endings and beginnings

bolsa chica, ca august 2012

 as 2012 winds down to a close, im going to say good bye to this blog.

truth is when i started it, i was desperate to start anew.  and well, frankly, im no longer desperate.

ive gone through a transformation of the spiritual and emotional sort.

i am in love.  with a man.

he is my heart, my soul, and i cannot imagine going through this transformation without him.

however.

it is hardly ideal.

it is a test of strength, determination, patience, and in essence of love.

in order to be together, he and i will have to face challenges that will hurt others.

and i am not a fan of that.

i wish i could give up on this, but i cant.

ive prayed for the last two years to love and to be loved, and if God answers my prayers in the form of this man who has a poets soul and a beautiful body and an amazing disposition, then i will honor it.

i have no other choice.

ive learned to trust in Him whose love endears me, and i believe in His divine timing.

i didnt ask for this man.  we started out as friends, online buddies involved with others.

i didnt want someone with his situation.  ive had affairs before, but i refuse to have one with him.

i didnt want someone so far away.  my interest level wanes with how many miles separates us.

but this man, this beautiful man who ive shared deep emotions with, has my heart.

im not saying that we will end happily ever after.  maybe we will just end.

for now, though, i think ill stay.

so, my dear blog.  thank you for your space.  thank you for holding my secrets and my fears and my hopes and dreams.

thank you for guarding my privacy.

and thank you for not judging.

update

mission san diego alcala san diego, ca november 2012

survived the end of life as we know it.  the mayans never said 12.21.12 was the end of the world.  thats mans construct.

and it makes me wonder sometimes.

ive believed so much in others ideas and not so much on my own.

*****
work has been another different path, and im ever so grateful.

as predicted, its been five years as a counselor, and that has ended.

and oh, god...im so truly blessed.

where i am now is an hour commute each way, and i dont mind an early wake up call.  because i wake up to the voice of a man who ive grown to love as a man, as a friend, as my future.

my colleagues are very generous, funny, and welcoming.  ive been blessed beyond my limited beliefs, and i love it.  grateful.  blessed.  guided.

*****
im hurting today.

last monday, i was informed that a former student of mine from two years ago passed away last saturday from leukemia.

i was crippled, esp after the deaths of the sunny hook babies and adults, upon hearing this news.

this will be the second year of a death around the holidays.  last year, it was triple t.  and this year.

this year.

ive had a great year, but...dear God.

theres a reason for this.  i have to live a life believing that there are reasons for tragedies, if only to bring me to my knees before the Father asking for His love to surround me.

*****
love.

love has been prominent lately.

and love has left me, as well.

i believe that the friendship between anapi and i is over, and i wish i were sad, but im not.  it was simply time to let go in order for her...and for me...to find new friendships.

the hiker has moved in with a woman with whom he has been seeing for more than a year.  and im happy for him.  he still sends me random cock shots...and just recently, a video of him masturbating.

the cock looked familiar, his hands, his moans...all familiar, but its been over for a long time, and it no longer affects me the way it had.

the detective has also revealed that he has a girlfriend and told me about her job.  seems like shes in a powerful position in the medical field, and i told him i am very happy for him.

*****
we met up last monday.

i told him before i got there that my student had passed, and when he greeted me at my favorite spot in dtla, he held me tightly.

it wasnt lustily, it was more platonic, and i sat across from him while he smiled at me and looked me in the eyes.

he wanted to discuss my day, but i couldnt.  i shut down.  he knew.  and he kept pressing.

he smiled at me.

i looked away.

whats up? i asked.

you tell me.  how was your day?  anything fun happen?

yes.  i was at the courthouse.

why?

i got married.
he looked at my ring finger on my left hand.

nice ring.  whos the guy?

i was quiet.
come on.  how are you?

im fine.  here, this is for you.

i pushed an envelope and a gift wrapped rectangle towards him.


he opened the card and laughed appropriately at the front which had a santa looking at a kid threateningly with this in quotes:  you saw no one kissing under the tree...got it?

good one, he said.

i knew youd like it.

can i open this now?  he asked pointing to the gift.
no, not until christmas or whenever you open gifts.

we talked and laughed.

two friends.  exlovers.  each with his/her own life that doesnt include the other.

lets get out of here, he suggested.

we walked to his car where he got his jacket and asked if he could open the gift.

i conceded.  he opened it and found a book he had recommended to me the second time we went out.

you didnt even read it, he said.

i was quiet as he thumbed through the book, and he found underlined words, phrases; dogeared pages; and answered questions.

the book was interesting.  he read it after his divorce to make better sense of who he is in terms of love.  he told me that i needed to do the same, so on the second time we went out, after dinner, we made a trip to my favorite independent bookstore in pasadena.

he was distracting to me as he ran his fingers up my bare legs.  he kneeled down to pick up a book, and he put his nose to my pussy.

you smell good, hed said.

i remember moving away from him to another aisle, and he followed me.  he stood behind me and pushed his crotch against my ass.

we left the bookstore in a rush, went to my car, and he kissed me before i got inside.  his hands and lips had been all over me that night...and i felt apprehensive.  he was a nice guy, but.

theres always a but.

when he looked at the book, he asked me, which style are you?

do you even have to ask?

im thinking youre like me.

oh?  which are you?

im an avoider.

bingo.

we walked to my car, and he asked, where to?

arts district.  i want to photograph the walls.  but i have to tell you that im expecting a call, and i am going to take it.

okay.  who will it be?

a friend.  i need to talk to him.

the phone call came as he was telling me to pull into the parking garage where he said i can photograph an awesome la skyline.  the garage was closed, so i was backing out into traffic while i was listening to the voice that has been significant to me the last few months (years, even) tell me of his night.

the detective, however, was making smart remarks.

tell him i said hi, he said.

so i did.

tell him im a marine, he said.

so i did.

the detective grew bored of that, so he began to look through the console in between us.  he helped himself to gum.  he mimicked me.  he was funny.

when i said good bye, i looked at the detective and said, jealous?

no, not really.

then stop it.

stop what?

this.  stop acting weird.  we are friends.  we are having a good time.  i cant believe youre still nervous around me.

he sat quietly.  then he loosened up and began to make jokes.

*****
i parked at the usual spot, and we got out of the car to walk around. i had just purchased a new baby earlier and wanted to test it out.

it was fun again with him.

we laughed.  he made fun of me...and i made fun of him.

it was platonic.

no touching.

no innuendos.  well.  maybe some on his part, but i didnt take the bait.  i know how easily it could turn, and im not interested.

after, we got beer and sliders at a bar where i used to go with the whittier guy.

so.  are you going to tell me about your student who passed away? he asked.  his eyes looked concerned and gentle.

i looked away.

whats her name?  he asked.  his eyes were probing.

i looked at him.  i felt myself disconnecting.

he smiled kindly.

you have to talk about it, he urged.

why?  why do we have to talk about it?  we are having such a good time.  we are laughing.  we are talking.  i mean, when will we hang out again?

you cant avoid it.  its unhealthy.

im fine.  really.  ill deal with it.

you never want to share.

do you want to share?  tell me about your girlfriend.

and so he did.  interesting.  a little bit.

you know im happy for you, right?  i asked.

thank you.  now, what about you?  who was the guy you were talking to?

a friend.  i told you.

what kind of friend.

a friend in the truest form of the word.  i love him.

thats good.

it is.  and it isnt.  lets talk about something else.

no, share.

i hate this, detective.  i hate when you make me talk.

someone has to.

our food came at that moment, so we resumed the lighthearted exchange from before the questioning.

after, i took back to his car.  he jumped out.  no hugs, no long good byes.

which was fine with me.