open doors

la jolla, ca july 2013

when it ended with the exbf, i never thought id meet anyone like him.

i prayed for some of his characteristics to be found in a new man:  his love for me, his devotion, his loyalty, his old soul, his perseverance.

and i searched for him in every man that came after, but i never found him again.

so, time allowed me to forget him, to fall asleep without hearing his voice, to be independent, to be strong when i felt like i was falling.

for years, i was happy.

i felt a sense of relief when he and i ended.  i knew that there was more that i wanted, that if i had stayed with him, i would be settling.

despite what dines wanted to fight for (staying together), i let it go.  when he found someone else, i was so hurt, but i knew that it was for the best, and i secretly thanked her for loving him the way i could and would never.

*****
today, i want to honor rtw who has become a man who i will search for in others.

i do not want to.  i think he is perfect in his own right and had he known i was saying this, he would fight me against it, but im right.

he is perfect.  he is a good man, he is a good father, and someday, he will be a good partner.

i fucking hate the detective for being right.  the last time he and i hung out, he said it would take rtw some time to fight his demons.  he asked me if i was willing to wait.

fuck him for his wisdom.  fuck him for knowing what i would be facing because he had gone through it before.  fuck him for this fucking prophecy.

*****
rtw is the new standard.

i loved so many things about him, and i will always wonder how life would have been with him.

and this christmas, i want nothing for myself, but everything for my family, friends, and those who have less than i do.

for them, i wish for an abundance of peace, of health, of love, and of light.

for them, i wish for never ending joy, understanding of what is important, and wonderful times.

for them, i wish for goodness, forgiveness, happiness.

*****
i have accepted that i will probably never meet anyone with whom my soul will rest, but still.

i watch young couples holding hands, older couples walking slowly and leaning on each other, married couples acknowledging each other with a touch, and i want that for myself.

however, its just not in my life plan.  i still do hold hope in my heart that maybe someday, i wont be so fucked up.  that i wont mess up.  that i choose wisely.

i have to trust that i am worthy, that i am worthy of love, that i am worthy of a healthy relationship.

but i am so resistant.

*****
see that pic up there?

took it when i was on a great trip this past summer.

i shared parts of my life that are so important to my heart.

it took five months for me to be able to edit those pics because i wasnt confident that i could keep it together if i relived any of the pieces of that trip.

i wish i could share the pics with him, but i cant open that door again.

somehow, someway, it has to remain shut.

choosing wisely

it ended on monday, but the truth is that it has been over since he moved out of his house.

and in retrospect, it had been over for me around that time, but my fucking need to exhaust all options and feelings overcame me, and once again, i have stayed longer than necessary.

that is one aspect (of many) that i have to address.

i need to just get the fuck out before getting the fuck out is my only option.

its my pattern, really.

and it no longer serves me.

its been a bit difficult lately to function at work when i wish every minute that things turned out differently.

this is Gods call, not mine, and i know its because i somehow manifested it and my prayer is being answered.

i wanted it to be answered differently, but time has come, and i have to let go.

*****
i spoke with the texan monday afternoon, and there was something about his southern drawl that really sounded sexy, something i had never heard before.

he did say that he works hard on not having that drawl, but i liked it.

and i wish i can like him.  i really do.

i wish i can be affected by him now like i was then.

i wish i can trust him.

but i dont.

i dont like him.

i find his advances truly gross, and when he made a suggestion the other nite that i talk to him while i showered, i almost vomited.

last week, we made plans to hang out the week between christmas and new years, but i will not go through with it.

i just cant.

i have such little patience for him that i know every little thing will annoy me.

and i search my heart to feel differently.  i want to.

i want to really be the kind of person for him, and i want him to be the kind of person for me.

but.

its so not going to happen, and today, in my loneliness and ache, i feel so sad about it.

i miss the texan that i craved before.

i was so damned attracted to him, to his attentiveness, to this fucking idea of him.

and now.

i could give a fuck.

