groggy

lake shrine pacific palisades, ca september 2011

he called me last night when we got home and after i settled in to bed.

i dont even remember what he was saying, but there was a point when i said, its not a good idea to talk to you so late into the night.

why not? he asked.

because when im tired, its easy to lose control of my tongue and say things that i wouldnt normally say when im not tired.

but he took his chances, and we both came at some point at the same time.

he was whispering to me, cum for me and dont stop.

and it made me feel a bit self conscious when he made plans of things that did not include sex.

there is an understanding between us, i believe, that this is not just a physical chemistry but also a mental connection.


perhaps its his age, the gap between his experiences and mine, or the three weeks i have off to play.  i dont care.  i dont know.


and i dont have any explanations for it at all, other than to say that i dont need to reason because i just want to enjoy his friendship.

*****
he kept asking me if i was cold only because then he could say, ill keep you warm.  come over.

but i told him of this story about the exbf lookalike waiter who years ago asked me to come over at 3 in the morning, and so i did.

and i fucked him, i told my new friend, then i left.  and i didnt talk to him again after that.

so that was it?

no, actually, about a year later, he and i bumped into each other again at the restaurant, and he kind of got closure.

how?

by saying that that night was fun.  and we were fun.  and that was it.  so, thats why when you ask me to come over when its late, i wonder if it will be just a booty call.

no.  i dont want you to come over if you feel that way.  youre more than that.

oh?

yeah.

you dont know me.

i dont care.  i know youre not that.  i love talking to you, and if it means we will stop if you come over late...

its not that i dont want to...i just know that id want to fuck you.

say it again.

ill fuck you.

on tuesday then.  if youre ready.  or we can just hang.  smoke, watch movies.

id like that.

because id love to just hang with someone who stimulates my mind and stirs my creative flow.

and other juices.

man, i enter into this mindfully and slowly and with full presence.

it feels so fucking fun.

like christmas morning.

He will bring us goodness and light

uhra christmas lights hastings ranch, ca december 2010

 i love Him so much.

in love with Him, in fact.

and i tell Him this every chance i need to find peace, or to feel loved, or to love.

for He dwells in my heart the way no other has ever done.

and on this day, the day i celebrate His birth, i know i am His.

happy birthday, Emmanuel.

thank You for Your present of Your presence.

love.

interruption from christmas related posting

bench at mission san fernando san fernando, ca december 2011

hes out with his friends tonite, and he sends me texts every now and then to say hello and to ask how im doing.

hes so sweet, a bit innocent in his intentions, which is intoxicating...

and his name is a name i love for he shares it with the other men in my life:  my father, my brother, my son (middle name), and dapel.

just now my phone signals another text from him to ask me how i am.

and i respond that i am writing  again for he is becoming my muse.

he wants to read this, but i tell him no.

hes so young, this one, and he didnt miss a beat when i told him my age.  he merely mentioned something about being almost 20 years older.  thats me, the cradle robber.

but im mindful of everything about this...aware of what im doing...which is nothing more than having fun.  with conversations and texts only, not with my body.

im not saying it wont get physical.   im just not looking ahead to things like that.

so, on tuesday, we have plans to hang out.  just watch movies, talk, listen to him play guitar, and maybe drink hot cocoa.

theres an eagerness to his invitations to his place, and i ask him if its out of loneliness.   and he says it isnt, so i ask him if its out of boredom.

i can find plenty of things to do.  im not a pity case, he texts.

a pity case you are not, i respond.

then why say that? he asks.

and i have to be honest with him and tell him its my own insecurity talking.

hes become aggressive just now, saying that on tuesday, i will be all his.

and i fucking love that assertiveness, the courage to imply that he will take me.

so i smile, and i respond accordingly by playing coy.

i know how i am in the early stages of flirtation.  and he often asks me about my having been bored by others.

but i dont share stories like that with him.  i dont tell him about the hiker or any other.

i dont tell him anything because i like him, and he listens intently to what im saying and what im not saying.

its so cute.  and because hes so shy, anything he gives is such a boon.

hes flirtatious tonite, with the aide of a few beers.  i like it.

and because he dishes it out, i give him the same back, upping the proverbial ante, then calling his bluff.

i love it.

this is a nice christmas presence.

but when it ends, its going to be a loss.  i will not regret this time with him, though, no matter how long or how short.

*****
my son has a job, and he loves it.  hes so happy.  part of it is making his own money, another part is the feeling of conquering this hurdle he had to go through to get this job.  and its not really the best job, but its his job, and he is freaking giddy.

im so excited for him, and his work ethic makes me so proud.

he has to work on monday and wednesday, then he will be back home on thursday.

