open doors

la jolla, ca july 2013

when it ended with the exbf, i never thought id meet anyone like him.

i prayed for some of his characteristics to be found in a new man:  his love for me, his devotion, his loyalty, his old soul, his perseverance.

and i searched for him in every man that came after, but i never found him again.

so, time allowed me to forget him, to fall asleep without hearing his voice, to be independent, to be strong when i felt like i was falling.

for years, i was happy.

i felt a sense of relief when he and i ended.  i knew that there was more that i wanted, that if i had stayed with him, i would be settling.

despite what dines wanted to fight for (staying together), i let it go.  when he found someone else, i was so hurt, but i knew that it was for the best, and i secretly thanked her for loving him the way i could and would never.

*****
today, i want to honor rtw who has become a man who i will search for in others.

i do not want to.  i think he is perfect in his own right and had he known i was saying this, he would fight me against it, but im right.

he is perfect.  he is a good man, he is a good father, and someday, he will be a good partner.

i fucking hate the detective for being right.  the last time he and i hung out, he said it would take rtw some time to fight his demons.  he asked me if i was willing to wait.

fuck him for his wisdom.  fuck him for knowing what i would be facing because he had gone through it before.  fuck him for this fucking prophecy.

*****
rtw is the new standard.

i loved so many things about him, and i will always wonder how life would have been with him.

and this christmas, i want nothing for myself, but everything for my family, friends, and those who have less than i do.

for them, i wish for an abundance of peace, of health, of love, and of light.

for them, i wish for never ending joy, understanding of what is important, and wonderful times.

for them, i wish for goodness, forgiveness, happiness.

*****
i have accepted that i will probably never meet anyone with whom my soul will rest, but still.

i watch young couples holding hands, older couples walking slowly and leaning on each other, married couples acknowledging each other with a touch, and i want that for myself.

however, its just not in my life plan.  i still do hold hope in my heart that maybe someday, i wont be so fucked up.  that i wont mess up.  that i choose wisely.

i have to trust that i am worthy, that i am worthy of love, that i am worthy of a healthy relationship.

but i am so resistant.

*****
see that pic up there?

took it when i was on a great trip this past summer.

i shared parts of my life that are so important to my heart.

it took five months for me to be able to edit those pics because i wasnt confident that i could keep it together if i relived any of the pieces of that trip.

i wish i could share the pics with him, but i cant open that door again.

somehow, someway, it has to remain shut.

on a sunday

had breakfast with shel before church, and we talked about photography.  i am so inspired by her dedication to pursue a career in photography.

our styles are different.  she wants to do boudoir, infant, and maternity.  i am more of a documentary photographer.  and portraits.

we talked about how i should do senior portraits because she says im great with kids, and i think id love that. do some shots at the beach or some nice area with grass.

i am so fortunate to be living here in this coast because lets face it, every day is wicked beautiful.  except on friday when it rained for a few hours.  it was so minor, but the news made it seem so fucking heavy.

if we got an inch, id be impressed.  im sure it was nothing more than that.

so, it got me thinking when shel suggested senior portraits.  its something i want to tackle.  she gave me an assignment to open a pintrest account and pin some good pics.

i really try to avoid social media, but ive been toying with the idea of getting twitter, just because i come up with some shit that i want to share, but no one seems appropriate.

and really, i would just be documenting for me and no one else, so we shall see.

i refuse to get a facebook unless i pursue senior portraits.

maybe do lifestyle photography.  its as close to photojournalism as i can get right now.

*****
friday nite, i photographed van's parent's 50th wedding anniversary, and my best shots - the money shots - were of these two little ones.  they were precious.

i was so grateful for the lighting, which produced a great effect.  but when the lights dimmed, it was all blue and shit.  but whatever.

this family is so amazing.  nice, compassionate, accepting.  i think thats the problem with my family.  we are so judgemental, and i have to catch myself when i start being that way.

there were so many people there, a true testament to their marriage and their love for not only each other but to others, including me.

it makes me weep happy tears.

*****
this november was really hard on me.

i was battling some feelings of anxiety and depression, and i fucking refuse, refuse, to allow it in my life. primarily, i believe it was because i skipped two weeks of yoga, and secondarily, i was having a struggle with the time change and the cold.

but cold is a relative term for the weather here, i know.

its cold in the east coast, but again, relative.  because its always frozen in antarctica.

anyway, this past month was a fucking ass kicker.  more specifically, my ass.  but i spoke with some people, and they were in some sort of struggle themselves.

*****
i am in transition.

i feel as if i am shedding parts of me, parts of my life, that no longer serve me, and even though i am grateful, it is involuntary, and it fucking sucks sometimes.

my primary shedding is financial.  totally involuntary, but needed in order to grow and allow for new abundances.  and i feel that there will be a financial boon coming to me.  i dont know from where, but thats not up to me to decide.  i just have to put it out there, be grateful for its arrival, and wait.

my feelings regarding money have evolved as well.  i have finally embraced that money is not bad, that its good, that it serves purposes that i need to have served, that it is the blind pursuit and love of it above all else that is purely evil.

but why label?  it is what it is.

this is what i believe.  and i dont know how i know, but i do.

perhaps its from meditaion.  not that im hardcore or fully mindful, but i participated in the 21-day meditation, courtesy of oprah and deepak.

*****
what else have i shed?

oh, yes.

some lbs.  not much, but some.  i have been eating salad, not necessarily because i want to, but i crave it so.

the one from a certain fast food chain is really good.  probably its because of the lite honey vinaigrette dressing.  i only use half of it because the salad i get is pretty small.

i used to crave a chicken cobb from another fast food chain, but it was too much chicken for me.  and too much bacon.  and too much feta.  and too much egg.

i know.  i should just get the lettuce.

tjs has a fantastic bistro salad made of kale, edamame, cranberries, and almond slivers.  sooo fucking good.

at thanksgiving, my lovable yet highly critical grandmother told me that i lost weight.  it was pretty devastating since i planned to eat a whole lot of food since i hadnt eaten all day.

ironically, without intention, i could only shove half of what i put on my plate into my mouth.  thanks, grandma.  i mean that half sarcastically, and half with gratitude.  well, mostly with gratitude because who needs all that food in my frame?

my main goal is to be healthy.

my cousine came down and spent a weekend with us.  she is on a no carb diet.  i fucking admire her discipline.  she and my sister were all up on that shit.

i wish i can be that disciplined, but i dont have to be.  i dont eat as much carbs as they do.  i know this because 1) my diet consists of little amount of carbs, 2) i do not have a sweet tooth (except for a few days of the month), 3) i am addicted to rice.

its the filipina in me.