*****
theres this guy in the east coast.

new york, to be exact.

we had communicated before, but i think the timing was off.

anyway, he and i have been on gchat the past few nites, and he observed, its funny how before we didnt seem to click, but now, its pretty hot.

on paper, hes pretty cool:  47, a guitarist in a band, sells insurance, plays hockey, 6 foot tall, not involved with anyone.

and you know, he can type fast and spell correctly.

but.

im so done with east coast guys.

its time to look here, in this coast.

in due time.

it will happen.

but first, i have to fucking program.

and do write ups on this fucking kid who i hate.

dammit.

over and out

i fucking hate this cowardice.

its the one thing that i cannot accept in a person, perhaps because i see it in myself, and i hate it.

but to see it in another in whom ive placed (too) much trust and from whom id never expect this behavior, it is fucking disheartening.

but i know there is a message in this mess.

i am convicted that there is a fundamental reason why this is so.

and while i do not want to know the reason (excuse), it will be revealed.

*****
so wake me up when its all over
when im wiser and im older
all this time i was finding myself, and i
didnt know i was lost

-avicii, wake me up

the past year or so has been a blur of wtf moments

in this stage of the grief process, i am now once again in the anger stage.

anger at my own stupidity and lack good judgement.

i think i can handle pain more than i can stupidity.

although there is no regret, i do feel a huge disappointment in a person i thought was of character.

again.  this is not anyones fault but my own for trusting and believing in something i knew deep down was so not of integrity.

i feel awake today, at this moment.

awakened to the realization that i no longer want to be disrespected.

that i want to be treated with respect, and i do not feel it from this person.

so.

wtf.

i have some deleting to do.

motherfucker.

*****
in other news.

the texan is worried about me.

he thinks i need him to rescue me or to make feel better.

silly man.

doesnt he know that the one who gives the pain is the only one that can take it away?

im getting tired of this knight in shining armor bullshit.

i want the dragon.

motherfucker.

this on a tuesday

by 7:00 am, ive:

emailed the texan thanking him for being patient and for not calling me for awhile and acknowledging how hard that is seeing as he will be going to la jolla for the nite and not asking me to join him.

emailed the east coast man my (music) obsession:  imagine dragons' demons.

did a 15 minute meditation:  om shanti om.

prayed in gratitude and with strength for the blessings in my life (like i dont have psoriasis).

made my bed.

got dressed (brown cords and denim shirt with a white tank).

looked pretty (its a feat).

drove to starbucks for my usual (venti iced coffee, one pump sweetener, extra soy, and a tomato cheese croissant).

heard from one of my (now) favorite barista that shes putting in her notice because of the bipo manager (i know her...i agree).

*****
by 11:00 am, ive:

had a parent conference with one of my students (the kid is 312 lbs and is missing a finger).

picked up a student from the curbside (he wanted to stay at home so he can play the fucking GHOST game).

visited two classrooms (i was impressed with one, not so much with the other).

*****
by 4:00 pm, ive:

been called a fucking counselor by one of my (favorite) students.  he made a public apology at the staff meeting (his idea).

presented to the staff at a faculty meeting.

helped prepare for a presentation tomorrow and thursday.

*****
when i got to my office, i got a message from the texan to check my email.

holy shit.

i didnt even read it all, but when i scanned, he mentioned how he wanted to be with me.

what the fuck doesnt he understand?

its never going to happen.

ever.

i know that nothing in my physical or spiritual being wants to be with him.

he is not the one.

he is not my prayer.

*****
my prayer doesnt ever want to talk to me.

he is angry or hurt or whatever with me.

he has dismissed me.

and i have to respect and honor that.

*****
life goes on.

it has to, no matter what.

and i, for one, am so fucking grateful for that very truth.

imagine dragons and other things

currently, i am loving demons, especially the last few seconds when they feature a fan who lost his life to cancer.

it makes me cry, this part, so i watch it again and again.

i love their music.

dapel sent me a video to watch.  radioactive.  i love that video, though theres nothing about it that makes sense to me.

whatever.

the guy is cute.

im on their pandora station now, and i kind of love it.  a lot.

*****
its a mess right now in my life.

just stuff settling down.

things falling around the shape of a love i once had.

this weekend, i wrote four pages in my hand written journal.

i respect and honor this man, and because of it, i will leave him alone.

and im sure hes moved on by now.

hes a good man.  he deserves someone who will love him.  and who he will love.

and it pains me to type that, and when i reread it in a few months, i hope the sting will be gone.

i wish i had the chance to take him to my sacred spaces in la when he was here, but i always felt that we would have time on another visit.

i showed him sf, carmel, the picturesque 1 freeway, pismo beach, and la jolla.

those days were magic, and i will hold on to them with fondness.

and driving down the coast and stopping along the way to marvel at God's majesty has been seared into my memory.

but i cannot live on those.

i need to move on.

i need to be grateful for the time we had, to be grateful that we had the time.

and i hope that he felt special as well.

every moment was for us.  designed especially for us.  given for us.