*****
incidentally, the hiker wants to hang on wednesday.  he wanted to hang on friday, but i declined.  i had lunch with my boy, then picked up his check, and i had to get back to la by a certain time.

i wasnt interested in seeing him.  i find that now, after our discussion, im healing quite nicely, and i dont crave him the way i used to.

and maybe this young old soul is to be credited, as well, for distracting me, but i think its just me. 

closure is so great.

presence, not presents

ornament december 2010

next year, i will not give presents, but instead will do my best on being present.

its the only way, you know?

the commercialism the last few years has disgusted me, but this year, it was awful.

i remember driving my son and his friends back to their dorms the sunday after thanksgiving, and his friends were talking about how they stayed up all night to buy shit at best buys.  and i knew then that i did not want to be sucked into this materialistic bent to this season.

the shame that i harbor is buying gifts unwillingly or unwantingly for people at work.  there was no joy in giving.  and i felt nothing when i received.

you know why?  because it is the night of our dear Savior's birth...and i do not give or receive in the glory of his name.

it is because it has become necessary.  and next year, i vow to go with my soul instead of the demands of society.

*****
the only gifts i will give will be handmade ones.

i want to give my time, my efforts, my presence.

but this year, i am so fucking disappointed because the gifts for my family did not come.  i want to be angry, i really do, but why?

ill just call on tuesday...or monday, but it was pointed out to me that monday may be a holiday...and figure out what happened.  i just want it by new years day so i can give it to my family.

its a good photobook this year.  better than last year.  and next year will be love.

*****
my attention has been stolen by a young, old soul.

there is something endearing about his voice, about his shyness to play a song for me, about his introverted soul.

hes like a shiny toy to my adhd...and i found  the last two nights to have been sweeter because his voice rang in my ears before i fell into slumber.

and on tuesday, we will hang out to watch movies and to listen to him play and to partake in herbs.

finally.  someone who is real.  genuine.  honest.

and you know.

my curiousity gets the best of me always.  i feel in need to hear his story, to hear his thoughts, to hear his laugh.

hes quiet, this one, but hes deep.

and i like that.

i like that a lot.

*****
God is good.

and may the following rest in His peace:  my friend's father who passed on tuesday, my brother's house manager who passed in his sleep this morning, and for my friend - a funny man, a good counselor, and a father to a little girl - who passed yesterday morning.

and for my grandfather, who passed 12 years ago on dec 16th.

may they watch over us as they walk with the angels.

*****

long lay the world in sin and error pining
til He appeared and
my soul felt its worth


can anything be more Divine?

planning stages

uhra christmas lights hastings ranch, ca december 2010

the last few days have been very mentally sticky for me.

meaning: ive been mulling over many things in my life, especially allowing for dreams to make a case for themselves, for listening to the authentic voice inside, and for being grateful for fear.

its been lovely being me, you know?  snappy, horny, scattered, anxious.  oh, man, a beautiful mess if there ever was one.

*****
it hasnt been all bad.  seriously.  i mean, i need to go through this.  i need to be uncomfortable, i need to struggle, i need to grow.

and this has proven to be the best way.

i hate being uncomfortable, so i have to change.

i hate struggle, so i have to change.

and from doing all this, i grow.

thats the reward.

*****
photography has been so upfront in my life.

i wake up and fall asleep thinking about photography.

i think about it throughout the day.

what i think about is this:  i have talent, and i dont know why ive let fear overshadow that.

a word about this before proceeding.  the talent that i possess is God given, and i am humbled.  it isnt so much what i asked for from Him, but it was what He gave me.  he didnt give me height (im five feet flat, and i fear if i dont do yoga again, i will shrink from bone density loss), he didnt give me wealth (but i have such abundance that i am brought to my knees on a daily basis), and he didnt give me fame (thank You, God, because i am so obsessive about my privacy).

but He, this amazing Divine Love, gave me an ability to take photographs that some really like.

and what do i do with this gift?  how do i pay it forward?

because thats what im all about.  paying it forward.

*****
i have to confess something.

i havent been true to myself.

ive pushed photography down to the last on my priority list.  ive ignored it.  ive pushed it away.  ive made it my enemy.  its become my annoyance.

but throughout the last few months, you know what i realized?

photography has been patient and loving.

i look at my camera, and its so fucking beautiful.

its a nikon d90, and it serves me well.

i wanted to get better gear, but i know that it wont make me a better photographer.

ive fantasized, ive swooned, ive even wondered if i would sell my body to get the money to pay for my camera porn obsession, but then, i read something on pinterest. 

to paraphrase:  a photographer  went to dinner at a prominent socialite's place, and at dinner, she turned to him and said, you must have an expensive camera because you take such beautiful pictures.

the photographer remained silent, and after dinner, commented to the hostess, you must have such an expensive oven, madam.

why?  she asked.

because, he said, this food is delicious.

*****
ive been carrying this with me since i read it.

its valuable to me.

i used to believe that expensive equipment made my pictures better.  but i shot my first wedding (the loser fatty bitch to the even bigger loser oaf) with a nikon n50 and mostly on auto, and they came out beautifully.

especially the black and white shots.

i shot my second wedding with a nikon d40s, and they were also beautiful.  i bought an external flash that saved me because my kit lenses didnt offer enough light.

and will i shoot a third wedding with my d90?  i sure hope so.  but a small, intimate wedding for guests of no more than 50 in an outdoor field.  simple, touching, and so lovely.

*****
my cousin is a senior in high school, and im going to do his senior portraits.

then im going to get him to get me five clients or more paid.

this is how i will start.

