on being a (good) flirt and other happenings

there have been some obvious flirting by the soda can towards me, and today was a heavy dose.

note:  he does not know how to flirt.

i was so unimpressed and disappointed, but to be honest, it is because i am still hurting from another.

however.  no excuses.

what i find so off putting is how unrefined he is.

in other words:  hes like a fucking little boy.

and i?

well, i require a certain subtlety.

i want someone so incredibly charming that i dont even know that hes flirting.

so.  im going to put a stop to it tomorrow.

this shit bores me.

*****
my healing process has been so good, and i am not only grateful but impressed with myself.

yesterday, i reminded myself of my word for the year:  allow.

i have had to allow myself to hurt, not to suppress it, and perhaps just surrender to this time of my life.

dines and i had dinner, and she remarked how good i looked.  i told her my attempt at a long distance thing didnt work out, and i didnt want to talk about it.

she complied.

but throughout dinner, she said twice that i looked good.  heres the thing:  pain becomes me.

i know that when it ended with the 200 pound loser, i looked damned good.  this was so intentional.  i wanted to delete him from my life, so i got a haircut, some new outfits, and held my head up high.

but this time?  well.  i dont know.  it isnt that i want to delete memories, but i just truly want to move on.  i do not regret anything at all.  i had to feel all that to be where i am now, and where i am now is knowing myself way better than before.  and i am so grateful for the lessons.

today, roy 1 said there was a pep in my step.  if she only knew how much i had to work on being happy this morning because it is fucking hard waking up, checking my phone, and not receiving a call or a text.

but hey.

life goes on.

*****
i feel that this phase of my life had to happen because there is something greater.

i dont know what it is.

i dont anticipate anything, but there is something brewing in the air.

its in the tingling of my nerves.

there is an excitement.

and im going to welcome it.

because i need something.

i dont know what it is, but there is a need in my life.

im not sure if it is a need to leave socal or a new job or something.

but the Divine knows.

and i have been preparing for it for so long.