open doors

la jolla, ca july 2013

when it ended with the exbf, i never thought id meet anyone like him.

i prayed for some of his characteristics to be found in a new man:  his love for me, his devotion, his loyalty, his old soul, his perseverance.

and i searched for him in every man that came after, but i never found him again.

so, time allowed me to forget him, to fall asleep without hearing his voice, to be independent, to be strong when i felt like i was falling.

for years, i was happy.

i felt a sense of relief when he and i ended.  i knew that there was more that i wanted, that if i had stayed with him, i would be settling.

despite what dines wanted to fight for (staying together), i let it go.  when he found someone else, i was so hurt, but i knew that it was for the best, and i secretly thanked her for loving him the way i could and would never.

*****
today, i want to honor rtw who has become a man who i will search for in others.

i do not want to.  i think he is perfect in his own right and had he known i was saying this, he would fight me against it, but im right.

he is perfect.  he is a good man, he is a good father, and someday, he will be a good partner.

i fucking hate the detective for being right.  the last time he and i hung out, he said it would take rtw some time to fight his demons.  he asked me if i was willing to wait.

fuck him for his wisdom.  fuck him for knowing what i would be facing because he had gone through it before.  fuck him for this fucking prophecy.

*****
rtw is the new standard.

i loved so many things about him, and i will always wonder how life would have been with him.

and this christmas, i want nothing for myself, but everything for my family, friends, and those who have less than i do.

for them, i wish for an abundance of peace, of health, of love, and of light.

for them, i wish for never ending joy, understanding of what is important, and wonderful times.

for them, i wish for goodness, forgiveness, happiness.

*****
i have accepted that i will probably never meet anyone with whom my soul will rest, but still.

i watch young couples holding hands, older couples walking slowly and leaning on each other, married couples acknowledging each other with a touch, and i want that for myself.

however, its just not in my life plan.  i still do hold hope in my heart that maybe someday, i wont be so fucked up.  that i wont mess up.  that i choose wisely.

i have to trust that i am worthy, that i am worthy of love, that i am worthy of a healthy relationship.

but i am so resistant.

*****
see that pic up there?

took it when i was on a great trip this past summer.

i shared parts of my life that are so important to my heart.

it took five months for me to be able to edit those pics because i wasnt confident that i could keep it together if i relived any of the pieces of that trip.

i wish i could share the pics with him, but i cant open that door again.

somehow, someway, it has to remain shut.

christmas eve eve

chinese garden huntington library + gardens san marino, ca dec 2013

winter break began nicely with no trauma, no drama, and no crazy mamas.  the kids this year are so nice, and im going to make sure they stay that way.

it was a bit hectic last friday with sending out gifts and cards to those who didnt expect it.  i love the look on their faces when i handed them something small.  just being remembered is enough, i think, but i gave out inexpensive yet thoughtful stuff this year.  if i had been better prepared, id have given out to more.  i wanted to target the custodians and the secretaries, those who do so much but get paid shit.

*****
i received some great stuff, too.  but it doesnt matter what they were.  just being included is so much more than necessary.  the tokens are just that, but the thought is really what matters to me.

my favorite gift is one from mogan who gifted me with some girl scout leaves.  i love that guy so much.  hes always been so down to earth with me, esp my first year there.  i think he was surprised that i partake in the green, but when he realized i was genuine, he shared with me how he started.

during bic, he asked for apples, so the kids who work for me gave him some, and on friday, during friends friday in the boys pe, he served me a cup of apple cider that he made.  so fucking good.  i could barely taste the poison, it was that good.

i got home around 7:00 pm that nite, and i was exhausted.  the drive was a bit daunting, but not as bad as other nites.

i ate dinner, and i smoked some of the gsl.  i love the smell of good marijuana, and i reveled in the scent.  it was strong.  it knocked me out from 7:30 pm til about 1:00 am, then i fell asleep around 4:30 am and woke again at 10:00 am saturday morning.

dreams were a bit crazy that nite.  one included the man i had loved for the last year or so.  we were happy, taking pictures, driving and stopping along the way.  it was beautiful.  and it was hard to wake from it.

