old now, so we wanted to leave two hours into the whole thing. not because it wasnt fun, but i think it was mostly the newness of it all. for me, it was anyway.

but it was so good to see people from my past, great people who are beautiful and funny and just loving feelings. ive always been fortunate with people i meet, and im so grateful again that i lost 400 lbs.

people said that i hadnt changed, and that felt really sweet. just because i feel like i look, and i was hoping it shows.

i got home by 11. the ten minute drive home was painful. i sat on the couch, unable to move, until i had to get my ass into bed.

this morning, i met an amazingly knowledgeable woman, and she told me many things after drinking her favorite brand of tea from ralphs. confirmed news i had been told before and illuminated me on things that i may have known but never acknowledged.

the best thing? she said that i had no black spades. and she loved that.

when roca called this afternoon to discuss the party last night, i told her that i had fun, but it was kind of relearning being in social situations.

wait, what do you mean relearning? dont you go out?

um...i do. but i havent gone to a party in such a long time.

what do you do on the weekends?

hang out at home, do yoga, hang with my son...and in the past five months, had a 200 lb loser in my life. i dont regret it because i learned from him, but it was a waste of time...

~*~*~

and so, i wonder what i do on my weekends.

after being in a masters program for two and a half years, i welcome doing nothing. i welcome not having plans, letting days unfold or pass without doing much. its all about quality now, and not quantity.

i have a kid, and when w ended it, he wrote, you have a great son, he needs you.

and i do, and he does. so ive been pretty tame being a mother, being home. not that we are ever in the same room, except when we watch movies, but i know he likes it when im here.

hes made comments when i was hanging out alot outside of the house.

im relieved of the burden of dividing my time between my son and another, and i like it that way. i love that my time is my own, but when im in a relationship, i feel tense and anxious about how to enjoy time with him without feeling as if im spending time with my son as well.

the bottom line is this. i went out a lot before. i played hard, not as hard as others, but hard enough. and now, its time to play a different game.

im cocooning in my sanctuary without an invisible string that had been tied around my neck for the last six months. that string has been cut, severed, burned at the edges and will never be useful again in my life. for which i am so grateful and lucky.

~*~*~

im better alone.

until i meet the one. which will be soon, i suppose. so until then, id like to get as much me time in with the boy.

im not in my 30s anymore. and thats so fine by me.

my life now, my space now, my mindset now...these are all good things.

the power of now.

fortunate

sometimes, i sit and feel the fortune bestowed upon my life.

i have an amazing family that is full of love. friends and coworkers who are such beautiful energy. opportunities to grow and love and experience life. talent and treasures that i want and crave to share with others. a strong spiritual and faith in God, in humanity, and within me.

and i have a job that i love. i work with people who love me and who i love.

case in point. briblo, who earned coach of the year in acadeca, has had a harmless, boyish crush on me since we became friends about two years ago. hes a bit of an odd person, socially, and my peeps in the freshman center all look at me with awe whenever he comes in and talks to me.

the beginning part of the year caused strain in our friendship, but im glad we didnt give up. before christmas vacation, he wrote to me a beautiful letter about second chances and with it came ghirardelli chocolates.

yesterday, he bounced into my office and brought me a piece of cheesecake, and whispered, this is for you. im allowed to have favorites.

angu said to me after he left, woman, he has a crush on you.

i know.

you should have seen him earlier when he came in and was looking for you. he looked so sad you werent here. and when he gave that cake to you, he walked away quickly like a cheerleader who was just kissed by a football player. sorry, girl, but in this scenario, youre the football player.

theres nothing on my part. hes not my type, and hes married to a fucking crazy, bipolar woman who gave me such scary vibes when she came in last week. briblo is just a sweet man who may have a bit of aspergers. just an observation, i am not an expert at all.

earlier yesterday, i bumped into carlo, and we walked to his room. i love going there. he has a bunch of art work and art books, and i feel so close to who i am as an artist when im in there. ive told him before that when i want to escape my office and find art, i go to him.

i told him about my meeting with my new ap (its not official, but i feel i should get used to the idea).

he said, thats a tough area.

i know. but ive never worked with that population before, so i think this will be a great experience. i dont see myself working there long enough to have a building named after me. ill stay until my son graduates in a year.

yeah, theres no reason you should have to stay forever because the economy will pick up, and then you can apply. hows your son doing in school?

remarkably well, especially when hes got football, orchestra, and honors and ap classes.

does he know where he wants to go?

we are hoping up north, but carlo, we went to san diego this past weekend, and i fell in love all over again.

what does your son want to study?

he doesnt know yet.

