the other night

long beach, ca  february 2009

it had been a few weeks since the last time i had seen him.  two long weeks of a new work schedule that takes getting used to, shitty weather, and having my fucking period kept me on my side of town.

when i first see him, hes opening the gate, and i smile to myself  because i know that he hadnt shaved.  and he also said he hadnt cum for a few days.

the past week had been somewhat frustrating, so being together now is a release and a relief.

i hug him, and i stay in that position inhaling his scent.  when we break away, we walk to his place.  i bring him a bottle of my favorite wine from this place and some candy.

we sit on the couch and watch the game.  but one thing leads to another, and lips touch, then hands wander, and clothes fall off.

he moves towards the bedroom, but he makes me kneel and take his cock in his mouth.  it isnt directly in front of his balcony which faces another balcony, but sometimes i wonder if anyone sees me walk out with just a shirt or on...or he naked.

in his bedroom, he lies on the bed, and i move over him to kiss him.  he pushes me on my back, kneels in front of me, and i suck his cock.

he gets the lube from the drawer, the bottle that will make it easier for his cock to fuck my ass.  this is the plan that was conceived so many months ago.  once, early in the morning, he moved over me and entered my ass with no lubrication other than my cum.  it almost worked, but the man is so endowed that it hurt.

he applies the lube to his cock and my hole generously, and he fucks me doggy style to get even more slippery.  it hurts this way, but its the best way to enter my ass.

its amazing when he finally pushes his way in, but the pain was too much to bear, so i ask him to lay on his back so i can mount him that way.

it doesnt hurt so much this way, i discover, and when a rhythm is established, i look down, and i see his unshaven face, and i am taken by how good he looks.

i move up and down slowly.  it feels so good.  mostly the physical part of it, but also because this is his first time, and its fucking mindblowing that we are sharing it.

i dismount from him, and i lie on my stomach again, and he fucks my ass this way.  his body is over mine, and im leaning on my arms, moving with his soft thrusts, careful not to inflict pain on me.

he whispers in my ear, words i cannot remember now, but the feeling of intimacy is overwhelming.  i love how his stubble rubs my cheeks when he is that close, and that makes me cum.

one day, it is my wish that he cums in my ass, but all in due time.

we take a break, and we drink wine (me) and beer (him).  i usually dont drink wine, but this is the only one that doesnt make me ill.  we have chips and salsa while watching some chick flick that i request we sit through.

we go to bed because i need to have him in me, and he fucks me for a long time.  sometimes, it feels as if hes splitting me in half, and the pain is unbearable.  but he doesnt care and fucks me anyway.  for my own pleasure.

he cums in my mouth the first time he cums.  he warns me there is a lot, and i swallow him all.

i couldve made a lot of cash if i was at the sperm bank with how much you came, i say.

it is intense and long, this orgasm that has been in him for days.  its different than my own, which is rather fast and erases all memory.

in the middle of the night, after we pass out from a combination of drinking and fatigue, my hand wanders to his hardening cock, and we start moving in our half-sleep state.  i climb on him, and he is deep in me, and he thrusts against me while his hands are on my tits.

my eyes are closed, and when i open them to look down at him, i see his face, relaxed, beautiful, serene.  and i watch him until his expression changes, and its more intense how, and he moves me off of him and lies over me, putting my legs up to get in deeper.

and then he says, im going to cum.

in me, please, i say.

and he does, and the night is perfect.

*****
there is a trust between us, established everytime we get together.  there is a connection between us, deeping everytime we share.  there is a chemistry between us, inexplicable and fascinating.

its a lot of negotiation.  distance, work schedules, set plans...life gets in the way.

but this i know.  im not ready yet to give up the sexual aspect that is a big part of our situation.

dbm does not think i should see him anymore.  she feels its time for me to find the one.

and yes, i eventually want to be in a relationship, something that will sustain me on all levels.  thats my plan, and i go to therapy to work on my trust and intimacy issues.  i need to work through my current mindset so that i will love and allow myself to be loved when the time is right.

but not yet.  not today.

today, i just want to make time for him.

to make time for exploring, for sharing, for listening.

until the end.

reflections in many parts

la music center los angeles, ca february 2011

after the exbf left, the first lover i took on was fp.  fp was a gifted artist, and tattoos covered his body.  ansa told me that fp had turned down an art scholarship to ucla because fp had been unsure of his talents.

fp was married.  i knew this, and i stupidly thought that he wouldnt cheat.  well, until he met me, he hadnt, he said.  i dont have the mental capacity to figure out if he had or had not.

