saturday and sunday

bolsa chica, ca july 2011

ive been resting up a lot these past two weeks, mostly because i know that once i start working, things will go fast.  i havent heard about a position yet, but i feel it soon.

so, my activities have been very minimal.  usually reading, writing, working on pictures, but there are times when i do hang out with friends and family.

*****
saturday, i just wanted to hang out alone.  ive had restless nights, and my nature of loving the night has been dominantly dictating my sleep cycles.  which is fine.  but once work starts, im going to suffer.

so, when my phone rang, and i saw it was dahart, i hesitated before answering.  the last time he called was about a year ago, and he was asking for help with his admin credential stuff.

a history.  when i first started working in the hell hole, he was a one man welcoming committee.  he was so awesome and sweet, and he was hot then.  there was flirtation, tension, and danger.  i was living with the exbf, and there was no way i was going to cheat.

dahart was pretty popular with the ladies.  he was surrounded by them everywhere, and they lapped up every word.  i was always surprised when he asked me to stop by his classroom or kept me in conversation longer than necessary.  he loved the fact i had a kid, and he often asked about the boy.

we took a class together, and once, he tried to ride in my car.  by then, he was seeing the deformed body, and i didnt want drama, so i denied the request.  the class was a joke, but there was homework, and we had to work in groups.  guess who was in my group?

i volunteered to do all the work because im fast, and i didnt want to discuss every single decision, but he wanted to contribute.  he asked for my number.  i gave it to him.  he called one night when i was waiting for the exbf to get off work.  i intended for it to be only a quick call, but he kept blah blah blahing for forty five minutes.  twenty minutes were spent on what the boy likes to do and how he is in school; twenty minutes were spent on why we never hung out outside of work; and five minutes were spent on homework.

i was slowly becoming turned off by his chasing, so i decided to ignore him.  in class one night, he reached under the table and grabbed my leg and squeezed.  i didnt sit next to him again.  in a restaurant before class, he did it again, we never had dinner together again.

the admin asked us to represent the school at a fair one balmy october night.  the admin was an awesome man, so i didnt say no, even though i offered other people who were better than me.

he said, you can represent the academics, and dahart will speak about the automotive.  you have a great personality.  people will listen.

but there are other staff members who have been here longer and will know more about the programs.

yes, but they dont know how to speak.  trust me.  ive been a principal for a long time.  id listen to you.

that night, after the presentation, i called the fatty bitch to see if she wanted to get a drink.  dahart invited himself.  we went to a bar and ordered drinks.  he spoke to the fatty bitch more than he spoke to me, but his leg touched mine, and he watched me.  i was uninterested.

after the bar, i whispered to fatty bitch that we should grab dinner.  he asked what we were giggling about.  i said, im telling her how im going to ditch you.

why would you do that?

we want to grab dinner, so just take me to my car, and you can go home.  its getting late.

its 7 o'clock.  you dont want me to hang out with you?

if you want.

at dinner, he was quiet.  he observed.  listened.  asked fatty bitch questions about me and the boy.  she answered.  he asked about a guy in my life.  she didnt answer.  he looked at me.  i shrugged.

the next day, anitor told him in front of me that the deformed body bitch called her looking for him.  she asked where he was.

he said, i got home and turned off my phone.  ill talk to her.

he looked at me. he lied to anitor. but we both knew he was hanging out with us until ten.

i left the hell hole, and we saw each other occassionally.  a rundown:  two years ago, we took vansa out for her bday, he got drunk, grabbed my breast, then propositioned me for a threesome with them at the end of the night.  at the avocado festival, he came late, got drunk to catch up, and flirted so poorly that i called the writer who thought it was cute that i was a bit buzzed.  at my birthday party, drank lots of wine, made inappropriate comments that gaya said to just ask me out already.

so, when my phone rang, and it was him, i wasnt thrilled, but i answered.

and surprisingly, we had a great talk.  he and i were on the same page about relationships.

he said, m, you believe in love, i know.  why dont you have anyone in your life?

i do believe in love.  so deeply.  but i dont think you have to love everyone.

why dont you ever call me when youre hanging out with your sister?

because i dont think about you when im over there.  i dont even think about you at all.

nice.  but you should still call.

i was at the 5 o'clock mass.  i scanned the church.  i didnt see you there.

i was there.  on sunday?  i was there.  i sat in the back.

oh.  cool.  okay, next time, ill call you.

yeah, we can get a drink.

okay.  or we can meet halfway.

no.  we should be close to where the other lives in case we need to crash on each others couches.

*****
on sunday, i told vansa what he said.  she said, he wants you on his bed.  not his couch.

ill sleep in my car, vansa.  im not going into his house.  ill sleep in my car.  or my sisters.

we were drinking a couple of blondes, waiting for dapel, to celebrate her birthday.  which was two weeks ago.  life gets in the way sometimes.

i also confessed to her about someone who has becoming very meaningful as of late.  i told her of the circumstances, of the irrationality of it, and she listened.  no judgement.  no advice.

and dapel got there.  we had lunch then went to watch the change up.

*****
i got home, exhausted from the heat and the beers and from laughing.

i took a nap, and i woke up to a text from the irish confirming that we were going to hang out.

i didnt want to.  but i had cancelled on him a few times already, so i got ready and went there.

when he saw me, he hugged me awkwardly.  he almost stepped on my foot, and it was a quick hug.

he lead the way to his apartment, opened the door, and said, welcome to my humble abode.

its his accent that got to me.  the irish brogue.  very slight, so not obnoxious, but recognizable.

he sat across from me, and the conversation was stilted.  talked about religion.  hes a former irish catholic, agnostic now, and listened to my beliefs.  then he opened up about his childhood, about so many things that i was enthralled.

and i began to share.  he said, m, youre so insightful.

i spent my childhood thinking too much.  and my adulthood not thinking enough sometimes.

he told me where his stress found him at night, and he said, im lonely.  ive been lonely for a long time.

its temporary.  youll find your way.  youre unstoppable.  youre magic, kid.

when i was younger, it was easy to go for things and be successful.  but now, at 33, its like i cant.

you will again.  i promise.

youre right.  i will.

youre healing.  youre addressing issues, and youre healing.

hes leaving in a month. hes going back to ireland, and hes going to be better.

hes got a story that is heartbreaking and beautiful all at once.  i told him so.  hes got this special way about him, and i know he will be fine.

do you still speak to the irish bloke? he asked.

nope.  he hates me.

ah, m.

i know.  but its all good.  as long as hes happy.  and loved.

you didnt love him?

not the way he deserves to be.  hey, i have to go.

okay.  ill walk you to your car.

okay.

if you have a ticket, ill pay.  i think its permit parking on the street after a certain hour.

lets hope i didnt get a ticket.

look at the time.  you were supposed to stay only half an hour.  and now, its four and a half hours later.

yes, i know.

its my charm and good looks.  thats why you stayed.  he smiled.

we walked quietly to my car.  he hugged me good bye.  it was a strong hug, and i said a little prayer for him before i let him go.

i drove home on the la freeways that were empty and quiet.

it gave me time to reflect.