peace out

im heading over to a new space.

blogger, you have been good to me.

for eight years, ive remained faithful.

and now, its time to go.

dont think the significance is lost on me.

m.

open doors

la jolla, ca july 2013

when it ended with the exbf, i never thought id meet anyone like him.

i prayed for some of his characteristics to be found in a new man:  his love for me, his devotion, his loyalty, his old soul, his perseverance.

and i searched for him in every man that came after, but i never found him again.

so, time allowed me to forget him, to fall asleep without hearing his voice, to be independent, to be strong when i felt like i was falling.

for years, i was happy.

i felt a sense of relief when he and i ended.  i knew that there was more that i wanted, that if i had stayed with him, i would be settling.

despite what dines wanted to fight for (staying together), i let it go.  when he found someone else, i was so hurt, but i knew that it was for the best, and i secretly thanked her for loving him the way i could and would never.

*****
today, i want to honor rtw who has become a man who i will search for in others.

i do not want to.  i think he is perfect in his own right and had he known i was saying this, he would fight me against it, but im right.

he is perfect.  he is a good man, he is a good father, and someday, he will be a good partner.

i fucking hate the detective for being right.  the last time he and i hung out, he said it would take rtw some time to fight his demons.  he asked me if i was willing to wait.

fuck him for his wisdom.  fuck him for knowing what i would be facing because he had gone through it before.  fuck him for this fucking prophecy.

*****
rtw is the new standard.

i loved so many things about him, and i will always wonder how life would have been with him.

and this christmas, i want nothing for myself, but everything for my family, friends, and those who have less than i do.

for them, i wish for an abundance of peace, of health, of love, and of light.

for them, i wish for never ending joy, understanding of what is important, and wonderful times.

for them, i wish for goodness, forgiveness, happiness.

*****
i have accepted that i will probably never meet anyone with whom my soul will rest, but still.

i watch young couples holding hands, older couples walking slowly and leaning on each other, married couples acknowledging each other with a touch, and i want that for myself.

however, its just not in my life plan.  i still do hold hope in my heart that maybe someday, i wont be so fucked up.  that i wont mess up.  that i choose wisely.

i have to trust that i am worthy, that i am worthy of love, that i am worthy of a healthy relationship.

but i am so resistant.

*****
see that pic up there?

took it when i was on a great trip this past summer.

i shared parts of my life that are so important to my heart.

it took five months for me to be able to edit those pics because i wasnt confident that i could keep it together if i relived any of the pieces of that trip.

i wish i could share the pics with him, but i cant open that door again.

somehow, someway, it has to remain shut.

christmas eve eve

chinese garden huntington library + gardens san marino, ca dec 2013

winter break began nicely with no trauma, no drama, and no crazy mamas.  the kids this year are so nice, and im going to make sure they stay that way.

it was a bit hectic last friday with sending out gifts and cards to those who didnt expect it.  i love the look on their faces when i handed them something small.  just being remembered is enough, i think, but i gave out inexpensive yet thoughtful stuff this year.  if i had been better prepared, id have given out to more.  i wanted to target the custodians and the secretaries, those who do so much but get paid shit.

*****
i received some great stuff, too.  but it doesnt matter what they were.  just being included is so much more than necessary.  the tokens are just that, but the thought is really what matters to me.

my favorite gift is one from mogan who gifted me with some girl scout leaves.  i love that guy so much.  hes always been so down to earth with me, esp my first year there.  i think he was surprised that i partake in the green, but when he realized i was genuine, he shared with me how he started.

during bic, he asked for apples, so the kids who work for me gave him some, and on friday, during friends friday in the boys pe, he served me a cup of apple cider that he made.  so fucking good.  i could barely taste the poison, it was that good.

i got home around 7:00 pm that nite, and i was exhausted.  the drive was a bit daunting, but not as bad as other nites.

i ate dinner, and i smoked some of the gsl.  i love the smell of good marijuana, and i reveled in the scent.  it was strong.  it knocked me out from 7:30 pm til about 1:00 am, then i fell asleep around 4:30 am and woke again at 10:00 am saturday morning.

dreams were a bit crazy that nite.  one included the man i had loved for the last year or so.  we were happy, taking pictures, driving and stopping along the way.  it was beautiful.  and it was hard to wake from it.

*****
i got ready to meet shel to hang out for the winter solstice at huntington library + gardens.  we shared a membership, and i got a $20 discount for being an educator.  it was the best $100 i spent on myself...well, okay, $50 because we split it.

i loved this membership.  i had it before, and i get to take someone for free.  i used it to hang with my aunt and grandmother, with gaya, and even just myself.

its about ten minutes from my house, but being there is like being in another world.  literally.  one day, im going to go alone and photograph the hell out of it, and then ill post the pics.

the art is amazing.  there is an exhibit on junipero serra and his trek to establish missions.  there are so many gardens that exist in this place:  a chinese garden, a japanese garden, a california garden, and flowers and plants from other countries.  i cannot marvel enough about this place, and driving there on saturday, my mind did a funny little thing as it always does:  it made my heart yearn for that man i loved and wished i had taken him here.

i will take full advantage of this membership, i need to commune with nature, and there are places there to write.  i remember one saturday sitting in the chinese gardens, overlooking the pond, and writing.

which is what shel and i did.  we spoke about our words for the year.  i think ive limited mine down to two, after much prayer.  i woke up today from a dream speaking about self-love.  so that will be one.  and the other is discipline.

she also asked about my situation with men, and i told her how it had ended last monday.  she was shocked. i am, too, to be honest, but it was time to let go.  i love him, but.  i mean, if there has to be that three letter word at the end of something so grand, then its time to let go.  i am still so tender about it, but i feel released from him.  i believe that he felt it, too, that the time has come, and he let go as well.

