spiritual loves

mission san juan bautista, ca july 2011

my heart swells with gratitude.  its filled with love, and i feel loved.  relationships that i thought were lost are healing, and through struggles, i understand now and again, that we must go through Good Friday to get to Easter Sunday.  sometimes, though, i wish we kind of chilled on Holy Saturday because theres a reprieve from the suffering and a calm before the rejoicing.

not everything is perfect, but i dont care.  i dont want perfection.  i just want progression towards perfection.  and i want to stumble and get up and always feel the Lord's guidance and love.

*****
the 30 year old sent me a text at 6 this morning asking for prayers.

and when he got home, he messaged me that the day was okay.

i told him i was glad.  and again, he opened a subject that i hated, so i told him how i felt.  how i pissed i was with him for awhile, how the last time we were together was the most intimate ive been with someone in awhile.  he said he liked it, too.

i said how crushed i was when he fucked up, and he said he felt bad.

i forgave him, i said, because he was my friend, and i love our spiritual connection.  i still respected him, and i loved him as a friend.

you are loved, he replied.  special.

you must be amazing for me to still hang around, i sent.  leaving is my specialty.

my phone rang.  it was him.

wait, youre leaving?  he asked.

no.  you misread.  i said leaving is my specialty, but im not leaving.

you cant leave me.

im not.  i wouldnt.  wait, did you think i was leaving?

yes.

so, were you calling to hang out one last time?

no, not one last time.  more times.

ah.  well, i dont think i have a choice.  ive told you that God brought us together, so we should stay together.

oh, m.  you are loved.

as are you.

and i wanted to get off the phone because i was hungry, so miraculously, i got another call.

not really.  i just said i did.

a year ago, i would have wanted this.  i would have wanted the attention, the closeness, but now, i just want the friendship.

*****
then igra was so fun to text with tonite.

he was at the airport, and why he didnt talk to his wife baffled me in the middle of our texting onslaught.

he asked me about guys.  i told him of my celibacy.  told him how i still had anxiety about sleepovers.  he reassured me that when i found the right one, it wouldnt be an issue.

he asked me how long i usually stayed.  i said about four hours, but once, i managed to hang for about ten hours with the hiker.

thats like a year and a half of marriage for you, he messaged.  im so proud of you.

yes, that was a bit of a stay.  once, i spent 22 hours with a sleepover.

im surprised he didnt propose.  hey, wanna come to a bbq at my brothers house to celebrate his and my sisters bdays?

really?  i dont want to impose on a family get together.

family and friends will be there.

i wont know anyone there.

youll know me and my brother.  think about it.  itll be fun.

if youre serious, send me the info.

okay.  hey, my plane is here, and im ready to board.  ill call you saturday.

be safe, and love you, friend.

i love you, too, my very good friend.  think about hanging out.

*****
igra and the 30 year old have been my spiritual warriors.  im glad i never slept with igra because this friendship is much more important than sex to me.

he was so generous with his time in the beginning of my path, answering my questions, putting things in perspective, and explaining what seemed to be obvious.  i remember praying with him for about 20 minutes in silence at the chapel, and kk will always be in my memory.

there is some tension between us, so i dont think we will ever be close, but we have a deep connection based on history.  he opened up to me first when his ltr ended, and i listened to him blame himself and exalt her.

our nature is flirtatious, but we are both chicken shit about making any moves, so it will never happen.  besides, hes married.  and he wont cheat on her.

as for the 30 year old, he saved me.  he has been the muse for my photography the past year.  he loves my work, and it makes me feel good.

i love his journey, so i ask him to retell it to me.  we talk about God, and it reminds me that i am not the only one who struggles with temptation and with anxieties.

i just dont want to struggle with him.

*****
Heavenly Father, i humbly bow before Your mighty love and Your healing light.

i am so grateful for the people who Youve brought into my life, all the lessons i learn from them about myself, whether it is good or bad.

i ask You to surround those who need You most with Your ultimate power of peace, and please calm the anxieties of those who turn to You.

my flaws are many, but in my brokenness, i know You come to me.  i walk in darkness, but i follow the light of Your word and of Your love.

my cross is heavy, and i fall at the weight of it.  my sins are plenty, and i give in to temptation.  humbly, i come to You with my weaknesses asking You to please hold me in the palm of Your hands.

in Jesus' name.

amen.