*****
i have asked, and the universe has begun providing.

i have felt better today than the last two weeks.  i have made decisions that are firm and will not be swayed by fear or the wind that has begun to kick up in the last hour.

i have made plans, and i will continue to do so.

life is beautiful.

and so are you.

wednesday afternoon

venice beach, ca june 2011

its cold here in my house.  sometimes, its warmer to just be outside than in here.

i complain now, but i dont in the summer when the heat makes me so lazy.

*****
yesterday was an off day for me.

i felt the symptoms of a cold, but it hasnt yet materialized, and i pray it doesnt.  not now.  not before the holidays.

and i was supposed to see the hiker, but i declined.  it was an easy decision to make.  easy, and a bit heartbreaking because i know now i got closure.

it sucks that my son chose a university thats directly across from the hiker, though he doesnt know of him at all.

when i pass the cross streets to the hikers place, i hold my breath and hate the memories that speed by that few seconds.

but im done trying to make our time together last longer than necessary.  its not going to work anymore.  im so impatient to his silliness, and i no longer get a thrill when he wants to see me.

he is no longer a priority, even if he was a great sex partner, and we need to close this thing up.


i wish him the best, and i hope he finds that person who will make him lose himself in her.  he deserves that.

*****
and i deserve to meet someone wonderful as well.  at least thats what anapi says.

ive been thinking about this, too.

but i feed two hungers:  one is the hunger for a connection and an intimacy ive never had before.  the other is for just raw, physical chemistry.

i want to find that again, and the last time i had it was with w. 

i was so different then, so open and carefree...jugglling school, work, and a teen.  oh, and other family drama that is thankfully over.

i didnt handle my time with w very well, though i did my best.  i loved him the way i love the hiker...as an ex lover who i enjoyed time with and wish it couldve been more.

but moving on from w proved to be excruciating and transforming, and i prefer for the ending with the hiker to be much less dramatic.

and it has been very mild.  he never let me in the way w did.  he never let me see his vulverability, his scars, his genuine side.  and i, in turn, kept myself from being seen.

which is too bad because i know that hes so mindful of keeping people at a distance.  hes aware of how he uses humor to deflect things.  and im the same way, so i cant blame him at all.

but still, its a shame.  and i wont spend time on the whatifs or shouldhaves.  its too late.  if we wanted it, we would have gotten it.

and so, thats that.  he will always have a fond space in my memories, and i only have the most respect for him.

if there was a time in the future where we reunite, it will be under different terms.  i think we have matured enough to warrant that.

*****
off to a posada and to photograph christmas lights.

never been to the first, and i hope the second will be awesome like it was last year.

uninspired

leaf mission san fernando san fernando, ca december 2011

as 2011 winds down, i feel a mental resistance to its ending.

its been a good year, to be honest.  good adventures, good encounters, good friends, good struggles...

and i dont want to let go.

*****
i just finished making two photobooks for my family.  its not going to be as expensive as i thought, though the prices for last years books were good because of a two for one deal.

and i realized today that i need to make photographing a priority, but there is no muse in my life to make me go out there and shoot, so i must do it myself.

*****
so, the hiker and i have been in negotiations and a transition of some sort.

what do i do with this guy?  hes someone i cant shake because of our strange connection.  i wish it were just sexual because i can walk away from that quite easily.

but its not love, not for me.

he told me once about this ten year relationship that went from when he was 13 to 23 with the girl next door.  he was in love with her, and they put each other through hell.  crazy shit he pulled, crazy shit she pulled.

but they managed to keep going back to each other until he finally left, and she got together with a guy she may have cheated on him with.  he said theyve been married for years now with two kids.

and in the back of my mind, i always wonder if his pattern with her is emerging here.  i know hes been in many longterm relationships, but he never talked about them except for slight mentions here and there.

i dont want this thing between us to be complicated, yet somehow, we have managed it.


ive pulled away from him, and honestly, if he didnt keep the contact going, this would have ended long ago.


so, today, there was a sort of breakthrough.


we promised no more games.  i promised i wouldnt fall in love with him, or fuck him over, or be disrespectful to him.


and so, we will try to hang out again.  and we will succumb to the sexual chemistry between us.  and we will figure it out.


i dont want to be in a relationship with him.  in fact, at this very moment, i feel ive lost hope in men.  ive given up on the idea of love.


i like the hiker.  the last few weeks, he has really shown a side of him that has been missing.  hes been more serious and somewhat attentive.


but ill keep my distance.  see how long this will last.


i hate that about me.  that i dont trust.


*****
and im done with the irish.


good guy, but the baggage scares me.


*****
life is good.


its beautiful and messy and complicated and challenging, but its good.


im ready for new adventures.  new encounters.  new lessons.


i receive and welcome what comes my way.

on a friday night

griffith park observatory los angeles, ca august 2011

 im suffering again from a dangerous condition...dangerous for me, anyway.

its been building up for weeks now, months even, and i feel i can do nothing about it except to just wait for it to pass.

ennui.

symptoms include impulsivity, deep boredom, marginal apathy.  it manifests itself into a slight melancholia that does not feel good, especially during the holidays when i have time to do nothing except...well, impulsive stuff.

time has taught me that i need to monitor this carefully, and i know better now than to cure it, for the only salve is time.

so i sit and i ponder.  and i allow myself to feel every tiny good and every tiny not so good.  i fight against calling up an old lover and making time to hang out.  because really?  i dont feel feminine (read:  sexy), and i just dont want to waste anyones time.