well, there are lots of art schools all around the northwest that will consider early admissions.

i dont think hes an art person. he plays the violin, but he doesnt have enough passion to study it.

and as he was listening, he lifts his left hand to his hair, and i spot a symbol that i have found attractive on a man: a silver or maybe platinum wedding band.

carlo, youre married?

oh, yeah. i got married a few weeks ago.

congratulations!

thank you. it was small, friends and family. i dont think anyone at work knows. i tend to keep it separate from my personal life.

i completely understand.

hes a private person. hes got a quiet demeanor, and when we went to the afi screening with the students a few months back, i got to see him laugh and make jokes, and i knew that i liked him as a person. he great with the kids, not too overly involved but shows tremendous support and encouragement. im going to miss him.

later on in the afternoon, i went to visit serga. when he opened his door, he said, come in.

no, lets hang out here.

okay. i saw you coming, so i prepared some stuff for the students to do.

ah, i like a man who is prepared.

eventually, we went inside, and he was so giddy. it was really cute. i love the way he is around me: sweet, self concious, sexy...all at once. i know how that feels, to be excited by energy, and its been awhile since i felt this way.

but i dont feel that way around him. marmu thinks i should just do him and get it over with. i dont. i like this right now. i like how he tries so hard to impress me, and i like how i let him.

i was looking at some math papers he had on his desk, and he said to me, do this.

uh, you know, im not good at math.

i know...youre the english queen, i can tell by the letters you wrote to me...

letters?

notes. i mean, the notes that you wrote. youre good at that, but im the math guy.

yes, you are.

so, i attempted to do this problem. i forgot what he called it, but its higher level...for me, anyway. after a few moments, i gave up, not because i couldnt do it, but because he could show me a faster way.

he came over to me and said to me in his accent, howre you doing?

show me how to do this.

okay. step back. now youre going to find me even more sexy.

and he showed me. and yes, it was very sexy to learn from a man. i love that hes a math guy, that hes got skills in analyzing numbers. its been a long time since ive been exposed to that.

and then, i had to go. it was a busy day, and i wanted to be prepared for next week.

will you be back to visit me? serga asked.

yes. i start work for real on monday.

okay. so, youll come then?

um...yes...ill try. promise.

okay.

as i walked away from him, i turned around to find him watching me.

~*~*~

i love having a job that affords me time off when everyone else is at work.

but im preparing myself for an adventure filled with hard, yet rewarding opportunity at a new school, so when my son has spring break, im going to take a few days off and go up with him to sf.

because right now, there is a strong internal battle being waged about where i want to plant roots.

sf is where ive always wanted to live, always, since i was there the first time and then the last. i love the energy, the culture, the city, the bridge, the park, the arts, this amazing spot, and how i feel when im there.

i feel alive, energized, renewed, motivated, free, artistic, sexy.

however, when i was there, i felt the energy was too draining, the city too busy, the park too large...and i needed to find a way to gather myself back.

and then, san diego last weekend somehow captured my essence again, and i found myself regaining a sense of me that had been missing for a long time. perhaps maybe since forever.

san diego has a different vibe: slow, relaxed, exciting, clean, refreshing, healing, simple.

i love the beaches, the families who take their little kids there, the development of the downtown area, the art galleries and culture that seems to be all over, the weather, the ocean, the cost of living is less than sf, the close proximity to family.

perhaps, thats the bottom line for me. family comes first and foremost. thats the deciding factor.

so, sd it is.

~*~*~

soup and cinema tonite.

cant wait.

this year, i love the season of lent.

reflections and forty one by forty two

im here still at work waiting for 445 pm before i can leave. dont ask, and i wont tell. the details are boring anyway.

ive been getting some compliments lately on how great my hair looks. personally, i think its the whole losing 400 lbs thing, but they focus on the hair.

i love my hair. mostly because its the thing that people (all ages, all sizes, both sexes) notice and compliment me on. currently, im using burts bees shampoo and conditioner: this one and this one.

they smell delicious, and i love how nice and light my hair has become.

okay, so people are also acknowledging how happy i am. which i really am. i thank God every morning and every time i realize how fortunate i am to be rid of people in my life who are toxic. it hurts, believe me, but there is such a profound difference now that im surrounding myself with such beautiful people.

i cannot imagine how my life would be any other way. right now, at this moment, i feel so rich and so happy and so completely pleased.

the two times i went to this amazingly peaceful place, i felt a serenity i have never felt before. and both times, it was at the end of the times with the tat artist.

i think being there and praying really moved my life along this path. the first time i was there, i stayed for two hours, sitting quietly in a temple, then by the lake and writing in my journal, and finally, at the chapel. in those three places, my meditation was the same: may i be safe and protected. may i be pleased and contented. may my physical body support me with strength. may my life unfold smoothly and with ease.