*****
so to update all y'all on the situation between me and rtw, ill begin by saying that i love that man.

i love his sense of humor, his musical tastes, his height, his awesome sexiness, his intelligence, his nerdiness, his book choices, his love of for his daughter, his goofiness, his imperfect perfection, his acceptance of me, his sweetness.

however.

i have to also accept somethings about him, such as him not saying he loves me (even though he acts like he does, i need to hear the words...im such a vagina sometimes), him not making plans to see each other, him not being free because of his little love, him still connected to the mother of his child (even though his divorce became final a few weeks ago), him not always communicating his feelings and thoughts (even though he says he tells me everything...i dont doubt that, but i need deeper sometimes), him being across the country, him saying that he doesnt know if hes missing out on something.

i have to just accept these things about him because i love him, but they hurt.

tgif:   mishmash edition

this week has been long and punishing.  last nite, i came home from a late nite at work and collapsed.  it was barely 10:00 pm, but i was nodding off at 9:30 pm.

im not even a morning person...im a known nite owl, but shit.  this job.  gggrrr.

the last three weeks here have been so awesome and fun.  coming back "home" has never been so welcoming and full of laughter.  new colleagues and good friends are blessings that i did not expect.  of course, there are some that still disgust me, but ill deal.

*****
tonite is my ex principals retirement party.  thank God its casual.  the original plan was shorts and flip flops since thats what he wears when he comes to visit, but it gets cold at nite, and by cold, i mean cold by southern cal standards.

its a cash bar, and itll be a long drive, so there wont be much alcohol consumption, but it depends.

we all really need to unwind, and i am all for letting loose, but im fucking exhausted.  im a bit apprehensive that ill fall asleep before i make it home.  and i dont want to spend the nite at anyones house.

*****
the guy who has a crush on me has a new nickname related to his (perceived, unproven) penis size.  soda can.  when eriven told me, i laughed so hard until she encouraged me to dispell the myth.

no, thanks.

soda can has been giddy lately.  i have to avoid him or distract him with students or something because he stares.

eriven was told by a mutual friend that soda can just want to fit in, and if that is so, then it takes time for that to happen.  it takes going through common shit.  it takes bonding or connecting or whatever.  but crushing isnt one of them.

hes cute, though.  real short, but cute.  sweet smile.  soft chocolate brown eyes.  warm smile.  and his laugh.  its more of a giggle.  but you know.  endearing and shit.

i dont really care.

its a past time.  its fun.  until it isnt fun anymore.

*****
life has been different lately.

in the process of grief, im at the anger phase again.  angry at myself for not confronting what the real problem is and being so fucking happy when he calls or writes.

things the last few days have been nice.  but its not the same.

there are some things that i need, that ive expressed, that he does not want to provide.

it saddens me that this is the same person.  i feel duped.  i feel like he was pretending.  thats the worst part. feeling like he was pretending to be someone he isnt so i can stay with him while he made the transition from being married to not.

i hate this, you know?  i hate that this man who i believed in, who i fell in love with, who i introduced to my family...well, i hate that this man isnt the one.

a long time ago, i was told by another principal that time is a tattle tale.  it reveals all of the secrets you keep hidden.

i use this as a guiding principle.  it has been proven time and time again.

*****
i dont know how to address this.

i compose beautifully explained letters in my mind.  i am clear then.

but when i attempt to put it down on paper or screen, i fail.

i come out jumbled.

i come out fragmented.

unsure.

confused.

and it fucking sucks.

because i am not.

*****
so, here i am, after having gotten off the phone with him, feeling like a fucking fraud.

it scares me that we are not addressing things, and im just as much to blame, but to be honest with you, im done trying.

im over crying.

i blame him for being passive aggressive, when i am, too.

you know?

this isnt working.  no, wait.  its too much work.  i dont want to do it anymore.

and i have no fear of being alone.  i dont want to meet anyone at all because i know that my ego will compare everyone to him.

again, the issue is letting go.

my mother passed this on to me. she stayed in a marriage longer than necessary, but she had her reasons, and i have decided to no longer judge her.  she did it for us, her kids, and who is to say that i havent done anything that contradicts my own personal credo for the sake of my son (i havent, i dont think).

*****
relationships are tricky.  add in geography and trust issues (mine), and there is just a whole ball of fun up in here.

he wrote to me how much it hurts that i dont trust him.

how can i trust someone who is treating me the same he treated his marriage partner?

his behavior is such a strong indication, and i am trying to change him by telling him how i feel.

i wish i had patience and gentleness, but i do not.

in fact, i have not exhibit resiliency in many relationships (maybe three times or five), and i certainly do not work on improving something when i know i have no intentions of making it work in the long run (the detective and the hiker).

but.

if i truly loved someone like a friend, then i wouldnt mind continuing the friendship.  it worked for awhile with the 29 year old and the detective, until their significant others put a halt to it.

and i dont blame them (the women), but there was no fear that anything would happen.

*****
so, again, my trust issues have surfaced, though for a long time, they were controlled.

i hate them.

i hate my issues of abandonment, of being cheated on, of jealousy.

they are so ugly, parts of me that make me self hate.  they are my shame, they are the krptonite to my confidence.

they dont own me, but they have a high investment on my psyche.

i dont label myself as being untrusting (or paranoid).

i dont label myself as jealous.

i dont label myself as shameful.

i dont label myself as having been cheated on (it only happened once, technically, by the red haired boy, and he confessed everything).

so, what is it?

my father.

*****
but i have forgiven him.

i know this in my heart and in my mind and in my soul.

and this forgiveness is unconditional and defined by my love for him and by the love God has for me.

it has been liberating, to be honest.

i couldnt talk to him before, not even small talk.  but now, its all good.  i dont feel uneasy around him.

and my motto has always been:  do it first to another before he does it to you.

fucked.  up.

and it has worked.

but.

i need to change that.  i want to.  i have to.

*****
he is a good man.

perhaps we have walked together as far as we needed to, and i need to let go now.

perhaps we were meant to have walked in my sacred spaces.

to have allowed me to uncover layers of me that i never have with others.

but i do not want to tiptoe around or disregard issues in order to keep the peace.  we are both so non confrontational, but there was a time he made me face him (figuratively) and address things.  i loved him for that.

i just thought and hoped and took forgranted that it would continue.  time, you know, is a tattletale, and perhaps he never was this man i made him out to be.

but i never did that.

i never, not once, asked or expected for him to change.  in fact, it was the first time in my life that i really accepted a man for who he is, and i thought that that would be enough.

but i realize that i need more.

i need romance.

i need touch.

i need to know that he thinks of me.

i need to know that he loves me.

and lately, i have gotten none.

and ive been overcompensating for it.

im a fool.

and i dont want to be that anymore.

*****
the texan has been persistent.

calls.  emails.

his profession of interest has been so strong that it is offputting, and i find myself resenting him for not being the man who i wish pursued me.

and i resent the man who i love because he isnt pursuing me.

i ask myself why i cant just answer his calls or his emails.

and it is because it will open up a flood of falsehood.

he will hope for what can never be.

and i will feel obligated to talk to him so that i wont hurt his feelings.

i cant do that anymore.