*****
i got ready to meet shel to hang out for the winter solstice at huntington library + gardens.  we shared a membership, and i got a $20 discount for being an educator.  it was the best $100 i spent on myself...well, okay, $50 because we split it.

i loved this membership.  i had it before, and i get to take someone for free.  i used it to hang with my aunt and grandmother, with gaya, and even just myself.

its about ten minutes from my house, but being there is like being in another world.  literally.  one day, im going to go alone and photograph the hell out of it, and then ill post the pics.

the art is amazing.  there is an exhibit on junipero serra and his trek to establish missions.  there are so many gardens that exist in this place:  a chinese garden, a japanese garden, a california garden, and flowers and plants from other countries.  i cannot marvel enough about this place, and driving there on saturday, my mind did a funny little thing as it always does:  it made my heart yearn for that man i loved and wished i had taken him here.

i will take full advantage of this membership, i need to commune with nature, and there are places there to write.  i remember one saturday sitting in the chinese gardens, overlooking the pond, and writing.

which is what shel and i did.  we spoke about our words for the year.  i think ive limited mine down to two, after much prayer.  i woke up today from a dream speaking about self-love.  so that will be one.  and the other is discipline.

she also asked about my situation with men, and i told her how it had ended last monday.  she was shocked. i am, too, to be honest, but it was time to let go.  i love him, but.  i mean, if there has to be that three letter word at the end of something so grand, then its time to let go.  i am still so tender about it, but i feel released from him.  i believe that he felt it, too, that the time has come, and he let go as well.

*****
we had dinner, then we said our good byes, and then i came home and smoked.

i loved it.  but again, i fell asleep at 9:00 pm and woke up somewhere around 4:00 am, and i was groggy being in and out of sleep.

yesterday was spent relaxing and then going to church with shel and having soup and salad after.

*****
the guy from nyc wanted to chat last nite, but i wasnt home, so that was that.

the guy who lives in a loft who i met years ago asked when we can hang out again.  im so not interested. nice guy, a bit older, but i remember that it was not pleasant to be with him physically.

havent heard from the texan, which i am so relieved about.  hes an energy vampire, and i hope hes met someone lovely.

*****
christmas will be different this year.  my son and i will spend it together, eating and watching a movie.

theres just no tradition in this family, and it saddens me.

so in the spirit of self-love, i will avoid anything sad this season.

theres just no need for it.

on a sunday

had breakfast with shel before church, and we talked about photography.  i am so inspired by her dedication to pursue a career in photography.

our styles are different.  she wants to do boudoir, infant, and maternity.  i am more of a documentary photographer.  and portraits.

we talked about how i should do senior portraits because she says im great with kids, and i think id love that. do some shots at the beach or some nice area with grass.

i am so fortunate to be living here in this coast because lets face it, every day is wicked beautiful.  except on friday when it rained for a few hours.  it was so minor, but the news made it seem so fucking heavy.

if we got an inch, id be impressed.  im sure it was nothing more than that.

so, it got me thinking when shel suggested senior portraits.  its something i want to tackle.  she gave me an assignment to open a pintrest account and pin some good pics.

i really try to avoid social media, but ive been toying with the idea of getting twitter, just because i come up with some shit that i want to share, but no one seems appropriate.

and really, i would just be documenting for me and no one else, so we shall see.

i refuse to get a facebook unless i pursue senior portraits.

maybe do lifestyle photography.  its as close to photojournalism as i can get right now.

*****
friday nite, i photographed van's parent's 50th wedding anniversary, and my best shots - the money shots - were of these two little ones.  they were precious.

i was so grateful for the lighting, which produced a great effect.  but when the lights dimmed, it was all blue and shit.  but whatever.

this family is so amazing.  nice, compassionate, accepting.  i think thats the problem with my family.  we are so judgemental, and i have to catch myself when i start being that way.

there were so many people there, a true testament to their marriage and their love for not only each other but to others, including me.

it makes me weep happy tears.

*****
this november was really hard on me.

i was battling some feelings of anxiety and depression, and i fucking refuse, refuse, to allow it in my life. primarily, i believe it was because i skipped two weeks of yoga, and secondarily, i was having a struggle with the time change and the cold.

but cold is a relative term for the weather here, i know.

its cold in the east coast, but again, relative.  because its always frozen in antarctica.

anyway, this past month was a fucking ass kicker.  more specifically, my ass.  but i spoke with some people, and they were in some sort of struggle themselves.

