on a sunday afternoon

santa monica, ca [sootc] september 2013

today was a birthday lunch for my cousin who turns 22 in a few days.  as always, there was laughing and kids and food.  it was at a restaurant, and after the cake cutting and consumption, everyone went home.

my sinuses were acting up, and they have been for a few days. i am tired of medicating because i feel like one day, the meds arent going to work.  i have to find out whats going on and handle it.

*****

my mom commented that it had been 13 years ago today since my grandfather's death.

i still remember that day when i found out.  it was the last day of work for me, and he was going in for a simple procedure.  but he had been ill for a long time, and i believe he was holding on just for the sake of my grandmother.

the last few times we went to their house, he was tired, sleeping when he usually came to hang out with us, especially with my little one.

and i was in denial, afraid of the inevitable.  death and i werent friends then.  it scared me, and it knew it.

so, i stayed away.  but on the nite before his operation, we went to visit him, and he seemed to be in good spirits.  but he was tired.  it was all over his face.  and his body was just exhausted and didnt have a fight anymore.

i went to work, busy with the 4th graders i had that year.  presents galore.  sweet ones, too, innocent.  like the ones you expect from little hearts.

when i got home, the exbf was here, and we sat on the couch watching tv with my son.  i called the hospital every half hour, and i was told he was still in surgery.  he was still in surgery longer than anticipated, and i was anxious.

two hours later, as i was nearing my point of no return of anxiety, the lights turned off and then immediately turned back on.  i felt a chill.  i called the hospital. the nurse passed the phone to my uncle who delivered the news.

i crumbled.  i cried into the arms of my exbf while my son watched.  i think that was the last time he saw me cry until a few years later when his teenage meanness pushed me over the edge.

i medicated with marijuana.  the next few days were a blur.  i showed up late to the wake, and i was stoned. laughing while my grandmother spoke to the guests.  staring longer at people before i respond in conversation.  i was a fucking mess.  and my son needed me.

the day after, i was late getting to the church for the eulogy because i had to take a few hits before i delivered the eulogy.

i sent my son inside, running with his little suit.  and looking so glum.  i hadnt realized that he was grieving, too.  he was so young, and he was sensitive.

my eulogy consisted of words from my cousins who are significantly younger than i.  they are around my son's age, so he refers to them as his cousins.  i had asked them to tell me their favorite memories of our grandfather, and every anecdote was from the perspective of a child ten years or younger.

after, we had lunch at a restaurant.  munchies set in.  i had ridden in a limo with my uncle who is pretty funny, so we were laughing like idiots.

the exbf stayed home that day because my family didnt know he existed.  i didnt see the point of introduction when it wasnt going to last anyway.  a few years later, though, we all went to hawaii, and i still remember the kindness and patience he showed towards my grandmother.  it was unsolicited.  he was just a gentleman like that.

that christmas, i bought everyone a present.  i was compensating for an absence that i didnt want the kids to feel, but one i especially didnt want to feel.

i kept it at bay for 13 years, and today, i have to release it.

and this is how i chose to do it.

*****

i hate that since my grandfather's death, every year has brought us further and further apart.

the kids are growing, and we all have different schedules.  but the truth is this.

no one makes the family a priority anymore, including me.

and i hate that.  i hate it with a passion.

i want to establish traditions that will bring us all together every year.  something to look forward to.  every year.  during the holidays.

no matter what.

i want this for the kids, for me, for my son.

i want to have a sense of closeness, kinship, family.

because i like everyone in my family.  not just love, but like.

and i want to know them.

i want to have some time with them.

and i know it just takes an invitation, an extension, an offering.

what kills me is that i dont put out the effort.

but im going to.

im going to just move away from myself and my own selfishness and my own reality.

i have been such a hermit.  it feels like physical pain when i have to go out.

its my social anxiety disorder.  i need to fight it.

*****

the picture up there is one of my personal favorites.

its straight out of the camera.

no editing.

it was pretty lovely.

and the day was tiring but so sweet.