*****
i have to start winding down the day so i can drive to the party.

i wish i had it in me to get fucking drunk, but you know.

these are my colleagues.

and im not 30 anymore.

so.

this felt good.

tgif.

untitled

i woke up this morning, and i felt a strength i havent been familiar with in a long time.

one of the lessons i learned this summer was the beauty of not being attached to anything, especially feelings.

happiness and sadness, pain and pleasure, up and down...these are all fleeting, and i have been training myself to really practice detachment.

its different from being aloof...when i was aloof, i felt like i was running.  being detached, i feel i am more grounded.

those zen practicers have it right.

*****
its been lovely how socal is transitioning from summer to fall, though this week is maddeningly hot.  but its everywhere, the signs of fall, from halloween decorations to pumpkin patches to awesome outfits to the crisp night air.

this is my season.  cooling down from the heat, slowly preparing my body and mind for the winter, and dressing better than i do in the summer.  im not a stylista, but hey, i get complimented on my boots and scarves and my energy during this time.

*****
my attempts at being okay about the ending with a love fail me at times.

when im busy, the pang of checking in on him isnt as strong, but times like now, when the noises of the day are only from pandora playing on the computer...well.

i feel the abyss of his absence in my heart.

i know i will be okay.  hell, i may even be better than okay someday.

but not now.  not now.

tomorrow maybe, but not now.

*****
the texan has been calling faithfully every day.

sometimes, he calls my cell when im at work, and i feel such a disappointment when i see his name instead of another.

and i watch the screen until his call ends.  he never leaves a message, so it is easier to forget that he called.

sometimes, he calls at nite when im asleep.  i shouldnt  be surprised.  thats when he needs to talk to me as he winds down from his work.

im not ready to talk to him yet.  im not ready to hear his promises, to hear how he wants to be with me, to hear how we belong together.

because i know we do not.

ive felt how it was to love someone the way i wanted to love.  ive felt how i want to be loved.  and it was nothing i felt with him.

i just know that at this moment, if we talk, i will break, and he will want to rescue me, and i do not want to be rescued.

not by him.

and in fact.  i do not need rescuing.  i just need time to heal.  to pick myself up and dust myself off.  to scar over from the deep cut.

*****
i got an email today from someone who i hung out with once.

still married.

still wants to hang out.

still ready to rearrange his schedule.

even after all this time.

i responded hurriedly.  told him that i, like him, started a new job.  that i am (still) not married.  that i am not able (or willing) to make time right now.

not at this moment.

i left it at that.  i have no energy to make up reasons or excuses.

i did that already when i didnt make it to todays happy hour with my sutter friends.

*****
i love my life.

it isnt perfect.  i can use more money, a housekeeper, a love.

but.

you know, i can make more money, i can clean up by myself, and i am allowing a love of self i never had before.

*****
yesterday, at the staff meeting, some friends were fucking around saying that the tech guy has a crush on me.

i let it go.

because i know who has a crush on me.  i know that he watches me when i monitor the halls.  i know that he wants to have conversations, no matter how trivial.  i know that i keep it short because hes married, and i dont shit where i eat.

but i know he has a crush.  he holds my gaze with his eyes.  he makes jokes that only i get.  he gets a bit tongue tied when he talks to me.

and you know.  i can be wrong.

he might just be fucking shy, or perhaps hes just watching the kids who tower over me to make sure i am safe.

he could just be totally legit about holding my gaze because i think military people are conditioned to do that. and maybe he has a speech impediment.

i dont know.

but i find myself avoiding him as much as i can.  not because im offended, but because i dont want rumors or jokes flying around.

they make me realize that i am alone again.

and this time, im not loving it as much.

the beginning

so many things have happened over the summer and now, a few weeks into the fall.

ive surrendered to the changes that has brought me full circle back to the first middle school i worked at, and while some faces are familiar and the duties somewhat the same, it is different.

i have changed.  i recognize this, and i need to be gentle with myself about it.

*****
i write this in my office, on a computer that has none of my pictures.

i havent been creative lately, and i hate it truly.

but lets catch up, shall we?

*****
the summer was short.  by the time the school year ended, i was completely over teaching.  it was such work for me emotionally and psychologically.

i can teach, i am a natural, but i dont want to.

my heart and my soul wanted to be a counselor again.

i met the man i had been in love with, and for one glorious week, we were lovers.

i took him to my sacred places, and i spent every minute of the nine days by his side.

and nothing else mattered.

my spirit was free, completely unhindered by masks and other distractions that i use to keep people at a distance.

he was wonderful.  so patient.  so fun.  so easy going.

it was one of the best times of my life.

*****
but, as i suspected, our time was limited, and when we learned what we needed to learn from each other, we had to let go.

this is where i am now.

learning to let go.

not hold on to a world that i created.

i wanted to be with him, to be in his world.

i wanted to make a fresh start, to move to his coast.

but.

he didnt want the same thing.

and how could he?

he is ending one part of his life, and i was brought in to help with the transition.

i was arrogant.

he met my family.  i thought that surely, he is the one.

but.

i sit here now, smiling at the memories we created, and i wish him well.

there are so many reasons why it fell apart, why it ended.

but the main reasons are he and i.

*****
i nurse my pain with work and with tears and with keeping busy.

my internal clock wakes up at the same time every work day, the time he used to call me when he was driving in to work.

it is difficult, but i know that this is temporary, and that it is time to let go.

*****
but how do i let go of the man who has made me complete?

how do i let go of the man who has changed my heart and mind make up?

how do i let go of the man who introduced me to good music?

how do i let go of the man who has been my anchor, my friend, my calm?

how do i let go?

very gently and kindly.

let go.

let.

go.

and so it is...

random shot june 2009

i am exhausted today, and it is hot.  if we had clouds like the one up above, we would not be burning up.

but tomorrow, things will go back to the kind of weather i like:  cool, dark, threats of rain.  that should last about a week.

*****
the past few days (hell, years), i have been in purgatory about my career.

i met an art director recently who i spoke to about my need to have more of a creative job, doing something with paint or photography or words.

he likes the way i write, he says, and it reaffirms what i wanted to do in an alternate universe:  document lives through words and images.

i need time to go away.  hang out in some small beach town for a week or four and just let go.

its time.

ive been meaning to do this for some time now, and something always gets in the way.

*****
the school year is ending, and i am happy.

a week ago, i had my post evaluation meeting with my ap.  she was very generous and accurate about her observations, but lets face it...its total bullshit.  she mentioned that she was writing it up so that anyone who reads the review will want to pick me up for a position.

i gave her my thanks and told her my appreciation.  i vented to her that there were people on staff who were entitled assholes and were confrontational to the point that their negativity permeated throughout.  of course i wasnt this blunt.  i was careful and diplomatic.

hey, we all play games.

she told me that she wanted to keep me on board as a teacher, but if and when the other counselor got another job, i would be put in that position.

joy.

i was very grateful, but there are just some people here who i could not bear to work with again, and i was in this zone of leaving at the end of the school year.  i had started saying good bye.

to be honest, i was looking forward to leaving.  while i had a pretty good run here, i hated the drive and some of the people, and i do not want to be a teacher.

on monday, my ap came to tell me that she worked out numbers and that i would be back next year.

i was deflated.  i put on a brave smile.  i thanked her.  i asked her for which position.  she said teacher, but after that, who knew.  i felt so unhappy.  and hopeless.  again.

i spoke to damis about this.  i told her that i trusted only her, and i asked her to keep it confidential.  she agreed.  shes the one i feel closest to, especially since shes the only one who gets my jokes.  the sexual innuendo ones.