it was beautiful. painful at times, but more lovely than anything.

i cannot and will not go back to that life. i will not settle for less. i will not allow that again.

in those dark nights, i was obsessed with reading a book whose words were a comfort and a salve. i had attempted to read this book before. it was in the days of hell at the occupational center, after the exbf had left and before i had started my masters program.

if youve never picked that book up, i swear it is a true help.

another book that helped me was a gift from cricue for my birthday. this wonderful little guide really saved me, i believe. it was amazing meditating and feeling and seeing light, knowing that it isnt by accident, but really by message.

~*~*~

on my birthday, before my massage, i sat down at starbucks and wrote a forty one by forty two list. one day, when im less busy or when im so inclined, like when i go to san francisco with my son during his spring break, im going to cross off what ive done on the forty by forty one list.

so, here we go.

on spirituality:
1. meditate and pray everyday
2. find grace in the ordinary
3. go to lake shrine once a month
4. buy a bible and memorize my favorite gospels
5. be aware of love and light
6. diminish how often ego runs my life
7. love freely
8. let go and let God

on creativity:
9. travel without destination
10. photograph 5 families for pay
11. set up website
12. complete project 365
13. back up files everyday
14. play
15. take art classes
16. experiment

on home, health, and finances:
17. save $15,000 without touching it
18. do yoga at least 3 times a month
19. cook healthy food
20. clean and get rid of clutter
21. be mindful of what comes into my space and my being
22. buy a bedroom and dining room set
23. prepare for moving
24. walk more than sit or drive

on me:
25. find a style
26. love and be loved
27. laugh more
28. have self-control over temper
29. continue therapy
30. open up without losing myself
31. be gentle and loving with myself
32. believe in my beauty and talent

on humanity:
33. volunteer for habitat for humanity
34. volunteer for 826la or another group
35. spend more time with family
36. continue being compassionate and helpful
37. practice being nonjudgmental
38. do portraits for those in need
39. be present
40. donate talent and treasure

always:
41. live life fearlessly, peacefully, generously, gracefully, healthily, eagerly, compassionately, mindfully, playfully, fiercely, fully

quicksand

gaya said to me today, youre glowing.

we had been talking about the 400 lbs i lost (you know, the two fatty crazy bitches from my past), and she was listening with such restraint because i know what she wanted to do, what all my friends wanted to do: they wanted to eliminate the 400 lbs with words and curses.

but i wont allow it.

it isnt because im a saint; in fact, im not going to play the victim here. i had been the one on the other side of inflicting pain to someone, and now, i know how he mustve felt.

i wont allow curses because the 400 lbs are worthless and useless. theyre negative energy, and i dont want my friends infused with that.

so, i ask for them to let it go. because i have. thats the easy part.

its the withdrawals that i hate.

next time, gaya says, dont waste your time on people like these. you know, youre very sensitive and compassionate, and i know you want to help them, but theyre quicksand, m, and you deserve so much more.

i know, gaya, i know.

i mean, youre very well off ending the friendships with the sister and that. what is wrong with them?

i dont know. i dont care. theyre gone. no need to bring them back in my life. and you know, i saw the signs with him. i wont even tell you because i feel such shame to know that i was willing to be with that fucktard.

youre glowing. you look so good now, such a peace.

yes, i feel it. i dont feel anxious at all. i feel so good.

people like them are quicksand to you. theyll pull you in, and itll be hard for you to get out of it. so dont even get involved with them in the beginning. of course itll hurt for awhile, but this is the best thing thats happened to you.

dear God, yes, it is.

you look good now.

and i told her that i firmly believe that our essence is imprinted on our faces and bodies, and that the only explanation i have when i find someone inexplicably beautiful without the conventions of beauty through the eyes of society is this: their beauty from within is oozing out.

my glow isnt because of anything other than ive found a peace in my life again. peace that replaces the anxiety i suffered through the past six months. peace in the acceptance that i had to learn a lesson and when the lesson was learned, it had to end this way.

i surrender to that belief.

and i know when serga told me last week that i looked happy even though i had just lost the 400 lbs, it was because i was happy...or on my way to being there again.

~*~*~

im not going to be celibate again. i need to have some great sex because that last one was pretty dismal. but lets not go there.

i dont want to go all out and be random about this. but i do wish one thing: i wish that sexy man who is my number one on a long list of lovers would call.

this is crazy. i havent spoken to him in so long, but he was the best lover ive had ever.

it was his voice that got to me, and the way he wrote sealed the deal. i loved it.

but of course, he was busy and i was busy, and maybe we just didnt have time for each other because we didnt want to make time. or maybe he was involved with another like i was involved with w...

doesnt matter. that was the past.