*****
i am in transition.

i feel as if i am shedding parts of me, parts of my life, that no longer serve me, and even though i am grateful, it is involuntary, and it fucking sucks sometimes.

my primary shedding is financial.  totally involuntary, but needed in order to grow and allow for new abundances.  and i feel that there will be a financial boon coming to me.  i dont know from where, but thats not up to me to decide.  i just have to put it out there, be grateful for its arrival, and wait.

my feelings regarding money have evolved as well.  i have finally embraced that money is not bad, that its good, that it serves purposes that i need to have served, that it is the blind pursuit and love of it above all else that is purely evil.

but why label?  it is what it is.

this is what i believe.  and i dont know how i know, but i do.

perhaps its from meditaion.  not that im hardcore or fully mindful, but i participated in the 21-day meditation, courtesy of oprah and deepak.

*****
what else have i shed?

oh, yes.

some lbs.  not much, but some.  i have been eating salad, not necessarily because i want to, but i crave it so.

the one from a certain fast food chain is really good.  probably its because of the lite honey vinaigrette dressing.  i only use half of it because the salad i get is pretty small.

i used to crave a chicken cobb from another fast food chain, but it was too much chicken for me.  and too much bacon.  and too much feta.  and too much egg.

i know.  i should just get the lettuce.

tjs has a fantastic bistro salad made of kale, edamame, cranberries, and almond slivers.  sooo fucking good.

at thanksgiving, my lovable yet highly critical grandmother told me that i lost weight.  it was pretty devastating since i planned to eat a whole lot of food since i hadnt eaten all day.

ironically, without intention, i could only shove half of what i put on my plate into my mouth.  thanks, grandma.  i mean that half sarcastically, and half with gratitude.  well, mostly with gratitude because who needs all that food in my frame?

my main goal is to be healthy.

my cousine came down and spent a weekend with us.  she is on a no carb diet.  i fucking admire her discipline.  she and my sister were all up on that shit.

i wish i can be that disciplined, but i dont have to be.  i dont eat as much carbs as they do.  i know this because 1) my diet consists of little amount of carbs, 2) i do not have a sweet tooth (except for a few days of the month), 3) i am addicted to rice.

its the filipina in me.

*****
so to update all y'all on the situation between me and rtw, ill begin by saying that i love that man.

i love his sense of humor, his musical tastes, his height, his awesome sexiness, his intelligence, his nerdiness, his book choices, his love of for his daughter, his goofiness, his imperfect perfection, his acceptance of me, his sweetness.

however.

i have to also accept somethings about him, such as him not saying he loves me (even though he acts like he does, i need to hear the words...im such a vagina sometimes), him not making plans to see each other, him not being free because of his little love, him still connected to the mother of his child (even though his divorce became final a few weeks ago), him not always communicating his feelings and thoughts (even though he says he tells me everything...i dont doubt that, but i need deeper sometimes), him being across the country, him saying that he doesnt know if hes missing out on something.

i have to just accept these things about him because i love him, but they hurt.

imagine dragons and other things

currently, i am loving demons, especially the last few seconds when they feature a fan who lost his life to cancer.

it makes me cry, this part, so i watch it again and again.

i love their music.

dapel sent me a video to watch.  radioactive.  i love that video, though theres nothing about it that makes sense to me.

whatever.

the guy is cute.

im on their pandora station now, and i kind of love it.  a lot.

*****
its a mess right now in my life.

just stuff settling down.

things falling around the shape of a love i once had.

this weekend, i wrote four pages in my hand written journal.

i respect and honor this man, and because of it, i will leave him alone.

and im sure hes moved on by now.

hes a good man.  he deserves someone who will love him.  and who he will love.

and it pains me to type that, and when i reread it in a few months, i hope the sting will be gone.

i wish i had the chance to take him to my sacred spaces in la when he was here, but i always felt that we would have time on another visit.

i showed him sf, carmel, the picturesque 1 freeway, pismo beach, and la jolla.

those days were magic, and i will hold on to them with fondness.

and driving down the coast and stopping along the way to marvel at God's majesty has been seared into my memory.

but i cannot live on those.

i need to move on.

i need to be grateful for the time we had, to be grateful that we had the time.

and i hope that he felt special as well.

every moment was for us.  designed especially for us.  given for us.

