choosing wisely

it ended on monday, but the truth is that it has been over since he moved out of his house.

and in retrospect, it had been over for me around that time, but my fucking need to exhaust all options and feelings overcame me, and once again, i have stayed longer than necessary.

that is one aspect (of many) that i have to address.

i need to just get the fuck out before getting the fuck out is my only option.

its my pattern, really.

and it no longer serves me.

its been a bit difficult lately to function at work when i wish every minute that things turned out differently.

this is Gods call, not mine, and i know its because i somehow manifested it and my prayer is being answered.

i wanted it to be answered differently, but time has come, and i have to let go.

*****
i spoke with the texan monday afternoon, and there was something about his southern drawl that really sounded sexy, something i had never heard before.

he did say that he works hard on not having that drawl, but i liked it.

and i wish i can like him.  i really do.

i wish i can be affected by him now like i was then.

i wish i can trust him.

but i dont.

i dont like him.

i find his advances truly gross, and when he made a suggestion the other nite that i talk to him while i showered, i almost vomited.

last week, we made plans to hang out the week between christmas and new years, but i will not go through with it.

i just cant.

i have such little patience for him that i know every little thing will annoy me.

and i search my heart to feel differently.  i want to.

i want to really be the kind of person for him, and i want him to be the kind of person for me.

but.

its so not going to happen, and today, in my loneliness and ache, i feel so sad about it.

i miss the texan that i craved before.

i was so damned attracted to him, to his attentiveness, to this fucking idea of him.

and now.

i could give a fuck.

*****
theres this guy in the east coast.

new york, to be exact.

we had communicated before, but i think the timing was off.

anyway, he and i have been on gchat the past few nites, and he observed, its funny how before we didnt seem to click, but now, its pretty hot.

on paper, hes pretty cool:  47, a guitarist in a band, sells insurance, plays hockey, 6 foot tall, not involved with anyone.

and you know, he can type fast and spell correctly.

but.

im so done with east coast guys.

its time to look here, in this coast.

in due time.

it will happen.

but first, i have to fucking program.

and do write ups on this fucking kid who i hate.

dammit.

untitled

i woke up this morning, and i felt a strength i havent been familiar with in a long time.

one of the lessons i learned this summer was the beauty of not being attached to anything, especially feelings.

happiness and sadness, pain and pleasure, up and down...these are all fleeting, and i have been training myself to really practice detachment.

its different from being aloof...when i was aloof, i felt like i was running.  being detached, i feel i am more grounded.

those zen practicers have it right.

*****
its been lovely how socal is transitioning from summer to fall, though this week is maddeningly hot.  but its everywhere, the signs of fall, from halloween decorations to pumpkin patches to awesome outfits to the crisp night air.

this is my season.  cooling down from the heat, slowly preparing my body and mind for the winter, and dressing better than i do in the summer.  im not a stylista, but hey, i get complimented on my boots and scarves and my energy during this time.

*****
my attempts at being okay about the ending with a love fail me at times.

when im busy, the pang of checking in on him isnt as strong, but times like now, when the noises of the day are only from pandora playing on the computer...well.

i feel the abyss of his absence in my heart.

i know i will be okay.  hell, i may even be better than okay someday.

but not now.  not now.

tomorrow maybe, but not now.

*****
the texan has been calling faithfully every day.

sometimes, he calls my cell when im at work, and i feel such a disappointment when i see his name instead of another.

and i watch the screen until his call ends.  he never leaves a message, so it is easier to forget that he called.

sometimes, he calls at nite when im asleep.  i shouldnt  be surprised.  thats when he needs to talk to me as he winds down from his work.

im not ready to talk to him yet.  im not ready to hear his promises, to hear how he wants to be with me, to hear how we belong together.

because i know we do not.

ive felt how it was to love someone the way i wanted to love.  ive felt how i want to be loved.  and it was nothing i felt with him.

i just know that at this moment, if we talk, i will break, and he will want to rescue me, and i do not want to be rescued.

not by him.

and in fact.  i do not need rescuing.  i just need time to heal.  to pick myself up and dust myself off.  to scar over from the deep cut.

