open doors

la jolla, ca july 2013

when it ended with the exbf, i never thought id meet anyone like him.

i prayed for some of his characteristics to be found in a new man:  his love for me, his devotion, his loyalty, his old soul, his perseverance.

and i searched for him in every man that came after, but i never found him again.

so, time allowed me to forget him, to fall asleep without hearing his voice, to be independent, to be strong when i felt like i was falling.

for years, i was happy.

i felt a sense of relief when he and i ended.  i knew that there was more that i wanted, that if i had stayed with him, i would be settling.

despite what dines wanted to fight for (staying together), i let it go.  when he found someone else, i was so hurt, but i knew that it was for the best, and i secretly thanked her for loving him the way i could and would never.

*****
today, i want to honor rtw who has become a man who i will search for in others.

i do not want to.  i think he is perfect in his own right and had he known i was saying this, he would fight me against it, but im right.

he is perfect.  he is a good man, he is a good father, and someday, he will be a good partner.

i fucking hate the detective for being right.  the last time he and i hung out, he said it would take rtw some time to fight his demons.  he asked me if i was willing to wait.

fuck him for his wisdom.  fuck him for knowing what i would be facing because he had gone through it before.  fuck him for this fucking prophecy.

*****
rtw is the new standard.

i loved so many things about him, and i will always wonder how life would have been with him.

and this christmas, i want nothing for myself, but everything for my family, friends, and those who have less than i do.

for them, i wish for an abundance of peace, of health, of love, and of light.

for them, i wish for never ending joy, understanding of what is important, and wonderful times.

for them, i wish for goodness, forgiveness, happiness.

*****
i have accepted that i will probably never meet anyone with whom my soul will rest, but still.

i watch young couples holding hands, older couples walking slowly and leaning on each other, married couples acknowledging each other with a touch, and i want that for myself.

however, its just not in my life plan.  i still do hold hope in my heart that maybe someday, i wont be so fucked up.  that i wont mess up.  that i choose wisely.

i have to trust that i am worthy, that i am worthy of love, that i am worthy of a healthy relationship.

but i am so resistant.

*****
see that pic up there?

took it when i was on a great trip this past summer.

i shared parts of my life that are so important to my heart.

it took five months for me to be able to edit those pics because i wasnt confident that i could keep it together if i relived any of the pieces of that trip.

i wish i could share the pics with him, but i cant open that door again.

somehow, someway, it has to remain shut.