*****
what helps during this time is to write.

today is the anniversary of my grandfathers death.  eleven years now.  i remember because my son was still my baby, and the exbf moved in.

i revisit that night sometimes, but mainly, i want to keep in the dark crevasses of my memories.  it still hurts.  and things were so different then...i was different.  and i miss that me sometimes.

and i miss my family then.

*****
the irish called last night.  i hesitated before answering.  i shouldve been more excited, since he called me as soon as he got back to the states.  he left in october for ireland, and hes here for a little while.

i love his voice and the bit of brogue that comes out.  and it sounds so light, like champagne, but i know better.  i know part of his story, and thats what hooks me.

i want to hang, i really do, but i know me right now.  at this moment.

ill be vulnerable to him, this 33 year old sexy man with complicated baggage, and i dont want to be.

he shares with me his hurts and his struggles, and at the end of it all, he has this amazing hope.

and when he kissed me that night at the end of summer, when he kissed me and then asked me, why did we wait so long to do that? after we pulled away, i knew that i could allow myself to weave a mentally beautiful romance with him.

why not?  we are both single.  we are both attracted to each other.  we both know how little drama we want with each other since we have other emotional shit we need to tend to.

why not?

because.  because then, when we first met, i was still navigating the end of my time with the hiker.  and because now, well, im closed off a bit from connections.

*****
he was so willing to let me kiss him all over that night.

to let me feed the dom that comes out once in awhile.

he wanted to taste me, but i was too involved with his cock in my mouth to move away.

and we spent so much time talking.  revealing.  sharing.  connecting.

the physical part didnt seem too important after that.  it was dessert after a heavy meal of dialogue.

and then i wanted to leave as soon as he came.  not for any other reason other than it was late, and i wanted to just get in my car and go.

that happens sometimes.  theres just a click in my brain that tells me to get the fuck out.  now.  its immediate.  and if i dont leave right away, theres anxiety to deal with.

i suffer from this, especially if the time spent with another is intimate.

*****
today was the last day of work for the next three weeks.

im so blessed to be working with good people who think of me.

i just hate that christmas is driven by the need for materialistic gifts.  next year, im not giving any gifts, no matter where i end up.  i have to remember its not my birthday; its Jesus'.

*****
ennui also brings with it the need to run away and be alone.

i miss sf.

thats where i feel safe and creative and so close to my true self.

itll happen.

ill have a new zip code soon.

marked

street art venice beach, ca december 2010

im exhausted.  my body is marked.  the muscles in my thighs and my arms are sore from pushing and pulling.

but the 28 year old kept up well last night, for which i was grateful.

*****
the drive there was far, and as always, i was running late because i was dawdling.

when i got to his place, he met me on the sidewalk, and he hugged me.

his place is small, but comfortable, what i expected for a law student.  and one of my favorite movies was playing in the background.

i sat on the leather couch in front of his huge flat screen, and he sat by me.  i kept my jacket on and attempted at small talk, but i failed.

the movie had scary bits in it, so when i let out a small scream over a scene, he laughed and pulled me close.

hes bigger in physique than ive ever been with, and it suited me well.

i dont know who kissed who first, but it wasnt a full on make out session in the beginning.

he led me to his bed, which was a few feet from his couch, and he kissed me all over.

he pulled up my dress, and he looked down at me and said, god, youre so sexy.

its the lighting, i tell him.

i guided his fingers down to my waiting wetness, and he made me cum twice.  it felt different...he knew what he was doing.

he put on a condom and entered me slowly and tenderly, the way i had requested.  he fucked me sweetly until i got turned on my stomach, and he grabbed my hips and plunged into me.

tell me when you want me to cum, he whispered.

and so we came together, and he cleaned himself up before holding me in his arms.

he caressed my skin, and whispered, its so good to have you here.  touching you, being next to you is so healing.

dont use my words on me.

im serious,  he said.

it felt good to be next to him and not be anxious about being held.  he was warm, and i felt his body heat cover me.

*****
he kissed me again and again and again, and soon, he was kissing my neck and my shoulders, and it felt so good that i was getting dizzy, and this morning, i saw the marks he left on me.

my skin is discolored in the places his mouth sucked and bit me, and it stung when i slung my tote bag on my shoulder.

i wanted him to mark me, but it was a bit embarrassing when anapi and sil both commented on the little mark on my neck.

the second round was intense...his being on top and rubbing his cock against my wet pussy, me holding on to him in anticipation of his next moves, he cumming on my stomach after i came.

he sucked my clit, and it was good.  i came on his tongue several times, and when i pulled him up, i tasted myself on him.

we fell asleep in each others arms, under his heavy comforter, moving and readjusting to fit against each other comfortably.