*****
i got an email today from someone who i hung out with once.

still married.

still wants to hang out.

still ready to rearrange his schedule.

even after all this time.

i responded hurriedly.  told him that i, like him, started a new job.  that i am (still) not married.  that i am not able (or willing) to make time right now.

not at this moment.

i left it at that.  i have no energy to make up reasons or excuses.

i did that already when i didnt make it to todays happy hour with my sutter friends.

*****
i love my life.

it isnt perfect.  i can use more money, a housekeeper, a love.

but.

you know, i can make more money, i can clean up by myself, and i am allowing a love of self i never had before.

*****
yesterday, at the staff meeting, some friends were fucking around saying that the tech guy has a crush on me.

i let it go.

because i know who has a crush on me.  i know that he watches me when i monitor the halls.  i know that he wants to have conversations, no matter how trivial.  i know that i keep it short because hes married, and i dont shit where i eat.

but i know he has a crush.  he holds my gaze with his eyes.  he makes jokes that only i get.  he gets a bit tongue tied when he talks to me.

and you know.  i can be wrong.

he might just be fucking shy, or perhaps hes just watching the kids who tower over me to make sure i am safe.

he could just be totally legit about holding my gaze because i think military people are conditioned to do that. and maybe he has a speech impediment.

i dont know.

but i find myself avoiding him as much as i can.  not because im offended, but because i dont want rumors or jokes flying around.

they make me realize that i am alone again.

and this time, im not loving it as much.

today

lake shrine palos verdes, ca sept 2011

the last few weeks - okay, maybe five - of the school year are upon us now, and i am so happy.  and it feels like everything is cooperating:  the weather, the kids, life in general.

the texan has been writing to me, and today he called me my love.

it felt odd.  it felt oddly familiar.

i dont even remember if he ever said he loved me.  i know i never said i loved him.

he wrote to me the other day about a sexual dream he had, and i found it a bit contrived.  i mean, the details are so exact and vivid...does anyone ever really remember every facet of their dreams?

mine are fragmented and fuzzy, and if i were to relate an important dream to anyone, id be filling in the blanks.

anyway.

his emails after the initial dream narration revealed his feelings.   he said hes never met anyone like me, that we had a connection, and we had a strong sexual chemistry.

i wanted to believe him, but i do not.

hes basing all of this on a few months worth of communication, and a morning of sex.

he also wants to start this up again.

i cannot.

this man is wonderful...loving...and any woman he chooses will be blessed and fortunate.

but.

hes back in texas.  i dont know what kind of relationship he wants.

long distance just doesnt work for me.

*****

the irish is from new york, and i am in la, and when we first started, the distance was so maddening.

he moved here three months after we started communicating, and before he came, i knew he loved me.

i knew it.

the way he loved was all encompassing and all consuming...it was passionate and fierce, and it dictated his moves.

he uprooted himself for me without a second thought, and yes, he was young and carefree and naive, but i believe that he would do it again now, for anyone.

*****

why do i feel that i am not a right match for anyone?

i thought i was.

i thought i met someone who spun me, but i sit here now trying to convince him that i am not.

*****

this summer, im going to try again to get away.

find a nice little spot up north, past san francisco, where the air is clean and the water is inviting and the people are wonderful and i am alone.

i need to regroup.  to refocus.  to think of the next steps.

i need this because im withering inside.

i do not know myself anymore.  i am pulled in so many directions, and i just need to stop.

stop.

slow down.

breathe.

love.

i need silence.

breathe

mater dolorosa sierra madre, ca may 2012

last nite, the texan emailed me asking if i was feeling better from my cold.

i told him that i was, but lately, i have had trouble relaxing.

he wrote that i should breathe.

breathe.

inhale.

exhale.

mindfully, purposefully.

*****

i feel i am in a trance lately:  going to work, coming home, sleeping, going to work, coming home.

last weekend, i spent time with dapel and vansa for my birthday.

we had lunch at a restaurant that served good breakfasts, but at 2 pm, we were ordering some mac and cheese and salad.  i love salad.

after, we went to see a movie that i thought was really well done.  its up for an oscar for several categories, and im sure it will win something.