*****
i know that eventually feelings and memories fade, only to be replaced by the new and current ones.

this is why i write:  to preserve moments, even if the energy isnt as sharp as it was when they happened.  i like knowing that one day, i can sit under blankets and read about him.

motherfuck.

why the fuck do i have to be so fucking sentimental?

why the fuck does it hit me this way?

im hurting.

a piece of me is dying inside.

and i wake up reaching for him still.

dammit.

i promised myself id be gentle with my heart about this.  in the past, i moved on abruptly.  letting go and getting over it.  its perhaps because there was always someone else waiting in the wings.

but he?

i cant.  i envisioned a life with him.  will i feel stupid when i read back on this?

i dont care.

i dont regret having done this.  he was my reward for patiently waiting and not giving my heart away.  he was the one worth waiting for.

i loved him.

i still do.

its been so hard for me.

and i envy how quickly he moves forward.  how stoic and how unaffected he is.

but i remember my promise to myself to be kind and compassionate.

if i have to cry, i cry.

if i have to get angry, i allow it.

if i need time alone, i embrace it.

i wish i were built like him.

but sadly, im not.

time will heal me.

that and some music.

tgif:   mishmash edition

this week has been long and punishing.  last nite, i came home from a late nite at work and collapsed.  it was barely 10:00 pm, but i was nodding off at 9:30 pm.

im not even a morning person...im a known nite owl, but shit.  this job.  gggrrr.

the last three weeks here have been so awesome and fun.  coming back "home" has never been so welcoming and full of laughter.  new colleagues and good friends are blessings that i did not expect.  of course, there are some that still disgust me, but ill deal.

*****
tonite is my ex principals retirement party.  thank God its casual.  the original plan was shorts and flip flops since thats what he wears when he comes to visit, but it gets cold at nite, and by cold, i mean cold by southern cal standards.

its a cash bar, and itll be a long drive, so there wont be much alcohol consumption, but it depends.

we all really need to unwind, and i am all for letting loose, but im fucking exhausted.  im a bit apprehensive that ill fall asleep before i make it home.  and i dont want to spend the nite at anyones house.

*****
the guy who has a crush on me has a new nickname related to his (perceived, unproven) penis size.  soda can.  when eriven told me, i laughed so hard until she encouraged me to dispell the myth.

no, thanks.

soda can has been giddy lately.  i have to avoid him or distract him with students or something because he stares.

eriven was told by a mutual friend that soda can just want to fit in, and if that is so, then it takes time for that to happen.  it takes going through common shit.  it takes bonding or connecting or whatever.  but crushing isnt one of them.

hes cute, though.  real short, but cute.  sweet smile.  soft chocolate brown eyes.  warm smile.  and his laugh.  its more of a giggle.  but you know.  endearing and shit.

i dont really care.

its a past time.  its fun.  until it isnt fun anymore.

*****
life has been different lately.

in the process of grief, im at the anger phase again.  angry at myself for not confronting what the real problem is and being so fucking happy when he calls or writes.

things the last few days have been nice.  but its not the same.

there are some things that i need, that ive expressed, that he does not want to provide.

it saddens me that this is the same person.  i feel duped.  i feel like he was pretending.  thats the worst part. feeling like he was pretending to be someone he isnt so i can stay with him while he made the transition from being married to not.

i hate this, you know?  i hate that this man who i believed in, who i fell in love with, who i introduced to my family...well, i hate that this man isnt the one.

a long time ago, i was told by another principal that time is a tattle tale.  it reveals all of the secrets you keep hidden.

i use this as a guiding principle.  it has been proven time and time again.

*****
i dont know how to address this.

i compose beautifully explained letters in my mind.  i am clear then.

but when i attempt to put it down on paper or screen, i fail.

i come out jumbled.

i come out fragmented.

unsure.

confused.

and it fucking sucks.

because i am not.

*****
so, here i am, after having gotten off the phone with him, feeling like a fucking fraud.

it scares me that we are not addressing things, and im just as much to blame, but to be honest with you, im done trying.

im over crying.

i blame him for being passive aggressive, when i am, too.

you know?

this isnt working.  no, wait.  its too much work.  i dont want to do it anymore.

and i have no fear of being alone.  i dont want to meet anyone at all because i know that my ego will compare everyone to him.

again, the issue is letting go.

my mother passed this on to me. she stayed in a marriage longer than necessary, but she had her reasons, and i have decided to no longer judge her.  she did it for us, her kids, and who is to say that i havent done anything that contradicts my own personal credo for the sake of my son (i havent, i dont think).