*****
we had dinner, then we said our good byes, and then i came home and smoked.

i loved it.  but again, i fell asleep at 9:00 pm and woke up somewhere around 4:00 am, and i was groggy being in and out of sleep.

yesterday was spent relaxing and then going to church with shel and having soup and salad after.

*****
the guy from nyc wanted to chat last nite, but i wasnt home, so that was that.

the guy who lives in a loft who i met years ago asked when we can hang out again.  im so not interested. nice guy, a bit older, but i remember that it was not pleasant to be with him physically.

havent heard from the texan, which i am so relieved about.  hes an energy vampire, and i hope hes met someone lovely.

*****
christmas will be different this year.  my son and i will spend it together, eating and watching a movie.

theres just no tradition in this family, and it saddens me.

so in the spirit of self-love, i will avoid anything sad this season.

theres just no need for it.

choosing wisely

it ended on monday, but the truth is that it has been over since he moved out of his house.

and in retrospect, it had been over for me around that time, but my fucking need to exhaust all options and feelings overcame me, and once again, i have stayed longer than necessary.

that is one aspect (of many) that i have to address.

i need to just get the fuck out before getting the fuck out is my only option.

its my pattern, really.

and it no longer serves me.

its been a bit difficult lately to function at work when i wish every minute that things turned out differently.

this is Gods call, not mine, and i know its because i somehow manifested it and my prayer is being answered.

i wanted it to be answered differently, but time has come, and i have to let go.

*****
i spoke with the texan monday afternoon, and there was something about his southern drawl that really sounded sexy, something i had never heard before.

he did say that he works hard on not having that drawl, but i liked it.

and i wish i can like him.  i really do.

i wish i can be affected by him now like i was then.

i wish i can trust him.

but i dont.

i dont like him.

i find his advances truly gross, and when he made a suggestion the other nite that i talk to him while i showered, i almost vomited.

last week, we made plans to hang out the week between christmas and new years, but i will not go through with it.

i just cant.

i have such little patience for him that i know every little thing will annoy me.

and i search my heart to feel differently.  i want to.

i want to really be the kind of person for him, and i want him to be the kind of person for me.

but.

its so not going to happen, and today, in my loneliness and ache, i feel so sad about it.

i miss the texan that i craved before.

i was so damned attracted to him, to his attentiveness, to this fucking idea of him.

and now.

i could give a fuck.

*****
theres this guy in the east coast.

new york, to be exact.

we had communicated before, but i think the timing was off.

anyway, he and i have been on gchat the past few nites, and he observed, its funny how before we didnt seem to click, but now, its pretty hot.

on paper, hes pretty cool:  47, a guitarist in a band, sells insurance, plays hockey, 6 foot tall, not involved with anyone.

and you know, he can type fast and spell correctly.

but.

im so done with east coast guys.

its time to look here, in this coast.

in due time.

it will happen.

but first, i have to fucking program.

and do write ups on this fucking kid who i hate.

dammit.

on a sunday

had breakfast with shel before church, and we talked about photography.  i am so inspired by her dedication to pursue a career in photography.

our styles are different.  she wants to do boudoir, infant, and maternity.  i am more of a documentary photographer.  and portraits.

we talked about how i should do senior portraits because she says im great with kids, and i think id love that. do some shots at the beach or some nice area with grass.

i am so fortunate to be living here in this coast because lets face it, every day is wicked beautiful.  except on friday when it rained for a few hours.  it was so minor, but the news made it seem so fucking heavy.

if we got an inch, id be impressed.  im sure it was nothing more than that.

so, it got me thinking when shel suggested senior portraits.  its something i want to tackle.  she gave me an assignment to open a pintrest account and pin some good pics.

i really try to avoid social media, but ive been toying with the idea of getting twitter, just because i come up with some shit that i want to share, but no one seems appropriate.

and really, i would just be documenting for me and no one else, so we shall see.

i refuse to get a facebook unless i pursue senior portraits.

maybe do lifestyle photography.  its as close to photojournalism as i can get right now.

*****
friday nite, i photographed van's parent's 50th wedding anniversary, and my best shots - the money shots - were of these two little ones.  they were precious.

i was so grateful for the lighting, which produced a great effect.  but when the lights dimmed, it was all blue and shit.  but whatever.

this family is so amazing.  nice, compassionate, accepting.  i think thats the problem with my family.  we are so judgemental, and i have to catch myself when i start being that way.

there were so many people there, a true testament to their marriage and their love for not only each other but to others, including me.

it makes me weep happy tears.