*****

this week brought the return of several buddies.  the texan, the santa monica guy, the midwestern guy, and the ever present editor.

i mean, come on.

the texan wrote to me of his dream, and i have to admit, i didnt read it all the way.  i read the first three lines, got a bit grossed out, then read the last line.  the things you learn in college.

he then mentioned how he never had a connection like ours, blah blah blah.

the truth is this.  i was deeply curious about him.  his voice had the slightest texan drawl, and when he called me darlin', i melted.  and he knew it.  he knew how to turn me into mush, and i let him.

but the nite we spent together was rather...he wanted it to be more of a connection than it really was.  he wanted to cuddle, to talk, to share.

and i did not.

in fact, he said, if youre going to be that far away from me on that side of the bed, darlin', i may as well be alone.

sorry, i replied.  im just used to turning over after ive cum.

but thats just it.  youve cum, and i havent.

you need to take care of that.

and i meant it literally.  he needed to take care of himself.

but it didnt work that way, and we finished off with him over me, my knees on his chest, his 6 feet 1 frame shadowing my 5 feet flat one.

it was uncomfortable while he watched me dress.  i remember making sure that i didnt forget my ring and necklace and bracelet because i had done that earlier in the year with another lover.

he walked me to my car, kissed me good bye, and he left for texas.

he confessed his feelings for me, and i asked him why now when he is in another state.  he said that it wasnt fair to me, that his job took up too much time from a real relationship, that i deserved more.

fuck yes, i deserve more.

besides, he wants to get married and have kids.  he told me he wanted me to come live with him in june, when my contract was over.

i fucking hate texas.  i do not like many of the people that have come from there ive met in the past.  i do not like the mentality and the attitude. i do not like the oppressive heat.  i do not like the fucking state.

so.  guess thats that.

*****

the samo guy, not the married one, but the hypersexed one, emailed me apologizing for his cowardice and for messing things up between us.

when i read the email, i laughed, then i felt so sorry for him.

are you kidding me?

although he has a nice body, he is a mess.

and we spoke about this recently.

i told him he needed help, i told him he needed to stop hiding, i told him he needed to start being honest with himself.

he agreed.  he said he wanted to hang out, but not yet, not when hes anxious.

he thanked me profusely for understanding, for being kind, and i rolled my eyes and emailed back two words:  youre welcome.

because what else?

hes got so much shit going on, and i dont want that energy mingling with mine when the truth is that hes too old to not know himself yet.

too damned old.

and i dont have time to take on new cases.

sorry.

good guy, but i dont like cowards.

*****
the midwestern guy, ever the champion of me finally getting laid, messaged me out of the blue.  he said he met someone, and they hung out.

i was happy for him, he deserved this because his wife is a fucking freak.

he asked me once why i didnt like her.

she seems too high maintenance, i told him.  she doesnt like to be touched, she doesnt like certain things.

i love pleasing her.

thats good.  shes lucky.  but she drives me crazy with all the shit you tell me.

shes just different.

that she is.

he is insistent that i get laid, and i told him about the editor, and i swear, he had a cheerleaders outfit on.

he wants you, he typed, go for it.  what are you waiting for?

a connection.  a chemistry.  a spark.

sometimes, youre not going to get all three.

wanna bet?  i wont settle for just one or two.

i want it all.  and ill wait.

that ended that.

*****
the editor is a romantic.

he declares his infatuation with me on a daily basis, consisting of four or five short emails in a row.

im suprised he doesnt combust from all the lust he has for me...just reading makes me wonder if hes actually writing to me...or if hes just writing.

i feel bad for this guy.

his wife is another one that seems uptight.  and i know im only getting one side of the story, but...

well.  the editor is in love with her.

at least thats what he claims.

i suggested  last nite that he go home and fuck her, and he took offense.

he thought i was angry and that i was annoyed by his advancements.

i had to explain that i wasnt angry, but i was merely suggesting.

and he said he doesnt want her.

he wants me.

ive asked him if i said anything that may have led him on, and he denied it.

so then what?

im lead to believe that im a figment of his imagination.  a creation for an alternate world.

because really?  what the fuck?

*****
i feel like im holding my breath.  i feel i have to remind myself to breathe.

i feel like i am not at ease, that i am always exhausted.

i wonder if its what i am and am not eating.

the weather is getting warmer.

i need to walk the rose bowl.

get some exercise in.

who knows.

maybe i just need to get laid.

or walk.