*****
relationships are tricky.  add in geography and trust issues (mine), and there is just a whole ball of fun up in here.

he wrote to me how much it hurts that i dont trust him.

how can i trust someone who is treating me the same he treated his marriage partner?

his behavior is such a strong indication, and i am trying to change him by telling him how i feel.

i wish i had patience and gentleness, but i do not.

in fact, i have not exhibit resiliency in many relationships (maybe three times or five), and i certainly do not work on improving something when i know i have no intentions of making it work in the long run (the detective and the hiker).

but.

if i truly loved someone like a friend, then i wouldnt mind continuing the friendship.  it worked for awhile with the 29 year old and the detective, until their significant others put a halt to it.

and i dont blame them (the women), but there was no fear that anything would happen.

*****
so, again, my trust issues have surfaced, though for a long time, they were controlled.

i hate them.

i hate my issues of abandonment, of being cheated on, of jealousy.

they are so ugly, parts of me that make me self hate.  they are my shame, they are the krptonite to my confidence.

they dont own me, but they have a high investment on my psyche.

i dont label myself as being untrusting (or paranoid).

i dont label myself as jealous.

i dont label myself as shameful.

i dont label myself as having been cheated on (it only happened once, technically, by the red haired boy, and he confessed everything).

so, what is it?

my father.

*****
but i have forgiven him.

i know this in my heart and in my mind and in my soul.

and this forgiveness is unconditional and defined by my love for him and by the love God has for me.

it has been liberating, to be honest.

i couldnt talk to him before, not even small talk.  but now, its all good.  i dont feel uneasy around him.

and my motto has always been:  do it first to another before he does it to you.

fucked.  up.

and it has worked.

but.

i need to change that.  i want to.  i have to.

*****
he is a good man.

perhaps we have walked together as far as we needed to, and i need to let go now.

perhaps we were meant to have walked in my sacred spaces.

to have allowed me to uncover layers of me that i never have with others.

but i do not want to tiptoe around or disregard issues in order to keep the peace.  we are both so non confrontational, but there was a time he made me face him (figuratively) and address things.  i loved him for that.

i just thought and hoped and took forgranted that it would continue.  time, you know, is a tattletale, and perhaps he never was this man i made him out to be.

but i never did that.

i never, not once, asked or expected for him to change.  in fact, it was the first time in my life that i really accepted a man for who he is, and i thought that that would be enough.

but i realize that i need more.

i need romance.

i need touch.

i need to know that he thinks of me.

i need to know that he loves me.

and lately, i have gotten none.

and ive been overcompensating for it.

im a fool.

and i dont want to be that anymore.

*****
the texan has been persistent.

calls.  emails.

his profession of interest has been so strong that it is offputting, and i find myself resenting him for not being the man who i wish pursued me.

and i resent the man who i love because he isnt pursuing me.

i ask myself why i cant just answer his calls or his emails.

and it is because it will open up a flood of falsehood.

he will hope for what can never be.

and i will feel obligated to talk to him so that i wont hurt his feelings.

i cant do that anymore.

*****
i have to start winding down the day so i can drive to the party.

i wish i had it in me to get fucking drunk, but you know.

these are my colleagues.

and im not 30 anymore.

so.

this felt good.

tgif.

and so it is...

random shot june 2009

i am exhausted today, and it is hot.  if we had clouds like the one up above, we would not be burning up.

but tomorrow, things will go back to the kind of weather i like:  cool, dark, threats of rain.  that should last about a week.

*****
the past few days (hell, years), i have been in purgatory about my career.

i met an art director recently who i spoke to about my need to have more of a creative job, doing something with paint or photography or words.

he likes the way i write, he says, and it reaffirms what i wanted to do in an alternate universe:  document lives through words and images.

i need time to go away.  hang out in some small beach town for a week or four and just let go.

its time.

ive been meaning to do this for some time now, and something always gets in the way.