*****
this november was really hard on me.

i was battling some feelings of anxiety and depression, and i fucking refuse, refuse, to allow it in my life. primarily, i believe it was because i skipped two weeks of yoga, and secondarily, i was having a struggle with the time change and the cold.

but cold is a relative term for the weather here, i know.

its cold in the east coast, but again, relative.  because its always frozen in antarctica.

anyway, this past month was a fucking ass kicker.  more specifically, my ass.  but i spoke with some people, and they were in some sort of struggle themselves.

*****
i am in transition.

i feel as if i am shedding parts of me, parts of my life, that no longer serve me, and even though i am grateful, it is involuntary, and it fucking sucks sometimes.

my primary shedding is financial.  totally involuntary, but needed in order to grow and allow for new abundances.  and i feel that there will be a financial boon coming to me.  i dont know from where, but thats not up to me to decide.  i just have to put it out there, be grateful for its arrival, and wait.

my feelings regarding money have evolved as well.  i have finally embraced that money is not bad, that its good, that it serves purposes that i need to have served, that it is the blind pursuit and love of it above all else that is purely evil.

but why label?  it is what it is.

this is what i believe.  and i dont know how i know, but i do.

perhaps its from meditaion.  not that im hardcore or fully mindful, but i participated in the 21-day meditation, courtesy of oprah and deepak.

*****
what else have i shed?

oh, yes.

some lbs.  not much, but some.  i have been eating salad, not necessarily because i want to, but i crave it so.

the one from a certain fast food chain is really good.  probably its because of the lite honey vinaigrette dressing.  i only use half of it because the salad i get is pretty small.

i used to crave a chicken cobb from another fast food chain, but it was too much chicken for me.  and too much bacon.  and too much feta.  and too much egg.

i know.  i should just get the lettuce.

tjs has a fantastic bistro salad made of kale, edamame, cranberries, and almond slivers.  sooo fucking good.

at thanksgiving, my lovable yet highly critical grandmother told me that i lost weight.  it was pretty devastating since i planned to eat a whole lot of food since i hadnt eaten all day.

ironically, without intention, i could only shove half of what i put on my plate into my mouth.  thanks, grandma.  i mean that half sarcastically, and half with gratitude.  well, mostly with gratitude because who needs all that food in my frame?

my main goal is to be healthy.

my cousine came down and spent a weekend with us.  she is on a no carb diet.  i fucking admire her discipline.  she and my sister were all up on that shit.

i wish i can be that disciplined, but i dont have to be.  i dont eat as much carbs as they do.  i know this because 1) my diet consists of little amount of carbs, 2) i do not have a sweet tooth (except for a few days of the month), 3) i am addicted to rice.

its the filipina in me.

*****
so to update all y'all on the situation between me and rtw, ill begin by saying that i love that man.

i love his sense of humor, his musical tastes, his height, his awesome sexiness, his intelligence, his nerdiness, his book choices, his love of for his daughter, his goofiness, his imperfect perfection, his acceptance of me, his sweetness.

however.

i have to also accept somethings about him, such as him not saying he loves me (even though he acts like he does, i need to hear the words...im such a vagina sometimes), him not making plans to see each other, him not being free because of his little love, him still connected to the mother of his child (even though his divorce became final a few weeks ago), him not always communicating his feelings and thoughts (even though he says he tells me everything...i dont doubt that, but i need deeper sometimes), him being across the country, him saying that he doesnt know if hes missing out on something.

i have to just accept these things about him because i love him, but they hurt.

the past year or so has been a blur of wtf moments

in this stage of the grief process, i am now once again in the anger stage.

anger at my own stupidity and lack good judgement.

i think i can handle pain more than i can stupidity.

although there is no regret, i do feel a huge disappointment in a person i thought was of character.

again.  this is not anyones fault but my own for trusting and believing in something i knew deep down was so not of integrity.

i feel awake today, at this moment.

awakened to the realization that i no longer want to be disrespected.

that i want to be treated with respect, and i do not feel it from this person.

so.

wtf.

i have some deleting to do.

motherfucker.

*****
in other news.

the texan is worried about me.

he thinks i need him to rescue me or to make feel better.

silly man.

doesnt he know that the one who gives the pain is the only one that can take it away?

im getting tired of this knight in shining armor bullshit.

i want the dragon.

motherfucker.

this on a tuesday

by 7:00 am, ive:

emailed the texan thanking him for being patient and for not calling me for awhile and acknowledging how hard that is seeing as he will be going to la jolla for the nite and not asking me to join him.

emailed the east coast man my (music) obsession:  imagine dragons' demons.

did a 15 minute meditation:  om shanti om.

prayed in gratitude and with strength for the blessings in my life (like i dont have psoriasis).

made my bed.

got dressed (brown cords and denim shirt with a white tank).

looked pretty (its a feat).

drove to starbucks for my usual (venti iced coffee, one pump sweetener, extra soy, and a tomato cheese croissant).

heard from one of my (now) favorite barista that shes putting in her notice because of the bipo manager (i know her...i agree).