*****
update:  its a been a few days since i touched this.

yesterday was hellish.  i had  problems with two students...but today.

today was delicious.

i love my kids.

they love me.

its teachers appreciation week, and i told them that for me, its been teacher appreciation year.

im receiving cards they made from other classes, and i wonder what i did to deserve such love.

perhaps its because i love them, too.

*****
and speaking of love.

i wonder what the Heavenly Father wants of me next.

when i think of staying here, i feel a knot in my stomach that really makes me physically ill.

i dont know if i want to be in education anymore...

but ill tell you this, and i know how cheesy it is:  when i see evidence of learning, of loving, of wanting to be in school, of wanting to learn, of sharing their lives with me, i dont want to do anything else.

*****
and i am in love with a man.

he is so wonderfully patient and generous, and i learn from him every day.  his voice commands my body, and i respond to him in many ways.

he makes me feel so fulfilled, so fortunate, so incredibly alive.

he makes me feel alive.

he makes me feel.

i am in love.

and so, here we are.  making plans for the summer to spend a glorious week together.

then we will see from there.

*****
Dear God,

thank You for letting this year unfold, always at the last minute, always at Your Divine time.  thank You for bringing out the best in me, for being so amazingly loving, for the way You communicate with me.

i am humbled by Your love, Father God, humbled by Your deep love.

please, Father, please bring me to my highest self.

in Jesus' name.

amen.

moving forward

bolsa chica state beach manhattan beach, ca august 2012

 im reaching into old files because i havent taken any pictures lately.

such a shame.

its already the end of april almost, and i have nothing.

*****
i sit here, taking deep breaths, his voice in my ear trying to soothe me, to calm me.

i have to remind myself that thoughts are like food:  i dont have to consume each and everyone.

heres the problem.  there is a toxic little shit that exists in my realm right now, and i am extinguishing thoughts of him vanishing from the earth.  if you knew what this little hellhound has been up to, you would be appalled.

but.

hes not important now.  he doesnt exist.

*****
im constantly amazed and fascinated by this man with whom i have fallen for.

perhaps its completely psychological, perhaps its nothing emotional, but at this moment, i am in too deep.

plans are in the works to meet up in late june, early july.  he will be flying in to la, where i will pick him up and drive us both to san francisco.  this is the plan.

we all know how plans are made to be broken.

hes determined, though, and it scares me a bit.

and then i begin to wonder.

im not going to have a what-if party today...its too beautiful out to do so.

besides.  he wont allow it.

*****
the last few weeks have been so significant for him, and i want for him to really live in the moment.  its happening so fast, so efficiently, and i love the woman behind the whole deal.

but theres so much about her behavior that reminds me of how i behaved when i was in a situation that no longer aligned to me.

my actions reeked of bitterness, of hurt, of sadness.

and the poor irish did all he could to make me happy, but he didnt understand that he was not responsible for that.

he tiptoed around me.  he did what i asked.  he did what i wanted.  sex was physically satisfying, but emotionally, i was beaten.

i pushed him away as hard as i could, as often as i could.  but this old soul didnt budge.  he was patient and fogiving and loving and kind...

and i hated him for that.  i hated that he loved me.  i wanted him to hate me so that i could begin talks of dissolving the relationship.

instead, he came back just as hard and just as often with love.

and in between, he drank.

*****
in the days after he left, i felt relief and loneliness and sadness, and i felt a hole in my life.

songs that reminded me of him seemed to play all the time, and once, i pulled over to cry inconsolably when van morrison's brown eyed girl came on.

radiohead's creep was another doozy that made me long for him.

lets not talk about the stones.

articles of clothing he left behind mingled with mine in the drawers or the hamper or under the bed.

his books flirted with mine on the shelf.  they haunted me.

at nite, sometimes, i would wake up calling his name.  it isnt that i was thinking of him...i felt his presence watching me, sitting with me, loving me.

this continued for about a year or so.

and then one day, it stopped.

*****
it took awhile for me to recover from the irish, from the doubts to the guilt.

i stalked his myspace pages, and i found that he was with another.  an older woman who was a grandmother at age 37.

and my heart sang because he had found another who loved him.

she was ill, i read.  she suffered from a debilitating condition, and i researched it.

fibromyalgia is something i do not ever want to have.  and i ached for her.

i reached out to him by email, and she responded to me in a way that gave me closure.

but my wound was open again because i picked at the scab, and i realized that somethings were (always) better left unsaid.

*****
as the school year dwindles down to its final five fucking weeks, i am in a space of gratitude.

the blessings in just this year alone are plenty, but daily?

there is such abundance.

my students are so kind and generous, not only to me, but to each other.  this warms me whenever i witness it.

and yes, they also are kids, so not everyday is so nice, but at the end of the day, and every morning, i am grateful for them.

today, we did this exercise:  i told them to think of a friend and to write on an index cards words of encouragement.

they were into it, decorating it, sharing with each other, and then at the end, i told them to put their name in the center of the card because these words were for them alone.

i explained how we are infrequently nice to ourselves, how it is easy for us to think more negatively without intent.

tomorrow, im going to have them write a letter to themselves to be opened on friday, the last day of the test.

*****
the man i love avails me to no end.

i read to him words from past handwritten journals, words that signify how long ive been waiting for him.

and it isnt that he has to try to be the man in my journals:  he just is.

hes my first and last voice of the day.

hes into the same geeky films i am into.

what i lack, he has a lot of, and what he lacks, i have.

*****
and music.

the man has an extensive collection.

june.

ill hear them in june.

truths

lacey park, san marino, ca december 2012

the other day, a student in my class - who has been a fucking pain to everyone in the beginning of the year but has really matured and has a good relationship with me - was talking to another about what they wanted to do when they grew up.

the student said to me, what do you want to be when you grow up?

i looked at him and said with a resignation, i dont know yet.

well, what did you want to be?

a teacher.

oh, you reached your goal.

and something in me clicked.  this insight from a kid who i believe will land in jail if he doesnt watch it with the sexual explicitness in his conversations really changed my perspective.

he was right.  i had reached my goal.  why hadnt i planned on a new one?

why hadnt i began to figure shit out?

but i will again.  soon.  with guidance from above and within.

*****
i steadily fall in love every day with the man who i have written about in my journals and dreamt about on days where it was rough or not.

i found a journal i had written in 2010 after the closure - or slamming of a proverbial door - with the 200 lb loser and the fatty bitch.

i grieved and healed in san diego during valentines day weekend.  i met a booty call whose kissing and fingering and sense of humor were fantastic.

i had just met the dtla math guy and then the 29 year old - in whom i have found such great disappointment - and then i left for san francisco for the summer.

when i came back, i hung out with the argentinian.  that didnt last long, but it was romantic and fun and dreamy and sexy.

and then started as a counselor in the middle school.

but i wrote about what kind of man i wanted to spend time with. 

i wrote about my loneliness and my being ready to commit.

i wrote about what i needed.

and three years later, i have discovered him.  and with every freaking interaction, i feel our connection and our bond deepen.

it is involuntary, it is natural.  it is right.

he constantly and consistently amazes me, and i am a better person for knowing him.

