exhausted

norton simon pasadena, ca december 2010

this month has been wonderful, and yet, so grueling.

work is just too emotionally and physically taxing, and the stupid expensive bathroom leak was taken care of last week.  next week at work will be packed with shit that i will not even think about.

i dont want to rant because there have been many positives, as well, including a wonderful birthday celebration for me at this place with lots of wine consumed...six bottles between six people.  and i needed it.  in fact, everyone there needed it.

my son?  well, hes an adult now since turning 18 on the 9th, and we have been navigating new territory and testing boundaries.  so far, its been a joy.  truly.

and friends and students at work have been so wonderful about my birthday that i feel so blessed.

but lately, like the past few days, ive been feeling a bit blah.  the rain has been so cleansing and soothing, but a bit rough with hail pelting my car yesterday.  the boy, of course, loved it.  he feels deprived from snow, and i think hes crazy.

all this?  has brought me in a state of prayer.  i continue reading this wonderful book, but i have questions that rock me and scare me.  i have to be gentle with myself.  i have to be loving and forgiving of myself, and i have to permit myself to break so i can heal.

i know this, and i need this, but it takes time.

*****
i have yet to make a final decision about school.  i had a dream last night that i went to class, not realizing that i had applied and gotten accepted so i wasnt prepared for the first assignment.  it was stressful.

in fact, sleep was a bit elusive last night.  i woke up so many times, and i wonder if it was the wine.  im allergic to wine except for this selection at the winery.  i had a few glasses, and it was so soothing.  i didnt feel drunk, rather it was more of a relaxed feeling.

so, the dream about school was very disconnected with many random work colleagues making appearances and places that i have never seen in my waking moments but would love to photograph.

i want to go to school, and theres a knowingness that its what i need, what my soul needs, and i dont want to miss this opportunity.  tomorrow, i will definitely find a quiet place to read the application and fill it out.

and my heart is so excited.

*****
there are so many tiimes in the day when i feel im transported to the city that i love, and i see glimpses of myself there, walking around, going to a job, and when i realize im not there, i feel like breaking down.

i feel broken.

i feel so scared and paralyzed by many thoughts, including money and work and relationships that are nonexistent and friendships and family.  

i have stupidly irrational fears that are consuming my time and making me spiral, and its annoying.  and im fucking sick of it now.

and so i pray.  i pray and become closer to my God and ask Him to relieve me of this burden, and i ask the
Blessed Mother to be with me in my times of darkness and light, in joy and in sorrow, in peace and in coflict.

*****
this is the design for my life.

to find a job that is suitable for my personality...none of this dean shit.  im tiring of the whole middle school crowd, really, but i find them so endearing sometimes that i dont want to be anywhere else.  i love being of service in this way as a counselor, but it drains me.  i hate the paperwork.  if that goes, ill be a little happier.  i know it wont, though.

to pursue a career in photography.  this is a tough one because i have yet to sit down and write my concrete visions on what kind of career i want to have.  some ideas:  wedding photographer for weddings of less than 50 people in sweet locations; photojournalist who documents people from small, pure villages; portrait and family photographer.

i can do this.  i know i can.

*****
im finally ready now to start thinking of being in a relationship.  its been awhile since ive been vulnerable to a man, to have shared a part of myself that isnt just physical, to feel honored that he chooses me to bear his soul to.

there have been too many disappointments, too many square pegs in my round hole, too many deadends...i feel that may be its time now to open my heart to risks.

my heart that has been broken so many times and has broken other hearts many times can take this.  its healed from the 29 yo, i believe, though i still do love him in a sweet way.

im letting go of someone ive never met but has had such an intense exchange of words.  it is because of him that i find courage to start fresh.  it is because of his fear that i find myself more confident to meet someone in real life.  it is because of his hurting that i realize im healing.

and so, its my turn to say good bye to him this time.