spilling thoughts

huntington beach, ca may 2011

i am anxious.

so many ideas of service my mind cannot contain.

im watching the replay of  "the 2011 vhi's do something awards", and im motivated.

im so fucking amazed at the spirit of people, those who just do without the need to fanfare.  fucking idiots like this, and this, and this who have so much money but use it for their own personal gains disgust me.  and to flaunt their materials riches...well, i refuse to support them.

my sister commented to me yesterday that there were many people who were richer than the american government.  and i told her that i dont need much to survive, but i need a lot to help others.

and it isnt even about money...its about the need for more time, for more resources.

im playing the lottery soon.

*****
my son called me this morning, and he told me of his day so far.  hes taking so much initiative to get shit in order, and i am so impressed.

but a lesson he has to learn is to slow down.

it triggers my own impatience, and we end up arguing.

and me just spiraling and taking it out on him.

hes got a good head on his shoulders.

i have to trust that because hes being guided not so much by me or his father, but by the Divine.  and im so grateful.

im asked to take a seat in the back of this ride because hes got control.  the Lord has the map, but my son has the wheel, and that means i can rest.

im so freaking excited for him, for the first few days of orientation, and for the friends hes making.  i love his courage and his flaws, and i love that he turns to the Divine when he needs to.

i wish my parents had given me this guidance, but it was a different time, and talk was spare.

*****
i worry about the 30 year old.  and i hate it.

its so much easier when we have no contact, but the truth is that i love hanging out with him.  he calms me, and we connect on a spiritual level.

there will be no more sex between us.  i think we both know that we dont mix in this way, though there is an attraction.  hes shy and a bit insecure, and i find it so sweet.

but i also feel like a predator when im fucking him.  oh, hes not innocent.  hes been in some situations that i find a bit...well, its not me.

but its not him either, because hes not really a bad boy.  hes just a soul that is lost and teeters between purity and temptation.

hes young, so as he gets older, he will be more of who he wants to be.  he just doesnt know himself yet, not with wisdom, so he fucks up.  and he beats himself up for it.

i value his friendship.  but i also know that my own failings and the part of me that gives in to darkness get in the way if we hang out too long.

i crave the spiritual side of him, and i want that always so badly, but it leads to other things that i do not want anymore.

*****
vansa just called, and she got a new position.  i am so grateful to God because He decided it was time for her to stop suffering with a crazy ass idiot supervisor.  she was graceful and optimistic in how she handled her situation, and i have to learn from her.

her new school has several openings, and the school is close, so i might just go ahead and submit my updated resume to the principal.

but ill wait until i know which school ill be in.

the money is good working in adult ed.

so, again, all is well.

and im so grateful.

*****
im avoiding a subject that has becoming so close to my heart.

this soul is teaching me and inspiring me, and im growing with him.

my own insecurities and my own issues...my ego keep me in check.

and for once, im not going to send this ego on a time out.  its helping me be in balance and be mindful.

*****
the hiker must be really busy.

i havent heard from him.

and this is a good thing.