*****
i know that eventually feelings and memories fade, only to be replaced by the new and current ones.

this is why i write:  to preserve moments, even if the energy isnt as sharp as it was when they happened.  i like knowing that one day, i can sit under blankets and read about him.

motherfuck.

why the fuck do i have to be so fucking sentimental?

why the fuck does it hit me this way?

im hurting.

a piece of me is dying inside.

and i wake up reaching for him still.

dammit.

i promised myself id be gentle with my heart about this.  in the past, i moved on abruptly.  letting go and getting over it.  its perhaps because there was always someone else waiting in the wings.

but he?

i cant.  i envisioned a life with him.  will i feel stupid when i read back on this?

i dont care.

i dont regret having done this.  he was my reward for patiently waiting and not giving my heart away.  he was the one worth waiting for.

i loved him.

i still do.

its been so hard for me.

and i envy how quickly he moves forward.  how stoic and how unaffected he is.

but i remember my promise to myself to be kind and compassionate.

if i have to cry, i cry.

if i have to get angry, i allow it.

if i need time alone, i embrace it.

i wish i were built like him.

but sadly, im not.

time will heal me.

that and some music.

withdrawals (as man in the box plays on pandora)

this weekend, except for a few hours with my sister and niece in pasadena, i spent in bed.  hibernating. recovering.  withdrawing.

and i wanted to feel guilty, but i didnt.  i had no plans except to do laundry (but does that count?), but when my sister called and said she and my (favorite) niece were in pas, i decided to join her for lunch and coffee. her treat.  how can i refuse?

while we were sitting outdoors at cb&tl, she asked, do you still talk to r?

nope.

why not?

it just didnt work out.

but you sent him something by text.  he was part of a group send.

it was probably sometime last week, but it seems so long ago.

*****
sunday morning, i came hard and then, for some unknown reason (maybe its because i called out his name), i began to cry.

it was so fucking annoying, but i miss him so much.

and the reason why is because a year ago yesterday, i realized i was in love with him.

it was on a saturday.  he called me while he was working, and i was driving to my aunt's graduation party. he got off at 1:00 pm (my time), but when we said good bye, it had been about 45 mins later.  he had dinner plans with his wife and friends to try a new tapa place.

oh, the things my fucking mind remembers.

*****
but everything, it appears, reminds me of him.

i was at tj maxx with my sister, and i passed by the row of socks where i spoke with him one sunday afternoon.

and i showed my sister and niece where tbbt boys worked (cal tech), and it brought me back to the summer when we did a drive through.

*****
i cant believe i wont be talking to him again.

i feel like vomiting.

dammit.

this is the worst ending, possibly because i know that it has to.  there are certain things i need, things that are nonnegotiable, things that are so minor but mean a lot to me.

i thought i had been communicating that, even if in the beginning, i didnt have to.

he was my best friend.  still is, in some ways, but fuck.

fuck me for falling in love with a married man.

fuck me for falling in love with a married man who lives in another coast.

fuck me for falling in love with a married man who lives in another coast and has a young child.

fuck me.

fuck.

*****
and to top it off, the texan just emailed me saying hes hurt because i dont pick up my phone.

well.

get over it.

get over it because until i get over the man from the east coast, ill be healing.

thats all i can say now at work because i can feel the fucking tears building.

two years later

yesterday, he called and then sent a text to call him.

i lied.

said i was still at work.

i was driving home.

when i finally got back to him, he said he was working at redondo beach, and he was leaving to go back to texas in the morning.

ive rejected him so many times that one day, hes going to go away forever, but for now, hes persistent.

and i am lonely, but im doing fine all by myself.

it hurts deeply today, and ive been doing what i can to not think of or remember the man i loved.

im not doing a good job.

