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| random shot june 2009 |
i am exhausted today, and it is hot. if we had clouds like the one up above, we would not be burning up.
but tomorrow, things will go back to the kind of weather i like: cool, dark, threats of rain. that should last about a week.
*****
the past few days (hell, years), i have been in purgatory about my career.
i met an art director recently who i spoke to about my need to have more of a creative job, doing something with paint or photography or words.
he likes the way i write, he says, and it reaffirms what i wanted to do in an alternate universe: document lives through words and images.
i need time to go away. hang out in some small beach town for a week or four and just let go.
its time.
ive been meaning to do this for some time now, and something always gets in the way.
*****
the school year is ending, and i am happy.
a week ago, i had my post evaluation meeting with my ap. she was very generous and accurate about her observations, but lets face it...its total bullshit. she mentioned that she was writing it up so that anyone who reads the review will want to pick me up for a position.
i gave her my thanks and told her my appreciation. i vented to her that there were people on staff who were entitled assholes and were confrontational to the point that their negativity permeated throughout. of course i wasnt this blunt. i was careful and diplomatic.
hey, we all play games.
she told me that she wanted to keep me on board as a teacher, but if and when the other counselor got another job, i would be put in that position.
joy.
i was very grateful, but there are just some people here who i could not bear to work with again, and i was in this zone of leaving at the end of the school year. i had started saying good bye.
to be honest, i was looking forward to leaving. while i had a pretty good run here, i hated the drive and some of the people, and i do not want to be a teacher.
on monday, my ap came to tell me that she worked out numbers and that i would be back next year.
i was deflated. i put on a brave smile. i thanked her. i asked her for which position. she said teacher, but after that, who knew. i felt so unhappy. and hopeless. again.
i spoke to damis about this. i told her that i trusted only her, and i asked her to keep it confidential. she agreed. shes the one i feel closest to, especially since shes the only one who gets my jokes. the sexual innuendo ones.
*****
update: its a been a few days since i touched this.
yesterday was hellish. i had problems with two students...but today.
today was delicious.
i love my kids.
they love me.
its teachers appreciation week, and i told them that for me, its been teacher appreciation year.
im receiving cards they made from other classes, and i wonder what i did to deserve such love.
perhaps its because i love them, too.
*****
and speaking of love.
i wonder what the Heavenly Father wants of me next.
when i think of staying here, i feel a knot in my stomach that really makes me physically ill.
i dont know if i want to be in education anymore...
but ill tell you this, and i know how cheesy it is: when i see evidence of learning, of loving, of wanting to be in school, of wanting to learn, of sharing their lives with me, i dont want to do anything else.
*****
and i am in love with a man.
he is so wonderfully patient and generous, and i learn from him every day. his voice commands my body, and i respond to him in many ways.
he makes me feel so fulfilled, so fortunate, so incredibly alive.
he makes me feel alive.
he makes me feel.
i am in love.
and so, here we are. making plans for the summer to spend a glorious week together.
then we will see from there.
*****
Dear God,
thank You for letting this year unfold, always at the last minute, always at Your Divine time. thank You for bringing out the best in me, for being so amazingly loving, for the way You communicate with me.
i am humbled by Your love, Father God, humbled by Your deep love.
please, Father, please bring me to my highest self.
in Jesus' name.
amen.