*****
the third time, i mounted him after he put on a condom.  his cock hit all the right places in me, and i came hard a few times.

but a few minutes before that, i took him into my mouth, deep into my throat, and then i sat on him.

my hands were against the wall as i was grinding down on him, and i looked down, and he was looking intensely into my eyes.

what?  i asked him as i was moving up and down his cock.

you look so sexy, he said in a husky voice.

i told you.  its the lighting.  it aint all pretty when the lights are all on.

i kissed his cheeks, and i pumped harder, and i said, when you cum, i want you to say my name.

he grabbed my hips and controlled my movement, and when i heard him say my name, he repeated it three times, and i came with him.

*****
it was late.  i wanted to stay because it was cold out, but i knew he had to study for finals.  i didnt want to be a distraction to him, so i left.

*****
he made me laugh, and i felt the connection and chemistry next to him the way i felt it by text and phone.

its cold here where i sit and write this.

im exhausted.

and marked.

but oh, so very grateful.

familiarity

puppet, olvera street los angeles, ca july 2010

it really isnt the fault of the veterans that it happened, but lets just say they are indirectly responsible.  after all, if it werent for them being recognized, i wouldnt have had that day off.

some of you had asked about the hiker and why he hasnt been mentioned lately in my writings.  fact of the matter is that he called it quits about six weeks ago, by text, and ive been licking my wounds since.

but finding myself in his place again a week ago brought on a sense of familiarity to all of my senses:  the sight of his apartment, the smell of his skin, the taste of his kiss, the sound of his voice, the feel of his bed...

ill admit, there was an overload on my part, and i had to keep some distance when i first got there.  thats always how i am, whenever i hang with him and those before him...needing to get my bearings, especially since it had been a long while.

i dont remember how i even found myself there in the first place, except driving down a three mile stretch of the 118 reminds me of him.  and the rain, the rain that is dropping heavily and steadily, brings me back to a time that he and i shared.

we were sitting on his couch, watching his fish swim and eat...the confetti of the food flakes making the aquarium look like a snowglobe.  his observation.  to me, it looked like a fucking party, a celebration.

i dont want to speak any more of intimate details, but this you should you know:  he rejected me.  one minute he was in me...and the next, he was fully clothed and telling me to come out to the living room.

and so i did.  stunned.  yet knowing that he meant it when he said it was wrong.

what followed, though, the conversation out in the living room, made my heart sing more than any orgasm he would have brought forth that day.  we talked of photography, shared some pictures from our phones, and i felt so much like myself.

a few weeks earlier, i drove around the arts district after getting coffee at urth cafe.  the wall that i love so much had new posters on it.  and there were new murals a block down.  and theres another spot that i discovered in the summer when i went there with the cinematographer.

i wanted to take the hiker there because i want to see how he would capture the scene.  we both have different styles, and i respect and admire his vision.

we first met in the last few days in february.  some of you were surprised when i began writing of him with a mention that he was the biggest cock ive ever had in me.

his kindness in the early months were something that i treasure still and hopefully, i will not compare him to anyone in the future.

my problem is this.  i tend to hang on.  and i need to let go.  it isnt due to lack of wanting to be with him, to hear his stories, to laugh at his silly jokes.  i need to let go because its time.

and where i find myself now, at the end of this particular road...well, its a familiar place.

i dont like it much, but i know it well, and its here that ill stay for awhile.

he has been a fun and amazing ride.  hes been respectful and honest and genuine.  hes been someone i learned from.

and ive been changed because of him.

*****

last night, i spent some time with a young friend who had a beautiful place full of his original art work.

hes young, 30, but hes an old soul.  he was nervous, he admitted, before i got there, and after we pulled away from the first kiss, he told me, youre a great kisser.

thank you, i whisper, and i do it again.

i went there under the pretext of helping him out with an unfinished work of his, and i loved how meticulous and precise he is.

he was pretty cute ironing a drop cloth i had just cut to release the creases, and i wanted to kiss him right then, but i held out.

it wasnt until we sat on the couch, and god, what a great couch, after he realized that his vision wasnt going to pan out that i kissed him.

i had to get it out of the way, you know, so i moved fast.

and while i should have been mindful of his age, i respected the fact that he was an adult and would be mature enough if he didnt want me to take his cock in my mouth.  twice.

and what a nice cock it was...its like my old vibrator...not too big, not too small...and when he came, he was without the usual noises others made.

which was fine, but it was a bit eerie.

i would have wanted him in me, except i was unavailable.  my stupid cycle was unaccommodating, but thats okay.

i like him.  i like his awkwardness, his observant nature.

i fear we wont see each other again because hes there and im here, and the connection i want, i need, wasnt there.

we are guarded, i think.  for me, its his age...i felt almost guilty for robbing the proverbial cradle, but dear God, was he so awesome.

*****
and what did i do when i got home?  i sent the hiker a message.

because to be honest, i missed him.

risky to do on a saturday night...after all, he couldve been with someone.

and maybe he was, but whatever.  he responded.

i havent seen him since that day he rejected me, and i dont think itll happen again between us.  its just so hard on my ego.  and im sure on his.