*****
the school year is ending, and i am happy.

a week ago, i had my post evaluation meeting with my ap.  she was very generous and accurate about her observations, but lets face it...its total bullshit.  she mentioned that she was writing it up so that anyone who reads the review will want to pick me up for a position.

i gave her my thanks and told her my appreciation.  i vented to her that there were people on staff who were entitled assholes and were confrontational to the point that their negativity permeated throughout.  of course i wasnt this blunt.  i was careful and diplomatic.

hey, we all play games.

she told me that she wanted to keep me on board as a teacher, but if and when the other counselor got another job, i would be put in that position.

joy.

i was very grateful, but there are just some people here who i could not bear to work with again, and i was in this zone of leaving at the end of the school year.  i had started saying good bye.

to be honest, i was looking forward to leaving.  while i had a pretty good run here, i hated the drive and some of the people, and i do not want to be a teacher.

on monday, my ap came to tell me that she worked out numbers and that i would be back next year.

i was deflated.  i put on a brave smile.  i thanked her.  i asked her for which position.  she said teacher, but after that, who knew.  i felt so unhappy.  and hopeless.  again.

i spoke to damis about this.  i told her that i trusted only her, and i asked her to keep it confidential.  she agreed.  shes the one i feel closest to, especially since shes the only one who gets my jokes.  the sexual innuendo ones.

*****
update:  its a been a few days since i touched this.

yesterday was hellish.  i had  problems with two students...but today.

today was delicious.

i love my kids.

they love me.

its teachers appreciation week, and i told them that for me, its been teacher appreciation year.

im receiving cards they made from other classes, and i wonder what i did to deserve such love.

perhaps its because i love them, too.

*****
and speaking of love.

i wonder what the Heavenly Father wants of me next.

when i think of staying here, i feel a knot in my stomach that really makes me physically ill.

i dont know if i want to be in education anymore...

but ill tell you this, and i know how cheesy it is:  when i see evidence of learning, of loving, of wanting to be in school, of wanting to learn, of sharing their lives with me, i dont want to do anything else.

*****
and i am in love with a man.

he is so wonderfully patient and generous, and i learn from him every day.  his voice commands my body, and i respond to him in many ways.

he makes me feel so fulfilled, so fortunate, so incredibly alive.

he makes me feel alive.

he makes me feel.

i am in love.

and so, here we are.  making plans for the summer to spend a glorious week together.

then we will see from there.

*****
Dear God,

thank You for letting this year unfold, always at the last minute, always at Your Divine time.  thank You for bringing out the best in me, for being so amazingly loving, for the way You communicate with me.

i am humbled by Your love, Father God, humbled by Your deep love.

please, Father, please bring me to my highest self.

in Jesus' name.

amen.

update

mission san diego alcala san diego, ca november 2012

survived the end of life as we know it.  the mayans never said 12.21.12 was the end of the world.  thats mans construct.

and it makes me wonder sometimes.

ive believed so much in others ideas and not so much on my own.

*****
work has been another different path, and im ever so grateful.

as predicted, its been five years as a counselor, and that has ended.

and oh, god...im so truly blessed.

where i am now is an hour commute each way, and i dont mind an early wake up call.  because i wake up to the voice of a man who ive grown to love as a man, as a friend, as my future.

my colleagues are very generous, funny, and welcoming.  ive been blessed beyond my limited beliefs, and i love it.  grateful.  blessed.  guided.

*****
im hurting today.

last monday, i was informed that a former student of mine from two years ago passed away last saturday from leukemia.

i was crippled, esp after the deaths of the sunny hook babies and adults, upon hearing this news.

this will be the second year of a death around the holidays.  last year, it was triple t.  and this year.

this year.

ive had a great year, but...dear God.

theres a reason for this.  i have to live a life believing that there are reasons for tragedies, if only to bring me to my knees before the Father asking for His love to surround me.

*****
love.

love has been prominent lately.

and love has left me, as well.

i believe that the friendship between anapi and i is over, and i wish i were sad, but im not.  it was simply time to let go in order for her...and for me...to find new friendships.

the hiker has moved in with a woman with whom he has been seeing for more than a year.  and im happy for him.  he still sends me random cock shots...and just recently, a video of him masturbating.

the cock looked familiar, his hands, his moans...all familiar, but its been over for a long time, and it no longer affects me the way it had.

the detective has also revealed that he has a girlfriend and told me about her job.  seems like shes in a powerful position in the medical field, and i told him i am very happy for him.

