choosing wisely

it ended on monday, but the truth is that it has been over since he moved out of his house.

and in retrospect, it had been over for me around that time, but my fucking need to exhaust all options and feelings overcame me, and once again, i have stayed longer than necessary.

that is one aspect (of many) that i have to address.

i need to just get the fuck out before getting the fuck out is my only option.

its my pattern, really.

and it no longer serves me.

its been a bit difficult lately to function at work when i wish every minute that things turned out differently.

this is Gods call, not mine, and i know its because i somehow manifested it and my prayer is being answered.

i wanted it to be answered differently, but time has come, and i have to let go.

*****
i spoke with the texan monday afternoon, and there was something about his southern drawl that really sounded sexy, something i had never heard before.

he did say that he works hard on not having that drawl, but i liked it.

and i wish i can like him.  i really do.

i wish i can be affected by him now like i was then.

i wish i can trust him.

but i dont.

i dont like him.

i find his advances truly gross, and when he made a suggestion the other nite that i talk to him while i showered, i almost vomited.

last week, we made plans to hang out the week between christmas and new years, but i will not go through with it.

i just cant.

i have such little patience for him that i know every little thing will annoy me.

and i search my heart to feel differently.  i want to.

i want to really be the kind of person for him, and i want him to be the kind of person for me.

but.

its so not going to happen, and today, in my loneliness and ache, i feel so sad about it.

i miss the texan that i craved before.

i was so damned attracted to him, to his attentiveness, to this fucking idea of him.

and now.

i could give a fuck.

*****
theres this guy in the east coast.

new york, to be exact.

we had communicated before, but i think the timing was off.

anyway, he and i have been on gchat the past few nites, and he observed, its funny how before we didnt seem to click, but now, its pretty hot.

on paper, hes pretty cool:  47, a guitarist in a band, sells insurance, plays hockey, 6 foot tall, not involved with anyone.

and you know, he can type fast and spell correctly.

but.

im so done with east coast guys.

its time to look here, in this coast.

in due time.

it will happen.

but first, i have to fucking program.

and do write ups on this fucking kid who i hate.

dammit.