promise, broken

bamboo garden norton simon museum pasadena, ca dec 2010

he called me two years ago, on a friday night, i believe, and we talked until i had to get to a dinner with friends.

his voice was sweet, and i loved his soft laugh.  when i got home that night, he called again, and i fell asleep with him on the phone.

a few weeks later, he went to a family reunion in some beach city on the east coast.  he whispered to me what he wanted to do to me when he got back.  he was sleep deprived then, always waiting until the last family member was asleep before he made me cum over the phone.

when he got back, though, life got busy, and we somehow lost touch.  he called me a few months later, and he was seeing someone.

which was fine because i had been entertaining ideas with others, but i liked his sweetness, so we continued.  he called sporadically, always friendly, never crossing any lines.

one night, he told me, oh, m.  i want you to come to me.  but i cant cheat on her.  i wont.

i wont let you, i said.  and i meant that.

shes just not you, though.  we dont have the same amount of fun like you and i had.  its weird to be with her when i think of you.

can you stop thinking of me?  because ill have to cut this off if you dont.

whats the harm?  she doesnt know.

yes, but i do.

so, we stopped all communication for awhile.  i had forgotten about him when others came into my life, and i deleted his number.

last year, in july, his unsaved number popped up on my phone.  and it was like no time had passed.

i want to see you, m.  its over with her.

what?  how?  why?

i tried.  you wanted that, right?

yes.

well, i spoke with her about what i needed, and she said she would be more participatory in bed, but it was never enough.

was it just about sex?

no, it was connection.  she didnt make me laugh.

oh, i didnt know you were looking for a clown.

im scared of clowns.  i want wit.  i want a mind like yours.

by this time, i had lost interest in him, but i was curious to see how he was, so we ended up meeting on a cool august night, much like this one.

he looked different.  his beard had grown to a length that didnt suit me, but his eyes were amazingly clear and focused, and i felt myself blush when he gazed at me.

can you please not do that?   i asked.

do what?

you know.  look at me.  so intently.

i cant read you.

what do you want to know?

if you want me.  still.

ive never kissed him.  i found myself staring at his lips through the facial hair, and i wondered if i would be tickled by all that mess.

it was getting late.  i made a move to leave, and he said he would walk me to my car.

m, can we talk for a second?

not too long.  ive got an early morning.

oh?  you hate waking up early during the summer.  what do you have to do?

okay, im lying.  i dont have to be up early, but its getting late.

just a few minutes.  in your car.  will that be fine?

i unlocked the doors, and he sat in the passenger side.  i hate small talk.  i was getting bored, and i began tapping my fingers on the steering wheel.

he put his hand over mine, looked at me, and kissed me.

it was like i expected.  his lips were gentle but urgent.  he moved closer to me as his fingers found their way under my dress.

*****
usually, id stop someone who was so forward, but it was him, and i allowed it.  he watched me, smiling in the dark, while i looked at him with my eyes half closed.

the first time i came, he held my leg down so i wouldnt buck any further and hurt myself on the gear shift.  it was powerful and fast.

the second time i came, he told me to say his name so he knew i was thinking only of him.  it lasted longer than the first.

the third time i came, my hair was in his hand, and he pulled not too hard but hard enough to make me yelp.  i think it scared him a little.

he let me rest, caressing my arms, my legs, my face.  he put his hand over my heart, and he laughed at how hard it was beating, proud of himself the whole time.

but it was time to go, and he asked me to come with him.  i declined.  there will be a next time, i promised, and he can have me for as long as he wanted.

it never happened, though.  again, life moved quickly, as it usually does, and i made no man a priority.  he sent off a text every now and then, but my responses lacked luster.

*****
earlier this week, he messaged me a picture of his cock, erect.  this was the first time hes ever done this.  a simple word accompanied it:  hello.

hello.  youre doing well, no?  i responded.

whatre you doing?

hanging out.  you?

waiting for you.

to?

come here.

hasnt it been a year since we last saw each other?

yes, and i want to claim the promise you made of having you for as long as i wanted.

ah, shit.

why now?  its been a year.

precisely.  ive waited, and i think i should be commended for my patience.

any girl would be lucky to have you.

so, when can you come?

i cant.

are you seeing someone?

nope.

well?

raincheck?

when?

another year?

m.  you left me hungry that night.  you left me wanting more.

im sorry, i know.  im celibate.  so...

so.  lets hang out.  i wont touch.  i promise.

i told him i wouldnt be available for awhile, and i assured him that he will have moved on by the time i would see him.

he laughed.

ill wait, m.

he will be waiting for a long time.