*****
but all things come to pass, and then new things...new things appear.

there is another.  hes 28.  irish.  my weakness.

with him, there is a chemistry...but also this connection that reminds me of the irish i loved before him.

its beyond words really with this one.  hes studying to be a lawyer.  and i believed he was a player...but i believe him when he says he isnt.

hes thoughtful and thought provoking...and maybe its my libido that speaks now, but i doubt it.

there is a mutual respect here, and next saturday night, i want to feel him.

it was supposed to happen on friday, the day after thanksgiving, but it didnt.  it was me.  i was wrong.  and i let fears get in the way.

the thing with the irish, what ive learned from experience, is that their energies are compatible with mine.  i dont know what it is, and i dont care because i want this one.

funny thing is this.  he lives a town away from the hiker and from my sons college.  its a trek, but hes worth it.

with him, i dont think about the age difference.  i dont think of a longterm future, of course, but i do sense that he will be as good for me as i for him.

and the way he expresses himself, there is a familiarity.

in gratitude

carmelite sister august 2010 duarte, ca

 its been a trying few months, a period of adjusting and getting accustomed to spaces that are the same, yet different.

but it is i who is different.  my perspectives, my thoughts, my understandings.

i know this.

i work at the same place for much much less this year, but i enjoy it more tremendously than i did last year when i was making great cash.

and then on saturdays, i landed a job teaching esl at the occupational center.  i work with gaya as equals this time, and it feels amazing.  she is such an incredible teacher, and i am humbled by her.  and the students?  they are such quality.  unlike the last esl job i had.  but i wont compare.  ill just bless.

*****
thanksgiving has come and gone, and i feel more than fortunate for what i have.

this year was  a bit different.  odd.  its what happens when i dont maintain contact with family.  when life gets busy, i tend to live in the eye of the hurricane rather than try to go above and beyond it.

there is a connection that is strong in our blood, and i feel sad for those who come in to the circle because i know some feel uninvited.  some are, but the others?  well, i feel it.  i feel that they sit on the outskirts and watch energy that flows and is strong.

the kids came home from college, and it was curious to watch them relate to each other.  they did fine, though some misunderstandings and hurts occurred.  they fixed it amongst themselves.  connection.

we are so blessed.

and i walk and breathe in gratitude.

affirmations

art in the streets exhibit moca los angeles, ca august 2011

 this saying was part of an exhibit with lots of doors surrounding it.

i love doors.  i also love windows.  if i were to analyze my mind as to why i like them, its probably this simple:  theyre a way out.  not that ive ever gone out a window, but still.

escape.

i need to remind myself of this because while ive had an easier time letting go, it still hurts, and i spend some time looking at the closed door.

because sometimes?  the door is really beautiful.

there are so many transformations in my life.  its because im ready now for some of the changes.  one of them having the courage to say no to return to my position as a counselor.

this week was difficult, and i found myself feeling the same need to run that i felt last year at this time.  and when i read my journal this morning, the first few pages were about wanting to leave.

it isnt because i want to escape.  i can do this job, but the thing is...theres this nagging feeling inside of me that i should take a risk.

i want to be a photojournalist.  i want to make art a priority in my life.  i cant do that when im behind this door.

its scary, of course.  i dont know where im going to get the funds...but this i know.

i am loved and supported by the Divine team and the universe.  abundance is my nature.

these are my affirmations, and i welcome and invite the love and abundance in my life.  i am no longer afraid to receive.  i am strong enough to control myself.

*****
i love my life.

i love the people in it.

i love the possibilities and the realities that are in front of me.

i love transformation.

i love.

october

griffith park observatory los angeles, ca august 2011

its been a difficult start to this month.

many changes, transformations, are occurring both in my personal and professional life.  all good and some better, but as with any transitions, theres always a time of adjustment.

ive been so well, healthy emotionally and physically and spiritually.  still, its a bit challenging at times as my heart stretches and adjusts to its new dimensions.

*****
its over with the hiker.  for sure this time.

he plays around too much, and ive had it.

the last time we were together, he asked me if i loved him.

and then he told me to admit that im in love with him to relieve myself of the burden.

im 42 years old.  im capable of expressing my feelings if and when i need to.  hes not.

im not in love with him, and while i was fond of him, i always maintained a distance.  hes a longterm guy, and quite honestly, im not.

its something ive been working on in therapy, but im feeling much stronger about it.

im celibate again, just to cleanse my system and purge memories that no longer serve me.

dbm thinks this is a good idea because she believes that the one is around the corner.  i tell her that the one is a  myth, that i dont believe that ill be one of those who get married, though i do want to fall in love again.

time will tell, and i no longer push issues that will come eventually.

*****
work has been madness.

in the middle of last week, ive made a decision to let go.  im an excellent counselor, not by virtue, but surely by blessing.  its just that it has sucked the life out of me.

im a teacher, always have been, always will be.

and ive been a bit suspicious as to why i was there.  part of it was to get closure, which i did, but i had to see for myself that this phase of my life is over and its time to release it.

*****
i sit here now, feeling an emptiness in my heart.  things are going on with my family that has hurt me like no other.

betrayal from an outsider is one thing, but from my sister?

ive always said that my love for my family is my weakness, and theyre really the only ones who can cripple me.

my son, however, is amazing.  hes stumbling, getting back up, stumbling, reassessing, and succeeding.  im a bridge sometimes between him and his father.  this is an excellent thing because his father doesnt know this child the way i do.

i wish i could say i was neurotic in raising him with tight reins, but i was not that kind of mother.  i set down boundaries and adjusted limits as necessary, but expectations were always high.  he has exceeded them.

