gypsy

huntington beach, ca may 2011

i feel a need to leave again.

its a hunger that scares me and haunts me.

i visualize myself in my car with some necessities, a bag of clothes, some books, a camera, my computer, and my cell in the back seat ready to take off.

and drive.  nowhere in particular, perhaps up north, driving past my city, past the redwoods, past the california/oregon border...stopping when i no longer want to drive.

i am free now of having a child live with me, and after 18 years, i no longer have to rush to make sure i am home for my son.

it is liberating, and my spirit is alive.

why, then, do i remain?

i have no job, and i am at peace with that.  there is a knowingness that something will happen soon.

today, i felt so small in this place.  i fantasized about moving out and living on the road.  can i be so frivolous?

*****
i feel empty, but not in a bad way.

its just that there is no one in my life currently, and that suits me fine.

i long for no one.

my skin is my own again, last touched by the hiker, but i didnt feel anything.

ive been very good at separating sex and emotions, and i dont know if that makes me a better lover when its only lust anyway.

no one here has affected me since the 30 year old, and im glad that fever has broken.  that boy is not good for me.  with him, its hard to release and be who i am.  he scares me because i could easily fall for him.  its best to let it go.

my heart hardly registers a beat from his random texts about God.  last summer, it was different.  i was an emotional wreck.  i needed him, but his age kept me far away.

hes lucky.  if i had invited him in then, he would be confused by my actions after awhile.  it was great in february, when we hung out again, and i told him i got closure.  he said, wait thats good for you, right?

yes, it is.

but not for me.

and i didnt care. it was amazing, but i didnt care.

*****
one night in may, he texted me earlier in the day that he wanted ice cream.  it was cute.  but i had plans to hang out with the hiker that night.

the flirtation with the 30 yr old went on until late afternoon when i had to get ready to go over to the hikers place.  when the hiker came back from a long hike, he was tired and nasty.

the hiker threw a bitch fit, and he told me that he didnt want to hang out anymore, so in my anger, i called the 30 year old.  i asked him if he wanted to hang out.  he said he did.  i picked him up to go to the beach.

when he got in my car, he was relaxed and flirtatious.

i told him that carlo had died, and i was still grieving about the passing of my crush who was also my friend.  i told him how devastated i was when i went to the service a few days before.  i told him how i introduced myself to carlos wife, and how lucky she was to be loved by him.

the 30 year old grabbed my leg and said, im right here.  i have love.

oh, a, you know i love you.  its just...

my phone rang, and i told him i had to answer it. he placed his hand on my leg again, and i grabbed it and held on to it.

when i got off the phone, i told him, thank you for hanging out with me tonite.  i need to feel alive.

we drove far.  he asked to stop to get a shake at mcdonalds.  after i gave his order, he kissed me.  i pushed myself against him, and he showed emotions that i hadnt seen before.

we got to the beach, and i parked.  we looked up at the sky from my opened moon roof, listened to the waves, talked about God.  its my favorite part with him always.  i love listening to him as he negotiates his feelings towards God.  we share that love for Him, and it feels so good.

he told me he wanted me, and we climbed to the backseat.

he took off my pants, and he slipped his fingers in me.  i came quickly.  i kissed him, and his pants came off.  soon, he was in me.

i wish i could say that sex with him is great.  it isnt.  sadly.

we fucked until we both came.  he lit a joint, and we listened to bob marley.  i love redemption song.

we got out of the car for some air.  there were a few cars, and though we couldnt see them, there were people on the beach.

he leaned against the car, and he kissed me hard.  he was taking the initiative, and i loved it.

he was hard again, so we went back in the car.  the windows were steamed.  i opened my eyes, and i looked up at him.

i think we have company, he said.

he continued to fuck me, even though i asked him to move so we can dress.  when he dismounted, i put on my pants and waited with an excuse in case someone came to the car.

no one came.  we drove home.

hey, do you want to get chinese food?  i know a restaurant in chinatown thats opened still.  they close at 3 am.  we still have two hours, i said.

we parked down the street, and i said, hey, remember when we photographed here?

um, m, i never photographed here with you.

uh, yes, we did.  remember the lanterns?  here, let me show you.

i took him to the courtyard.

remember now?  i asked.

no.  i swear.  you never took me here.  it was someone else.  he looked away.

when we got to the restaurant, he said, just order what you normally get.

okay, but this time, im paying.

the waiter came, took our order, and the food arrived in minutes. oh, chinese food chefs, you are amazing.

i served him, and he looked at me. in his eyes, i saw fondness. he was touched. i know that he doesnt get much of this, and i know he wants it. hes simple. he wants to be loved, and he wants love. i want the same. but not from him.

after i paid, we walked back to my car. he and i held hands, a sign of intimacy that i dont get enough of, something that i dont allow because of the intensity of it.

when we got to his place, he said, do you want to come up?


yes.

we went inside, and he and i tore each other apart.  he bent me over the couch, and he pulled my hair as he fucked me doggy style.  then he pushed me on the couch, and he lifted my leg and rested it on his chest.

he was insistent in the way he fucked me that night, as if he were in a world of his own.  he was animalistic, a side of him i didnt see when we were fucking last summer.

he and i pulled and pushed each other, and when we tired ourselves out, i curled in his arms to rest.  i knew this was important to him because he hated that i didnt cuddle or have sleepovers.  when we woke up a few hours later, he fucked me again.

harder.

hes over six feet, and hes strong, so i was a rag doll in his power that night.  he fucked me, and it was painful.  and i liked it.  he grabbed me hard, and there were bruises on my skin the next morning.  my lips were sore from the way he kissed me.  he came on my stomach, and i used his shirt to clean up.

we fell asleep again in each others arms, and when we woke up, i told him i had to leave.

see?  i can cuddle.  im not always averse to it, i said.

i know.  thank you.  you know, sex is so good with you emotionally and physically.  i havent slept with anyone since you.  when was that?  february?

yes.  i couldnt say the same for myself.


i walked out as the sun was rising.  i loved that time.  the air was cool, and everything was still.  the dawn makes me wistful.  so does twilight.

when i arrived home, he sent a text with a picture of a bouquet of flowers.  happy sunday, it read.

i slept most of the day, and when i woke up, my arms and shoulders were sore.  in fact, i was sore for a few days.  its so physical with him.

he and i are so different, yet we share many common things.  if i were to be selfish, i would tell him that id like to try to have a relationship with him.

but i would run as soon as he said yes.

*****
my feet are burning.

i want to leave.  i have nothing to stay here for.

id return, though.  id be gone only for a few days. or not.

i can do it.  i can walk away from this place.  my son is set up with housing and a new life opportunity.

i have no one to answer to, no one who needs me.

i take a deep breath, and i close my eyes.  i see the ocean before me.

i see a coastal town in need of being commemorated on digital film.  i see a sweet cafe waiting for me to inhabit it for hours at a time.

my heart is finally beating in a way it hasnt beat in months.

i have to curb this need to run.

i have to suppress it and be responsible until the next housing payment is due to the university.

i have to put my needs second to the needs of my son.

i dont have to, but i want to.

until it becomes more than me.