*****
the man i loved.

its his birthday today, and i have to keep myself from calling him because i am healing and scarring over, but i am still weak.

i hate it.

i hate that i cannot do anything about it...and worse.  i hate that i dont want to do anything about it.

not anymore.

i mean, i really put the effort into this, and it didnt pan out.

i am kicking myself for opening up my heart, but you know what?

i dont regret it.

i loved him fiercely.

i made some sacrifices for him.

i ached for him.

and i have to let him go.

its just hard today.

especially today.

other days, i manage, but the weekend is coming up, and i want to catch up on my rest.

life is good.

and it will only get better.

i know this.

just a reminder

this is temporary.

it will hurt less every single day.

do not attach to feelings or thoughts or circumstances or people.

to love and be loved fully and completely is my desire.

the time we were allowed has run out.

he is a good man.

and i deserve better.

i deserve better.

tgif:   mishmash edition

this week has been long and punishing.  last nite, i came home from a late nite at work and collapsed.  it was barely 10:00 pm, but i was nodding off at 9:30 pm.

im not even a morning person...im a known nite owl, but shit.  this job.  gggrrr.

the last three weeks here have been so awesome and fun.  coming back "home" has never been so welcoming and full of laughter.  new colleagues and good friends are blessings that i did not expect.  of course, there are some that still disgust me, but ill deal.

*****
tonite is my ex principals retirement party.  thank God its casual.  the original plan was shorts and flip flops since thats what he wears when he comes to visit, but it gets cold at nite, and by cold, i mean cold by southern cal standards.

its a cash bar, and itll be a long drive, so there wont be much alcohol consumption, but it depends.

we all really need to unwind, and i am all for letting loose, but im fucking exhausted.  im a bit apprehensive that ill fall asleep before i make it home.  and i dont want to spend the nite at anyones house.

*****
the guy who has a crush on me has a new nickname related to his (perceived, unproven) penis size.  soda can.  when eriven told me, i laughed so hard until she encouraged me to dispell the myth.

no, thanks.

soda can has been giddy lately.  i have to avoid him or distract him with students or something because he stares.

eriven was told by a mutual friend that soda can just want to fit in, and if that is so, then it takes time for that to happen.  it takes going through common shit.  it takes bonding or connecting or whatever.  but crushing isnt one of them.

hes cute, though.  real short, but cute.  sweet smile.  soft chocolate brown eyes.  warm smile.  and his laugh.  its more of a giggle.  but you know.  endearing and shit.

i dont really care.

its a past time.  its fun.  until it isnt fun anymore.

*****
life has been different lately.

in the process of grief, im at the anger phase again.  angry at myself for not confronting what the real problem is and being so fucking happy when he calls or writes.

things the last few days have been nice.  but its not the same.

there are some things that i need, that ive expressed, that he does not want to provide.

it saddens me that this is the same person.  i feel duped.  i feel like he was pretending.  thats the worst part. feeling like he was pretending to be someone he isnt so i can stay with him while he made the transition from being married to not.

i hate this, you know?  i hate that this man who i believed in, who i fell in love with, who i introduced to my family...well, i hate that this man isnt the one.

a long time ago, i was told by another principal that time is a tattle tale.  it reveals all of the secrets you keep hidden.

i use this as a guiding principle.  it has been proven time and time again.

*****
i dont know how to address this.

i compose beautifully explained letters in my mind.  i am clear then.

but when i attempt to put it down on paper or screen, i fail.

i come out jumbled.

i come out fragmented.

unsure.

confused.

and it fucking sucks.

because i am not.

*****
so, here i am, after having gotten off the phone with him, feeling like a fucking fraud.

it scares me that we are not addressing things, and im just as much to blame, but to be honest with you, im done trying.

im over crying.

i blame him for being passive aggressive, when i am, too.

you know?

this isnt working.  no, wait.  its too much work.  i dont want to do it anymore.

and i have no fear of being alone.  i dont want to meet anyone at all because i know that my ego will compare everyone to him.

again, the issue is letting go.

my mother passed this on to me. she stayed in a marriage longer than necessary, but she had her reasons, and i have decided to no longer judge her.  she did it for us, her kids, and who is to say that i havent done anything that contradicts my own personal credo for the sake of my son (i havent, i dont think).