*****
the night comes early these days.

which is good because i love the night.

when my work schedule finally settles down, i think ill enjoy the night more.

and im telling you, i scored on this place where ill be teaching a class.

its a non profit organization that is close to my heart.  we were offered use of their facility, and i cannot wait for my dream to teach a photojouralism class to be materialized.

the director and her assistant seem super cool.

and i know i am, so this is going to be another amazing partnership.

thank You, Father!

*****
ive spent the last three and a half hours downloading my pics from three memory cards, and my eyes hurt.

i also have to admit to myself that i take excellent portraits, and i have to thank shel for telling me that a few years ago.

i should take up glamour shots and headshots...i know i can make my money that way.

itll help me with an item on my 46things list.

the other night

long beach, ca  february 2009

it had been a few weeks since the last time i had seen him.  two long weeks of a new work schedule that takes getting used to, shitty weather, and having my fucking period kept me on my side of town.

when i first see him, hes opening the gate, and i smile to myself  because i know that he hadnt shaved.  and he also said he hadnt cum for a few days.

the past week had been somewhat frustrating, so being together now is a release and a relief.

i hug him, and i stay in that position inhaling his scent.  when we break away, we walk to his place.  i bring him a bottle of my favorite wine from this place and some candy.

we sit on the couch and watch the game.  but one thing leads to another, and lips touch, then hands wander, and clothes fall off.

he moves towards the bedroom, but he makes me kneel and take his cock in his mouth.  it isnt directly in front of his balcony which faces another balcony, but sometimes i wonder if anyone sees me walk out with just a shirt or on...or he naked.

in his bedroom, he lies on the bed, and i move over him to kiss him.  he pushes me on my back, kneels in front of me, and i suck his cock.

he gets the lube from the drawer, the bottle that will make it easier for his cock to fuck my ass.  this is the plan that was conceived so many months ago.  once, early in the morning, he moved over me and entered my ass with no lubrication other than my cum.  it almost worked, but the man is so endowed that it hurt.

he applies the lube to his cock and my hole generously, and he fucks me doggy style to get even more slippery.  it hurts this way, but its the best way to enter my ass.

its amazing when he finally pushes his way in, but the pain was too much to bear, so i ask him to lay on his back so i can mount him that way.

it doesnt hurt so much this way, i discover, and when a rhythm is established, i look down, and i see his unshaven face, and i am taken by how good he looks.

i move up and down slowly.  it feels so good.  mostly the physical part of it, but also because this is his first time, and its fucking mindblowing that we are sharing it.

i dismount from him, and i lie on my stomach again, and he fucks my ass this way.  his body is over mine, and im leaning on my arms, moving with his soft thrusts, careful not to inflict pain on me.

he whispers in my ear, words i cannot remember now, but the feeling of intimacy is overwhelming.  i love how his stubble rubs my cheeks when he is that close, and that makes me cum.

one day, it is my wish that he cums in my ass, but all in due time.

we take a break, and we drink wine (me) and beer (him).  i usually dont drink wine, but this is the only one that doesnt make me ill.  we have chips and salsa while watching some chick flick that i request we sit through.

we go to bed because i need to have him in me, and he fucks me for a long time.  sometimes, it feels as if hes splitting me in half, and the pain is unbearable.  but he doesnt care and fucks me anyway.  for my own pleasure.

he cums in my mouth the first time he cums.  he warns me there is a lot, and i swallow him all.

i couldve made a lot of cash if i was at the sperm bank with how much you came, i say.

it is intense and long, this orgasm that has been in him for days.  its different than my own, which is rather fast and erases all memory.

in the middle of the night, after we pass out from a combination of drinking and fatigue, my hand wanders to his hardening cock, and we start moving in our half-sleep state.  i climb on him, and he is deep in me, and he thrusts against me while his hands are on my tits.

my eyes are closed, and when i open them to look down at him, i see his face, relaxed, beautiful, serene.  and i watch him until his expression changes, and its more intense how, and he moves me off of him and lies over me, putting my legs up to get in deeper.

and then he says, im going to cum.

in me, please, i say.

and he does, and the night is perfect.

*****
there is a trust between us, established everytime we get together.  there is a connection between us, deeping everytime we share.  there is a chemistry between us, inexplicable and fascinating.

its a lot of negotiation.  distance, work schedules, set plans...life gets in the way.

but this i know.  im not ready yet to give up the sexual aspect that is a big part of our situation.

dbm does not think i should see him anymore.  she feels its time for me to find the one.

and yes, i eventually want to be in a relationship, something that will sustain me on all levels.  thats my plan, and i go to therapy to work on my trust and intimacy issues.  i need to work through my current mindset so that i will love and allow myself to be loved when the time is right.

but not yet.  not today.

today, i just want to make time for him.

to make time for exploring, for sharing, for listening.

until the end.