*****
by 11:00 am, ive:

had a parent conference with one of my students (the kid is 312 lbs and is missing a finger).

picked up a student from the curbside (he wanted to stay at home so he can play the fucking GHOST game).

visited two classrooms (i was impressed with one, not so much with the other).

*****
by 4:00 pm, ive:

been called a fucking counselor by one of my (favorite) students.  he made a public apology at the staff meeting (his idea).

presented to the staff at a faculty meeting.

helped prepare for a presentation tomorrow and thursday.

*****
when i got to my office, i got a message from the texan to check my email.

holy shit.

i didnt even read it all, but when i scanned, he mentioned how he wanted to be with me.

what the fuck doesnt he understand?

its never going to happen.

ever.

i know that nothing in my physical or spiritual being wants to be with him.

he is not the one.

he is not my prayer.

*****
my prayer doesnt ever want to talk to me.

he is angry or hurt or whatever with me.

he has dismissed me.

and i have to respect and honor that.

*****
life goes on.

it has to, no matter what.

and i, for one, am so fucking grateful for that very truth.

imagine dragons and other things

currently, i am loving demons, especially the last few seconds when they feature a fan who lost his life to cancer.

it makes me cry, this part, so i watch it again and again.

i love their music.

dapel sent me a video to watch.  radioactive.  i love that video, though theres nothing about it that makes sense to me.

whatever.

the guy is cute.

im on their pandora station now, and i kind of love it.  a lot.

*****
its a mess right now in my life.

just stuff settling down.

things falling around the shape of a love i once had.

this weekend, i wrote four pages in my hand written journal.

i respect and honor this man, and because of it, i will leave him alone.

and im sure hes moved on by now.

hes a good man.  he deserves someone who will love him.  and who he will love.

and it pains me to type that, and when i reread it in a few months, i hope the sting will be gone.

i wish i had the chance to take him to my sacred spaces in la when he was here, but i always felt that we would have time on another visit.

i showed him sf, carmel, the picturesque 1 freeway, pismo beach, and la jolla.

those days were magic, and i will hold on to them with fondness.

and driving down the coast and stopping along the way to marvel at God's majesty has been seared into my memory.

but i cannot live on those.

i need to move on.

i need to be grateful for the time we had, to be grateful that we had the time.

and i hope that he felt special as well.

every moment was for us.  designed especially for us.  given for us.

*****
i know that eventually feelings and memories fade, only to be replaced by the new and current ones.

this is why i write:  to preserve moments, even if the energy isnt as sharp as it was when they happened.  i like knowing that one day, i can sit under blankets and read about him.

motherfuck.

why the fuck do i have to be so fucking sentimental?

why the fuck does it hit me this way?

im hurting.

a piece of me is dying inside.

and i wake up reaching for him still.

dammit.

i promised myself id be gentle with my heart about this.  in the past, i moved on abruptly.  letting go and getting over it.  its perhaps because there was always someone else waiting in the wings.

but he?

i cant.  i envisioned a life with him.  will i feel stupid when i read back on this?

i dont care.

i dont regret having done this.  he was my reward for patiently waiting and not giving my heart away.  he was the one worth waiting for.

i loved him.

i still do.

its been so hard for me.

and i envy how quickly he moves forward.  how stoic and how unaffected he is.

but i remember my promise to myself to be kind and compassionate.

if i have to cry, i cry.

if i have to get angry, i allow it.

if i need time alone, i embrace it.

i wish i were built like him.

but sadly, im not.

time will heal me.

that and some music.

two years later

yesterday, he called and then sent a text to call him.

i lied.

said i was still at work.

i was driving home.

when i finally got back to him, he said he was working at redondo beach, and he was leaving to go back to texas in the morning.

ive rejected him so many times that one day, hes going to go away forever, but for now, hes persistent.

and i am lonely, but im doing fine all by myself.

it hurts deeply today, and ive been doing what i can to not think of or remember the man i loved.

im not doing a good job.

*****
the man i loved.

its his birthday today, and i have to keep myself from calling him because i am healing and scarring over, but i am still weak.

i hate it.

i hate that i cannot do anything about it...and worse.  i hate that i dont want to do anything about it.

not anymore.

i mean, i really put the effort into this, and it didnt pan out.

i am kicking myself for opening up my heart, but you know what?

i dont regret it.

i loved him fiercely.

i made some sacrifices for him.

i ached for him.

and i have to let him go.

its just hard today.

especially today.

other days, i manage, but the weekend is coming up, and i want to catch up on my rest.

life is good.

and it will only get better.

i know this.

just a reminder

this is temporary.

it will hurt less every single day.

do not attach to feelings or thoughts or circumstances or people.

to love and be loved fully and completely is my desire.

the time we were allowed has run out.

he is a good man.

and i deserve better.

i deserve better.

tgif:   mishmash edition

this week has been long and punishing.  last nite, i came home from a late nite at work and collapsed.  it was barely 10:00 pm, but i was nodding off at 9:30 pm.

im not even a morning person...im a known nite owl, but shit.  this job.  gggrrr.

the last three weeks here have been so awesome and fun.  coming back "home" has never been so welcoming and full of laughter.  new colleagues and good friends are blessings that i did not expect.  of course, there are some that still disgust me, but ill deal.