the first time we fucked, it was in my classroom.  when he kissed me, i was dizzy...after all, his was the first lips ive tasted for five years, except for one fucked up moment with ansa.

he fucked me while i sat on a desk, after he retrieved a condom.  it wasnt as hot as one might imagine, not as hot as when calo fucked me in the afternoon when anyone could have walked in.  fp fucked me at night, after we had dinner.

fp wasnt a great lover, but at the time, i was disconnected from all things male, so he was fine for the moment.  i do remember that one day, when he had become frustrated with me because i was ending the situation, he pushed me down on the desk and took my clit in his mouth.  his tongue ring made me cum fast.

i ended it on a night i made him drive out to a coffee shop where i was studying for my masters.  he wanted to fuck, i didnt, he kissed me aggressively, moved down to my nipple, and bit it hard.  i pushed him away, and i slapped him.  his face showed the surprise of a double whammy:  getting slapped and then getting dumped.

he thought there was another.  there was.  his wife.  even though he made careful attempts not to bring her into our conversations, she was present.

i suppose it was flattering that he made excuses to contact me and that he arranged his schedule to fit me in, but really?  it was sleazy.  i felt it.  it was wrong.  and it took me about six weeks before i gave it up.

it was hard for him when it ended.  he kept stopping by and trying to talk.  i didnt have anything to say.  part of it was that he wasnt that great in bed so it wasnt that big of a loss.  part of it was he was pathetic about his life.  part of it was that i moved on.

after him, i vowed never to start up with married men.

it was hard because there were many who were temptations.  and then i became a cheater.  i was seeing w, and i was sleeping with his cousin.

see, ive grown from those situations.  one of the things ive learned is that i cannot sneak around.  i cannot work on a time schedule...making contact on the run...seeing each other and having to look over our shoulders.

have i always been this way?  no.

in fact, there was a phase where i slept only with married men.  it was exciting, taboo...illicit...and the sex was explosive.

but now, in this season of my life, i cannot have this anymore.

last year, a friend of mine who was married told me he had a crush on me.  i never suspected it.  when i told others, they said they had known.  they said when he spoke to me, he had this look of a puppy dog.  they said he looked for me once a day, and i was hardly there.

i was oblivious.  and i was frozen.

we had worked together, and we had common students together, so it was natural that we communicated.  but our conversations were kept to academics.  students.  work.  the most personal thing he told me was that he was married with four kids.

he asked me if i felt the same.  i told him i was in shock.  he said he needed to see me.  i said no.  he asked if i had been seeing someone.  i said yes.  he didnt care.

he sent me text messages daily, telling me how he felt, how he couldnt concentrate, how he needed to tell me and how he wanted me to feel the same.  he understood i was seeing someone, that it wasnt serious but that it existed.

on mothers day, he snuck away just to wish me a good day.  are you kidding me?  i was on my way to see dlta guy so he can fuck me and celebrate mothers day with me.  again, he asked me if i felt any differently.

he sent me a text a few weeks later that was short and to the point.   

i cannot contact you anymore.  

i felt relief.

it should be noted that with these two examples, i did not feel a deep connection to them the way i do currently with a friend who is married.

but this connection cannot erase the fact that one:  hes married.  and two:  he will never leave his family.

not that i want him to.  i want him to be happy.

he cannot be happy with me.

and i have to be one with that fact.  i have to be in communion with the sadness.

i have to accept, acknowledge, and welcome that.

he is a good man with a good heart.  his character does not match with his actions.  i believe in his capacity to do the right thing.

and i wish him luck in his quest for happiness because he deserves it.  its been too long that he put himself after others.

*****

the 30 year old breaks my heart.

we have something between us that isnt lustful love but a deep friendship love.  for whatever reason, God wants us in each others lives...even when he pisses me off.

hes hurting.  i cannot prevent that hurt.  i can be here for him when he needs me, but i wont seek him out.  ill give him his space until he wants to contact me.

this person is at a crossroads.  i was once there.  hes afraid to let go of certain parts of his life, unwilling to make the changes necessary, so he feels as if hes failing.

we are friends in the truest sense of the word.  no more fucking or fooling around.  no more pulling and pushing.  we are friends.  and i rest in that.

*****

the irish.  hes leaving in a few weeks, and i have to brace myself for that.  he wants to hang out.  hes wanted to hang out a lot.

and i do as well.  

i dont want to sleep with him.  its not about that.

we share common hurts.  and he feels comfortable with me.  and he is so sweet and sexy and funny.

and i cannot fuck with him because hes a friend.  and hes leaving.

he will just be a memory soon.