*****
relationships are tricky.  add in geography and trust issues (mine), and there is just a whole ball of fun up in here.

he wrote to me how much it hurts that i dont trust him.

how can i trust someone who is treating me the same he treated his marriage partner?

his behavior is such a strong indication, and i am trying to change him by telling him how i feel.

i wish i had patience and gentleness, but i do not.

in fact, i have not exhibit resiliency in many relationships (maybe three times or five), and i certainly do not work on improving something when i know i have no intentions of making it work in the long run (the detective and the hiker).

but.

if i truly loved someone like a friend, then i wouldnt mind continuing the friendship.  it worked for awhile with the 29 year old and the detective, until their significant others put a halt to it.

and i dont blame them (the women), but there was no fear that anything would happen.

*****
so, again, my trust issues have surfaced, though for a long time, they were controlled.

i hate them.

i hate my issues of abandonment, of being cheated on, of jealousy.

they are so ugly, parts of me that make me self hate.  they are my shame, they are the krptonite to my confidence.

they dont own me, but they have a high investment on my psyche.

i dont label myself as being untrusting (or paranoid).

i dont label myself as jealous.

i dont label myself as shameful.

i dont label myself as having been cheated on (it only happened once, technically, by the red haired boy, and he confessed everything).

so, what is it?

my father.

*****
but i have forgiven him.

i know this in my heart and in my mind and in my soul.

and this forgiveness is unconditional and defined by my love for him and by the love God has for me.

it has been liberating, to be honest.

i couldnt talk to him before, not even small talk.  but now, its all good.  i dont feel uneasy around him.

and my motto has always been:  do it first to another before he does it to you.

fucked.  up.

and it has worked.

but.

i need to change that.  i want to.  i have to.

*****
he is a good man.

perhaps we have walked together as far as we needed to, and i need to let go now.

perhaps we were meant to have walked in my sacred spaces.

to have allowed me to uncover layers of me that i never have with others.

but i do not want to tiptoe around or disregard issues in order to keep the peace.  we are both so non confrontational, but there was a time he made me face him (figuratively) and address things.  i loved him for that.

i just thought and hoped and took forgranted that it would continue.  time, you know, is a tattletale, and perhaps he never was this man i made him out to be.

but i never did that.

i never, not once, asked or expected for him to change.  in fact, it was the first time in my life that i really accepted a man for who he is, and i thought that that would be enough.

but i realize that i need more.

i need romance.

i need touch.

i need to know that he thinks of me.

i need to know that he loves me.

and lately, i have gotten none.

and ive been overcompensating for it.

im a fool.

and i dont want to be that anymore.

*****
the texan has been persistent.

calls.  emails.

his profession of interest has been so strong that it is offputting, and i find myself resenting him for not being the man who i wish pursued me.

and i resent the man who i love because he isnt pursuing me.

i ask myself why i cant just answer his calls or his emails.

and it is because it will open up a flood of falsehood.

he will hope for what can never be.

and i will feel obligated to talk to him so that i wont hurt his feelings.

i cant do that anymore.

*****
i have to start winding down the day so i can drive to the party.

i wish i had it in me to get fucking drunk, but you know.

these are my colleagues.

and im not 30 anymore.

so.

this felt good.

tgif.

untitled

i woke up this morning, and i felt a strength i havent been familiar with in a long time.

one of the lessons i learned this summer was the beauty of not being attached to anything, especially feelings.

happiness and sadness, pain and pleasure, up and down...these are all fleeting, and i have been training myself to really practice detachment.

its different from being aloof...when i was aloof, i felt like i was running.  being detached, i feel i am more grounded.

those zen practicers have it right.

*****
its been lovely how socal is transitioning from summer to fall, though this week is maddeningly hot.  but its everywhere, the signs of fall, from halloween decorations to pumpkin patches to awesome outfits to the crisp night air.

this is my season.  cooling down from the heat, slowly preparing my body and mind for the winter, and dressing better than i do in the summer.  im not a stylista, but hey, i get complimented on my boots and scarves and my energy during this time.

*****
my attempts at being okay about the ending with a love fail me at times.

when im busy, the pang of checking in on him isnt as strong, but times like now, when the noises of the day are only from pandora playing on the computer...well.

i feel the abyss of his absence in my heart.

i know i will be okay.  hell, i may even be better than okay someday.

but not now.  not now.

tomorrow maybe, but not now.

