lack of sleep

sunset south pasadena, ca march 2010

it was a restless night.  had a cup of coffee at my aunts house.  i thought it wouldnt affect me so much, and perhaps its not the caffeine that kicked my ass.

lets face it.  theres a lot of things to be anxious about.

and last night was a great night to address it.

*****
ive been carrying the irish's story with me.  it affected me because of how he perseveres.  i mean, the way he spoke to me about it, the way he shared...

it was very personal.  and the courage by which he did it...even though he may not have thought it courageous, i was touched.

*****
and my son.

school is expensive.  and i know its going to get better, but fuck...

*****
its me.  im focusing on lack instead of abundance.  im focusing on permanence, not on temporary.  im focusing on the end, and not the beginning.

im taking my eyes off of Jesus, and i know im going to fall in the water if i dont find His loving eyes.  and i dont want to try to swim in that sea right now.

or any other day, if i can help it.  and i know i can.

shifting focus.  asking for forgiveness for stumbling, for doubting.

because God and doubt?  just doesnt work.

get behind Me, satan!  you are a stumbling block to Me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.  Matthew 16:23

because you know,  God and i?  well, we speak all the time.  and when i choose to not listen to Him, He sends out his angels. because they deliver.


this free will is nice and all, but sometimes, i just want some Divine intervention.  i need the Mothers love to fix whats wrong with my life.  i need Gods timing and my timing to be better synchronized.  i need to know my path, instead of fumbling around for it.  i need to be lifted, to be comforted.

and as i type this, a feeling of peace washes over me.

its been like this lately.  ill feel anxiety, and ill have a discussion with the Almighty, and then...peace.

just a knowingness that everything is fine.  that im creating this anxiety, that nothing is wrong at this singular moment.

get behind Me, satan!  you are a stumbling block to Me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.  Matthew 16:23

*****
theres a lesson for me in every difficulty.  a test of my choices, a test of my faith, a test of my humility.

and at the end?  i find myself so near to my God, and i learn so much of myself.

the challenges are designed to do just that, but when im in the eye of the proverbial storm, thats when i have to surrender.  when i have to say to myself that i am not alone, that all i have to do is ask.

because my God has never ignored my requests.  Hes always always always given me more than what i had asked for.

abundance.  of His love.  abundance of His wealth.

abundance of His peace.

what more do i need?

oh, yes, i know.  i need to be of service again.

i need to do His work, to do fulfill my end of this partnership.

and i humbly and willingly do so.

*****
theres a man.

he invades my thoughts.

he isnt near, but i feel his essence in my sleep.

he is kind, good, strong.

i draw from him what i have always needed.

sometimes, i want to run.  and i want to deny.  but heres the magic.

i want to run to him.  and i want to deny others.

he is more than i have ever known.

and while it isnt ideal what we have created, it is our belief that it is bigger than the both of us.

he is my muse.  he is my friend.  he is my first phone call of the day.

he is.

and i do not ask for more than he gives, and i do not offer what i do not have.

because all i want from him is his happiness...and i can only give him me.

theres so much he and i will experience.  it wont all be pretty.  but it will be right.

and nothing else matters.

so, to him, i say, i dont wanna hurt / theres so much in this world to make me bleed / stay with me / youre all i see... (just breathe, pearl jam)