*****
summer comes soon this year with the new school calendar.

i really hope to hit oregon and photograph the natural beauty of Gods majesty.

i had wanted - really wished - to go to the east coast, but it doesnt look like it will be happening.

its just as well.

perhaps i am not ready yet.  perhaps he isnt.

perhaps there are others we have yet to experience before we commit to each other.

but my God, i love him so much.

*****
i stumbled here at work, but im on the right path again.

i can do this.

i will do this.

i am doing this.

i got this.

next year will be another adventure.  and i am so ready for it.

untitled

dtla arts district los angeles, ca april 2012

i remember the nite i took this picture.

it was the second time i hung out with the detective.  this shot was taken through a link on a fence, and i love the effect of it.  depth of field and shit.

so.

tomorrow is the day before spring break, and everyone one of us is ready.  one of my kids is pulling shit, and i so strongly dislike this creature from the black lagoon that my love suggested i call her cerberus.

fitting.

anyway.

*****
the 29 year olds wife replied to a text meant for him.  all i said was hey, friend.

she wrote back, hi, m, this is a's wife.  i feel uncomfortable about you texting him because youve had sex, so please stop.  good luck.

i was stunned.  there were so many spelling errors, i almost died laughing.  and she feels uncomfortable that we had sex?

bitch, he wasnt that good...or that big.  youre the one who needs the luck.

no, i didnt respond with that.  i thought it, but i let it go.

i deleted his information...AGAIN...the first time was a month after we had left and i had gone to san francisco.

anyway.

*****
things with the man are really...well.

its working things out and working things through.

the more we do it, the closer we get, the more in love i fall, and the harder i feel.

and by feel, i mean cum.

this morning, i came five times as he talked me through every single one.

its unfair, you know, because it started at 4:45 am, and by the time it ended, i had only five minutes to recover.

motherfucker was slaving away.

i looked at myself in the mirror, and i saw the softness in my face.  i saw the tension released from a battle i fought with him last nite.

he won, of course, he always does, though i put in a very strong effort.

and why shouldnt he win?  hes always right, anyway, always so calm and so logical.

when he sets his mind to an idea, its like a vice grip...so strong and unmovable.  i mean, shit.  i have no recourse.

so i give in.  i listen, and i understand.  i hear the love in his voice, and i relax.

*****
im off for one glorious week.

ive got some plans here and there, but nothing major.  dinners.  yoga.  walking.  sleeping.  writing.  cumming.  you know.  the usual fare.

*****
the virgo has been trying to flirt.

but the thing is...hes so awful at it.

i had to ask him if he was drunk when he asked me if he could help me cum.

with his fingers.

really?

because he was bad.  he sucked at kissing.  he sucked at sex.  he sucked.

*****
the editor asked me to hang out, but i was evasive.

its a done deal.

im glad he got over his silly little crush on me.

*****
what will i do next year?

i am excited for the ending of this school year.

it was so much learning and loving.  i met some wonderful souls.

but.

sometimes its time to let go.

and its time.

ten things about him that i love (that arent sexual)

lake shrine palos verdes, ca july 2011

10.  his love for the one who has changed his life
whenever i hear him speak to the little one, i am weakened.  their interaction is precious.  his voice softens, and the little one has such admiration for her daddy.

9.  his openness
he confessed this morning that it had always been hard to be forthcoming with his emotions, but his trust in me allows him to share with me.  he also is a bit of a music and movie whore, which i love, because he can listen or watch many things that may not be attractive to others.

8.  his perseverance
he works through his problems, he doesnt avoid them, though he did once.  he did it out of fear, out of his upbringing, out of love.  but hes evolved into this man whose spirit is strong and willing and willful.

7.  his truth
its amazing to listen to him and to read his words.  the man i first engaged contact with has become honest.  he has truthful about his life with me, even at the risk of hurting me.  he has been truthful about his hurt and his concerns, and he does it in a loving way.

6.  his beauty
mesmerizing blue eyes, crooked smile, and a cock that is perfection.  need i say more?  oh, yes.  his essence.  his sense of humor.  the inner workings of his mind.  the truthfulness of his soul.  the vulnerability of his heart.  the rawness of his love.  and the sum of his whole make every part of him delectable.

5.  his conviction
we would not be where we are if he didnt believe in us.  an ordinary man would have been scared off long ago.  but his belief that this is what he wants, that i am who he needs, that our love is what he deserves humbles me.

4.  his humility
hes never bragged about anything, and he is humbled by my love for him.  he thinks more of others and less of himself, and i love how that carries not only in his personal life but professional life, too.

3.  his intensity
okay, this is about sex.  but its also about his love for motorcycles.  and music.  and for me.  and for his daughter.  and for his truth.  and for his life.  and for his himself.  and how he sounds when he cums.  and how he holds his cock.  and how his cock twitches when he cums.

2.  his generosity of spirit
he makes every effort to ensure me of his place in my life.  he listens to my insecurities and my concerns.  he makes time for us, no matter how short or long.  he wiggles things around so he can stay with me on the phone longer, even if it will sacrifice sleep.  he puts his little one first, always.  and yeah, i know hes supposed to do that, but he does it lovingly and charitably.

1.  his love for me
i know.  and thats all i need to know.  i feel.  and thats all thats important.  i hear.  and thats all that matters.  i sense.  and its with him that i want my life spent and invested.  i hurt.  and he sits with me.  i cry.  and he soothes.  i am wild.  and he celebrates it.  i love.  and he accepts it.

navigating

lake shrine palos verdes, ca september 2011

there is a deep hurt inside of me, and i dont know if it has always been there, or if its something new.

im reading a new book called, the untethered soul by michael singer.  he discusses the loudness of thoughts and how we should step back from them and to find the space of silence between thoughts.

to compound the hurt, i feel the need to run away, to retreat.

*****
work has been challenging lately the closer i get to the end, which is not until june.

but i can feel this separation, this disconnect with not only work, but with everything.

with myself.

with my friends.

with him.

and i can fake it.

i can.

*****
but i find myself spiraling when i do fake it.

what we resist, persist.

i mean, fuck.

ive resisted my trust issues, and they surface all the time with him.

im so fortunate and blessed with this man who has a generous spirit.

*****
and so, i will spend time working through this.

i will navigate through my hurt and feel happy once again.

i will.

for me.

and for him.

transitions

dtla art district los angeles, ca july 2011

he called this morning with some powerful news, and it caused me to look at the clock, which read 3:42 am.

his coast is three hours ahead, so i knew he was on his way to work.

the news.  i couldnt process it completely, not with a mind that was still a bit drowsy.  his voice was clear, but i was not clear, and i was in a bit of a shock, to be honest.

this man has immense power to manifest.

its one of the qualities i love about him, but his manifestation isnt practiced like mine is.

his is a combination of intent, visualization, and feeling.

those three mixed in a mind that is stubborn and willful produces a result that is always favorable.