*****

the hiker and i will be spending some time this afternoon.

we need to have a talk.

it can either bring us together or keep us apart.

whatever it is...i know it will be for the best.

the picture up there was taken on the first and only time we went on a photoshoot.

sunday

mission san juan bautista july 2011

its been ten years, and still my eyes water and the dull pain of loss exist.

i didnt know anyone who died in new york city that day, but still, it grips me with such a force that i cannot seem to function outside of a haze.

so i choose to write.  so many thoughts have been keeping me up at night.  nothing specific, but my God, my insomnia has been kicking my ass lately. this day is so sad for me.  its gotten better, though.  im no longer enraged at the loss of life and our sense of peace. 

today, im just a bit protective of myself. because my heart is breaking as i listen to the names being mentioned, especially when a child says his/her parents name, a parent never known.  and i think about my own son who has both parents alive, but really only knows me.

*****
yesterday, my son sent me a text saying he was going to rush.  and i was confused.  he doesnt seem the type, but when i really thought about it... well, i consulted dapel and my sister.

they both thought it was a good idea.  at first, i was a bit upset at their lack of support, but they were right. my son needs brotherhood.  he had that when he played football.  he felt the loss when he had to quit due to his concussion. 

he has solid friendships with a few he met during his freshman year. as a single child, he has the best of both worlds.  my family has so many kids his age, and they seem to have a good relationship.  but when hes at home, he can feed the side of him that needs his space.

he has been living the college life.  im impressed at how much control and discipline he has over himself...something i lacked when i was his age.

when my phone rang at 1:00 this morning with his name on the caller id, i took a breath and braced myself.  he started off with small talk, and then i addressed the issue of rushing. see, he says hes going to rush, but i know the kid has made up his mind.  hes going to join a frat. he was really honest about his life.  how he always put academics before partying.  and hes partied.

earlier that night, he had a few shots and a few beers.  blew my mind at how calm he was. he told me everything.  the frat guys who have taken him under their wings.  how he felt that he needed these guys who respected him and whom he respected. he told me he wanted to talk to me about this because he knew that i had dealings with frats when i was in a sorority.  said how these guys are different from the douchebags on tv.

he told me of a party he went to at the tke house.

you went to a tke party?  i asked.  

yes.   and i wont join them.  they were such asses.

and their notorious for being players.

yeah, i know.  two guys got into a fight that night because of some girl.

i can imagine.  whenever we wanted to go to a party, we knew they would be having one.  im concerned about your consumption.


i know my limits.  i know not to disrespect myself by being drunk.  and the brothers dont get drunk.  theres always someone monitoring.


if youre serious about joining, you should go to a party and not drink.  if you still like them when youre sober and theyre not, then you can stand it.


okay.  ill hang out with the designated drivers.


you know, you will have to commit a lot of time when youre in a frat.  theres all these meetings and events.


yeah, theyre part of a flag football intramural team.  i love football, so id join.


please remember your concussion.


theres no tackling.


okay, matt, i trust you because youve been honest with me.  if this is something you want to try, go ahead.


mom, thank you for your approval.  and thank you for raising me right and preparing me for this.  i know i doubted you before, but youve always known what was right.


thank God.


i do.  before i go to a party, i ask God to bless me and those who i will be around, and when i get home, Hes the first one i thank for keeping me safe.  when my grandpa dropped me off one time, he said, study hard and dont do anything to disrespect our name.  and i remember that all the time.

good.  because right now, the only thing you have is your name.  and if you lose everything you have, your name will take you far.  take care of it.

i will.

so, what about church?

i asked one of the guys, and hes going to help me find one.

perfect.

*****
the hiker has been so sweet lately.  i havent seen him since that night at his place, and he hasnt been aggressively trying to get me to go over there.  he will ask, ill decline, and that will be it.  none of the usual bullshit mixed with guilt and accusations.

there are no more feelings of him seeing someone else, and when he hints that i am, i straighten it out right away.

i have to say that i miss him.  i remember once, we hadnt seen each other for so long because of work schedules, so we finally just set a date.  it was to be on a wednesday.

we sent text messages and called each other in desperation for the day to finally come.  it was building up for us, and it was becoming unbearable.  that wednesday, when it finally came, we counted down the hours, then the minutes.

when i got there, we just held each other.  and he kept looking at me, saying, i cant believe youre here.

i know.

dont make me wait like that again.

i wont, i promised.

but of course, life got in the way, and there were feelings of rejection and hurt.  and misunderstandings abound.  he created distance, and i followed suit.