~*~*~

so.

today, i went to my new school. is that arrogant to say? my new school? my new school? my new school?

i went there. its in the hood. its close to where w lived. and it isnt poly.

i was interviewed by the ap i will be working with, the principal, the ap of curriculum and instruction, and the dean.

it was smooth, and i was answering the questions as if angels were putting words in my mouth. it was amazing.

the last thing the principal asked me was, do you think g.lo will release you in july?

i guess we shall see.

and God said, enough

because it had been really. surely, i knew deep down that it was never going to work, but i couldnt do anything about it.

so God stepped in.

and i surrender.

~*~*~

six months later, and i feel a peace that had been missing since. i feel a happiness thats from within and a deep acceptance and understanding of what has transpired.

this is my natural state these days. it wasnt before.

and God said, enough.

its time now. its enough.

i have changed. i have become more spiritual, meditating and visualizing, shielding and clearing.

i think it happened on my 41st birthday. it was a great birthday, the best ive had, and i let go of the past that night.

well, it was really a few days earlier, though it took me a few days after to really let it go, strings and all.

my wonderful friend left a comment on the last post.

she wrote: i know from first hand experience that swift kicks in the butt can be a blessing, an expression of Gods grace.

grizzbabe, thank you so much for reminding that it is because of Gods grace that im in this space. this is where i have to be right now, and its so temporary, a pit stop of sorts.

my pattern of healing consists of shutting out the world, of communicating with God and loving the mysteries. i need silence, need to process, need to love myself.

and as for swift kicks, well, thats another of my patterns. it takes a shakeup to really wake me up. i ignore signs and gut feelings, but now, its time to trust my instincts.

right now, my instinct tells me that im on the right path, that im happier now than i would have been before, and that im moving towards something spectacular.

~*~*~

tomorrow, i meet with my new ap and principal.

i love this time of new beginnings. its being so blissfully ignorant about things and using the excuse that im new to the school so i dont know whats going on.

theres also some stress to it, too, of course. being blissfully ignorant only lasts so long, well, the blissful part anyway. i know there will be challenges, but there will also be such rewards.

rewards in the form of new friends, new crushes, new ideas, new projects, new energies. there will be lasting friendships made, and i pray that these friends are very different from the ones i ejected from my life.

new ideas and projects to keep me refreshed and feeling alive. hopefully, less programming and more program management.

and perhaps, this is where i am to belong to, at least for a little while.

~*~*~

san diego was beautiful, and i missed it. i miss living there. i miss the ocean, the families with kids who go to the beaches.

and i love the awesome development of the downtown area, smaller neighborhoods popping up all over the place. i love that.

i love the beautiful weather and the healing powers of the city that i left so many years ago.

cleansing

as soon as i found out, i deleted information, gifts, flowers...anything that would remind me of either of them.

and the last week had been so hard, especially at night, when i could sleep for only two to four hours. on a good note, the appetite was gone, so im looking good. a little.

the boy and i went to san diego from friday to sunday, and it was a blast.

~*~*~

let me take you back the last week, so you and i will remember what will soon be forgotten.

on monday, i was sent a text message by her to check my email. and when i checked it, i scanned over words that were pelting me like burning hail, and when i called her, she didnt pick up.

neither did the coward.

so, i called mariav, and she tried to console me. i was ballistic and in shock, crying and stinging from such deep betrayal. mariav said to me, m, you dont need to cry anymore.

and i havent since.

next, i went to shels, and she let me say as little or as much as i needed, and she fed me soup. then we went to the most fucking boring two hour sierra club photography talk. this was was painful. i mean, i wanted to leave, i felt and looked like shit, but i needed to be there.

i also talked to m that night. he was really sweet and sexy.

but the night and my gratitude belongs to j. i called him on my way to shels house, and he just comforted me by not asking any questions and talking about all kinds of other mindless shit. he had to work that night, so i messaged him. he was so sweet and really present for me.

tuesday, it was my childs 17th birthday. i introduced him to dmb, and she was smitten with him. then we went to dinner. he ate what i couldnt finish, which was mostly what i ordered: tortilla soup and salad.

i also went back to work that day, and the math guy gave me such an ego boost. i needed it that day. ill save this for another post. it doesnt belong on this one.

wednesday, cricue said some words that comforted me and made me believe that i am on the right path. this had to happen.