*****
there is still some hurt in my heart almost twelve hours later after hearing the news.

in the long term, the decision will be beneficial to all involved, especially to the little heart that will be affected greatly.

and then theres the other party to consider.  someone who is hurting, as well, but perhaps unable to display it or convey it.

it is for her that my heart breaks the most because i have been on that end.

the end that is logical, eerily so, callous (a word he used earlier), and locked into suppression of feelings.

and he?

he was calm, perhaps still in shock with the news, but also, i suspect, relieved.

relieved to start living.  to start being truthful in all ways.  to start answering to himself.

and ive been there, too.

there was a huge guilt on my part, guilt for being happy that the irish had gone.

guilt for not loving enough...or rather, for not loving the way he deserved to be loved.

guilt for being selfish...or rather, for choosing myself over him.

guilt for recapturing my life, my freedom, my sanity.

*****
i never really recover from the loss.

its just i negotiate the days differently.

there are some places i avoid, some songs i immediately change if on the radio, some movies i dont watch.

the other day, pi was on, and the irish loved that movie.  i thought it was creepy, but he loved it because he understood what the character was going through when he did something to his head after a bout of migraine headaches.

for some time, i couldnt drive the freeway that lead to w's loft.  if i had to pass it, id disconnect from my emotions until a mile in either direction.

and there are other reminders, of other lovers.  when it rains, the hiker texts me.  when the detective is at urth caffe, he texts me.

lately, the virgo has been emailing me.  nothing serious or flirtatious, though he says hes trying to be, but its so lost on me.  because i am in love.

*****
i am in love.

and this love will ask some things of me.

it will ask me to relocate.

it will ask me to take on a role of a mother again.

it will ask me to be vulnerable, strong, wild, gentle.

it will ask me to love.

it will ask me to be loved.

and i will do it.

i will do it because it is exciting, it is right, and it is him.

it is him.

*****
i am impulsive.

its a blessing and a curse, a weakness and a strength.

i am a free spirit.

i am independent, fiercely so.

and i am a loner.

i am private.

i am chaotically organized.

and i love who i am.

these are parts of me that i have to share with him.

it will be different.

and it scares me.

but it excites me more.

*****
there is his flesh to be touched.

his scent to be inhaled.

his moans to be heard.

his essence to behold.

his cum to be tasted.

and if this is so, and if the planets are aligning, and he is ready, and i am ready...

then why am i still on this coast?

intensity

griffith park observatory griffith park, ca january 2013

everything seems so pure and unadulterated with him, which in itself is an irony.

this is where the problem lies.

i am coveting this man from his wife.

and again.  it isnt as if im new to this, and i dont say it with pride.

*****
my first affair was when i was 19, and he was 29...a doctor of pharmacy immersed in a fellowship at ucsd, and he was just beautiful.

he was dark haired, fair skinned, german accent, and eyes that undressed me whenever we got together and wherever.

there was a part of me that wanted to submissive to him, but i was petulant and wild, and he couldnt do anything about it except to watch me with amusement.

we didnt fuck.

but i gave him head, and from that, he came hard.  always.

a part of it was that i didnt want him to touch me because i was reeling still from the redhaired boys absence, and this guy...the doctor...well.

the attention was nice.

he took care of me, ordered for me, opened doors for me.  he moved my hair from my eyes, he kissed my tears, and he silently punished me for being too bratty.

he left san diego that summer we met, and he promised to contact me when he came back to the states.  he returned in february the following year, and i found myself traipsing around san francisco with him.

by then, my infatuation had been over.  to me, he was still beautiful, but there was an emptiness in his eyes.

he expressed his desire to fuck me, but i declined, even when he begged me to spend the nite with him.  it was easy to walk away.  i didnt really have any compassion for anything then.

*****
the next married man was the friend of my uncle with whom i was staying the following summer.

he was so sexy, but not conventional.  and he was filipino.

he oozed sexuality, i can feel his want of me whenever his family and my uncles family had parties, which seemed weekly.

he flirted with me subversively in front of his wife, and she was either clueless or in denial.

i hated him for that.

but i didnt reject his moves.

one weekend, we camped at the beach, and he asked me to go to the car with him to get an ice chest, and he came so close to me.  i backed away.  he pulled me closer.  i was breathing hard, nervous, excited, and his face was moving towards mine.

i broke away and yelled, youre married, dammit.

after that, i avoided him.  i was disgusted with myself.  and with him.  but mostly with myself because i may have let it go far.

*****
years later, after college, i met fp.  he was beautifully tattooed, eyes that were blue marble, and an insecurity so deep it was unattractive.

he fucked me on a table in my classroom, after he called me a chicken.

no one calls me a chicken.

we fucked several times, and several times, i left unsatisfied because he just wasnt good.

but the first time he kissed me, my knees were weak.  after that first time, i wanted to run.

again, it was the attention i craved.  he called me when he could, he met me when he could, he watched me when he could.

what finished it for me was when he called me from his home while his wife was home, too.  it was too stupid, and i hate stupidity.

*****
then after him, there were a few others.  none of significance.

the editor, though, constantly asks me to hang out with him, telling me that hes not pressuring me, but it is annoying.

he went away this past weekend with his wife, and he didnt contact me until days later.  i honestly thought he had given up.

before he left, he told me he imagined fucking me while he was in his wife, and i wrote to him, i find it sad.

he said he was angry about it, but that i was right.  the issues in his marriage were something he didnt want to face right now.  and thats fine with me.

however.

he thinks i can offer him something missing in his marriage.

i cannot.

ive told this to him many times, and i have asked for him to be platonic with me.

he tries.

i know he does.

but he cannot help himself.

he is a romantic, and i am impressed with that part of him.

*****
but.

this man that i have fallen in love with, that i have deeply rooted my soul with, that i have pledged allegiance to...

this man is someone who has captured my attention.

and my soul.

and the rest of my time here on earth.

even if it doesnt work out, i know that he will always be a part of me, no matter much hurt i will carry...

he will always be a part of me.

and i a part of him.

this distance is slowly killing me.

i die each nite, only to be resurrected by his voice or his words the following day.

weekends are hard.

i am in a trance.

and i let my insecurities surface.

i hate that.

i need to control it.

*****
the man is so fucking intense.

my skin will meld to his.

flesh to flesh.

our love bonds us.

soul to soul.

music reveals what we cannot.

lyric to lyric.

and i am hopelessly, helplessly, inconveniently, ridiculously consumed by him.

flight

carlsbad, ca march 2012

it was difficult last weekend, especially saturday.

his city was immobilized by the weather, and all weekend, i watched it on the news.  and on my coast, a stupid ass police killer was and is still on the loose, and i wonder what the hell is going on right now with our cities.