*****
tonite is my ex principals retirement party.  thank God its casual.  the original plan was shorts and flip flops since thats what he wears when he comes to visit, but it gets cold at nite, and by cold, i mean cold by southern cal standards.

its a cash bar, and itll be a long drive, so there wont be much alcohol consumption, but it depends.

we all really need to unwind, and i am all for letting loose, but im fucking exhausted.  im a bit apprehensive that ill fall asleep before i make it home.  and i dont want to spend the nite at anyones house.

*****
the guy who has a crush on me has a new nickname related to his (perceived, unproven) penis size.  soda can.  when eriven told me, i laughed so hard until she encouraged me to dispell the myth.

no, thanks.

soda can has been giddy lately.  i have to avoid him or distract him with students or something because he stares.

eriven was told by a mutual friend that soda can just want to fit in, and if that is so, then it takes time for that to happen.  it takes going through common shit.  it takes bonding or connecting or whatever.  but crushing isnt one of them.

hes cute, though.  real short, but cute.  sweet smile.  soft chocolate brown eyes.  warm smile.  and his laugh.  its more of a giggle.  but you know.  endearing and shit.

i dont really care.

its a past time.  its fun.  until it isnt fun anymore.

*****
life has been different lately.

in the process of grief, im at the anger phase again.  angry at myself for not confronting what the real problem is and being so fucking happy when he calls or writes.

things the last few days have been nice.  but its not the same.

there are some things that i need, that ive expressed, that he does not want to provide.

it saddens me that this is the same person.  i feel duped.  i feel like he was pretending.  thats the worst part. feeling like he was pretending to be someone he isnt so i can stay with him while he made the transition from being married to not.

i hate this, you know?  i hate that this man who i believed in, who i fell in love with, who i introduced to my family...well, i hate that this man isnt the one.

a long time ago, i was told by another principal that time is a tattle tale.  it reveals all of the secrets you keep hidden.

i use this as a guiding principle.  it has been proven time and time again.

*****
i dont know how to address this.

i compose beautifully explained letters in my mind.  i am clear then.

but when i attempt to put it down on paper or screen, i fail.

i come out jumbled.

i come out fragmented.

unsure.

confused.

and it fucking sucks.

because i am not.

*****
so, here i am, after having gotten off the phone with him, feeling like a fucking fraud.

it scares me that we are not addressing things, and im just as much to blame, but to be honest with you, im done trying.

im over crying.

i blame him for being passive aggressive, when i am, too.

you know?

this isnt working.  no, wait.  its too much work.  i dont want to do it anymore.

and i have no fear of being alone.  i dont want to meet anyone at all because i know that my ego will compare everyone to him.

again, the issue is letting go.

my mother passed this on to me. she stayed in a marriage longer than necessary, but she had her reasons, and i have decided to no longer judge her.  she did it for us, her kids, and who is to say that i havent done anything that contradicts my own personal credo for the sake of my son (i havent, i dont think).

*****
relationships are tricky.  add in geography and trust issues (mine), and there is just a whole ball of fun up in here.

he wrote to me how much it hurts that i dont trust him.

how can i trust someone who is treating me the same he treated his marriage partner?

his behavior is such a strong indication, and i am trying to change him by telling him how i feel.

i wish i had patience and gentleness, but i do not.

in fact, i have not exhibit resiliency in many relationships (maybe three times or five), and i certainly do not work on improving something when i know i have no intentions of making it work in the long run (the detective and the hiker).

but.

if i truly loved someone like a friend, then i wouldnt mind continuing the friendship.  it worked for awhile with the 29 year old and the detective, until their significant others put a halt to it.

and i dont blame them (the women), but there was no fear that anything would happen.

*****
so, again, my trust issues have surfaced, though for a long time, they were controlled.

i hate them.

i hate my issues of abandonment, of being cheated on, of jealousy.

they are so ugly, parts of me that make me self hate.  they are my shame, they are the krptonite to my confidence.

they dont own me, but they have a high investment on my psyche.

i dont label myself as being untrusting (or paranoid).

i dont label myself as jealous.

i dont label myself as shameful.

i dont label myself as having been cheated on (it only happened once, technically, by the red haired boy, and he confessed everything).

so, what is it?

my father.

*****
but i have forgiven him.

i know this in my heart and in my mind and in my soul.

and this forgiveness is unconditional and defined by my love for him and by the love God has for me.

it has been liberating, to be honest.

i couldnt talk to him before, not even small talk.  but now, its all good.  i dont feel uneasy around him.

and my motto has always been:  do it first to another before he does it to you.

fucked.  up.

and it has worked.

but.

i need to change that.  i want to.  i have to.

