dancing

every few mornings, i wake up with a missed call from the texan.

its been...upsetting.  it causes me anxiety because i am not addressing him, and i am avoiding the issue.

when we first began talking last year, it was pretty amazing.  he was funny, romantic, and i felt warmed by his attention.  then when i started at sutter, he checked in on me, knowing how nervous i was being in a new school.

one day, he revealed something to me that caused me to not trust him.  this was a bit devastating.

but after he explained, we hung out on a cloudy friday nite into saturday morning.  the first kiss was electrifying, and we were both trembling.

the sex wasnt that great.  it wasnt that bad, but the chemistry that i needed and thought would transfer was not there.

so when i got busy and he got busy and we didnt talk, there wasnt really a big loss in my life.

its funny to think that this guy spoke of marriage and of kids (yeah, right) and told me that he loved fucking me (i believe it) because i never contributed to the family discussion or to how amazing sex was.

we lost touch for awhile as i was occupied with a man from the east coast, but the texan wrote one day.  im too lazy to go back through my gmail archives to see what prompted it, but i know that it took me a few days to respond.

then he called.

and i remember sitting with my phone in hand, his name on the screen.  i was frozen.  no memories came back to me.  i had moved on.

that was months ago.

he still continues to call.

one nite, though, i accidentally answered because his name is similar to the east coast man, so i spoke to him. he said his cousin has just been shot at work (their occupation is like so secretive and dangerous and shit...whatever), and he was numb.

incidentally, in the beginning of our situation, his best friend died of some illness, so he was going through that, but he was very analytical (as opposed to emotional) about it.

anyway.  we spoke for about an hour because i didnt want to miss the call i wanted to take from the east coast man.  the texan had to go to work anyway, so it was perfect timing.

that was months ago.  as i said.

and he still continues to call.

what the fuck.

im sadistic.  i want him to call because i want to know that hes thinking of me.  i want him to miss me.  i want him to be desperate for me.

he never leaves a message.  he never says why he wants to speak to me.

but in his emails, he asks me if i miss him.  if i ever think of him.  if i ever want to be with him physically.

and no.  the answer is no.  never.

and that makes me so sad.

*****
the soda can guy was a bit shy today.

see.

that shit makes me smile.

he tries to flirt.

and yeah, i was supposed to put a stop to it today, but i was in a presentation and conferences all fucking day.

and partly, i was trying to avoid having the discussion.

im so nonconfrontational, and i dont want to be uncomfortable when i have to deal with him.

this morning, i dropped off his water bottle because romer 4 (who i love because he is so amazing, but im baffled that his wife who works here and seems perfectly normal married him...hes a 31 year old teenager) asked me to bring it to him.

the soda can guy saw me and smiled this big ass smile, and i felt self conscious.  i ran out of his room like a fool.

because im a bit shy myself.

what is he doing?

hes married with a kid.  been there, done that.  not interested.

married men.

im over the whole thing.

*****
im ready to be romanced.

to love.

to be loved.

to have fun.

to hang out.

and im getting so choked up thinking of a week in the summer that seemed so natural but its over.

over.

and ive let it go.

and im moving on.

because i have no choice.

i have no fight left.

and that is well with my soul.