he thought id come, but i ran further.

the longest we went without contact was two weeks.  and i began to feel the separation, but then hed send me a text or something, and we picked up again.

but the sex wasnt the same.  it was more intense, more hungry.

and when id leave, id feel more empty, like he took a part of me to save in case i never came back.

in the beginning, we never worried about time or when we would see each other.  it was effortless, simple, free of drama.

and then, it wasnt.

but lately.  well.  its good.  no pressure.  mild expressions of him wanting to have me.  letting go when i say i cant.  me assuring him that i havent met someone else.  he feeling more secure about that.

the last time i was over there, we watched a documentary that i missed in the theatres.  he had gotten a new tv, so he was excited.

the documentary was so well done, and i told him of my love for jellyfish.  he said he got stung by many of them when he lived in florida.

then he jumped off the couch, went to his bedroom, and came back with a large duffle bag.  he showed me his scuba gear and said he was going to get his certificate again.  and his excitement was so endearing that i just smiled.  i love when he shares things with me.

he put his stuff away and went back to the couch next to me.  he was animated and funny and genuine.

i laughed and said, im glad im here tonite.  a friend invited me over to hang out, but i told him i had plans.

are you sleeping with him?

no.

yeah, you are.  you hesitated when you answered.

i hesitated because i cant believe youd ask me that.  and if i were sleeping with him, i wouldnt be here.  id be there.

just tell me if i have  a bigger cock than he does.

i was silent.  i sat there looking at him, hurt.  his smile vanished.  he looked at me intently.  i bit my bottom lip.  i started pacing.

im going to say this one last time.  if im sleeping with someone, ill be at his place and not an exlovers.  i told you im not sleeping with him, and i hate that i have to defend myself to you.  if youre trying to convince me that im sleeping with him, you will fail.  we are friends.  it isnt like that with us.  

okay.  i believe you.  i can tell in your eyes.  im sorry.

good.  well, i have to go.  its late.

youre leaving me?

im just leaving.  thank you for having me.  it was fun.  i love the beer.

youre leaving?

yeah.  wheres my stuff?

come here for a sec.

i walked to where he was on the couch.  he motioned for me to sit down.  he looked me in the eyes, and he said, im sorry.  i was playing around.  i know youre not sleeping with him.  at first, i wasnt sure.  but after you explained yourself, then i knew.  you cant possibly be.  i just thought...

yeah, well, you wont have to think.  ill tell you.  or youll just know if im sleeping with someone else.

okay.  thats fair.  now.  i dont want you to go.  we were having a good time.

i know.  thats what hurt.  youve shared with me a lot tonite.  i feel an intimacy with you, and then you bring that shit up.  it hurt me.

im sorry, baby, i know.  please dont leave.  its late.  stay.  ill sleep on the couch.  you take the bed.

no.  ill take the couch.  you should get a new one.

i know, but its so comfortable.

it is.

and with that, we sat up talking some more, and then he gave me a pillow and a blanket.  it took me a long time to fall asleep, but when i did, it was restful.  i woke up to him sitting next to me, watching me.  he kissed my forehead, and i went back to sleep.

a few hours later, i got up and told him i had to go.  he was in bed still, and i said id show myself out.  he pulled me back to him, and he said, dont be a stranger.

*****
i left his place to go home and get ready to hang out with the 30 year old at my sanctuary.

it was disastrous.  maybe because i only got three hours of sleep, and maybe because i needed to be alone, but whatever the reason, it didnt go as planned.

and if it were a year ago, i would be so happy to hang out with him, but on that day, i was miserable.

i wanted the day to be over, and when it did, he hugged me good bye.


there are certain reasons why i would never have allowed myself to fall for him.  one is his dependency on pot.  i love smoking out and having sex...dtla guy had the best shit and a big cock, so it was good when we had sex.

but im pretty done with the 30 year old.  he sends me random text messages, and when once, i got excited, now, i feel blah.

it isnt his fault really.  i just outgrew him.  its what i tend to do.


*****
i feel such gratitude for my life.  im constantly meeting good people, and im learning to let go of the past in order to let my present in.

there are many changes coming up, and i brace myself.  i get scared and doubt, but i know that good things are headed my way.

and so i practice releasing what no longer serves me.  releasing it with love and with gratitude.

and i welcome and accept what comes.  willing myself to be patient and let it happen on Gods time, and not mine.

and i send out love to those who need it most, my family and friends and strangers.

and i thrive here for as long as i need to be here, thanking God that the weather has been truly beautiful.