*****
he is a good man.

perhaps we have walked together as far as we needed to, and i need to let go now.

perhaps we were meant to have walked in my sacred spaces.

to have allowed me to uncover layers of me that i never have with others.

but i do not want to tiptoe around or disregard issues in order to keep the peace.  we are both so non confrontational, but there was a time he made me face him (figuratively) and address things.  i loved him for that.

i just thought and hoped and took forgranted that it would continue.  time, you know, is a tattletale, and perhaps he never was this man i made him out to be.

but i never did that.

i never, not once, asked or expected for him to change.  in fact, it was the first time in my life that i really accepted a man for who he is, and i thought that that would be enough.

but i realize that i need more.

i need romance.

i need touch.

i need to know that he thinks of me.

i need to know that he loves me.

and lately, i have gotten none.

and ive been overcompensating for it.

im a fool.

and i dont want to be that anymore.

*****
the texan has been persistent.

calls.  emails.

his profession of interest has been so strong that it is offputting, and i find myself resenting him for not being the man who i wish pursued me.

and i resent the man who i love because he isnt pursuing me.

i ask myself why i cant just answer his calls or his emails.

and it is because it will open up a flood of falsehood.

he will hope for what can never be.

and i will feel obligated to talk to him so that i wont hurt his feelings.

i cant do that anymore.

*****
i have to start winding down the day so i can drive to the party.

i wish i had it in me to get fucking drunk, but you know.

these are my colleagues.

and im not 30 anymore.

so.

this felt good.

tgif.

untitled

i woke up this morning, and i felt a strength i havent been familiar with in a long time.

one of the lessons i learned this summer was the beauty of not being attached to anything, especially feelings.

happiness and sadness, pain and pleasure, up and down...these are all fleeting, and i have been training myself to really practice detachment.

its different from being aloof...when i was aloof, i felt like i was running.  being detached, i feel i am more grounded.

those zen practicers have it right.

*****
its been lovely how socal is transitioning from summer to fall, though this week is maddeningly hot.  but its everywhere, the signs of fall, from halloween decorations to pumpkin patches to awesome outfits to the crisp night air.

this is my season.  cooling down from the heat, slowly preparing my body and mind for the winter, and dressing better than i do in the summer.  im not a stylista, but hey, i get complimented on my boots and scarves and my energy during this time.

*****
my attempts at being okay about the ending with a love fail me at times.

when im busy, the pang of checking in on him isnt as strong, but times like now, when the noises of the day are only from pandora playing on the computer...well.

i feel the abyss of his absence in my heart.

i know i will be okay.  hell, i may even be better than okay someday.

but not now.  not now.

tomorrow maybe, but not now.

*****
the texan has been calling faithfully every day.

sometimes, he calls my cell when im at work, and i feel such a disappointment when i see his name instead of another.

and i watch the screen until his call ends.  he never leaves a message, so it is easier to forget that he called.

sometimes, he calls at nite when im asleep.  i shouldnt  be surprised.  thats when he needs to talk to me as he winds down from his work.

im not ready to talk to him yet.  im not ready to hear his promises, to hear how he wants to be with me, to hear how we belong together.

because i know we do not.

ive felt how it was to love someone the way i wanted to love.  ive felt how i want to be loved.  and it was nothing i felt with him.

i just know that at this moment, if we talk, i will break, and he will want to rescue me, and i do not want to be rescued.

not by him.

and in fact.  i do not need rescuing.  i just need time to heal.  to pick myself up and dust myself off.  to scar over from the deep cut.

*****
i got an email today from someone who i hung out with once.

still married.

still wants to hang out.

still ready to rearrange his schedule.

even after all this time.

i responded hurriedly.  told him that i, like him, started a new job.  that i am (still) not married.  that i am not able (or willing) to make time right now.

not at this moment.

i left it at that.  i have no energy to make up reasons or excuses.

i did that already when i didnt make it to todays happy hour with my sutter friends.

*****
i love my life.

it isnt perfect.  i can use more money, a housekeeper, a love.

but.

you know, i can make more money, i can clean up by myself, and i am allowing a love of self i never had before.

*****
yesterday, at the staff meeting, some friends were fucking around saying that the tech guy has a crush on me.

i let it go.

because i know who has a crush on me.  i know that he watches me when i monitor the halls.  i know that he wants to have conversations, no matter how trivial.  i know that i keep it short because hes married, and i dont shit where i eat.

but i know he has a crush.  he holds my gaze with his eyes.  he makes jokes that only i get.  he gets a bit tongue tied when he talks to me.

and you know.  i can be wrong.

he might just be fucking shy, or perhaps hes just watching the kids who tower over me to make sure i am safe.

he could just be totally legit about holding my gaze because i think military people are conditioned to do that. and maybe he has a speech impediment.

i dont know.

but i find myself avoiding him as much as i can.  not because im offended, but because i dont want rumors or jokes flying around.

they make me realize that i am alone again.

and this time, im not loving it as much.

the beginning

so many things have happened over the summer and now, a few weeks into the fall.

ive surrendered to the changes that has brought me full circle back to the first middle school i worked at, and while some faces are familiar and the duties somewhat the same, it is different.

i have changed.  i recognize this, and i need to be gentle with myself about it.