reflections in many parts

la music center los angeles, ca february 2011

after the exbf left, the first lover i took on was fp.  fp was a gifted artist, and tattoos covered his body.  ansa told me that fp had turned down an art scholarship to ucla because fp had been unsure of his talents.

fp was married.  i knew this, and i stupidly thought that he wouldnt cheat.  well, until he met me, he hadnt, he said.  i dont have the mental capacity to figure out if he had or had not.

the first time we fucked, it was in my classroom.  when he kissed me, i was dizzy...after all, his was the first lips ive tasted for five years, except for one fucked up moment with ansa.

he fucked me while i sat on a desk, after he retrieved a condom.  it wasnt as hot as one might imagine, not as hot as when calo fucked me in the afternoon when anyone could have walked in.  fp fucked me at night, after we had dinner.

fp wasnt a great lover, but at the time, i was disconnected from all things male, so he was fine for the moment.  i do remember that one day, when he had become frustrated with me because i was ending the situation, he pushed me down on the desk and took my clit in his mouth.  his tongue ring made me cum fast.

i ended it on a night i made him drive out to a coffee shop where i was studying for my masters.  he wanted to fuck, i didnt, he kissed me aggressively, moved down to my nipple, and bit it hard.  i pushed him away, and i slapped him.  his face showed the surprise of a double whammy:  getting slapped and then getting dumped.

he thought there was another.  there was.  his wife.  even though he made careful attempts not to bring her into our conversations, she was present.

i suppose it was flattering that he made excuses to contact me and that he arranged his schedule to fit me in, but really?  it was sleazy.  i felt it.  it was wrong.  and it took me about six weeks before i gave it up.

it was hard for him when it ended.  he kept stopping by and trying to talk.  i didnt have anything to say.  part of it was that he wasnt that great in bed so it wasnt that big of a loss.  part of it was he was pathetic about his life.  part of it was that i moved on.

after him, i vowed never to start up with married men.

it was hard because there were many who were temptations.  and then i became a cheater.  i was seeing w, and i was sleeping with his cousin.

see, ive grown from those situations.  one of the things ive learned is that i cannot sneak around.  i cannot work on a time schedule...making contact on the run...seeing each other and having to look over our shoulders.

have i always been this way?  no.

in fact, there was a phase where i slept only with married men.  it was exciting, taboo...illicit...and the sex was explosive.

but now, in this season of my life, i cannot have this anymore.

last year, a friend of mine who was married told me he had a crush on me.  i never suspected it.  when i told others, they said they had known.  they said when he spoke to me, he had this look of a puppy dog.  they said he looked for me once a day, and i was hardly there.

i was oblivious.  and i was frozen.

we had worked together, and we had common students together, so it was natural that we communicated.  but our conversations were kept to academics.  students.  work.  the most personal thing he told me was that he was married with four kids.

he asked me if i felt the same.  i told him i was in shock.  he said he needed to see me.  i said no.  he asked if i had been seeing someone.  i said yes.  he didnt care.

he sent me text messages daily, telling me how he felt, how he couldnt concentrate, how he needed to tell me and how he wanted me to feel the same.  he understood i was seeing someone, that it wasnt serious but that it existed.

on mothers day, he snuck away just to wish me a good day.  are you kidding me?  i was on my way to see dlta guy so he can fuck me and celebrate mothers day with me.  again, he asked me if i felt any differently.

he sent me a text a few weeks later that was short and to the point.   

i cannot contact you anymore.  

i felt relief.

it should be noted that with these two examples, i did not feel a deep connection to them the way i do currently with a friend who is married.

but this connection cannot erase the fact that one:  hes married.  and two:  he will never leave his family.

not that i want him to.  i want him to be happy.

he cannot be happy with me.

and i have to be one with that fact.  i have to be in communion with the sadness.

i have to accept, acknowledge, and welcome that.

he is a good man with a good heart.  his character does not match with his actions.  i believe in his capacity to do the right thing.

and i wish him luck in his quest for happiness because he deserves it.  its been too long that he put himself after others.

*****

the 30 year old breaks my heart.

we have something between us that isnt lustful love but a deep friendship love.  for whatever reason, God wants us in each others lives...even when he pisses me off.

hes hurting.  i cannot prevent that hurt.  i can be here for him when he needs me, but i wont seek him out.  ill give him his space until he wants to contact me.

this person is at a crossroads.  i was once there.  hes afraid to let go of certain parts of his life, unwilling to make the changes necessary, so he feels as if hes failing.

we are friends in the truest sense of the word.  no more fucking or fooling around.  no more pulling and pushing.  we are friends.  and i rest in that.

*****

the irish.  hes leaving in a few weeks, and i have to brace myself for that.  he wants to hang out.  hes wanted to hang out a lot.

and i do as well.  

i dont want to sleep with him.  its not about that.

we share common hurts.  and he feels comfortable with me.  and he is so sweet and sexy and funny.

and i cannot fuck with him because hes a friend.  and hes leaving.

he will just be a memory soon.

*****

the hiker and i will be spending some time this afternoon.

we need to have a talk.

it can either bring us together or keep us apart.

whatever it is...i know it will be for the best.

the picture up there was taken on the first and only time we went on a photoshoot.