*****
the texan has been calling faithfully every day.

sometimes, he calls my cell when im at work, and i feel such a disappointment when i see his name instead of another.

and i watch the screen until his call ends.  he never leaves a message, so it is easier to forget that he called.

sometimes, he calls at nite when im asleep.  i shouldnt  be surprised.  thats when he needs to talk to me as he winds down from his work.

im not ready to talk to him yet.  im not ready to hear his promises, to hear how he wants to be with me, to hear how we belong together.

because i know we do not.

ive felt how it was to love someone the way i wanted to love.  ive felt how i want to be loved.  and it was nothing i felt with him.

i just know that at this moment, if we talk, i will break, and he will want to rescue me, and i do not want to be rescued.

not by him.

and in fact.  i do not need rescuing.  i just need time to heal.  to pick myself up and dust myself off.  to scar over from the deep cut.

*****
i got an email today from someone who i hung out with once.

still married.

still wants to hang out.

still ready to rearrange his schedule.

even after all this time.

i responded hurriedly.  told him that i, like him, started a new job.  that i am (still) not married.  that i am not able (or willing) to make time right now.

not at this moment.

i left it at that.  i have no energy to make up reasons or excuses.

i did that already when i didnt make it to todays happy hour with my sutter friends.

*****
i love my life.

it isnt perfect.  i can use more money, a housekeeper, a love.

but.

you know, i can make more money, i can clean up by myself, and i am allowing a love of self i never had before.

*****
yesterday, at the staff meeting, some friends were fucking around saying that the tech guy has a crush on me.

i let it go.

because i know who has a crush on me.  i know that he watches me when i monitor the halls.  i know that he wants to have conversations, no matter how trivial.  i know that i keep it short because hes married, and i dont shit where i eat.

but i know he has a crush.  he holds my gaze with his eyes.  he makes jokes that only i get.  he gets a bit tongue tied when he talks to me.

and you know.  i can be wrong.

he might just be fucking shy, or perhaps hes just watching the kids who tower over me to make sure i am safe.

he could just be totally legit about holding my gaze because i think military people are conditioned to do that. and maybe he has a speech impediment.

i dont know.

but i find myself avoiding him as much as i can.  not because im offended, but because i dont want rumors or jokes flying around.

they make me realize that i am alone again.

and this time, im not loving it as much.

the beginning

so many things have happened over the summer and now, a few weeks into the fall.

ive surrendered to the changes that has brought me full circle back to the first middle school i worked at, and while some faces are familiar and the duties somewhat the same, it is different.

i have changed.  i recognize this, and i need to be gentle with myself about it.

*****
i write this in my office, on a computer that has none of my pictures.

i havent been creative lately, and i hate it truly.

but lets catch up, shall we?

*****
the summer was short.  by the time the school year ended, i was completely over teaching.  it was such work for me emotionally and psychologically.

i can teach, i am a natural, but i dont want to.

my heart and my soul wanted to be a counselor again.

i met the man i had been in love with, and for one glorious week, we were lovers.

i took him to my sacred places, and i spent every minute of the nine days by his side.

and nothing else mattered.

my spirit was free, completely unhindered by masks and other distractions that i use to keep people at a distance.

he was wonderful.  so patient.  so fun.  so easy going.

it was one of the best times of my life.

*****
but, as i suspected, our time was limited, and when we learned what we needed to learn from each other, we had to let go.

this is where i am now.

learning to let go.

not hold on to a world that i created.

i wanted to be with him, to be in his world.

i wanted to make a fresh start, to move to his coast.

but.

he didnt want the same thing.

and how could he?

he is ending one part of his life, and i was brought in to help with the transition.

i was arrogant.

he met my family.  i thought that surely, he is the one.

but.

i sit here now, smiling at the memories we created, and i wish him well.

there are so many reasons why it fell apart, why it ended.

but the main reasons are he and i.

*****
i nurse my pain with work and with tears and with keeping busy.

my internal clock wakes up at the same time every work day, the time he used to call me when he was driving in to work.

it is difficult, but i know that this is temporary, and that it is time to let go.

*****
but how do i let go of the man who has made me complete?

how do i let go of the man who has changed my heart and mind make up?

how do i let go of the man who introduced me to good music?

how do i let go of the man who has been my anchor, my friend, my calm?

how do i let go?

very gently and kindly.

let go.

let.

go.