*****
i write this in my office, on a computer that has none of my pictures.

i havent been creative lately, and i hate it truly.

but lets catch up, shall we?

*****
the summer was short.  by the time the school year ended, i was completely over teaching.  it was such work for me emotionally and psychologically.

i can teach, i am a natural, but i dont want to.

my heart and my soul wanted to be a counselor again.

i met the man i had been in love with, and for one glorious week, we were lovers.

i took him to my sacred places, and i spent every minute of the nine days by his side.

and nothing else mattered.

my spirit was free, completely unhindered by masks and other distractions that i use to keep people at a distance.

he was wonderful.  so patient.  so fun.  so easy going.

it was one of the best times of my life.

*****
but, as i suspected, our time was limited, and when we learned what we needed to learn from each other, we had to let go.

this is where i am now.

learning to let go.

not hold on to a world that i created.

i wanted to be with him, to be in his world.

i wanted to make a fresh start, to move to his coast.

but.

he didnt want the same thing.

and how could he?

he is ending one part of his life, and i was brought in to help with the transition.

i was arrogant.

he met my family.  i thought that surely, he is the one.

but.

i sit here now, smiling at the memories we created, and i wish him well.

there are so many reasons why it fell apart, why it ended.

but the main reasons are he and i.

*****
i nurse my pain with work and with tears and with keeping busy.

my internal clock wakes up at the same time every work day, the time he used to call me when he was driving in to work.

it is difficult, but i know that this is temporary, and that it is time to let go.

*****
but how do i let go of the man who has made me complete?

how do i let go of the man who has changed my heart and mind make up?

how do i let go of the man who introduced me to good music?

how do i let go of the man who has been my anchor, my friend, my calm?

how do i let go?

very gently and kindly.

let go.

let.

go.

lost

flower, mater dolorosa sierra madre, ca may 2012

there must be forces out there that know that today, a rainy gray day in southern cali, i carry around a deep sadness in my heavy heart.

i love the last months.  they will be some of my favorites in my life, and as i turn 44 in a week, i know that i will remember them filled with love and growth and surrender and acceptance.

and the cycle is complete, so it is time to close off that part of me...no, not close but let go of it, watch it fly, and hope with my changed heart that it comes again.

theres a certain joy that comes with conclusion.

it isnt a cause for celebration, but dear God, the wealth of lessons learned, the abundance of love, the humility that i was worth it, no matter how brief...those are what matter.

its not how long.  its how deep.

and deep it was.

i promised myself that i will release this with grace and love and kindness.  and i am.  i have kissed all the hurt good bye...and i have closed a proverbial door.

it pains me really that it had to end, but.

well, its just my fucking luck.

*****
today, i wanted my attention to be focused on me.  i wanted to just be silent and still and to mope and to own this hurting...

but.

three people from my past have contacted me.  without prompting, without me reaching out, without a word from them for months.

but today.

of all days.

the first one is my favorite.  he is an interesting sort...gorgeous blue eyes, tight body, slightly receding hairline, but so southern california surfer boy.  the hair didnt bother me, but he brought it up when we were together.

i kissed his forehead and smiled at his insecurity, and he called me beautiful and sexy, and he proceeded to make me cum so many times in different areas of dtla while he drove around.

for his efforts, i took him in my mouth, and he asked if he could cum in it.  i told him no.  it was too intimate.  and i didnt feel anything for him other than a surface like.

so he came on his hand while i watched, his eyes never leaving mine...and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever done...nothing like that compared to any time with his wife, he whispered as i got out of his car.

he had no reason to lie, and i had no reason to believe him, so i waved good bye and smiled as i drove home.

the chill in the spring air was a welcomed cooling to my hot skin that burned with his hot kisses and his touch.

it became too hard to set something up after that time.  his wife travelled frequently for her lawyer job, and he travelled a lot with his accounting job for a high powered movie studio.

i dont pursue things, just so you know, and it was increasingly difficult for us to get together.  i became lazy, and he didnt have the patience for me.

then work started, and he was off to arizona for a few days.

the last time we spoke, i was on my way to interview for this job, and he wanted to meet after.  it was a hot day, and i didnt know if i would be back in the city by the time he wanted me.  so i declined.

he was upset.  and he gave me an ultimatum, and i didnt respond.

ultimatums never work for me.  i became passive.  his emails and texts went straight to the trash.

a few times, i responded.  he was flirtatious.  i wasnt moved.  he wanted to get together, but at the time, i was in a long distance situation, and i couldnt bear the thought to be touched by another, so i declined.

the holidays came, and he went off to europe to visit his viking family.  he came back and promised me that in february, he would be available.  i told him i didnt think that far ahead.

he contacted me today, and he asked me to make plans for february.  i told him i wasnt up for it.

he said he will wait.  he will let me set the pace.  he will be patient.

and i thanked him.