*****
i have had affairs with married men.

i met an editor on sunday whose wife was coming in on a flight from their hometown nyc.  he told me of his marital problems that dealt with sex, and i was blown away about the complaints.

not enough.

too vanilla.

infrequent.

and i mean.  she sounded uptight.  she needed it on certain days only.  she needed an emotional foreplay before.

hes a guy.  hes a caveman.

and he was charmed by me.  asked for my number.  gave him my email instead.

hes been emailing me.

hes a nice guy.  smart, funny, expressive.

and im not interested.

yeah, i respond.  its an ego thing, i guess.

*****
something happened last weekend.

i spiraled.  i ached for him so deeply, a place that ive never been to before.

my ego, my never failing whisper of all things impossible, was haunting.  i had visions of him and his wife reconciling.  it would have been romantic, you know?  a blizzard the cause of him and his wife and his little one to be together forever.  it is a total romance movie.

and it played in my head all weekend.  i know that the midwestern guy was a part of it.  he fed me scenarios.

he left trails of what ifs, and like an asshole, i followed them.

and i reached a point that scared me because i can let go now.

i can let go and grieve.  and it will take a long time.  it will be painful.  it will be maddening, but i can let go.

*****
theres a song he loves that he put on a cd he made for me in october.

ive been listening to it daily.

its by linkin park, and i love these lines:
i wanna heal, i wanna feel
what i thought was never real
i want to let go of the pain i felt so long
(erase all the pain till it's gone)

*****
plans are being made.

plans to be in one time zone.  plans to be in one shared bed.  plans to be under the same roof.

plans to unite and unite and unite again, to allow the flow between two lovers, to hold on and never let go.

plans to laugh and smile and touch and fuck and make love and learn and grow and sing and watch movies and photograph and walk and relax and sleep and rise and do it all again the next day.

plans.

he grounds me, he keeps me focused and balanced.

he is yin and i am yang.  i am fire and he is ice.  i am water and he is earth.  i am metal and he is wood.

i am wild and he is tame.  i am anxiety and he is calm.  i am words and he is paper.  i am and he is.

yet, we are from the same cloth.

we love.  we understand.  we are jealous.  we balance each other.  we depend on each other.  we connect in a transcendental way.  we evoke emotions and thoughts, sexual and non, with words and sounds.  we cheer each other on.  we grow closer with every argument, with every disagreement, with every rant and rave...

the love is so deeply rooted in our system.

its no longer me but us.  we are a pair.  and i cannot wait until i make love to his flesh.

city of angels

la sunset from the griffith park observatory jan 2013

i havent photographed.

and ive been 44 for six days, and tomorrow, my son will be 20.

its beautiful out...large billowy clouds holding lots of rain, some parts cloudy, other parts sunny.  and its cold.

i wouldnt mind, except im trying to get over a wicked illness that has run through my sinuses and is now in my chest.  last nite, i woke myself up choking on a dry throat.

and it wasnt fun going to dinner feeling all sick.  but the company on my birthday were the ones who i love alot in my circle of friends.

we went to a new pizzeria in dtla, had some pizza and salad and drinks....then we went to hotel figueroa to get more drinks.

it was a beautiful, balmy nite, and i was happy.

*****

except, i wish he were with us.

i wish he were walking with us, laughing with us...

and after, i would have shown him my dtla.  all the places ive found when i intentionally got lost.  all the treasures in the scary streets.  and i want to photograph with him.

so, yesterday, when we were talking, i said, just to be with you, i could die happy.

he said, no, dont say that.  thats like what happened to meg ryan.

in the city of angels.

i love that movie.  for many reasons, but the first and foremost is the ending.

to die happy.  to die before one gets too old.  to die in the arms of the one you love.  to be loved.

and how he loves me.

this man takes my breath away, and when i am on the phone with him, its as if the distance between us is nonexistent.

he used the word transcendental once.

and many times after.

its perfectly fitting to describe what has transpired.

*****

i wish i can remember all that we talk about in a day, starting from when he wakes me up to the last call of the day.

i wish i can remember the plans, the affection, the words.

i wish i can remember how many times we tell each other we love each other...

the love i have for him frees me from who i was before, the woman who didnt believe, who didnt expect, and more importantly, who didnt want.

i had no time for this business of partnership, of love.

i remember when the detective hurt my feelings when he was candid about how i didnt need love, that i thought it was silly to need someone to share my life with.

he was right.  he was absolutely right.

and it hurt.

it made me look at myself in an honest way.  it made me reflect back on all the psuedo situations ive had, and i asked myself if i was indeed resistant.

and i was.

i still am.

i only want one.

thats all i need.

my psychological make up has been altered by the love i have for this man, and i must say, i am happy.

*****

his city is being hit by a terrible blizzard.

he was telling me a bit about the road conditions earlier today, when i said, and you want me to live there?

if you like snow and cold, he said.

i dont like it.  ive become a cali girl, and i love the weather here.  but i know i have to move there.  should i buy some winter clothes now when it goes on sale?  and in case it doesnt work, ill donate it to goodwill or something.

and we laughed it off.

just like that.

*****

the flow between us has been so sweet and easy.

there was a shift, i believe, when he began to have an truthful relationship with himself.  this was a few weeks back when he hit a stumbling back, and he got up a different man.

stronger.  braver.  more truthful.

and i know its hard.

when i began my journey into my truth, the Uni-verse cleaned out my proverbial life closet.  he took out who and what no longer served me.

the first to go were the fatty bitch and the 200 lb loser.  then it was my job at the high school.  what i realize now in retrospect is that every one that came after the 200 lb loser were cleaned out immediately without any of the drag that i allowed with him.

the longest situations were the hiker and the detective.  i think i had a few times with the 31 year old and with others that i cannot and do not remember now.

they are in the past.

and if i had to go through them to get where i am now with who i am now and as i am now, i will do it.

*****

work has been a struggle.

i feel like a phony, a person dressed as a teacher without being aligned to what this district believes in.

i do not believe in standardized tests.  they dont measure a student.  they dont measure progress because the students are not all at the same starting point.  they cant finish at the same finish line.

i have students who are not good at tests, but they can talk about the nfl players and their stats.  who the fuck goes to bars and talk about sumerians?

i have students who are artists and are creative, but they dont know how to regroup.  who the fuck stands around at dinner parties talking about erosion and the water cycle?

i have students who would rather read than do homework, but they dont know how to write a complete sentence.  who the fuck has a dinner date and discuss proportions?

i mean, come on!!!

yes, i understand there is a need to teach these random, boring subjects, but im not buying it.  im educated, and you know what i love talking to my friends about?  movies.  music.  the cute guy with the hot ass on the wednesday nite show.  the stupid bitch gossip guy who is worse than a middle school girl.

what i teach is this:  respect.  respect for others.  respect for education.  respect for life.  respect for self.  they love the stories i tell them of former students and how they got up when they were down.

this crap that im uselessly stuffing down their throats?

it makes me just as sick.

and i have to go back to Source, to my God, and i have to speak with Him about how lost i am, about how deeply disappointed in myself i am at failing Him, and i have to be honest with Him and tell Him that i do not know where i belong.

i am a good educator.  but i am failing these kids by cramming this stuff in their minds.  i am failing them by testing and testing and testing.

my students are more than percentages.  they are more than 31 fucking questions.

they are more.

and i am, too.

muse

usa, part griffith park observatory, griffith park, ca january 2013

there is something about this man that moves me.

he is so fucking beautiful, and even though we are separated by that land mass up there, i know one thing:  i am his.

i love him.

i love him with the breath inside of me.  i love with him with my minds eye, with my heart that is so full of hope and of acceptance about him.

and dear God, i love him in a way that ive always wanted to love.

he is my muse.

my words flow because of his essence, my thoughts are solely his, and my body, my body that once cant be sated, belongs to him.

and i am pulled in two directions.  pulled to join him physically.  and pulled to wait, to be patient, to listen to God saying to watch for Divine timing.