*****
we met up last monday.

i told him before i got there that my student had passed, and when he greeted me at my favorite spot in dtla, he held me tightly.

it wasnt lustily, it was more platonic, and i sat across from him while he smiled at me and looked me in the eyes.

he wanted to discuss my day, but i couldnt.  i shut down.  he knew.  and he kept pressing.

he smiled at me.

i looked away.

whats up? i asked.

you tell me.  how was your day?  anything fun happen?

yes.  i was at the courthouse.

why?

i got married.
he looked at my ring finger on my left hand.

nice ring.  whos the guy?

i was quiet.
come on.  how are you?

im fine.  here, this is for you.

i pushed an envelope and a gift wrapped rectangle towards him.


he opened the card and laughed appropriately at the front which had a santa looking at a kid threateningly with this in quotes:  you saw no one kissing under the tree...got it?

good one, he said.

i knew youd like it.

can i open this now?  he asked pointing to the gift.
no, not until christmas or whenever you open gifts.

we talked and laughed.

two friends.  exlovers.  each with his/her own life that doesnt include the other.

lets get out of here, he suggested.

we walked to his car where he got his jacket and asked if he could open the gift.

i conceded.  he opened it and found a book he had recommended to me the second time we went out.

you didnt even read it, he said.

i was quiet as he thumbed through the book, and he found underlined words, phrases; dogeared pages; and answered questions.

the book was interesting.  he read it after his divorce to make better sense of who he is in terms of love.  he told me that i needed to do the same, so on the second time we went out, after dinner, we made a trip to my favorite independent bookstore in pasadena.

he was distracting to me as he ran his fingers up my bare legs.  he kneeled down to pick up a book, and he put his nose to my pussy.

you smell good, hed said.

i remember moving away from him to another aisle, and he followed me.  he stood behind me and pushed his crotch against my ass.

we left the bookstore in a rush, went to my car, and he kissed me before i got inside.  his hands and lips had been all over me that night...and i felt apprehensive.  he was a nice guy, but.

theres always a but.

when he looked at the book, he asked me, which style are you?

do you even have to ask?

im thinking youre like me.

oh?  which are you?

im an avoider.

bingo.

we walked to my car, and he asked, where to?

arts district.  i want to photograph the walls.  but i have to tell you that im expecting a call, and i am going to take it.

okay.  who will it be?

a friend.  i need to talk to him.

the phone call came as he was telling me to pull into the parking garage where he said i can photograph an awesome la skyline.  the garage was closed, so i was backing out into traffic while i was listening to the voice that has been significant to me the last few months (years, even) tell me of his night.

the detective, however, was making smart remarks.

tell him i said hi, he said.

so i did.

tell him im a marine, he said.

so i did.

the detective grew bored of that, so he began to look through the console in between us.  he helped himself to gum.  he mimicked me.  he was funny.

when i said good bye, i looked at the detective and said, jealous?

no, not really.

then stop it.

stop what?

this.  stop acting weird.  we are friends.  we are having a good time.  i cant believe youre still nervous around me.

he sat quietly.  then he loosened up and began to make jokes.

*****
i parked at the usual spot, and we got out of the car to walk around. i had just purchased a new baby earlier and wanted to test it out.

it was fun again with him.

we laughed.  he made fun of me...and i made fun of him.

it was platonic.

no touching.

no innuendos.  well.  maybe some on his part, but i didnt take the bait.  i know how easily it could turn, and im not interested.

after, we got beer and sliders at a bar where i used to go with the whittier guy.

so.  are you going to tell me about your student who passed away? he asked.  his eyes looked concerned and gentle.

i looked away.

whats her name?  he asked.  his eyes were probing.

i looked at him.  i felt myself disconnecting.

he smiled kindly.

you have to talk about it, he urged.

why?  why do we have to talk about it?  we are having such a good time.  we are laughing.  we are talking.  i mean, when will we hang out again?

you cant avoid it.  its unhealthy.

im fine.  really.  ill deal with it.

you never want to share.

do you want to share?  tell me about your girlfriend.

and so he did.  interesting.  a little bit.

you know im happy for you, right?  i asked.

thank you.  now, what about you?  who was the guy you were talking to?

a friend.  i told you.

what kind of friend.

a friend in the truest form of the word.  i love him.

thats good.

it is.  and it isnt.  lets talk about something else.

no, share.

i hate this, detective.  i hate when you make me talk.

someone has to.

our food came at that moment, so we resumed the lighthearted exchange from before the questioning.

after, i took back to his car.  he jumped out.  no hugs, no long good byes.

which was fine with me.