God said, enough, m.

i needed to end this for so long, but i couldnt. the caretaker ego in me needed to take care of him and his illness. i knew i couldnt, but i also couldnt walk away.

and so i was pushed, kicked hard in the ass out the door.

bc when God says enough, He means it.

thursday, i had dinner with vansa and dapel. it was awesome to tell them what happened because they were so sweet and understanding. we drank sangria, had appetizers, and i had schpatzel at my favorite restaurant that i take all of my friends to.

~*~*~

and so on friday, my son and i took off for sd.

we were having lunch with the redhaired boy, who has always been my best friend. he called me so many times because the boy and i had to take so many detours because of the construction in dtsd.

when we got to the restaurant, he hugged the boy. a note: when i told the redhaired boy i had a son, he wrote me a letter. in it, he said that if i wanted to give this child a name, he would marry me and that he thought that he would be the father of my firstborn.

i declined because i will only marry for love, and besides, the boys father would have lost it. i was in love with the boys father so deeply then.

at the restaurant, the redhaired boy asked for a table outside. the restaurant was across from the harbor, across from the midway ship that was memorable in december, across from the amazing view of the water. he sat down, got up, and said, change places with me.

why?

because i want you to see the view.

no, im fine here.

no, switch.

so we did. then while we were looking at the menu, he said, im going to ask to sit inside.

why?

because youre cold.

no.

yes, you are. i can tell.

is it my nipples?

we moved inside. the conversation was sweet and business. it was all about the boy, what he liked and what he wanted to do and what school he wanted to go to. the redhaired boy is so detail oriented, and i could tell my son was losing interest. i had to kick him under the table because i can see him looking away.

we reminisced. heres the thing. this is what the redhaired boy doesnt remember, but i wanted to remind him again. when we were at ucsd, i found out that i wasnt going to be eligible for financial aid because i was considered an out of state student even though i moved to la for my senior year to establish residency. because i was a minor at the time of my move, ucsd considered me an adult on my 18th birthday, so a year from that date, i would be eligible for in state tuition and aid.

i didnt have the three thousand bucks to cough up for tuition for the quarter, let alone have the damned rent and expenses. i wanted to quit. so i locked myself in the bathroom and cried. the redhaired boy didnt know what was going on, so he was worried.

i told him that i was leaving school, dropping out, and moving back to la or even chicago (i think it was chicago), and he said, no.

yes. i have to go. i dont have the money to pay for this school.

he took me for a walk to a beach he had heard of from the night surfers in his dorm. the mile walk down was so exhilarating. the fauna was luscious, the walk healing, and the beach breathtaking. i sat on a rock, while he walked around. i watched a couple playing frisbee, noting how amazing the mans swimming trucks matched his body color to the tee.

and then he turned around. and i saw something else besides the frisbee floating. it was his penis.

this was a nude beach. i laughed so hard. and i snapped out of the dumb unreality of leaving school. and my grandmother gave me the money to cover the cost.

if the redhaired boy hadnt said no and hadnt taken me for that walk, i wouldve dropped out. i know this as fact.

the lunch ended too soon...i wanted to stay there longer, but he had to go to work. he took the morning off to hang with his son who had the day off from school.

he was giving us suggestions as to what to do while in sd...touristy shit that i hate, but i took his advice on one thing: take the ferry to coronado.

~*~*~

saturday was difficult.

i couldnt shake those two fatty bitches from my mind.

so, my son and i watched movies, and i read and wrote. a lot. it had been ages. and i used a new journal.

it was part of my grieving process, you know? i wanted to hurt, i wanted to feel that pain so that i could leave it there, in sd, the city that comforts and heals me.

i had to make peace with the situation because i know what i gained when i lost them, and i hope they know what they lost when they chose each other.

still. it was very difficult.

~*~*~

sunday, the day people celebrated with love was very nice.

we went back to torrey pines reserve where i picked up rocks the last time i was there with the tat artist in december. i took the rocks back to the beach, and i picked new ones.

this is part of the cleansing.

i sat on a rock, and i felt the sun on my face, and i prayed for healing. for peace. for forgiveness. for patience.

and i thanked God for this pain, for letting me feel again, for letting me learn the lesson i needed to learn.

and then we drove home.

~*~*~

and today, i wrote the fatty girl bitch a letter.

it was the last piece of the puzzle that i needed to do to get them completely out of my life.

it was a good letter, not emotional at all. in fact, it was clear and concise, which makes my words dangerous.

i read it and reread it. its harsh without name calling. its direct without blame.

i said what i had to say, and now, its enough.

a sigh of relief

i feel cleansed. i feel healthier.

this is a new start for the new and wonderful people coming into my life.

i cannot wait.