*****
the other two...well.

theyre just promises of what could have been.

one is married, the other asian.

i dont do asian.

the married guy is in an mba program, and he lives in santa monica with his wife and two daughters.

the first time he sent me a picture, toys were scattered in the background of the image.

he is striking.

tan.  blue eyes.  beautiful lips.

hes been frustrated with me in the past because of my noncommittal attitude.  he called me aloof but found my words sexy.  when i read back over them, i couldnt figure out why.

his wife doesnt give it up...shes the sole breadwinner, and hes mr mom, but they have a nanny, so hes concentrated on his program.

im not too eager to hang out with him, not even for coffee.

a part of me is very aware of the danger of falling in with him.  he wants to do things with me that i have no interest in actually doing, but reading about it is fascinating.

again, after months of not hearing from him, he pops into my inbox...in the middle of work, and he writes this:  if we were a couple, you would get fucked constantly by me.  im sorry you havent been fucked for such a long time, and i hope to fill that void soon.  i believe i understand you.

and i write so eloquently:  lol.

because im a wordsmith and shit.

and if i were feeling any kind of sexiness today, any kind of being whole today, i would have responded in kind.

but.

this fucking thing called love just kicked my ass, and im wounded.

so, i wait until im better and put on some big girl panties and trudge out begrudgingly into the social scene that i arrogantly thought was no longer mine to worry about it.

ah, how the winds of fate quickly change.

*****
this closure comes at a perfect time.  my birth year ends and begins soon.

and how will i celebrate it?

by going to a professional development conference, of course.

because thats what im comfortable with.

then an early dinner with the gang.

i need to drink and be flirty and be sexy and be beautiful again.

a week is hardly any time to prepare, but a girl has to work with what shes got, even if it aint that much.

*****
i look at my eyes in the mirror, and i see how much ive developed with the love from another.  i loved that i allowed someone in, made plans, and actually envisioned a lifetime with this man.

he has a poets soul, and i can only imagine the touch of his skin on mine.

i think of him now, with a smile, never allowing anything but grace and overwhelming love to be attached to any memories of him.

and while my smile is sad and a bit melancholy, i know that he has been a driving force in the maturing of my heart.

may he think of me fondly, wish me only the best, and have been positively affected for the rest of his life.

i thank God for him.

endings and beginnings

bolsa chica, ca august 2012

 as 2012 winds down to a close, im going to say good bye to this blog.

truth is when i started it, i was desperate to start anew.  and well, frankly, im no longer desperate.

ive gone through a transformation of the spiritual and emotional sort.

i am in love.  with a man.

he is my heart, my soul, and i cannot imagine going through this transformation without him.

however.

it is hardly ideal.

it is a test of strength, determination, patience, and in essence of love.

in order to be together, he and i will have to face challenges that will hurt others.

and i am not a fan of that.

i wish i could give up on this, but i cant.

ive prayed for the last two years to love and to be loved, and if God answers my prayers in the form of this man who has a poets soul and a beautiful body and an amazing disposition, then i will honor it.

i have no other choice.

ive learned to trust in Him whose love endears me, and i believe in His divine timing.

i didnt ask for this man.  we started out as friends, online buddies involved with others.

i didnt want someone with his situation.  ive had affairs before, but i refuse to have one with him.

i didnt want someone so far away.  my interest level wanes with how many miles separates us.

but this man, this beautiful man who ive shared deep emotions with, has my heart.

im not saying that we will end happily ever after.  maybe we will just end.

for now, though, i think ill stay.

so, my dear blog.  thank you for your space.  thank you for holding my secrets and my fears and my hopes and dreams.

thank you for guarding my privacy.

and thank you for not judging.

winding down

mission san luis rey san diego, ca april 2011

the past three weeks have been so wonderful and amazing, and i am preparing myself for a new work week.

im pretty excited about going back.  not about waking up early, but thats part of the job.

*****
i had a great weekend, started off with a great visit to dines house, about three miles from the hiker.  i loved her place...cozy, not too big, not too small, personable.

her dog was a bit needy for attention, but once she sprayed him, he left me alone.  the day was beautiful, so we sat in the backyard and talked and drank coffee.

i cant imagine not being friends with her, to be honest.  she and i share a history that i dont have with anyone else, and i dont want to lose that.

*****
i spent the night with the virgo, and it was...

nice.

he made me realize all the things i miss, and it breaks my heart how deprived of touch and connection i am.

its me.  i have pushed others away and believed that i didnt need anyone.

but it is now that i miss the basics of human touch with someone i want touching me.

he was amazing to touch, and i loved being held and caressed by him.

but now, i sit here, mentally cutting him off because he just isnt the one.

i like him.

but what i was looking for didnt translate, so again, i go back into self protect mode and bring myself into the busyness of work.

he was a great guy and will make someone happy.

*****
i hate that the hiker is such an ass and uses humor to deflect serious stuff.

ive told him how his being funny has hurt my feelings many times, and he couldnt see it.  which i dont care about now because its over.

there is just no need to talk to him anymore.

*****
my brain is fried.

ive written seven letters of rec.  i need to do 13 more by wednesday.

i can do one in fifteen minutes when im in a zone.

i have to be in a zone tomorrow.

i cant waste any time doing this since i turn in everything to c5 by thursday.

*****
heres to a fabulous week ahead.

im shutting down my brain by reading a pablo coelho book.

i like his mysticism.

i need some tonite.