*****
i think about all the others who have come before.

some were tepid.

others were intense.

intensity in writing.  in sex.  in connection.

but there was always something not right.

there was always a moment when i knew that the fit was off.  that we didnt belong with each other.

ive been so fortunate.  blessed beyond belief that i have had those experiences.  ive had the chance to be with some great lovers, good men, sexy men...and some boys...

but this man.

i want him.

and him alone will do.

on being tender and needing self-care

la jolla, ca november 2012

there are times in a day where i feel the need to retreat.

it gets too loud or there is such a need of my attention that it is overwhelming.

when i was a counselor, my day was full, and i have grown a sensitivity to being needed that i want to get away, turn off my phone, and seek solace in the ocean.

ever since last week, i have become more attuned to myself, my feelings, my actions, my thoughts, and i have learned to listen more and not brush them off like i usually do.

*****
ive done some meditation and released many emotions.  ive cried, ive discussed, ive opened up, and ive shared.

last nite, he and i had a conversation that included mainly moans and grunts...and the climax ended with a shouting of our names and expletives.

it was amazing.  ive never felt that before, not in such an intimate way.  its as if my soul had orgasmed.  and my heart was beating hard and loud, and i felt so close to him.

of course, he had to go.  he had to tend to his little one, and i had to...well, i had to nap.

and so i did.

but before i did, i sent him an email saying that id like to meet, and again, he didnt say yes.

how many more times can i offer and be denied?

he claims he didnt deny, but fuck, it felt like it.

when i woke up from my nap and showered, i felt a clarity.  i wrote him a long email, rife with some revelations about myself.  it was honest and raw, and i was grateful at how my words flowed.

this morning, he called.  early, as requested.

he praised the email.  spoke in detail about how it made him feel, how he loved my writing.

later on in the day, when i asked him to respond to it, he said, i thought i said everything this morning.

and i was cut.

even now, as i sit here, hours later, i feel a gash so deep that it has moved me into silence.

and i need to deal with it.

*****
i feel myself detaching from him.  not completely, but i feel a shift in my emotions and in my words.

i still do love him very much.

this didnt just happen.  there has been an issue deep inside of me that i havent spoken of with him because it will hurt me if i address it.

its a rejection about meeting and a disregard for what i do, what ive done, when we are apart.  ive brought it up before, in an email, and like many things in my email, he doesnt address it.

because its not important to him.

and it doesnt have to be, you know?

he and i are independent.  he doesnt cause my happiness or unhappiness and vice versa.

but this thing.  its been eating me up, and i have dismissed it, but its bubbling up, and i have to fucking take a look at it.

there is also one other thing that is hurting me that he has completely disregarded.  and i dont want to ever discuss it, but i fear it will be a point of contention and i will have to dismiss this relationship.

*****
the virgo has resurfaced.  and i find myself rolling my eyes at his name in my inbox, my emails succinct and aloof.

the other day, he wrote he was tired.

take a nap, i wrote.

wait, what kind of nap?  you have two different meanings for it, he responded.

i didnt touch it.

a year ago, when we were hanging out, our euphemism for sex was taking a nap.

i slept him only twice, and it was pretty mediocre.  i think i had more of a blood rush when i got this job than any orgasm i had with him.

we just didnt connect, and i wanted to, but my body doesnt lie.  it didnt take.  i was extremely disappointed, and i hated it.

our emails now are pretty apprehensive...i dont want to engage, though ive smiled a few times at his sarcasm.

and ive told him that it wasnt an invitation when i told him i was going to take a nap when i got home on tuesday.  i really felt weak, and i needed to rest.

hes getting his own place because his brother is moving in with their mother.  which is cool.  the last time he lived alone was when he lived with his exgf for whom he carries a torch.

i wish him luck with that, but i doubt we will see each other again.

i just dont want to.

*****
three years ago, i wrote a letter to God about the perfect one for me.

it happened on a monday afternoon at shels kitchen table.  i went to her after i found out about the fatty bitch and the 200 lb loser.

i wrote it to manifest a man, but not really believing he existed.  and it was also a test for God, to see if He can create such a man.

when i finished the letter, i folded it into a tiny oblong shape and stuffed in her God jar that a friend had gifted to her.

i saw the jar the other day while she was taking her pregnancy test, and i asked her to please retrieve my letter, and she did.

i read it again on monday, and i shared it with him soon after.

the letter had become a prayer that was deep in my broken soul, a prayer that was to be answered in His divine time.

a prayer that was answered in the form of him.

but i dont know if i can do this.  if i can hold my end up and carry this through.

what if he doesnt?

i dont have years to wait.

maybe he is the one, my gift, but if he is unavailable, then isnt it enough that he exists and that i got to know him in a way that was absent of everything but love?
*****
men are from mars, and women are from venus.

we communicate differently, we analyze differently, we behave differently, we process differently.  and it is maddening.

ive avoided drama because its so not worth it, but i know that it is in conflict that we grow.

and he and i seem to constantly grow closer after we become aligned, but dear God, i dont know if this time i have the fight left in me.

i dont know if im the kind of woman who will persevere in relationships.  i dont know if i have the desire to work things out.

i dont know if i want to.

*****
off to meet dines for my first of many bday celebrations.

we are going to write again.  well, try anyway.

and tomorrow, a dinner with dapel to try a new restaurant.

saturday, after the conference, a bday dinner with the gang.

sunday, dinner with shel.

and who knows after that?

i need to spend time with matt, but hes got school and work.  cats in the cradle.  he is focused, like me, and neglects everything but school and work.

and like his mother, he is unapologetic and needs not to explain.

i worry about him.  i worry that he himself is aloof.  its an aquarian trait, but i observe it when hes around others.  he doesnt attach, except he was pretty broken when he and his girlfriend broke up.

however, he got over it, and he simply said, i hope she finds someone.  shes a good girl.  and if he hurts her, ill kick his ass.

galant, yeah?


i dont promote violence, but i understand where this came from.  he has a need to protect.

when she and i had lunch, she said there was a boy interested in her.  she said she would entertain him.  reluctantly.

but she will.

she has to move on.

and so do i.