christmas eve eve

chinese garden huntington library + gardens san marino, ca dec 2013

winter break began nicely with no trauma, no drama, and no crazy mamas.  the kids this year are so nice, and im going to make sure they stay that way.

it was a bit hectic last friday with sending out gifts and cards to those who didnt expect it.  i love the look on their faces when i handed them something small.  just being remembered is enough, i think, but i gave out inexpensive yet thoughtful stuff this year.  if i had been better prepared, id have given out to more.  i wanted to target the custodians and the secretaries, those who do so much but get paid shit.

*****
i received some great stuff, too.  but it doesnt matter what they were.  just being included is so much more than necessary.  the tokens are just that, but the thought is really what matters to me.

my favorite gift is one from mogan who gifted me with some girl scout leaves.  i love that guy so much.  hes always been so down to earth with me, esp my first year there.  i think he was surprised that i partake in the green, but when he realized i was genuine, he shared with me how he started.

during bic, he asked for apples, so the kids who work for me gave him some, and on friday, during friends friday in the boys pe, he served me a cup of apple cider that he made.  so fucking good.  i could barely taste the poison, it was that good.

i got home around 7:00 pm that nite, and i was exhausted.  the drive was a bit daunting, but not as bad as other nites.

i ate dinner, and i smoked some of the gsl.  i love the smell of good marijuana, and i reveled in the scent.  it was strong.  it knocked me out from 7:30 pm til about 1:00 am, then i fell asleep around 4:30 am and woke again at 10:00 am saturday morning.

dreams were a bit crazy that nite.  one included the man i had loved for the last year or so.  we were happy, taking pictures, driving and stopping along the way.  it was beautiful.  and it was hard to wake from it.

*****
i got ready to meet shel to hang out for the winter solstice at huntington library + gardens.  we shared a membership, and i got a $20 discount for being an educator.  it was the best $100 i spent on myself...well, okay, $50 because we split it.

i loved this membership.  i had it before, and i get to take someone for free.  i used it to hang with my aunt and grandmother, with gaya, and even just myself.

its about ten minutes from my house, but being there is like being in another world.  literally.  one day, im going to go alone and photograph the hell out of it, and then ill post the pics.

the art is amazing.  there is an exhibit on junipero serra and his trek to establish missions.  there are so many gardens that exist in this place:  a chinese garden, a japanese garden, a california garden, and flowers and plants from other countries.  i cannot marvel enough about this place, and driving there on saturday, my mind did a funny little thing as it always does:  it made my heart yearn for that man i loved and wished i had taken him here.

i will take full advantage of this membership, i need to commune with nature, and there are places there to write.  i remember one saturday sitting in the chinese gardens, overlooking the pond, and writing.

which is what shel and i did.  we spoke about our words for the year.  i think ive limited mine down to two, after much prayer.  i woke up today from a dream speaking about self-love.  so that will be one.  and the other is discipline.

she also asked about my situation with men, and i told her how it had ended last monday.  she was shocked. i am, too, to be honest, but it was time to let go.  i love him, but.  i mean, if there has to be that three letter word at the end of something so grand, then its time to let go.  i am still so tender about it, but i feel released from him.  i believe that he felt it, too, that the time has come, and he let go as well.

*****
we had dinner, then we said our good byes, and then i came home and smoked.

i loved it.  but again, i fell asleep at 9:00 pm and woke up somewhere around 4:00 am, and i was groggy being in and out of sleep.

yesterday was spent relaxing and then going to church with shel and having soup and salad after.

*****
the guy from nyc wanted to chat last nite, but i wasnt home, so that was that.

the guy who lives in a loft who i met years ago asked when we can hang out again.  im so not interested. nice guy, a bit older, but i remember that it was not pleasant to be with him physically.

havent heard from the texan, which i am so relieved about.  hes an energy vampire, and i hope hes met someone lovely.

*****
christmas will be different this year.  my son and i will spend it together, eating and watching a movie.

theres just no tradition in this family, and it saddens me.

so in the spirit of self-love, i will avoid anything sad this season.

theres just no need for it.

44 / 20

sunset venice beach december 2012

a week ago, i celebrated my birthday in bed.

i had contracted a cold, and it still lingers today.

it started on friday, when i was at dinner with dapel.  i was sneezing and feeling weak, and i thought i shouldve gone home after work, but i wanted to finally go to the new eats that i read about months prior.

dinner was fast.  it was really savory, and because it was across from a major tv station, there were some beautiful people there.  it wasnt busy, thank God, because it really is small, but it was typical la.

it took me about an hour to drive home.  the friday traffic was bad but manageable, and when i got home, i took a hot shower and climbed into bed.

the next morning, i decided not to go to a conference for work.  i knew that i would feel awful later on that nite for my birthday dinner with the gang, so i slept in.

i took meds, napped, sneezed, and i felt sick.  so i took more meds.  napped.  sneezed.  willed myself to feel better.

when it was time to get ready for dinner, i put on a dress that i had worn for w one morning when i spent the nite.  the dress is flimsy, and over it, i put on a sweater and a jacket and a scarf to keep warm.  it showed more cleavage than i wanted, but i didnt care.  i wasnt feeling sexy at all.

dinner was a dtla pizzeria that vansa had chosen.  when i got there, vansa and verio were sitting at the bar.  vansa had told the bartender it was my birthday, so she greeted me as i sat down.

