two days / friday and saturday

the universe griffith park observatory, griffith park, ca january 2013

it started a long time ago, even before i knew him...i had dreamt of him, i had written about him, i had waited for him.  even before i knew him.

i love him, i am in love with him, and i have been permanently altered because of my love for him.

i realize now that this is my experience, and i want him to be a part of it, which he is, but i want it to be more real, more sensual, and i want it to be for the rest of my time here on earth.

and the universe has been and is and will be conspiring to make this happen.

if its right, and for the greatest good, it will happen.

*****
there are parts of me that i need to shed, which no longer serve me.  and the one that had reared its ugly head most recently is jealousy.

but its not really jealousy.  its more of my own insecurities that stem from childhood, the damage was done then, and it needs to be repaired now, in the present moment.

i almost ran away from him again, not like the other times when i couldnt speak to him.  this time, it was pretty frightening because i still needed to speak to him, but there was a finality to it.

my trust for him had been breached, and i felt so betrayed by his words.  it seemed he genuinely loved me, but when it came down to it, he didnt.

not really.

and i struggled with it.  i heard only things i wanted to hear, and i remembered things that served my purpose of denying his feelings.

but this man.  he loves deeply.  and he loves like a poet, and his love can move mountains and bring me to my knees.  it weakens me, and i know i am his.

i couldnt see past my hurt to acknowledge this.  my pride and my anger and my avarice to be the only one his life consumed me in a negative way.

it was against my nature.  it felt unreal.

but my genetic composition is to have jealousy.  it runs very deeply in the blood of the family i am born into.  on both sides.  its part of the passion, part of the way we love.

i know this.  ive seen it.  but i dont want it in me.  because it makes me physically and emotionally ill to the point where i spent yesterday and today in deep self-care.

*****
on friday, he called me early, per my request because in our last conversation on thursday nite, i told him i wanted to cum with him before work.

before i went to bed on thursday, i wrote to him that i wanted to end things amicably between us because of a choice he made that just added to my clarity about how he viewed the situation.

i wasnt mad, but i was so deeply hurt...the only kind of hurt i feel when i love someone...and it has been awhile since ive loved so i was unfamiliar with the force of it.

i needed him, needed to hear his voice, so i can get closure.  but when he called, he dismissed it.  like it was just fucking nothing.  and i was angry.

and i told him my peace, and i told him it was okay if he was angry with me, and he said not only was he angry, but he was hurt.

i told him that i didnt trust him anymore, and if i couldnt trust him, i couldnt be with him.  this was the source of his pain.

but ive learned that i didnt want to take away his pain, i wanted him to own it.  just like i wanted him to own his anger towards me.

we ended the conversation because he had to get his day started, and so did i.

it was raining on friday, perfect setting for my mood.  the rain cleanses the ground, and i needed my heart and mind and soul cleansed of him.  i was convinced it was over.

there were a few emails exchanged, and he didnt call like he said he would in the afternoon.

i had plans to meet shel after work, and her pregnancy scare (scare, because shes not pregnant) took my mind off of things for a little while, but the truth was that i spent most of the day somber, yet i functioned like a boss.

on the drive after work, i listened to the songs he compiled for me, and tears flowed so freely.  i recorded my drive through the foothills, a scenery that i love because the mountains know of my love for him and other prayers.

i waited for shel at a parking lot for an hour and a half, time i needed to just be alone and to allow the hurt and not deny it like i had been doing all day.

we walked to get dinner, and i began to tell her about my pain, but i couldnt go on, and i told her i didnt want to talk about it.  she respected it, and we discussed her options if she was pregnant (shes not).

we went to a coffee shop a block away to write in our journals when we finished our pizzas, which we ate two slices of because neither of us had the appetite.

i love this new coffee shop.  i went there with anapi, but she didnt like it.  im so glad that our friendship is either over or on hold because i cannot be what she needs and she cannot be what i need right now.

shel and i started writing.  it was, as always, theraupetic, and two hours later, i told her i was going to collapse if i didnt leave for home.  i had been up for 15 hours, and the stress and sadness i was feeling sapped my energy completely.

when i got home, i fired off another email to him as i often do, and fell asleep at 11:30 pm.

i woke up saturday morning at 2:30 am.  i could feel him getting ready for his day to go to work.  i could feel his energy, which was low, and at 4:30 am, i sent him an email asking if i could call him or if he could call me.

*****
hearing his voice.

he grounds me.  he soothes my hurt.  he heals my pain.  he strengthens me.  he breathes into me.  he softens me.  he tames me.  he lifts me.  he awakens me.  he consumes me.  he takes me.  he loves me.  he makes sacrifices for me.  he is my twin flame, my soulmate.  he makes me feel a gamut of emotions.  he is.

and i cried so hard, released so much, revealed so openly.

we spoke sporadically throughout the day, but the conversation that we had before he had to leave for the day...that was what cemented it for me.

i told him how my flesh desired him, how my soul needed to be with his, how my spirit wanted to dance with his.  i was honest, i was speaking from a place that was unfamiliar, i was telling him my truths.  and i was aided by the Holy Spirit because i know that i am not eloquent enough to do it on my own.

and when we hung up, only one thought remained.  the one thought that is pervasive and invasive.

i love him.

and its my love for him that grows me.

i came to a resolution within my own self.  and it is with confidence that i choose to trust him and with stubborn will that i choose to believe in him.  it is with resolve that i choose to change my life to be with him, wherever he wants me.

*****
we have assumed a new and added way of communicating.

music is a part of us, our tastes are alike but also very different.

we have been emailing each other songs that are meaningful to us, songs that have pretty much conveyed what we are feeling.

he has introduced me to singers whose voices are so imbued with emotion that they have made my feelings flow through tears.

he has sent me lyrics that had been my favorites in the past that made memories resurface.

he tells me what is in his heart with the songs that he chooses to share.

this man has a deeply rich soul, and i want to know all its dimensions.

*****
of course there are no guarantees.

love is not a guarantee, nor is being in love.

we will hurt each other again, always unintentionally, i imagine.

we will have many struggles and challenges, and we will probably deal with them in ways that will cause some type of emotional pain.

and we will cry tears from what damage the other has done, from being apart, from being misunderstood.

but we have imprinted in our hearts and our souls each others names.

its a permanent reminder of the time we had waited for each other to be revealed in our lives, for all the shit we are going through to be together.  a permanent reminder that we belong to each other.

a permanent reminder that once we are together, we will not be apart.

it would literally kill us, i think.

*****
and if he is reading, i want this to be understood.

my love, i am transparent with you.

you see me.

and i love that.

you are my one.

and youre all i need.

you are my muse, my standard, my path.

eternal.

always.