i asked her to make me a signature drink because at this point, i couldnt honestly think.  she made something pretty in a martini glass with a maraschino cherry inside.

gana and my friend walked in at this point, and it was just nice to be surrounded by friends.  i felt their love.  i felt our histories come together.

my friend looked unrecognizable.  he was sporting a graying beard and dressed too formally, but as always, he was striking.  of course he avoided me.  he tends to do this when we are with others.  he sits away from me and observes me.  laughs appropriately when i say something funny.  gives me a glare when ive crossed some line he set.

i asked for more cherries, and the bartender gave me more.  my friend looked over at me and said, hey, why dont you share?

i passed the cup to him.  he grabbed a few.  i asked for the cup back.  that was the extent of our conversation.

voski arrived late with his girlfriend.  the last time i saw him was three years ago, for my friends bday.  voski was 30 then, and he showed me his new tats.  he had waited, as requested by his mother, and he was proud of what he designed.  some leaves with a saying.

that nite was crazy.  it could have gone to a different path.  sexual tensions were high that nite, the same characters were there as at my birthday dinner, except for his girlfriend.

vansa and my friend made out in front of us, under the pretext of being a bit liquored up.  voski and i escaped, which made my friend question our "relationship".  nothing happened outside.  voski smoked, and i stood with him.  there was a flirtation, but when it was going a bit far, i backed off.

at dinner, voski was very close and affectionate with his girlfriend.  he is a natural talker, so the conversation flowed.  my friend was quiet.  gaya was telling us stories.  her tongue was guided by the strong drink the bartender made for her.  and verios was quiet as always.

after, voski suggested we go for drinks at the legendary hotel fig.  it was a nice walk a block away, even if we were stopped by homeless people asking for spare change.

we went to the back, and the site was amazing.  the decor was moroccan, and there was a bed for lounging. we sat at a table underneath layers of colorful sheets and the nite weather was perfect.

the waiter came to take our order, and he had the faintest accent.

wheres your accent from? i asked.

germany, he answered.

wonderful.  i have to confess, i asked you to repeat the drink specials because i wanted to hear your accent.

would you like to hear it a third time?

and he repeated it. 

voski leaned over to his girlfriend and said,  m has game.  im surprised she hasnt unleashed it yet.  waiters are her prey.

shes sick, otherwise, shed be all over it, said vansa.

oh, thats why shes on her best behavior, he said.

my friend was sitting next to me.  he started tapping his fingers.

bored? i asked.

no.  why?

because youre tapping.

this is what happens when youre always listening to music.

ah, ill keep that in mind. i pointed to his beard.  so, this is new.

yeah, ive had it since december 23rd.

really?  its full.  is it itchy?

no.

is the hair coarse?

he gave me his cheek.  i ran my hands through his beard.

its soft,i said.

he gave me his chin.  i touched the fuzziness under it.

i like it, i said.  its in, you know.  this beard thing.  voski has a good one, too.  it fits him.  yours make you look distinguished.

thank you.

we finished up and walked back to the parking garage.

vansa and i walked together, my friend walked ahead.

she asked me, so, when are you going to boston?

summer, i think.  my friend slowed his pace.

summer?  thats so far, she said.

its not my idea.

why not spring break?

he doesnt want me there then.  my friend stopped to look at something.

i think youre stalling, she said.

im not.  i swear.  he doesnt want me there.  if i go in the summer, you have to come with me.  because it may not work out the way i want with him.  we can see the city together.

of course, itll work out, she said, convincingly.

we got to the valet, and they brought out our cars.

we said our goodbyes, and i was touched again by them coming.

the next day, my friend said that he was done with group dinners and that next time, it will just be me and him.

he said he and i have evolved to that.

*****
twenty years ago tonite, i was laid up in a hospital room with a baby boy in my arms.  he was born at 7:42 pm, and he was beautiful.  sweet.  sleepy.

tonite, he had plans to celebrate with his friends who are chinese.  he called me in the middle of the chinese new year dinner they were having to tell me that his boss called because they needed him to work.

he needed a ride back home.

i picked him, and he was upset.

this isnt how i was planning on celebrating my bday, he said.

i dont understand.  were you supposed to work tonite?

no.  the schedule didnt have my name on it.  i confirmed with three managers, and they said i wasnt working.

did you request this nite off?

no.

then what happened?

my boss called and said they were short staffed.  he said i was supposed to be in.

look, matt.  youre not a victim.  you could have said you were out of town.  why didnt you?

because they needed someone.

so you volunteered?

yes.

well, then, thats what happened.  they didnt force you.  you made a choice.

yeah.

this kid is amazing.  i mean, i see the growth in him, the transition between a boy and a man.  he plays video games to relax, but hes very responsible with school and work.  very balanced.

but of course, in the midst of the craziness, i didnt tell him that.  i didnt tell him how proud i am of him.  i didnt tell him how much i love him.

instead we talked about how we are when we are stressed.  there was a lot of yelling.  a lot of correcting.  a lot of disconnection.

but on saturday after i get off work, he and i are going out to lunch to celebrate our birthdays.  and i will write to him a letter like ive done in the previous years.

i love this child of mine so much.  i love how he is.

and our relationship will be stronger.